The Color of a Dream (15 page)

Nearby, Ellen bounced happily in her
ExerSaucer.

“Maybe Diana should be here,” I mentioned,
“because this is about Rick.”

“Oh.” The color drained from Nadia’s face.
“Did you talk to your parents today?”

When I told her I had, Nadia called Diana
into the room. Soon we were all seated around the coffee table.
Nadia set the towel aside.

I wasted no time in explaining how Rick had
been diagnosed with cancer a year ago and had surgery and
chemotherapy.

Diana covered her mouth with a hand. “That’s
awful. I can’t believe it. Is he okay?”

“He’s fine now,” I replied. “He made it
through all the treatments and my parents say he’s completely
cured.”

“What a relief.” Diana was still in shock,
while Nadia stared at Ellen with concern.

“I’m sorry to hear about it, too,” she said.
“What a year it’s been…for all of us.” She paused and met my gaze.
“Is this why he wants to be a part of Ellen’s life now? A brush
with death can make you think about things.”

Obviously she was speaking from experience.
I looked down at my lap. “Yeah, but it’s not just that.
Unfortunately, the chemotherapy caused some trouble. He can’t have
children now.”

Diana sat forward. “He’s sterile?”

“Yes,” I replied, “and he’s engaged.
Apparently he met someone when he was having his treatments—a woman
whose mother was in for breast cancer treatments.”

Nadia winced and covered her face with her
hands. “Oh, God, I knew it. He has all his ducks in a row. What
court is ever going to refuse him custody of his own child after
all he’s been through? And now he’s going to be a perfect husband
with a happy home and all the money in the universe.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Diana said. “And
it’s not a lost cause yet. You’re still Ellen’s mother and you’ve
been taking great care of her on your own. She’s a happy, healthy
little girl.”

“Only because of
you
,” I argued. “If
not for you I’d be out on the street, or maybe even dead. I haven’t
been able to work for more than a year, and even if I could, how
would I pay for childcare?”

Diana held up a hand. “That’s not even an
issue. You’re my sister and this is your house, too. I’ve already
named you as my sole beneficiary in my will, so all my assets go to
you if I should die.”

“But you support me completely, in every
way,” I said. “I’m not reliable on my own.”

“Who
is
?” Diana argued. “Either way
I’m here for you and I’m Ellen’s guardian if anything should
happen, so she’s safe and she has everything she needs.”

Nadia stood up and began to pace. I felt as
if I was intruding on their conversation. I was a stranger in their
home and they were discussing things I supposedly knew nothing
about—although I did know something about it. I was going to have
to say something soon.

Ellen began to cry, sensing the tension, no
doubt. How could anyone miss it?

Nadia lifted Ellen out of the ExerSaucer.
“There, there,” she gently said. Holding her close in her arms, she
stroked her baby’s back and kissed her on the cheek. “Everything’s
going to be okay.”

Diana pinched the bridge of her nose. I
could see she was concerned about the case. She was a lawyer. She
knew the facts and the odds. And she knew Rick.

Nadia looked down at me. “I’m sorry, Jesse.
I’m sure you didn’t expect the whole world to explode like this
when you came here.”

“Don’t apologize,” I said. “I get it.”

Nadia paced around the room, whispering
soothing words to Ellen. Quietly, she asked me, “Have you spoken to
him at all?”

I shook my head. “Not yet, but I will if you
want me to.”

“What would you say?”

“I could try and talk some sense into him,”
I said. “I’ll tell him how much you love Ellen and make him see
that it would be wrong to take her away from you.”

I didn’t admit this to Nadia, but deep down
I wasn’t sure how much good it would do. Rick and I had never seen
eye to eye on anything. He had never listened to me before, not
when it came to the pain of others.

Diana looked up. “Jesse’s right. We have to
try and make Rick see that he’s asking too much and it would be
very cruel to Ellen.” She took a moment to think about everything,
then continued. “I’m sorry to say this, Nadia, but the truth
is…after hearing this…there’s very little chance we can prevent him
from gaining custody, but it doesn’t have to be
full
custody. If he, or his new fiancée, could only see you with Ellen,
we might be able to convince them to consider a shared custody
arrangement. Let’s hope his fiancée is reasonable and that she has
a kind heart.”

