The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (403 page)

For an ass.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Ha, ha! what sayest thou?

Ha, Ha! What did you say to me?
MOTH Marry, sir, you must send the ass upon the horse,

Only, sir, that you must send that ass on horseback,
for he is very slow-gaited. But I go.

Since he is so slow. But I’ll go.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The way is but short: away!

The way is very short: go!
MOTH As swift as lead, sir.

As fast as lead, sir.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The meaning, pretty ingenious?

And what’s the meaning of that, smart guy?
Is not lead a metal heavy, dull, and slow?

Isn’t lead a heavy metal, dull and slow?
MOTH Minime, honest master; or rather, master, no.

Not at all, master; or rather, no, master.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I say lead is slow.

I say lead is slow.
MOTH You are too swift, sir, to say so:

You are too swift to say so, sir.
Is that lead slow which is fired from a gun?

Is lead slow that is fired from a gun?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO  Sweet smoke of rhetoric!

Sweet smoke of rhetoric!
He reputes me a cannon; and the bullet, that's he:

He calls me a cannon; and him a bullet:
I shoot thee at the swain.

I shoot you at the country boy!
MOTH Thump then and I flee.

“Boom” then and I run away.
ExitDON ADRIANO DE ARMADO A most acute juvenal; voluble and free of grace!

A very keen young man; quick-witted and charming!
By thy favour, sweet welkin, I must sigh in thy face:

By your favor, sweet sky, I must sigh in your face:
Most rude melancholy, valour gives thee place.

And such rude melancholy, courage gives way to you.
My herald is return'd.

My herald has retunred.
Re-enter MOTH with COSTARDMOTH A wonder, master! here's a costard broken in a shin.

It’s a mystery, master! Here is Costard, with a bruised shin.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Some enigma, some riddle: come, thy l'envoy; begin.

Some puzzle, some riddle: come, tell us your l’envoy.

COSTARD No enigma, no riddle, no l'envoy; no salve in the

No puzzle, no riddle, no l’envoy; there’s no salve in the
mail, sir: O, sir, plantain, a plain plantain! No

Mail, sir: O, sir, an ointment, a plain ointment! No
l'envoy, no l'envoy; no salve, sir, but a plantain!

l’envoy, no l’envoy; no salve, sir, but an ointment!

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By virtue, thou enforcest laughter; thy silly

My word, you make me laugh; my spleen
thought my spleen; the heaving of my lungs provokes

Thinks you’re silly; the heaving of my lungs provokes
me to ridiculous smiling. O, pardon me, my stars!

Me to smile ridiculously. O, pardon me, my stars!
Doth the inconsiderate take salve for l'envoy, and

Does the fool think that ointment means l’envoy, and
the word l'envoy for a salve?

The word l’envoy means ointment?
MOTH Do the wise think them other? is not l'envoy a salve?

Do the wise think that they’re not? Isn’t a l’envoy an ointment?

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO No, page: it is an epilogue or discourse, to make plain

No, young one: it is an epilogue or conversation, to make understood
Some obscure precedence that hath tofore been sain.

Some hidden moral.
I will example it:

Here’s an example:
The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,
Were still at odds, being but three.

Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.
There's the moral. Now the l'envoy.

There’s the moral. Now the l’envoy.
MOTH I will add the l'envoy. Say the moral again.

I will add the l’envoy. Say the moral again.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,

Were still at odds, being but three.

Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.
MOTH Until the goose came out of door,

Until the goose came out the door,
And stay'd the odds by adding four.

And fixed the odds by making them four.
Now will I begin your moral, and do you follow with

Now I will begin your moral, and you follow with
my l'envoy.

My l’envoy.
The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,
Were still at odds, being but three.

Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Until the goose came out of door,

Until the goose came out the door,
Staying the odds by adding four.

And fixed the odds by making them four.
MOTH A good l'envoy, ending in the goose: would you

A good l’envoy ending in the goose: would you
desire more?

Desire more?
COSTARD The boy hath sold him a bargain, a goose, that's flat.

The boy has sold him a bargain, a goose, that’s flat.
Sir, your pennyworth is good, an your goose be fat.

Sir, your contribution is good, and your goose is fat.
To sell a bargain well is as cunning as fast and loose:

To sell a bargain well is as cunning as it is fast and loose.
Let me see; a fat l'envoy; ay, that's a fat goose.

Let me see, a fat l’envoy; yes, that’s a fat goose.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Come hither, come hither. How did this argument begin?

Come now, come now. How did this argument begin?

MOTH By saying that a costard was broken in a shin.

By saying that Costard had a broken shin.
Then call'd you for the l'envoy.

Then you asked for the l’envoy.
COSTARD True, and I for a plantain: thus came your

True, and I asked for an ointment: then your
argument in;

Argument started;
Then the boy's fat l'envoy, the goose that you bought;

Then the boy’s fat l’envoy, the goose that you bought;
And he ended the market.

