The Certainty of Deception (20 page)

I sat up, and turned my body to face hers, crossing my legs Indian-style.  “I’m getting there.  You did tell me to start at the beginning.”

The corner of her mouth twitched into a tilted grin.  “True.  I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered, leaning back and resting my hands on the edge of the bed as I continued, “At first we were really happy, but all of that changed after we discovered she was pregnant.”  I choked back the sob that threatened to overtake me.  I couldn’t escape the things I had done, no matter how hard my father tried to cover them up for me. 

I wiped away the tears that trickled down my cheek.  Ashamed, I covered my face.  It’s not easy facing the demons of one’s past, and mine were ever present in that hotel room.  McKenzie leaned forward and pulled my hands away from my face.  “What happened, Andy?” she encouraged.

I hunched my shoulders and looked away.  The tears flowed more freely.  I didn’t even try to wipe them away.  The dam of my soul was broken wide open and there was no stopping it.  Words tumbled forth from my mouth in a flood of confession.  “It was late February.  Rebecca was two days overdue and completely miserable.  I’d been putting a lot of hours in at the office, preparing to take some vacation time after the baby was born.  My father gave me a case meant for a senior associate, and rather than tell anyone I wasn’t prepared to take on such a workload, I struggled through it.  My pride got the better of me.  I put far too many hours in on the case, and the strain was too much for my marriage.  My father should’ve known better than to assign that case to me.  Thinking back on it now, I’m sure he did know better, but he wanted to make me struggle.  Giving me that case was his way of punishing me for disobeying him.  What he didn’t anticipate was my desire to prove him everyone else who doubted me wrong.  I had to show that I was every bit as good as the name I held.

“I’ll never forget that night for as long as I live.  I was days away from trying the case, and running on maybe three hours of sleep.  Things between Rebecca and me were more strained than ever. I assumed it was because of her being overdue and my long hours.  We attended Gavin’s birthday party that was held at my parent’s house.  Between my dad being in rare form, unsatisfied with my quality of work, and the weird vibe I was getting between Aiden and Rebecca all night, I had a drink.  Maybe two.”  A cold laugh broke through my torrent of tears.  “Back then I could handle my liquor.  At least that’s what I thought.”

My words came out jagged.  No matter how hard I tried to stop the sobs, they kept coming.  “By the end of the night, I was exhausted and frustrated,” I paused.  Sobs wracked my body, as everything I’d kept a secret for nearly seven years poured out of me.  “I shouldn’t have been driving that night.”  I closed my eyes.  Oh, how they burned with the flood of tears that fell.  In my head I could see everything so clear, as if it happened yesterday.  “On our way home, I told Rebecca that I intended on dropping her off and going to the office. It was late, but I still had so much work to do.  She exploded in rage.  She accused me of cheating on her and hating her for being fat and pregnant.  I tried to explain to her the amount of pressure I was under, but she didn’t want to hear it.”

Every hair on my body rose at the memories crashing back into me.  I dropped my head to my chest, tasting the tears flowing over my lips.  I sucked in a deep, haggard breath, seeking solace in the fact that I could breathe, but the pain was so great I wished I couldn’t.

“I remember screaming at her that everything I did was for her and the baby, and that I would never cheat on her.  Her words carried so much venom.  We’d fought before, but never had she tried to cut me to the core.  When I wouldn’t own up to having an affair, because I wasn’t, she informed me that for the last months eight months, she and Aiden had been sleeping together.” 

Her words echoed through my mind. 
“I was lonely and you weren’t there.  Aiden was, and man, he’s a great fuck.”

McKenzie clasped both of her hands over her mouth, rasping, “Oh my God, no.”

I nodded, biting my bottom lip hard.  The pain felt good in comparison to the devastation breaking open in my chest.  I closed my eyes tighter, reliving the moment.  “The fight grew out of control, and the roads were so slick,” I wheezed, “it wasn’t until I heard the blare of a truck horn that I realized I’d veered off into oncoming traffic.” 

Images of that night played behind my eyes.  Tires squealing, Rebecca screaming, then everything went black.  “I swerved,” I cried, “but I lost control.  That’s the last thing I remember until I came to.  Lights flashed round me.  The horrible sound of sirens pierced my ears.  A paramedic tried talking to me, but I couldn’t make out a word he said.  All I cared about was Rebecca and the baby.  I turned my head to find her unconscious.  I screamed for the medics to forget about me, to help her and the baby.”  I rocked back and forth, unable to sit still.  The memories consumed me.