Nadia scoffed. “What are the chances of
that? I can just see her now. She wants a perfect life in a ritzy
penthouse with a shiny black Jag. She can even have an instant baby
without the problem of stretch marks. She’ll crush me like a
bug.”

I turned in my chair. “According to my
parents, she’s a physicist and they said Rick left his job and
moved out of LA. They bought a house in Sacramento.”

Diana’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.
“Sacramento? Rick is living in Sacramento?”

I nodded and Nadia continued to pace. We
were all quiet for a long moment.

“Maybe he really has changed,” Diana
suggested.

Nadia and I both looked at her like she’d
grown a second head.

“Either way,” she said, “we have to prepare
ourselves. If he can suddenly present himself as the perfect
father, we need to make sure you’re the perfect mother.”

Nadia sat down on the sofa and bounced Ellen
on her knee. “I’m hardly that. You know I have a very big
flaw.”

She and Diana, identical twins on opposite
ends of the sofa, shared an intimate look.

“Because you had a heart transplant?” I
asked.

They each turned to me.

“You know about that?” Nadia asked.

I nodded. “My parents told me. And I’m
pretty sure that’s Rick’s strongest argument against you.”

“Of course it is.” Diana seemed
unsurprised.

Nadia stared at me with regret. “I’m sorry I
didn’t tell you about that.”

“No worries,” I replied. “You only just met
me.”

Diana stood and reached her arms out to
Ellen. “Hey cutie pie, how about some supper?” She settled Ellen on
her hip, then ventured toward the kitchen. “Why don’t you two have
a conversation about that? I’ll feed Ellen and put her to bed.”

With that, she left us alone.

We sat for a moment, staring at each other
in silence. “Want to go for a drive?” I suggested.

“Sure,” Nadia replied. “Just let me put on
some shoes.”

“I should have told you about the
transplant,” Nadia said as we pulled away from the curb, “but I
didn’t want you to feel sorry for me.”

“
Sorry
for you?” I laughed at that.
“Trust me, that’s not what I’m feeling at all.” I turned right at
the corner and headed toward the Charles River Esplanade. “I’m
amazed that you’re alive, that you went through all of that and had
Ellen, and now you’re dealing with this custody case. What I really
think is that you must be made of something
incredibly…
durable
.”

“Durable?” Nadia chuckled. “You see? This is
exactly what I was trying to avoid, because no woman wants an
attractive man to think of her as
durable
.”

I kept my eyes on the road. “So you think
I’m attractive…”

She laughed. “You’re all right.”

I smiled and pressed on the gas.

“So what happened?” I finally asked. “Can
you tell me about it?”

She breathed deeply. “Are you sure you want
to know?”

“I do.”

We shared a look, then she rolled down the
window. “I got sick when I was pregnant with Ellen. I was about
five months along. It just seemed like a regular flu virus at
first, nothing to be concerned about, but afterward, when I should
have been getting better, I felt more and more tired. I was short
of breath all the time. I thought maybe it was just the pregnancy
because everyone told me it was normal to feel tired, but
eventually I ended up in the hospital in heart failure.”

“God…”

She nodded. “What I had is called
myocarditis and it’s not that uncommon. The virus attacks the heart
muscle, so it had nothing to do with me eating fatty foods or not
getting enough exercise. My heart was in perfect working order
before that. It was just a run of bad luck, made worse by the fact
that I was pregnant which took more of a toll on my body. But we
were incredibly lucky, Ellen and I. I was able to hang on long
enough for them to deliver her by C-section. Then I got lucky again
with a donor heart that became available not long after. That was
just under a year ago. Now I’m doing pretty well.”

I glanced at Nadia in the passenger seat and
though I didn’t intend it, my gaze raked over the full length of
her body. “You certainly
look
great.”

