The Casual Rule (37 page)

“Wow, that was decent.”

“He was a real gentleman. I was such an emotional mess. I don’t know if I would have gone through with it, if we decided to… well, you know. But I’m grateful he took it off the table and went home.”

“Is that what’s upsetting you?” She reaches across and squeezes my shoulder.

“I wish that was it.”

“What the fuck else happened?”

I stare at her, pursing my lips.

She nods, narrowing her eyes. “Ben,” she says sharply.

“Yes, he showed up in the middle of the night, beyond drunk and was pounding on our door.”

“Why did he come here?”

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe he misses you,” she says quietly.

“Maybe he misses screwing me,” I snap.

“What did he say?”

“He was demanding I open the door. I ignored him.”

“Good. He doesn’t deserve your time.”

“Unfortunately he got it anyway. I found him passed out in the hallway. I dragged him in before someone called the cops.”

“Shit….the drunken asshole.” Her hand flies over her mouth as she shakes her head.

“Yeah, well, the drunken asshole slept it off on our couch. As soon as he woke up I asked him to leave.”

“Did he say
anything
to you?”

I pause and take a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “He told me he loved me.”

Her eyes widen. “He did? That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“Not like that. He was three sheets to the wind when he said it. He didn’t even remember saying it this morning. Hell, he had no idea how he ended up on our couch. All he cared about was if I was screwing around with Pierce. I gave him the opportunity to tell me again when he was more coherent and he didn’t. It was meaningless babble. I told him to go.”

“Good for you. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “What I do know is I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who cares about me as much as I care about him… it’s hard to think that way, but I have no choice.”

“Because you still love him.” She reaches over and strokes my arm.

I swallow hard and nod. “More than I thought I could. But being part of a one-sided love affair will never be enough for me. And I won’t wait for him to come around, like her. If she wants to live her life in an eternal state of uncertainty, waiting on Ben Martin to commit, more power to her. But, for as much as I love him, I have to be realistic and let him go. I won’t do that to myself. Like you said, guys like Ben aren’t wired for long term or any kind of commitment. I know he didn’t mean to, but he broke my heart…” My voice cracks. “I’m the only one who can fix it.” I shake my head and look to the floor. “Besides, I’m driving myself crazy. I think I see him all the time. I hear his voice in my dreams. I miss him, Allie. I really miss him. But I’m going to be committed to a padded room if I don’t start working on myself and get over him.”

“Maybe Pierce is your answer.”

“You know what, Al? I’m just going to take life as it comes. If I stumble on love again, fine. If not, so be it. I still have you.”

“You’ll always have me.”

I wrap my arms around Allie and hug her tightly. “I know. Maybe you’re the love of my life.”

“That asshole really fucked you up, didn’t he? Now you’re switching teams,” she teases.

“Maybe.” I laugh.

“There’s nothing that makes me happier than the smile of my future wife. I’m very proud of you. I know sending him away was hard for you to do. You’re going to be okay. You will.”

“Thanks Allie. Someday, I hope so. Now, enough about me. Tell me more about Vince.”

“Oh, he was fine.” She blushes.

This is why I love Allie. I can tell from her blush that she really likes Vince. I also know that she doesn’t want to rub in the fact that she found a piece of happiness while I’m knocked down. I reach over and hold her hand.

“I know you’re trying to protect my feelings. But I want you to share with me. I love that you’ve found someone. You’re my best friend. Your happiness is all I want. Truly. Please don’t ever feel that you can’t share something good with me. In fact, I need to hear it. Restore my faith in humanity. Tell me about Vince.”

“Are you sure?” she asks cautiously.

“The last thing I need is you tiptoeing around me. No walking on eggshells. Deets. Give me the deets.”

She sighs and her hidden grin surfaces. “Holy fucking orgasms. He’s so down and dirty in bed; he even makes
me
blush. And don’t get me started on where he falls on my sausage scale. God, I love it.” She beams.

~o0o~

It’s been almost two weeks since Ben showed up drunk at my door. True to his word, he hasn’t been back. Fortunately, his book has been with the printers, so I haven’t had to deal with him professionally yet.  Soon, I’ll have no choice. I’ll worry about that another day.

