The Child Whisperer (24 page)

When it comes to expressing their feelings, Type 3 children process their feelings swiftly. If they scrape a knee, they might rage about it for a second, rub it, and move on. Or if they come to you for a kiss, they’ll take off quickly as soon as it’s “all better.” Extended comfort sessions are not needed. They feel passionately for a brief time, and then they move forward swiftly to the next experience.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Pay attention if your Type 3 child ever stops processing their feelings swiftly. Lengthy tantrums or extended struggles with you are a sign that your child feels thwarted or blocked from an activity that they need. If it is truly not possible for them to do what they want, redirect your child to another activity, rather than try to stop them completely.

You will probably never wonder how your Type 3 child feels—because they will tell you. These children actively and loudly vocalize the way they feel. Whether they’re happy, sad, excited, or upset, the outward expression of their feelings may seem intense. None of their reactions are overblown. It’s just their active/reactive nature showing up!

As mentioned before, some adults may try to tone down a Type 3 child’s loud reaction. Negative judgments of them may create a situation in which a Type 3 child does not feel they are allowed to vocalize their feelings. When this happens, these children may
do
something (like scribble on a wall or break a toy) to vent that energy and get attention. Look out for outright destructiveness as a sign that your Type 3 child does not feel allowed to share their feelings at home.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 3 feels they need to hold in emotions without expressing them openly, they may explode disproportionately in anger at someone and then feel embarrassed by the intensity of their feelings. If your child explodes at you, do not match their fiery outburst with your own. Don’t tell them to calm down—this will only fire them up more! Let them be loud, acknowledge the intensity of their feelings, and recognize that the disproportionate outburst is not all about you. You should always be direct with your Type 3 child. Tell them, “I want you to tell me what you feel,” or, “Tell me what you need to do in order to feel better.”

If they are misbehaving and not responding to your requests, engage them physically in some way. Rather than just telling your child to stop or to listen, touch your child’s shoulder or physically crouch down to talk on their level.

You can also minimize explosive episodes by paying attention to your child’s goals and supporting them in accomplishing those goals. These children become most frustrated when something blocks their way and keeps them from moving forward. If you can help them feel a sense of accomplishment and forward movement in the things that matter to them, they will have fewer reasons to explode.

What are some ways you thought of that will help your Type 3 child feel like they are open to express themselves? List them here:

Just because these children are physical, active, and fiery doesn’t mean they are not caring. They are actually quite empathetic. You may find that when someone is hurt or sad, your Type 3 child jumps into action to solve it before anyone else. They’re the first to run to get the Band-aids or the favorite blanket. They’re determined to help. Recognize the active empathy in your child and appreciate it.

. . . .

WALKER’S STORY

Watching Out for Everyone

Four-year-old Walker was out with his family when he saw another family getting into an elevator. The other family’s oldest son held the elevator door open for everyone. Walker didn’t know how elevator doors worked yet, and became quite concerned that the door would close on the boy. Walker demanded that everyone stop so that someone could take care of the boy holding the door to the elevator.

Even though Walker is much older now, he still approaches other children’s parents without hesitation to express concern for the child’s safety or to express admiration for a certain behavior. In true Type 3 fashion, he actively looks out for others around him, ready to move into action whenever they need support.

. . . .

Child Whisperer Tip:
Because these children are so active and outwardly confident, you might sometimes assume that they don’t need reassurance. After all, they already know they are great and they accomplish so much on their own. Because of this assumption, these children tend to hear expressions of love and reassurance the least of all 4 Types of children. Even though they
are
naturally confident, they appreciate your validation. Here are some examples of how to express this in a way that your Type 3 child will appreciate: “Wow, you sure get the job done,” “I love how you accomplish so much,” or “I am so impressed by you.”

If you don’t feel emotionally connected to your Type 3 child, there’s a reason! Consider the possibility that your child has one of these experiences with you:

• They feel that you always tell them “No.”
  
