The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (502 page)

As in offence.

But let our plot go forward: let our wives

Yet once again, to make us public sport,

Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,

Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

Good, good; that's enough:

don't go as overboard in apologising

as you did in offending.

But let's get on with our plan: let our wives

once again, for everybody's fun,

arrange a meeting with this old fat fellow

where we can grab him and humiliate him for it.

FORD

There is no better way than that they spoke of.

There's no better plan than the one they mentioned.

PAGE

How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park

at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come.

That one? To send him word that they'll meet him in the park

at midnight? Hogwash! He'll never come.

SIR HUGH EVANS

You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has

been grievously peaten as an old 'oman: methinks

there should be terrors in him that he should not

come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have

no desires.

You say he has been thrown in the river and has

been severely beaten as an old woman: I think

he will be too frightened to come;

I think his flesh has been punished, his lust

will have died.

PAGE

So think I too.

I think so too.

MISTRESS FORD

Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,

And let us two devise to bring him thither.

You just plan what you'll do with him when he comes,

leave it to us to get him there.

MISTRESS PAGE

There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,

Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,

Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,

Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;

And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle

And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chain

In a most hideous and dreadful manner:

You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know

The superstitious idle-headed eld

Received and did deliver to our age

This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

There is an old story that Herne the Hunter,

who was once a gamekeeper in Windsor Forest,

in the winter, at the dead of midnight,

walks around an oak, with great shaggy horns;

he explodes trees and possesses the cattle

and makes the milk cows give blood and rattles a chain

in a most hideous and dreadful manner:

you have heard of this spirit, and you well know

that the superstitious weak minded people of olden times

swallowed this tale of Herne the Hunter and passed it

down to our times as being true.

PAGE

Why, yet there want not many that do fear

In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:

But what of this?

Well, there are still many who are scared

to walk past Herne's oak in the depths of night:

but so what?

MISTRESS FORD

Marry, this is our device;

That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

Well, this is our plan;

that Falstaff shall meet us at that oak.

PAGE

Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:

And in this shape when you have brought him thither,

What shall be done with him? what is your plot?

Well, let's assume that he does come:

what will you do with him once you've

got him there, dressed as Herne as you order? What's your plan?

MISTRESS PAGE

That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:

Nan Page my daughter and my little son

And three or four more of their growth we'll dress

Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,

With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,

And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden,

As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,

Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once

With some diffused song: upon their sight,

We two in great amazedness will fly:

Then let them all encircle him about

And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,

And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,

In their so sacred paths he dares to tread

In shape profane.

We've thought of that as well, it's this:

Nan Page my daughter and my little son

and three or four more of their size we'll dress up

as urchins, elves and fairies, green and white,

with stubs of wax candles on their heads

and rattles in their hands: all of a sudden,

just as she and I meet Falstaff,

let them jump out of a hollow

singing some wild song; seeing them,

we two shall run away in fear;

then let them circle round him,

and pinch the dirty knight like fairies do,

and ask him why he dares to

walk upon their sacred paths in their

festival time, in such an unholy shape.

MISTRESS FORD

And till he tell the truth,

Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound

And burn him with their tapers.

And until he tells the truth,

let the pretend fairies pinch him hard

and burn him with their candles.

MISTRESS PAGE

The truth being known,

We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,

And mock him home to Windsor.

Once he's told the truth,

we'll all show ourselves, take off his horns,

and make fun of him all the way home to Windsor.

FORD

The children must

Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.

The children must be well drilled

in this, or they'll never get it right.

SIR HUGH EVANS

I will teach the children their behaviors; and I

will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the

knight with my taber.

I will teach the children what to do; and I

will dress up as an evil spirit too, so I can burn

the knight with my candle.

FORD

That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them vizards.

That will do nicely. I'll go and buy them masks.

MISTRESS PAGE

My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,

Finely attired in a robe of white.

My Nan shall be the Queen of the fairies,

beautifully dressed in a white robe.

PAGE

That silk will I go buy.

Aside

And in that time

Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away

And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.

I will go and buy the silk for it.

And while I'm doing so

Master Slender will steal my Nan away

and marry her at Eton. Go and send for Falstaff at once.

FORD

Nay I'll to him again in name of Brook

He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come.

I'll go to him again disguised as Brook,

he'll tell me all his plans: he'll definitely come.

MISTRESS PAGE

Fear not you that. Go get us properties

And tricking for our fairies.

Don't you worry about that. Go and get us props

and costumes for our fairies.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery

honest knaveries.

Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS

Let's do it: it's great fun and very

honest trickery.

MISTRESS PAGE

Go, Mistress Ford,

Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.

Exit MISTRESS FORD

I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will,

And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.

That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;

And he my husband best of all affects.

The doctor is well money'd, and his friends

Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,

Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

Exit

Go, Mistress Ford,

send a message to Sir John at once, to see what he's thinking.

I'll write to the doctor: he's the one I favour,

no one but him, to marry Nan Page.

That Slender, though he has plenty of property, is an idiot;

he's the one my husband favours most of all.

The doctor is rich, and his friends

are influential at court: he, and no other, shall have her,

even if twenty thousand better men came to ask for her.

Enter Host and SIMPLE

Host

What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?

speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

What do you want, you cad? What, you clod?

Come on, spit it out and make it snappy.

SIMPLE

Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff

from Master Slender.

Why, sir, I have come from Master Slender to speak with

Sir John Falstaff.

Host

There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his

standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about

with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go

knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian

unto thee: knock, I say.

There's his bedroom, his house, his castle, his

main bed and daybed; the hangings are all painted

with the story of the prodigal son, freshly done.

You go and knock and call for him; he'll treat you

like a cannibal: go on, knock.

SIMPLE

There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his

chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come