The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (487 page)

Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL

FALSTAFF

I will not lend thee a penny.

I won't lend you a penny.

PISTOL

Why, then the world's mine oyster,

Which I with sword will open.

Well then, I shall have to get my living

with my sword.

FALSTAFF

Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should

lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my

good friends for three reprieves for you and your

coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through

the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in

hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were

good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress

Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon

mine honour thou hadst it not.

Not a penny. I've been happy, sir, to let you

borrow using my good name; three times I have

pestered my friends to get reprieves for you and your

fellow traveller Nym; otherwise you would be looking

through the bars of a cage, like a pair of baboons. I will

go to hell for swearing to these gentlemen, my friends, that you were

good soldiers and brave fellows; and when Mistress

Bridget lost her fan holder, I gave my word of honour

that you didn't have it.

PISTOL

Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?

Didn't you get a share of the profits? Didn't we give you fifteen pence?

FALSTAFF

Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll

endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more

about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife

and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.

You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you

stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable

baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the

terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself

sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand

and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to

shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,

will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain

looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your

bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your

honour! You will not do it, you!

Wasn't that deserved, you scoundrel? Do you think I'll

risk my soul for nothing? I'm telling you, don't try

to hang anything else on me; I am not your scaffold.

Go and pick pockets in a crowd, off to the slums!

You won't carry a letter for me, you scoundrel? You say

it's a question of honour? Why, you infinite

lowness, it's as much as I can do to keep

my own honour: even I sometimes have to

put away my fear of heaven and make my needs

more important than my honour; I have had to cheat,

scam and steal; and yet you, you scoundrel, protect

your rags, your cat's whiskers, your bar room

speech and your grating oaths under the

shield of honour?

PISTOL

I do relent: what would thou more of man?

Enter ROBIN

I give in: what more can you ask for?

ROBIN

Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

Sir, there's a woman here who wants to speak to you.

FALSTAFF

Let her approach.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

Send her in.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Give your worship good morrow.

Good day to your worship.

FALSTAFF

Good morrow, good wife.

Good day, good madam.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Not so, an't please your worship.

Not madam, if your worship doesn't mind.

FALSTAFF

Good maid, then.

Good miss, then.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I'll be sworn,

As my mother was, the first hour I was born.

I'll swear that I'm

as much of a maid as my mother was, the day I was born.

FALSTAFF

I do believe the swearer. What with me?

I'll believe you. What can I do for you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

Can I give your worship a word or two?

FALSTAFF

Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee

the hearing.

Two thousand, fair woman: and I will lend you

my ear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a

little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master

Doctor Caius,--

There is a woman called Mistress Ford, sir–please, come

a little closer:–I myself live with master

Doctor Caius.

FALSTAFF

Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--

Right, move on: Mistress Ford, you say–

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,

come a little nearer this ways.

That's right, your worship: please your worship,

come a little closer.

FALSTAFF

I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine

own people.

I promise you, nobody is listening; these are all

my own people.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

Are they indeed? May God bless them and take them into heaven!

FALSTAFF

Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?

Now then, Mistress Ford; what about her?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your

worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all

of us, I pray!

Well, sir, she is a good woman. Good Lord! Your

worship is a randy devil! Well, may heaven forgive you

and forgive all of us, I hope!

FALSTAFF

Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--

Mistress Ford; come on, about Mistress Ford–

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you

have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis

wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the

court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her

to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and

lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant

you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift

after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so

rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in

such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of

the best and the fairest, that would have won any

woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never

get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels

given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in

any such sort, as they say, but in the way of

honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get

her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of

them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which

is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

Well, this is the long and the short of it; you have

thrown her all into confusion.

The best of all the courtiers, when the court

was at Windsor, could never have got her in such a state.

There were knights, lords, and

gentlemen, in their coaches–I promise you,

coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift–

smelling so sweetly, all perfumed, and rustling, I

assure you, with silk and cloth of gold, speaking in such elegant

terms, with such honeyed words

that they would have won any woman's heart;

and, I promise you, they could never get so much as a wink

out of her; I was given twenty gold coins

this morning; not that I would let that sway me of course;

and I promise you, they could never get her to have so much

as a drink with them, even the greatest of them, and there have been

earls, and even better, pensioners, but

I promise you, they're all the same to her.

FALSTAFF

But what says she to me? be brief, my good

she-Mercury.

But what does she want to say to me? Be quick, my good

female Mercury.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which

she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you

to notify that her husband will be absence from his

house between ten and eleven.

Well, she got your letter, for which

she sends you a thousand thanks; and she wants you to know

that her husband will not be in his house

between ten and eleven.

FALSTAFF

Ten and eleven?

Ten and eleven?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the

picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,

her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet

woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very

jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with

him, good heart.

Yes, indeed; and at that time you can come and see

the picture that she says you know about: Master Ford,

her husband, will be away. Alas! The sweet woman

has a very poor life with him: he's a very

jealous man: she has a very turbulent life with

him, the good lady.

FALSTAFF

Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will

not fail her.

Ten and eleven. Woman, give  her my compliments; I will

not fail her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to

your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty

commendations to you too: and let me tell you in

your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and

one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor

evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the

other: and she bade me tell your worship that her

husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there

will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon

a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

Well said. But I have another message

for your worship: Mistress Page has also sent her warm

wishes to you; and let me whisper

to you, she's as good, polite and modest a wife,

who I can tell you never misses morning or evening prayers,

as any in Windsor, whomever you compare her

with; and she told me to tell your worship that her