The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (484 page)

God, it is a challenge: I will cut his throat in the

park; and I will teach a rotten ape of a priest

to stick his nose in. You may go; I don't want you

hanging around. By God, I will chop off his

parts; by God, he won't have enough left

to feed his dog.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

He is only speaking for his friend.

DOCTOR CAIUS

It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me

dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I

vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine

host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I

will myself have Anne Page.

That's not the problem: didn't you tell me

that I would have Anne Page for myself? By God,

I will kill that ape of a priest; and I have appointed

the landlord of the Garter to be my second. By God, I

will have Anne Page myself.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We

must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

Sir, the girl loves you, and everything will be all right.

We must allow people to talk, what the hell!

DOCTOR CAIUS

Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have

not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my

door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY

Rugby, come to the court with me. By God, if I do not

get Anne Page, I will throw you out.

Follow close behind, Rugby.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

You shall have An [exeunt Caius and Rugby] fool's-head of your own. No, I

know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor

knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more

than I do with her, I thank heaven.

You shall have An [Caius and Rugby leave] fool's–head of your own. No,

I know what Anne thinks about it: no woman in Windsor

knows more about Anne's feelings than I do; and nobody

has a greater influence on her, thank heavens.

FENTON

[Within] Who's within there? ho!

Hello! Is there anybody home?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.

Enter FENTON

Who's that, I wonder! Come up to the door, please.

FENTON

How now, good woman? how dost thou?

What's going on, good woman? How are you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

I'm all the better for a good man like you enquiring.

FENTON

What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

What's the news? How is pretty Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and

gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you

that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

To tell the truth, sir, she is pretty, and honest, and

gentle; and by the way I can tell you that she

likes you; I praise heaven for it.

FENTON

Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?

Do you think I will get anywhere? Won't my proposal be turned down?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but

notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a

book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart

above your eye?

To tell you the truth, sir, it's all in God's hands:

but nevertheless, Master Fenton, I'll swear on

the Bible, she loves you. Doesn't your worship have a wart

above his eye?

FENTON

Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

I certainly have; what about it?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such

another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever

broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I

shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But

indeed she is given too much to allicholy and

musing: but for you--well, go to.

Well, there's a story attached to that: my goodness,

she is such a woman, but I must say, as honest a girl

as ever broke bread: we talked for an hour about that wart.

That girl is the only one who can make me laugh! But

she is too inclined to depression and brooding:

except when thinking of you–well, there you go.

FENTON

Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money

for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if

thou seest her before me, commend me.

Well, I shall see her today. Wait, here's money

for you; please speak on my behalf: if

you see her before I do, praise me.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your

worship more of the wart the next time we have

confidence; and of other wooers.

Will I? I certainly shall; and I will tell your

worship more of what she says about the wart the next time

 we confer; and I'll tell you about her other suitors.

FENTON

Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

Good, goodbye; I'm in a great hurry now.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Farewell to your worship.

Exit FENTON

Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;

for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out

upon't! what have I forgot?

Exit

Farewell to your worship.

He's truly a good gentleman: but Anne does not love him;

I know Anne's mind as well as anybody else. Damnation!

What have I forgotten?

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter

MISTRESS PAGE

What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-

time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?

Let me see.

Reads

'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though

Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him

not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more

am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,

so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you

love sack, and so do I; would you desire better

sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at

the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--

that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis

not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,

Thine own true knight,

By day or night,

Or any kind of light,

With all his might

For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'

What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked

world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with

age to show himself a young gallant! What an

unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard

picked--with the devil's name!--out of my

conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?

Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What

should I say to him? I was then frugal of my

mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill

in the parliament for the putting down of men. How

shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,

as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

Enter MISTRESS FORD

What, I didn't get any love letters when my

beauty was at its height, and I get them now?

Let's have a look.

‘Don't ask me why I love you, for although love

uses reason as a guide, it does not use it as

a counsellor. You are not young, neither am I;

well then, there's a bond. You are jolly, so am I;

well then, there's another bond. You love sherry,

so do I; who could ask for a more perfect match?

Let it be enough for you, Mistress Page–at least, if the love

of a soldier is good enough–that I love you. I won't ask you

to pity me–that's not something soldiers say–but I say,

love me. Believe me to be,

your own true knight,

by day or night,

or any kind of light,

who will with all his might

for you fight,

John Falstaff.’

What Jewish Herod is this? What a wicked

world: someone who is falling apart with age

acts like a young buck! What unbalanced

impression has this Flemish drunkard got
–

in the name of the devil–from my conversation, that

he thinks he can make advances to me like this? Why, he hasn't

met me three times! What did he think I would say

to him? I was most reserved. Heaven forgive

me! Why, I'll put forward a bill in Parliament to have

men suppressed. How shall I retaliate?

For I will retaliate, as sure as he has

sausages for guts.

MISTRESS FORD

Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.

Mistress Page! Believe me, I was just going to your house.

MISTRESS PAGE

And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very