McKenzie sat there, paralyzed by my words.  From what I could see of her through my tear-blinded eyes, she was in shock.

“We were taken to the emergency room where my sweet little girl entered this world, but instead of rejoicing in her birth, we were devastated by her death.”

Each word stabbed at my chest, reopening old wounds.  I sniffled, wiping the back of my hand across my eyes and nose.  My dignity was gone.  I couldn’t look at McKenzie.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t have been able to see her through the flood of tears pouring from my eyes.  My body convulsed with the sobs ripping from my chest.  My sweet baby girl was gone because of me.  McKenzie placed her hand over mine.  I turned my palm upward, linking our fingers together.  Her touch should’ve soothed me, but in my stage of grief nothing could.

“They handed me her lifeless body.  She was wrapped in a pretty pink blanket.  She was so tiny.  So beautiful.  I remember holding her in my arms for the first and last time, thinking how perfect she was.  She was so blonde that she appeared bald.  Her little eyes were closed, as though she were merely sleeping.”  I convulsed at the haunting image of my little girl in my mind.  “She was a little cherub sent from Heaven, just for me, with perfect little hands and feet.  And I killed her,” I choked.

“This is all your fault!  I hate you!  You make me sick!  You killed our baby, you bastard!  You’re no better than your father!”
  Rebecca’s words curdled my blood.

I could see nothing but my little girl in my arms.  Chaos ran
amuck around me, but none of it mattered.  It was only me and Autumn.  I vaguely remembered Rebecca screaming for them to take the baby away from me; that I didn’t deserve to hold her, but that could’ve been my imagination.  When the nurse finally did take my little girl from my arms, I crumbled to the floor in a puddle of tears.  All of my hopes and dreams died with that little girl, and I had no one to blame but myself.

My grief caught in my throat, nearly choking me to death.  “I
t should’ve been me, Mickie,” I croaked, nearly curling up on myself in agony.  My fists slammed into the mattress.  Hatred ripped through me.  “I should’ve died that night, not her.  I was the one who drank and wasn’t paying attention to the road.  I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did, and the truth is, there’s nothing I
can
do that will absolve me from her death,” I stopped.  My lungs quaked in a deep sob, making it nearly impossible to breathe.

McKenzie scooted toward me, pulling me into her warm embrace.  “You can’t blame yourself for this, Andy.”  I wanted to be soothed by her words, but I couldn’t allow it.  She should hate me.  I deserved to be hated for the monster I was.

I shoved away from her, jumping from the bed.  “Don’t you see?” I threw my hands in the air, practically screaming.  “I don’t deserve your sympathy.  I killed my daughter!  Had it not been for my father, I’d probably be in prison right now.”  I raked my nails across my scalp. 

“Prison?” she questioned.  “It was an accident.”

“That’s not what the great county of Suffolk believed.  My father called in a couple of favors, and had the charges dropped.  If not for him, I would’ve been charged with vehicular homicide,” I choked back another sob as I continued; trying to get every word out before she left me again.  This time, forever.  There was no way she’d want me now that she knew I was a murderer.  “That’s why I started drinking heavily and why I disappeared after Olivia announced she was pregnant.  And why I had to get out of your apartment this morning.”  Pacing back and forth, I felt like a caged animal.  One who tasted freedom, knowing the happiness it brought, only to be stuck in a cage against its will.  My past was my living hell, my cage, and I deserved to be in it.  “Being around Honor brings all of the memories of Autumn back to the surface.  I see what my baby girl should’ve been, and it’s more than I can handle.”

McKenzie bounced off the bed.  Suddenly, she grabbed my face, pulling me to her level.  I jerked, only for her to tighten her grip on me.  “Andrew Jonathan Wise, you listen to me, and
you listen to me closely,” she sternly demanded.  Her hands tightened around my face.  “You did
not
kill your daughter.”  Her mouth set in a stern, straight line.  “Do you hear me?  You didn’t kill her.  It was an accident.  Why God chose to take her, I don’t know.  But I do know this; she’s up in Heaven right now with Evan and they’re watching over us.  She wouldn’t want you carrying around this guilt with you.”

“I know,” I cried.  “I know, but I do. 
Every day.  I failed her.  The one person in the world I was meant to protect and I didn’t.”

With the
palms of her hands, McKenzie patted my cheeks, drying my tears.  “A wise man once told me that I’m not a failure.  I’m a survivor.” 

I chuckled flatly.  “Pun intended?”

“Maybe a little, but those words do ring true.  Andy, I’m now telling you that you’re not a failure.  You’re a survivor.”

