The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (2 page)

At our clinics, our primary work is to help maximize people’s brain function for the most satisfying and healthy life possible. We help healthy people who want to improve their own brain function, as well as treat attention deficit disorders (ADD), mood and anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, addictions, temper problems, and memory disturbances. We often help individuals and couples who struggle with relationship and sexual problems of all kinds. It is really possible to dramatically improve brain function, whether your brain is troubled or not, and thus
dramatically improve your life. Our guiding principle for the past sixteen years has been “Change your brain, change your life.”

Since most people cannot see the brain, it is often left out of the equations of our lives. Yet, it is at the core of our personal universe. Connecting sex and the brain through the lens of brain imaging has been one of the most fascinating journeys of my life, and I will share it with you in this book. I became much more effective in helping couples when I started looking at their relationships and sexuality together with brain function. It is clear that healthy brain function is associated with more loving and sexual relationships, while poor brain function is associated with more fighting, less sex, and higher divorce rates. In committed relationships, sex is a critical ingredient for health and longevity, but most people never connect the brain and sex.

I start with a clear bias: Sex is best in the context of a committed, loving relationship. Anthropologist Helen Fisher writes, “Do not copulate with people you do not want to fall in love with, because you might do just that.” Sex bonds you to others, and in some cases, if you are not careful and thoughtful, it can put you in bondage to others. Although this is my bias, it is not always the context of some of the research studies I will share with you on the sexual benefits for health and longevity, which are based solely on sexual frequency. Having acknowledged that fact, there are other studies that strongly suggest a happy marriage is also associated with longevity, which usually means not sharing yourself sexually outside your primary relationship. The discussion throughout the book is on heterosexual relationships, but the same principles apply to all committed, loving relationships.

Based on my latest research, this book will share twelve practical neuroscience lessons to enhance your love and sex life.
Practical neuroscience
is a term I coined for the study of applying the latest brain research to everyday life. I am the type of person, like many of you, who always wants to know why I should learn something. If it isn’t practical or helpful, then I don’t want to expend great amounts of neuronal effort on it. The reason to
study neuroscience is that it is immensely practical. Here’s an example:

On a recent faculty retreat with the University of California, Irvine Department of Psychiatry, where I teach psychiatric residents, I was walking back from dinner through a shopping district along the quaint cobblestone streets of Taormina, Sicily, with one of my colleagues and his wife. They were talking about buying shoes. The wife wanted her husband to go with her to the shoe boutique and he was balking a bit. I looked at him and said, “You want to go with her.” He gave me a quizzical look which said, “Why?”

I replied, “In the brain, the sensory area of the foot is right next door to the sensory area for the clitoris. Unknowingly, women often feel that buying shoes is like foreplay. Feet are one of the best ways to a woman’s affections.”

With my friend’s help, his wife bought three pairs of shoes the next day. He had a smile on his face for the rest of the trip.

METHUSELAH’S SECRET

Sexuality, Longevity, Health, and Happiness

“Sex … what else is free, fun, low calorie, and exercise?”

—BARBARA WILSON, MD, neurologist and pain specialist

I
n August 1982, during my internship year on the sterile surgical floor at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C., Jesse was discharged from the hospital. He had been admitted for an emergency hernia operation two weeks earlier and there had been some minor complications. I remember Jesse so vividly now because he was one hundred years old, but talked and acted like a man thirty years younger. Mentally, he seemed every bit as sharp as any patient I had talked to that year or since. He and I developed a special bond, because unlike the surgery interns who spent a maximum of five minutes in his room each day, I spent hours over the course of his hospitalization talking to him about his life. The other interns were excited to learn about the latest operating techniques. I was interested in Jesse’s story and I wanted to know about Jesse’s secrets for longevity and happiness. Jesse had his hundredth birthday in the hospital and it was quite an event. His wife, actually his second one, who was three decades younger, planned the event with the nursing staff. There
was great love, playfulness, and physical affection between Jesse and his wife. Clearly, they still had the “hots” for each other.

Just before his discharge from the hospital, he saw me at the nurses’ station writing notes. He enthusiastically waved me over to his room. His bags were packed and he was dressed in a brown suit, white shirt, and a blue beret. He looked deeply into my eyes as he quietly asked me, “How long, doc?”

“How long what?” I answered.

“How long before I can make love to my wife?”

I paused and he continued in a hushed voice, “You want to know the secret to live to a hundred, doc? Never miss an opportunity to make love to your wife. How long should I wait?”

A slow smile came over my face, “I think a week or so and you should be fine. Be gentle at first.” Then I gave him a hug and said, “Thank you. You have given me hope for many years to come.”

Science finally caught up to Jesse twenty-five years later. Now there is a wealth of research connecting healthy sexual activity to longevity. The lesson from Jesse still rings true today. While there are many ingredients to a long life—good genes, a positive outlook, a curious mind, and exercise—frequent sexual activity is one of them, too.