And he ended the market.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO But tell me; how was there a costard broken in a shin?

But tell me; how did Costard break his shin?
MOTH I will tell you sensibly.

I will tell you.
COSTARD Thou hast no feeling of it, Moth: I will speak that l'envoy:

You can’t even feel it, Moth: I will speak that l’envoy:
I Costard, running out, that was safely within,

I, Costard, running out, from where I was safely within,
Fell over the threshold and broke my shin.

Fell over the doorway and broke my shin.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO We will talk no more of this matter.

We will talk no more of this matter.
COSTARD Till there be more matter in the shin.

Until there is more matter in the shin.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sirrah Costard, I will enfranchise thee.

Slave Costard, I will free you.

COSTARD O, marry me to one Frances: I smell some l'envoy,

O, marry me to Frances: I smell some l’envoy,
some goose, in this.

Some goose, in this.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By my sweet soul, I mean setting thee at liberty,

By my sweet soul, I mean setting you free,
enfreedoming thy person; thou wert immured,

Freeing your person; you were confined,
restrained, captivated, bound.

Restrained, held captive, bound.
COSTARD True, true; and now you will be my purgation and let me loose.

True, true; and now you will be my purification and let me loose.

DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I give thee thy liberty, set thee from durance; and,

I give you your freedom, end your long imprisonment; and
in lieu thereof, impose on thee nothing but this:

Instead of that, impose on you nothing but this:
bear this significant

Take this
Giving a letterto the country maid Jaquenetta:

To the country maid Jaquenetta:
there is remuneration; for the best ward of mine

There is remuneration; for the best guard of my
honour is rewarding my dependents. Moth, follow.

honor is rewarding my dependents. Moth, go with him.
ExitMOTH Like the sequel, I. Signior Costard, adieu.

I will be like the sequel. Mister Costard, goodbye.
COSTARD My sweet ounce of man's flesh! my incony Jew!

You sweet ounce of man’s flesh! You rare and pretty Jew!
Exit MOTH

Now will I look to his remuneration. Remuneration!

Now I will look for his remuneration. Remuneration!
O, that's the Latin word for three farthings: three

O, that’s the Latin word for three pennies: three
farthings--remuneration.--'What's the price of this

Pennies—payment—‘How much for this
inkle?'--'One penny.'--'No, I'll give you a

Linen?’—‘One cent.’—‘No, I’ll give you a
remuneration:' why, it carries it. Remuneration!

Remuneration:’ it wins the day. Remuneration!
why, it is a fairer name than French crown. I will

It’s has a nicer ring to it that French crown. I will
never buy and sell out of this word.

Never buy and sell without using this word.
Enter BIRONBIRON O, my good knave Costard! exceedingly well met.

O, my young rogue Costard!  Very good to see you.
COSTARD Pray you, sir, how much carnation ribbon may a man

Please, sir, how much pink ribbon may a man
buy for a remuneration?
buy for a remuneration?

BIRON What is a remuneration?

What is a remuneration?
COSTARD Marry, sir, halfpenny farthing.

Well, sir, three pennies.
BIRON Why, then, three-farthing worth of silk.

Well, then, three pennies worth of silk.
COSTARD I thank your worship: God be wi' you!

I thank you your worship: God be with you!

BIRON Stay, slave; I must employ thee:

Wait, slave; I need you to do something for me.
As thou wilt win my favour, good my knave,

If you want to win my good regard, my good rogue,
Do one thing for me that I shall entreat.

Do this one thing for me that I ask.
COSTARD When would you have it done, sir?

When do you need it done, sir?
BIRON This afternoon.

This afternoon.
COSTARD Well, I will do it, sir: fare you well.

Well, I will do it, sir: goodbye.
BIRON Thou knowest not what it is.

You don’t even know what it is.
COSTARD I shall know, sir, when I have done it.

I will know, sir, when I have done it.
BIRON Why, villain, thou must know first.

No, scoundrel, you must know what it is first.
COSTARD I will come to your worship to-morrow morning.

I will come to you tomorrow morning, your worship.
BIRON It must be done this afternoon.

But it must be done this afternoon.
Hark, slave, it is but this:

Listen, slave, it is only this:
The princess comes to hunt here in the park,

The princess comes to hunt here in the park,
And in her train there is a gentle lady;

And with her there is a gently lady;
When tongues speak sweetly, then they name her name,

When tongues speak sweetly, then they say her name,
And Rosaline they call her: ask for her;

And Rosaline they call her: ask for her;
And to her white hand see thou do commend

And into her white hand see that you entrust
This seal'd-up counsel. There's thy guerdon; go.

This sealed up private letter. There’s your guerdon; go.
Giving him a shillingCOSTARD Gardon, O sweet gardon! better than remuneration,