I still think I see him everywhere, walking the streets, coming out of the Sunshine Deli, walking out of Emilio’s. I’m down to just three dreams a week of him, at least the dreams I remember. He either loves me or leaves me in every dream…. sometimes both.  It’s exhausting.

I need to exorcise him and all the ghosts that follow.

“Vivian, we have no appointments today. Would you mind if I left work early? I have a few errands I was hoping I could take care of.”

“Sure, go ahead. Maybe I’ll sneak out early too. I can go for a quick massage to perk up my mood.”

I smile. “Sounds like a plan. Thanks. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night, Julia. Have fun.”

~o0o~

I’m never going to move forward until I face my Ben demons. Maybe it won’t be too hard; his demons are probably casual too.

I button up my coat and wrap my scarf snugly around my neck. I grab my hat and put it on my head. Now I’m ready to freeze my ass off.

My first stop is Central Park. Here’s where it all began. The park is so different in the winter. The sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is shining bright. The air is crisp with just a hint of a breeze. The grass is now dormant, brown and crunchy. Despite the chill in the air, the park is busy with tourists, dog walkers, groups of teenagers and a couple of joggers. The leaves on the trees are gone. Still, the park is enchanting.

I find an empty bench and sit, watching the world continue to move around me. I have been so wrapped up in my own drama; I forgot there’s life out here. I turn my head and look toward the Great Lawn where we first met and smile wistfully, remembering our first disastrous exchange.

This extraordinary place in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a city moving at a million miles an hour is where I met my great love…I know it’s him, and it’ll probably always be him. But here’s where I have to start letting him go if I want to move on.

I’m so torn. I don’t want to hurt anymore, yet I don’t want him completely gone from my heart. He’s a part of it, even the tiny shattered pieces. How do I make him just disappear? I’ve tried for weeks. I feel so lost without him. How do you just shut off love? Is it even possible?

I straighten my posture and take in a deep breath. Stop it! I came here to rid myself of the demons, not torture myself with their memories. I stand from the bench and leave the park.

There’s a street vendor selling pretzels and chestnuts right outside the entrance. I’m surprised to see the chestnuts. Their season is usually over by now. It must be a sign. The smoky scent of the burning coals makes me smile as I think back to the bag of chestnuts waiting for me on my car seat on Christmas Eve. He had this way of picking up on the smallest details of anything I’d say in passing. The chestnuts… my crane-game elephant…. When I didn’t think he was paying much attention, he was.

I haven’t had a chestnut since that car ride. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a bag. It reminded me of happier times. But I can’t take away things that have made me happy just because he’s not a part of them anymore.

“A bag of chestnuts, please.” I give the street vendor a five dollar bill. Taking one out of the small brown paper bag, I peel off the hard shell and take a bite. It’s delicious. I’m glad I haven’t lost my taste for it. He hasn’t taken everything away.

With my bag of chestnuts in hand, I continue on to my last and hardest destination. My cheeks are stinging from the cold, but I continue walking, it’s helping me clear out my head. Figure out how to move forward.

I stand in front of Emilio’s Café and stare in the front window. As usual, the place is bustling with people. My stomach is in knots. I no longer feel the cold. I no longer feel anything. “Our Place”, that’s what he called it. And it was all bullshit.

Ever since I saw Ben with that bitch here, I’ve avoided walking past it. I’m tired of inconveniencing myself and crossing the street to steer clear of a building. That’s just stupid. Brick and mortar. That’s all this place is. I will not fear it anymore.

Taking in a deep breath, I open the door. The place looks the same, a small slice of Barcelona. Summoning all my courage, I walk to the end of the bar and take a seat. I need to sit here…if only for five minutes, just to prove to myself that I’m not broken or afraid anymore.

I order a club soda with lime and watch people saunter in and out. There’s a bar menu in a holder in front of me. I grab it and take a look. I’m not hungry, but I’m curious to see what they have to offer. This isn’t a typical bar food menu; it’s all tapas. I liked eating the small portions and trying a little bit of everything. I’m not going to let him take that away from me too.