She brushed her fingers over my hair, caressing me in the most loving way.  I’d expected her to run from me, screaming, but instead she was right here loving me.  Maybe she was right.  All this time I’d blamed her for running away, for leaving me, when I was the one who left her.  I’d checked out before she left and neglected to contact her.  I left her in the dark.  Instead of turning to her months ago, as I should’ve, I found solace in the bottom of a bottle.

“You don’t hate me?” I asked; my voice crippled with emotion.

“I
never
hated you.  I was hurt.  All this time I thought with the way you left me and then since you called Olivia first, that you’d decided that there was no place for me in your life.  And I agreed; not because I didn’t love you, but because I
did
.  I wanted you to be happy, and having to deal with the drama that would certainly follow with our being together and you fathering Olivia’s baby,” she paused, sighing, “well, let’s just say, I understand now.  If the roles were reversed, I can’t say I wouldn’t have reacted the same.  I’m so sorry.”  She kissed the corner of my mouth.  “I’ve been so wrong.”

“It’s my fault.  If I’d only told you the truth from the beginning.”

“Andy, we were just getting started.  There was no reason for you to tell me.”

“But if I had-” 

She pressed her fingers to my lips.  “There’s a million what-if’s between us.  What if you’d told me from the start?  What if I hadn’t run away without allowing you to explain?  There’s no right answer.  There’s only one truth.   We’re both at fault,” she admitted. 

“Yeah,” I whimpered, pressing my lips to her fingertips.  I pulled her tight against my chest, holding her close.  Everything inside me screamed to never let her go.  So, I didn’t.

Through all of the tears and apologizes, McKenzie and I drifted down onto the bed.  I rested my head on her stomach, where she gently played with my hair.  My eyes fluttered closed, heavy and hurting from the amount of tears I’d shed. 

“Please don’t leave me,” I whispered, stifling a yawn.  The yawn won out.

“I’m not going anywhere.”  Her nails lightly grazed along my scalp. 

“Promise?” I mumbled, feeling the heaviness of sleep coming on fast. 

“I promise, Andy.”  She kissed two fingertips and placed them to my lips.  “Sleep now.”

“Sleep sounds nice,” I mumbled incoherently. 

She pulled the covers over us and shut off the lights.  In the dark of the room, I felt peace surround me.  Wrapped in her arms, I drifted off to slumber.  The weight of my guilt and all of the lies lifted from my chest, making it possible for me to be able to breathe for the first time in seven years. Like a broken bone that was set wrong, we’d re-broken my heart, only this time, I had a sneaky suspicion that it would heal properly.  McKenzie and I still had a lot to work out, but we were on the right path, and that was a start.

“Andy,” a soft murmur tickled my ear.

“Hmm?” I rolled to my side, pulling the covers over my head.  My head throbbed worse than any hangover I could remember.  Pressure pulsed behind my eyes and my face felt swollen.  I guess that’s what a night of truth and tears can do to a person.

McKenzie shook my shoulder.  “Wake up, sleepy head,” she intoned, pulling the covers away.

I squirmed and groaned, grappling for the bedding.  “Just five more minutes.”

McKenzie kicked off of the covers and began scooting down to the bottom of the bed.   I shot up, instantly awake, grabbing her by the arm.  “Hey, where do you think you’re going?”

She withdrew her arm from my grasp, dropping her legs over the end of the bed.  “To the bathroom.  I gotta pee.”  With a goofy little grin on her face, she lifted her legs in the air and wiggled her toes. 

I gave her a dismissive gesture.  “Well, go, woman.”

She leaned back and kissed my cheek.  “Don’t go anywhere.” 

I placed my hand over my heart, gasping in mock horror.  “Now that I know the extent of your wrath, I wouldn’t dream of it.”  I massaged my cheek where McKenzie had slapped me.

Cutting me a scandalized look, she bounced off the bed.  “I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”

I fell back, crossing my arms under my head, watching her move out of bed.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I still expected her to bolt.  Even though we’d both promised to stay last night, I couldn’t imagine why she would.  She’d told me over and over that I needed to forgive myself.  That losing Autumn hadn’t been my fault.  Deep down, I knew she was right, but the road to forgiveness was rough, especially when you must forgive yourself.  I’d hated myself for a long time.  Seven years of self-loathing can’t vanish overnight, but opening up to McKenzie was the beginning of allowing myself to heal.  In my heart of hearts, I knew that.

“Right,” I tittered.  “I hate to tell you, but you’re scary when you’re angry.”

