The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (486 page)

[Editor's note: in the speech by Nym, ‘humour’ is used in multiple ways which it is impossible to convey by replacing it with a single modern word, so Page's reference to it here should be noted in the context of the original]

FORD

I will seek out Falstaff.

I will go and find Falstaff.

PAGE

I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

I never heard such a drawling, affected scoundrel.

FORD

If I do find it: well.

If I do find him, we shall see what happens.

PAGE

I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest

o' the town commended him for a true man.

I will never believe such a liar, even if the priest

of the town said that he was honest.

FORD

'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

That makes sense: well well.

PAGE

How now, Meg!

MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward

Hello there, Meg!

MISTRESS PAGE

Whither go you, George? Hark you.

Where are you going, George? Tell me.

MISTRESS FORD

How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?

Hello there, sweet Frank! Why do you look so sad?

FORD

I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

Me sad! I am not sad. You go home.

MISTRESS FORD

Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,

will you go, Mistress Page?

You seem to have some daft ideas.

Will you come, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE

Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.

Aside to MISTRESS FORD

Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger

to this paltry knight.

I'll come with you. You be back in time for dinner, George.

Look who's coming: she shall be our messenger

to this worthless knight.

MISTRESS FORD

[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:

she'll fit it.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

Believe me, I'd already thought of her:

she's just right for the job.

MISTRESS PAGE

You are come to see my daughter Anne?

Have you come to see my daughter Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?

Indeed I have; and, may I ask, how is good Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS PAGE

Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with

you.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

Come in with us and see for yourself: we have a lot to talk to you

about.

PAGE

How now, Master Ford!

Hello there, Master Ford!

FORD

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

You heard what this scoundrel told me, didn't you?

PAGE

Yes: and you heard what the other told me?

Yes: and you heard what the other one told me?

FORD

Do you think there is truth in them?

Do you think they are truthful?

PAGE

Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would

offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent

towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;

very rogues, now they be out of service.

Damn them, the scoundrels! I don't think the knight would

try this on: these men who accuse him of having designs

on our wives are both men who've been sacked by him;

they are absolute rascals, now they're not in his employ.

FORD

Were they his men?

Were they his men?

PAGE

Marry, were they.

They certainly were.

FORD

I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at

the Garter?

I don't like it any better for that. Is he lodging at

the Garter?

PAGE

Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage

towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and

what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it

lie on my head.

Yes he is. If he intends to make this attempt

on my wife, I'm inclined to turn her loose on him;

if he gets anything more from her than harsh words,

then on my own head be it.

FORD

I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to

turn them together. A man may be too confident: I

would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

I don't distrust my wife; but I wouldn't like to

put them together. A man can be overconfident: I

don't want any blame on my head: I wouldn't be happy with that.

PAGE

Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:

there is either liquor in his pate or money in his

purse when he looks so merrily.

Enter Host

How now, mine host!

Here comes the landlord of the Garter, chuntering away:

he's  either got booze in his belly or money in his

purse, he looks so happy.

What's up, mine host!

Host

How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.

Cavaleiro-justice, I say!

Enter SHALLOW

Hello there, my fine fellow! You are a gentleman.

A gallant lad, I say!

SHALLOW

I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and

twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go

with us? we have sport in hand.

I'm with you, mine host, I'm with you. Good day

twenty times over, good Master Page! Master Page, will you

come with us? We've got some fun going.

Host

Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.

Tell him about it, gallant fellow; tell him about it, my dear chap.

SHALLOW

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh

the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

Sir, there is going to be a duel between Sir Hugh

the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

FORD

Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.

Drawing him aside

My dear landlord of the Garter, may I have a word with you?

Host

What sayest thou, my bully-rook?

What is it you want, old chap?

SHALLOW

[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My

merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;

and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;

for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.

Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

They converse apart

Will you come with us to see it? My

jolly host has examined their weapons;

I think he has also set the place for the fight;

for, believe me, I hear the parson is very much in earnest.

Listen, I'll tell you what fun we'll have.

Host

Hast thou no suit against my knight, my

guest-cavaleire?

You haven't any quarrel with my knight,

my brave guest?

FORD

None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of

burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him

my name is Brook; only for a jest.

None, I assure you: but I'll give you half a gallon of

sweet sherry to let me in to see him and tell him

my name is Brook; just for a joke.

Host

My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;

--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is

a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?

Shake on it, lad; I'll let you come and go freely;

–was that a good phrase?–and you shall be called Brook. He is

a jolly knight. Will you come along, gentleman?

SHALLOW

Have with you, mine host.

I'm with you, mine host.

PAGE

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in

his rapier.

I've heard the Frenchman is pretty handy with

his sword.

SHALLOW

Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times

you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and

I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis

here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long

sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

Tut, sir, I could do better than him. These days

they toe the line, they make all sorts of fancy moves:

good fighting comes from the heart, Master Page; it

is in here, here. I can remember the days when I could

have made you four big fellows jump like rats with my long sword.

Host

Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?

Here, boys, come on, come on! Shall we go in?

PAGE

Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.

Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE

I'll come with you. I would rather hear them arguing than fight.

FORD

Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly

on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my

opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's

house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,

I will look further into't: and I have a disguise

to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not

my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.

Exit

Although Page is foolishly overconfident, and puts so much faith

in his wife's weakness, I can't be quite so

confident; she was with him at Page's

house; and what they got up to there, I don't know. Well,

I will investigate it further: I have a plan by which I shall

quiz Falstaff. If I find she's faithful, that won't

be a waste of time; if she is not, it will be time well spent.