Like Jesse, Methuselah knew the secret, too. The oldest living Hebrew patriarch mentioned in the Bible, Methuselah was 187 years when his son Lamech was born. According to the author of the book of Genesis, he lived another 782 years, dying at the remarkable age of 969. Since then the name Methuselah has become a synonym for longevity; in this chapter I will illustrate what I consider Methuselah’s Secret—the link between sexual frequency, sexual enjoyment, and longevity.

Can Ten Thousand Men Be Wrong?

Why do we have sex on the brain? Why is it the topic of so many conversations? From a scientific perspective, the answer is simple. More than any other basic need, sexual activity makes it possible
for us to live beyond ourselves and for our species to survive. It is one of the most powerful drives motivating behavior. Yet, with the changing gender roles in our society and the constant mix of religious and cultural messages, sex has become confusing and frustrating. Is sex good? Is it bad? Is it important? Is it a luxury for pleasure or just a means of having children? New research shows that sex is important, not only to the physical survival of the human race, but to the survival of individuals as well. Sex is a natural part of being alive, of being human; it is healthy to want to express yourself in that way. Having a healthy, satisfying sex life is important for each person individually, but also to the health of romantic relationships.

Sexual interest, activity, and meaning change throughout the lifespan. Teenagers explore a new, exciting, confusing, and potentially risky (pregnancy and STDs) part of life. While young adults attempt to develop a sense of sexual competency, older people strive more for a sense of meaning in their sexual lives. Underlying most sexual contact is a desire for pleasure, release, and emotional connection.

Toward the end of Chuck’s marriage, he was in bed reading Dean Ornish’s book
Love and Survival
. In the book Dr. Ornish wrote about a study where ten thousand men were asked one question: “Does your wife show you her love?” The men who answered no, in significant numbers, died earlier. “Oh my God,” Chuck thought, “I’m doomed.” He had been in a twenty-year marriage where their libidos were badly matched, and he was turned away nine times out of ten. At 3
A.M.
that morning he awoke with crushing chest pain. His heart checked out okay the next day, but he knew that something had to change. His life might depend on it.

Withholding sex, as a weapon of control or punishment, is common in relationships for both males and females. I have seen it in my practice for twenty-five years. Unfortunately, it is a deadly weapon and often kills relationships. After reading this chapter and understanding the research associated with frequent sexual
activity and sexual enjoyment, my hope is that you will honor sex in your life. If you are someone who withholds sex as a way to punish your partner, my hope is that you will realize two things: One, the act of withholding physical affection is actually bad for you, as you miss out on its many benefits; and two, it puts your partner’s health at risk. No kidding. I often joke in my lectures that if your partner knew the research, and you were withholding sex, he or she could potentially sue you for attempted murder. There is a lot of nervous laughter at this point. Of course, there are other reasons besides their partner withholding sex that people are not getting it, such as they are without a partner, there is an illness that affects sexual desire or performance, or people may be uncomfortable with their bodies.

Most of the research discussed here on the health benefits of sex involves sexual activity with a partner. Some of the research, however, has to do with orgasm frequency, which may also be due to masturbation. Sexual gratification or release through masturbation may be helpful for the brain. From a psychiatric standpoint, it is a complex issue. Masturbation can bring on a release of tension, but in some vulnerable people can also lead to excessive or addictive activity.

Healing: Sex Is the Best Medicine

Many studies have investigated the relationship between sexual activity and physical health. The potential dangers of sexual activity, including sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancies, have been widely reported, and rightly so. However, less publicized studies suggest that thoughtful sexual activity with a committed partner improves well-being by enhancing longevity, immune system function, joy, pain management, and sexual and reproductive health. These studies illustrate that sexual activity may be a preventive measure against the two leading causes of death in the United States, heart disease and cancer. Below are some of the aspects of your health that sex can improve.

Longevity

Learning how to enhance the largest sex organ in the body (the brain) and using it well to intimately connect with others may add years to your life and is likely to make you much happier. Serious research on sexuality began in the United States in the 1940s by Alfred Kinsey. He reported that sex reduces stress, and that people who have fulfilling sex lives are less anxious, less violent, and less hostile. Current research bears this out, as physical touch increases the hormone oxytocin, which boosts trust and lowers cortisol levels, the hormone of chronic stress. In a study done at Duke University, researchers followed 252 people over twenty-five years to determine the lifestyle factors important in influencing lifespan. Sexual frequency and past and present enjoyment of intercourse were three of the factors studied. For men, frequency of intercourse was a significant predictor of longevity. While frequency of intercourse was not predictive of longevity for women, those who reported past enjoyment of intercourse had greater longevity. This study suggested a positive association between sexual intercourse, pleasure, and longevity.

A 1976 report in
Psychosomatic Medicine
concluded that an inability to reach orgasm may have a negative impact on women’s hearts. Only 24 percent of women in the healthy control group reported sexual dissatisfaction; while 65 percent of the women who had heart attacks reported trouble with sex. In this study, the two most common causes of dissatisfaction in women were due to impotence and premature ejaculation on the part of their husbands. Sexual health is not just an individual issue. It affects both parties’ satisfaction and overall health.