I glance at my watch and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s five o’clock. My five minutes are up. I passed my bravery test. I throw a five dollar bill on the bar and get up to leave. My eyes are on my coat as I button it up, readying myself to face the cold again. When I look back up, I gasp.

I came here to exorcise my demons and who walks in but the demon himself.

Chapter 21

I’m usually the invisible woman when I’m here and for once I wish I really was. I quickly sit back down and hold the menu up to cover my face. I don’t want him to see me.

Ben walks into the bar area and sits at the opposite end near the window. The bartender hands him a beer without asking as they exchange some pleasantries. His eyes are focused out the window watching people walk by. Oh God, what if he’s meeting her here. That’ll kill me to witness. I can’t bear to see him hold her, smile at her the way he used to smile at me, kiss her. It’ll crush me.

I peek over the menu and watch him. It’s taking everything in my power not to walk over to him, touch him, wrap my arms around him, and never let him go. I’ve been fooling myself all afternoon. I love him and it’s never going to stop.

“Do you see her?” the bartender asks Ben.

He shakes his head. “No, not yet.”

Shit. He
is
meeting her here. I have to go. I won’t torture myself watching them together. I swivel my barstool toward the back of the room and slip on my hat. He’s too busy concentrating on staring out that window to notice anyone leave.  I inhale a deep breath and stand. It’s time to make my run for it.

In a ridiculous attempt at my own personal covert operation, I pull my hat down slightly over the side of my face and quickly walk out. As I pull the door open, thinking I made a clean break, some moron comes plowing in and knocks right into me, causing me to stumble back a few steps.

“Sorry Miss,” he apologizes.

“It’s fine,” I grumble, as I barrel forward, looking to make my escape. I’m halfway out the door when I hear my name.

“Julia?” Ben shouts.

Damn. It’s the Cheese Shop all over again; Ben spots me and I run away like a coward. I dash through the crowded sidewalk, stretching my hat down to cover as much of my face as I can without rendering me completely blind.  

“Julia!” He catches up to me, grabs my arm and stops me.

I look down furiously at his hand on my forearm and back at him. Our gazes lock… I want to kiss him and punch him in the face. I’m not sure which feeling is stronger. “Let go of my arm,” I hiss.

He releases his grip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you like that. I just wanted to see you.”

“You see me. Goodbye.” I turn and walk straight ahead. I have no idea where the hell I’m going.

“Julia. Can I talk to you for one minute? Please.”

I stop and glare at him. “Don’t you have someone to meet? I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be kept waiting.”

He frowns. “I’m not meeting anyone.”

“Don’t lie to me. I heard what the bartender asked you. Is Camille running late?”

He shakes his head. “I’m not meeting Camille.”

“Oh, tired of her already? You move fast, Ben. Already lined up a new
friend
?”

“You misunderstood what you heard. I was not there to meet anyone.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot. He asked you if you saw ‘her
’
yet. Go back to Emilio’s. You don’t want to keep ‘her
’
waiting.”

“You are so fucking frustrating. I was not meeting anyone. The ‘her
’
he was referring to is you.”

I cock my head and frown. “Me? That makes no sense. You couldn’t possibly know I’d be there.”

“I didn’t.” He sighs. “Look, I hadn’t planned on doing this today but since you’re in front of me… I have things to say to you. We can’t talk in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. Will you come back to my place? Please.”

 “No Ben. I don’t want to talk to you. I want to forget you.”

“I promise you will never see me again if you just talk to me. I’ll switch publishers. I’ll do anything you ask. Just hear me out.”

“Then you’ll leave me alone?”

“I swear on my grandmother’s life.” I know how much he loves his grandmother. He’d never say anything like that unless he meant it.

“Fine. I’ll give you five minutes. Then we’re done talking. Are we
on the same page
?” I know it’s bitchy, but I purposely throw those words back in his face.

He nods with a slight smirk. “I suppose I deserved that. Did it feel good?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Let’s go.” He places his hand on my back and leads me in the direction of his place three blocks away. His brief touch sends a spark through my body.
The bastard.