McKenzie stood at the foot of the bed, her arms crossed over her chest, playfully glaring at me.  Her hair was wild.  Her makeup was a mess, and my clothes swallowed her whole.  Yet, I couldn’t recall ever seeing her look more beautiful.  She was a vision of Heaven.  “I’m not scary.”

“I thought your head would explode.”  I rubbed my chin.  Damn, I needed to shave.  “You actually defied the laws of nature last night.”

“Really?  How so?”  She placed her hand on her hip, cocking her head to the side.

“You managed to squeal the tires of a Prius.  My mind is still boggling over that feat.”

McKenzie rolled her eyes, shaking her head.  “I’m sure people do it all the time.”

I sat up straight, throwing my arms in the air.  “No!  That’s the point.  It’s a
Prius
.  There’s no power in that thing.”

“My car has power.”  She crossed her legs, bouncing slightly.

“No, sweetheart.  It doesn’t.”

“Sometimes you have to release the nature of the beast.  Besides, that doesn’t prove I’m scary.”

“Nature of the beast,” I scoffed.  I laid back in the bed, my knees bent and my feet flat on the mattress.  “But you blowing up like a puffer fish does prove it.”

“A puffer fish?”  She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“Yes, a puffer fish.  You come off as such a sweet, normal little fish in the ocean, but when you get pissed off you blow up.  At one point, I thought you were going to rip my head off.”

McKenzie reached out and lightly smacked the top of my feet with her knuckles.  “You’re exaggerating.”

“You think so?  Ask Jared.  That man is probably still quaking in fear.”

A little gasp escaped her.  She covered her mouth, and her eyes widened.  “No.  Was I really that bad?”

“Let me just say I learned to never piss you off at the risk of losing my life.”  She rocked from side to side, practically dancing in place.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized.

“You’re really going to be sorry if you pee on the floor.”  I motioned toward the bathroom with my head.

“Oh my God.  Thank you.”  She darted off, disappearing around the corner.  I couldn’t help but laugh; watching her gather the oversized pants at her waist as she ran.  The bathroom door slammed closed, leaving me alone in the room.  I bounced off the bed, making my way to the dresser where I’d left my cell phone during the night.

It came as no surprise that I had several missed calls, including about a half dozen from Olivia.  I groaned, dropping down on the foot of the bed.  While no proclamation of love and devotion was made between McKenzie and myself, there was an unspoken agreement that we’d try to fix the damage we’d both done to each other.  I was determined to do whatever I could to correct the mistakes I’d made with her.  There was no excuse for how blind I’d been to my own actions.  She had every right to leave me all those months ago, and she had equal right to walk out now.  Yet, she was here.  That had to account for something.

I scrolled through my emails, and clicked on the reminder from Ethan that I needed to check-in for my flight. 

To: Andrew Wise

From: Ethan Montgomery

Date: Sunday, 17 June 2012  Time: 12:34 am

Subject: Your awesome assistant wishes to remind you…

Yeah, you read that right.  This awesome assistant of yours is up at midnight on a Saturday night, making sure your sorry ass doesn’t miss his flight tomorrow, instead of going out and getting laid by all the hottest babes in Florida. 

Since I’m pretty confident you were successful in winning back the lovely McKenzie Evans, I took the liberty to purchase a ticket to Boston for her.  Don’t worry; I made sure to use your personal credit card so that a former, snoopy, not so awesome, assistant couldn’t get her grubby hands on the information.  Oh, and by the way, I also bought myself tickets to Foxy Boxing next month with your card.  It’s the least you can do for the man who had to field all of the calls from ‘yo baby momma’.  That woman about drove me crazy while you were without a phone.  Which by the way, I want full details on that story.  Gavin wasn’t very forthcoming.

Anyway, yours and McKenzie itinerary are attached. I’ve also emailed Gavin with his and Jared’s travel information.  See.  Told you I’m awesome.

Have a great trip.  I can’t wait to meet the woman that has you all tied up in knots.  She’s got to be something really special. 

-Ethan

Foxy boxing.
Leave it to Ethan to come up with something as lame as that.  He could’ve at least been original and bought tickets to the midget ladies mud wrestling tournament.  Not that I would condone that sort of behavior. 

A thousand little butterflies wiggled in my stomach after reading his email.  He’d purchased a ticket for McKenzie.  The easy part was done.  Now I had to handle the hard part - convincing her to come with me.  Although it might not be so hard after the breakthrough we had last night.  Maybe, just maybe, she’d be excited to go.

“What has you all smiley?” McKenzie asked.  Good Lord this woman was stealthy.  I didn’t even hear her flush.