• They feel too stifled or limited when they are around you.
  
• They do not experience enough physical activities together with you.
  
• They feel like you talk about what you will do, but never just do it.
  
• They are confused about who they are because their natural, physical expression has been judged by their parent as a weakness.
  

Type 3 children don’t just prefer physical outlets for their energy—they NEED them. Telling this Type of child to settle down and stop moving is like telling fire to just cool down a little bit! When you honor your Type 3 child’s truly active nature, you will see that child become more content and easy to get along with.

Communication: Loud and Forceful

A Type 3 child’s dynamic nature shows up in their communication patterns. These children express themselves loudly, but their loudness does not have the animated quality of a Type 1 child. It’s a more forceful, direct expression that gets right to the point. As babies, they may surprise their parents with their powerful scream that sounds louder than the cries of other children. As they grow, they will easily be able to out-yell, out-scream, and out-talk the rest of the family—unless, of course, you are also a Type 3.

Even though these children express themselves loudly, they may actually talk less than other Types of children. They generally answer questions quickly and avoid discussing topics they view as pointless. They may not communicate in words until they feel there is a result worth talking about. Asking for permission or help may feel like an obstacle so they won’t bother to do so. They’ll often do things themselves without communicating beforehand what they plan to do.

. . . .

LISA’S STORY

Just Do It!

At age six, Lisa’s daughter signed up for a talent show as a dance soloist. This talent show was for the entire school, and she was only a kindergartener. She signed up anyway, tried out, was selected—and only then did she tell her parents.

Lisa didn’t even know her daughter was thinking about trying out. At six years old, this little Type 3 girl just did what needed to be done and then told her parents to attend the performance. Out of all the children from kindergarten to 5
th
grade, she was the only one to perform a solo.

She wasn’t keeping anything from her parents. She probably just didn’t even think of letting them know until there was a result worth talking about.

. . . .

A Type 3’s natural confidence also expresses itself as they communicate. They announce their decisions, rather than ask for input. They often state their opinions or plans as facts and expect everyone else to go along. If they want something that a parent or peer won’t let them have, they are likely to press or argue for it. When these children are misunderstood, their communication tendencies may sound aggressive or contentious to others. This is not the case. Type 3 children express themselves more forcefully, but they don’t necessarily want to fight.

They do, however, like to see a reaction from their actions. If they do not feel allowed to express their substantial energy in a healthy way, they may inadvertently create scenarios where they say or do things just to get a reaction from others. For instance, they might resort to taunting their siblings or friends. They might also persistently poke at their parents or teachers in a subconscious effort to get them to respond, even if their reaction is negative.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 3 child seems to pick a lot of fights with their siblings, friends, or peers at school, consider where in their life your child’s energy feels stifled. Where are they not experiencing the healthy reactions and results that they need in order to thrive? You can even ask an older child directly for their feedback: “What do you need to DO right now to feel better and stop fighting?”

  When they feel misunderstood or unheard, Type 3 children tend to get even louder than usual. Their voices get bigger and bigger in an attempt to get their point across in a way that makes the other person listen. In these scenarios, they may be told that they never stop hammering the point. They are not trying to badger anyone or hold onto something that’s worth letting go. They just won’t stop until they feel they’ve achieved the result of being heard and understood.

Child Whisperer Tip:
If your Type 3 child is getting louder and more persistent about a point in a conversation with you, they feel that you’re not truly listening to them. You may think you are (how could you not be when they’re shouting so loudly?), but something you’re doing makes them feel threatened or misunderstood. Don’t try to out-shout them or calm them down. You should actually do the exact opposite—be quieter and listen more! Validate their passionate nature: “Wow. I can tell you’re really fired up about this. Tell me more about it.” When a Type 3 child feels heard and validated, their volume will naturally come back down to a more reasonable level for you both. They won’t shout at you when they feel that they are heard.