Her expressive eyes shone in the pale light
of the evening. “Shameless flatterer.”

Something intense sparked between us, and
nothing could have lessened my attraction to her—not a heart
transplant, not the fact that we barely knew each other, and
especially not my brother who still managed to maintain a cruel
hold on her from miles away. If anything, that made me want to help
her even more.

With that thought, I wondered—with more than
a little unease—what was happening here, exactly?

There was no question that I had feelings
for Nadia. How could I not? She was articulate, interesting and
gorgeous. I could barely think straight when she was around and
when she wasn’t, all I wanted to do was find a way to be with her
again.

But I also wanted to make sure Rick didn’t
destroy her like he destroyed Angela.

So was this about Rick, then? Would I still
be here—would I be so drawn to this wounded woman—if it was some
other man suing her for custody of their child? Or would I be
running for the hills?

Nadia

For me, the world came into focus on that
hazy summer evening when Jesse took me driving and I told him about
my heart transplant. That was the night I knew something
extraordinary was truly happening between us and it wasn’t just my
imagination.

The whole interior of his car lit up with
electricity every time we looked at each other. He asked intimate
and caring questions and I quickly came to appreciate that he
wasn’t like other men who prefer to play it cool at first.

To the contrary, Jesse was an open book. He
revealed his feelings to me in ways no other man ever had on a
first or second date. I suspected he wouldn’t be afraid to leap
into a serious relationship right away. In fact, I believe, in
those early days, that he desperately wanted it—that he felt he had
loved and lost enough for one lifetime. I sensed that he craved
permanence. When I was with him, I never felt I had to worry about
coming on too strong, nor did I have to play games. He wanted to
know everything about me that night. It continues to surprise me,
as I look back on it.

Because for a man who wanted permanence and
love to last a lifetime, I was, without a doubt, completely wrong
for him.

* * *

“Would you have married Rick if he’d
proposed?” Jesse asked after we parked the car and began to stroll
along the bank of the Charles River. The sun was just setting and
the sky glowed with a mixture of pinks and blues.

“You mean when I told him I was pregnant?” I
gestured to a green painted bench where we sat down to watch the
sailboats go by.

Jesse rested an arm along the back of the
bench and waited for me to answer the question, but I really had to
think about it. Not that I didn’t already know the answer. I did,
but I had to figure out how to articulate it.

Turning on the bench to face him, I was
briefly distracted by the absorbing blue color of his eyes and the
handsome contours of his face. The longer I knew him, the more
attractive he became. I needed to keep my head, however, so I
looked down at my hands in my lap.

“It’s not easy to admit this,” I replied,
“but I think I might have said yes if he proposed. Not because I
loved him or believed he would make a good husband or father. After
what happened with Diana and me I didn’t believe that at all, but I
was alone and afraid and I wanted to take good care of my baby.
Your brother had money, and that, on its own, might have been
enough to sway me. It would have been a mistake, of course, and I’m
sure I would have regretted it.”

“Really?” he asked. “Would you regret it now
if it meant you wouldn’t be fighting a custody battle?”

“I would have had to fight one eventually,”
I told him. “It just would have been mixed in with a divorce.”

He gazed out at the water and nodded. “How
long were you together?”

“Not that long. Only a few months and I
still blame myself for the fact that we ended up together at all.
I’m not proud of it because he was with Diana before. I’m the
reason they broke up.”

“Is that true?”

“Yes, but you have to understand where I was
coming from. I’d had a rough life until that point. I started out
in foster homes, then I was adopted, but my dad wasn’t a model
parent. My mom died later, so when I met Rick I had no family,
except for Diana, who I’d only just met. When he poured on the
charm, I wasn’t equipped to deal with it or turn him down. Like I
said, I’m not proud of what happened and I thank God every day that
Diana was able to forgive me.”

We were quiet for a long moment while
joggers ran by us and boats sailed slowly toward the mouth of the
harbor.

“Have you ever thought about forgiving Rick
for the things that happened between you?” I asked.