I dropped my phone in my lap and looked up to see McKenzie fully dressed.  She’d pulled her hair up in a ponytail and washed her face.  Even without makeup, she was absolutely gorgeous.  She sat down next to me, folding her hands in her lap.  “I was just reading an email from my assistant.”
I picked up my phone, showing her the screen, before dropping it back down.

She squinted her eyes, darting her tongue over her lips, pondering, “Ethan, right?” 

“Yeah.  He was reminding me to check in for my flight.”

“Ah, I see.”  She nodded once, looking down at her hands.

Now was as good of a time as any to ask her.  So, I swallowed back the butterflies withering and churning in my belly.  “I know this will seem out of the blue and maybe even a little crazy with all that’s happened to us over the past couple of days,” I chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of my neck, “or months, but,” I inhaled deep, “would you like to join me in Boston?”

McKenzie’s head shot up.  Her mouth dropped open and it took her a moment to speak.  “I, uh, I, well, I don’t know what to say.”

Her hesitation made me feel suddenly exposed and childlike.  I gave her a nonchalant shrug.  “Say yes.”

It felt like an eternity as I awaited her answer.  McKenzie stood up, and padded over to the dresser.  I caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror.  A storm raged in her eyes.  “Can I have some time to think about it?”

I pushed myself off of the bed, stretched my tense muscles, and walked up behind her.  Placing my hands on her shoulders, I stared at our reflections in the mirror.  We both wore the same weary signs of a sleepless night spent in deep discussion and tears.  “The flight doesn’t take off until three.  So we have a little time.”

She turned to face me, giving me a great glimpse of the tattoo on the small of her back through the mirror.  I wrapped my arms around her, sliding my thumbs along the ink on her skin.  “Thank you for understanding,” she murmured. 

I forced a smile, feeling unsure and less than confident about our future.  McKenzie placed her hands on my face, tracing the corners of my eyes.  “I’ve always loved how your eyes crinkle when you smile.”  Her fingers drifted down to my cheeks.  “And the way your dimples appear.”

A prickle of desire rushed down my spine.  Being this close to her again set my soul on fire.  I leaned down and pressed my lips tenderly to hers.  She met my kiss with intensity, gently coaxing her tongue into my mouth.  I held her tight, trying to convey everything I wished for her to understand in that kiss. 

This felt right.  It’d always been easy between us, and it could be again.  All of the walls she’d built up around her were crumbling right before my very eyes.  I’d believed that her loving me was a miracle within itself.  The day she confessed her feelings for me was one of the greatest days of my life, but even that didn’t compare to how this felt.  She forgave me.  I’d forgiven her.  If that could happen then anything was possible.

Such power exploded between us.  Everything inside me wanted her, needed her, but she pulled back, breathless, smiling up at me.  “I have to leave for a while,” she whispered, planting a soft kiss against my Adam’s apple.

I tilted my head back, savoring the feeling of her warm mouth against my skin.  “I don’t want you to leave.”

“I have to,” she rasped against my throat.  “My parents are probably freaking out.  I left my cell phone in my car and never called anyone back last night.”

Her hands moved up under my shirt, resting against my stomach, as she continued her heated kisses along my neck.  I loved this powerful woman standing in front of me.  She’d changed more than I realized over the last couple of months, and if I were being an honest man, I’d say the changes were for the better.  I gripped her waist and picked her up off the floor, planting her bottom on top of the dresser.  She wrapped her legs around me, pulling me close to her.  “Call them from my phone and stay.”

“That wouldn’t change the fact that I need to leave.  I’m supposed to be at their house right about now.”

Trailing kisses down her neck, I leaned her back against the mirror, pressing deep into her.  “Why now?”

Her eyes fluttered closed, as she slipped her hands up my back.  They were both cold and warm against my skin.  A mix of pleasure that was indescribable.  “Because, it’s Sunday morning, and I’m supposed to go to church with them.”

Shocked by her statement, I pulled back, bringing her up with me.  She seemed stunned by my sudden movement, but maintained her hold on me.  “Church?” I croaked.  “I didn’t know you attended church.”

“I didn’t in Florida, but not for a lack of trying.  I simply never found a church that fit.  Back here, though, I go to church.  You know what?”  A slow smile crept across her face.  “You should come with me.”

I blinked several times.  “Wait.  What? Me? Church?”  I stammered.   The last time I was inside a chapel was for Autumn’s funeral.  To say that God and I weren’t on speaking terms was a bit of an understatement.  With my luck, the place would collapse the moment I entered.

“Yeah.  That’s a great idea.  All three of you should come,” she persisted.