The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear (19 page)

In April 2005, many Americans and the world heard the story of the “runaway bride,” Jennifer Wilbanks. The thirty-two-year-old Duluth, Georgia, resident disappeared just days before her 600-guest wedding was to take place. Her family and fiancé, certain she had been kidnapped, pleaded for her safe return and the missing bride became a national story for the major news media.

When she turned up alive and okay on the other side of the country, joy that she’d been found quickly turned into confusion and anger as the truth revealed that Wilbanks hadn’t been kidnapped but left because of wedding day jitters. An Associated Press story reported that the bride-to-be ran because of “certain fears” that controlled her life.
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Most of us would probably say “well, she should have talked to her fiancé instead of running away.” Or at the very least, she should have sought counsel from her pastor or a family member. But how many of us easily confront our fears? Isn’t it easier just to ignore something and not deal with it? You may not have ever physically run away like Wilbanks, but I bet emotionally there are things you’re running from. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder trying to keep whatever you’re afraid of from catching up with you.

Confrontation is extremely difficult for many people, but it must be done unless we want other people and other things to control our lives. Did you ever play freeze tag when you were a kid? Whoever you were running from ultimately had control over you because if they ever tagged you, you were instantly frozen, stopped in your tracks. That’s the way fear works. What we run from or hide from has power over us.

As I said previously, it’s also important to remember that what we hide in the darkness has to be brought into the light if we’re going to get rid of it. Go into a completely dark room and switch on the light. What happens? The darkness is swallowed up. That is the way God and His Word work in our lives. When we do what God’s Word tells us to do, those fears that try to torment us are swallowed up. They’re gone and they have no power over you.

God’s Word is pretty clear on this point: we are not to fear. Isaiah 41:10 says “Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God.” Notice that He doesn’t say that we are never to feel fear, but He does say we shouldn’t allow fear to control us and steal our destiny.

The Fear monster acts much bigger and tougher than it actually is. That’s because fear depends on being able to deceive people. Once a person realizes they can “feel the fear and do it anyway,” they are free.

Satan loves causing people to dread and avoid confronting unpleasant issues because he knows that he loses power when his lies are confronted. Think about all of those generations of people in the story I just told who lived their entire lives afraid of something that was actually small enough to be held in one hand. Until someone was brave enough to confront it, someone who refused to run, that little runt of a monster held people tight, leaving them essentially frozen. Even though a lie is not true, it becomes reality for the person who believes it. Don’t believe the lies Satan tries to deceive you with.

How I wish I had a magic wand I could wave or a prayer I could say that would end fear in your life once and for all. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. Prayer does give us the strength to stand against fear, but for us to overcome and be conquerors like God intends us to be, we must have something to overcome and conquer! You would never expect to run three miles without first learning to run one. It’s the same way with prayer. God wants us to stretch our faith muscles and stand against fear. He wants us to say “No! Fear is not going to rule in my life.” As we learn to use prayer to confront and combat the small fears, He’ll help us learn to tackle the bigger fears too.

Don’t let fear freeze you into paralysis. Hannah Hurnard, author of
Hinds’ Feet on High Places,
was once paralyzed by fear. Then she heard a sermon on scarecrows that challenged her to turn her fear into faith.

The preacher said, “A wise bird knows that a scarecrow is simply an advertisement. It announces that some very juicy and delicious fruit is to be had for the picking. There are scarecrows in all the best gardens . . . If I am wise, I too shall treat the scarecrow as though it were an invitation. Every giant in the way which makes me feel like a grasshopper is only a scarecrow beckoning me to God’s richest blessings.” He concluded, “Faith is a bird which loves to perch on scarecrows. All our fears are groundless.”
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Have you ever gotten together with a friend to make dinner for your families, or maybe for another family who could use the meal? Maybe she was responsible for the main dish and you fixed the sides. However you assigned the work, each of you had a specific part and together, you completed what needed to be done.

When we do our part, praying and stretching our spiritual muscles as we take these steps of faith, God always does His part, making seemingly impossible things possible.

When it comes to life, we need to remember that God is our partner and realize that He has a part and we have a part. When we do our part, praying and stretching our spiritual muscles as we take these steps of faith, God always does His part, making seemingly impossible things possible. Maybe you’ve had so much fear in your life for so long that right now, you can’t see how you can ever be free from it. I promise you—each time you confront fear, it becomes smaller and smaller. Eventually, it will completely lose its power over you.

I hate fear and what it does to people. It makes us withdraw; it makes us retreat. It eats away at our confidence and our self-assurance until all that’s left is a skeleton of what there was. But it doesn’t have to be that way! I have experienced a lot of fear in my own life and I know it takes a lot of courage to face what you fear the most. But, if I can do it so can you! A wise man once said “Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it.” God’s promises are not for a specially selected few people, they are for everyone. If God can help anyone at all, then He can help you and He can help you face your fears. God’s promises offer hope and an opportunity for a new life for you. A life lived boldly and aggressively instead of by fear and uncertainty.

One of the most confident women we find in the Bible is Esther and her story of rescuing her people from certain death at the hands of an evil and hateful man. Though her beauty didn’t hurt, it was her character and quiet confidence that helped her find favor with the king, Xerxes. She took great risk when she made her way to Xerxes’ inner court uninvited. But God honored her and the prayers that the other Jews were praying, and Xerxes received her warmly. In the end, Esther saved her people from perishing.

Confidence is holding on to a strong faith in God, a faith that is backed up with a complete knowledge and understanding that with God’s help you can do anything. Fear brings a lack of confidence in God and in you. It is a destructive, debilitating belief that you can’t. As a woman, you can do amazing things, but you will have to become confident. Replace your fears with confidence and watch what God can do!

I don’t think anyone enjoys confrontation or looks forward to it. It is certainly not my favorite thing to do. Most of us don’t like to rock the boat and make waves, but I can assure you that taking the steps of whatever you need to do in order to enjoy a life of freedom is definitely not as difficult as staying in bondage for the rest of your life. You have to care enough about yourself and your loved ones to confront fear and start being the person you have always wanted to be. Do it, even if you have to “do it afraid.”

I have told this story in other books I have written but it bears repeating in this one. There was a woman we will call Joy who literally lived her entire life as far as she could remember in fear. It controlled her. She would not drive a car. She would not go out at night. She was afraid of meeting new people. She was afraid of crowds, new things, airplanes, failure and just about anything else one could imagine. Her name was Joy but she certainly never experienced any because her fears entrapped and tormented her. She so desperately wanted to be brave and courageous. She wanted to have an exciting life and be adventurous but her dreams were constantly squelched by her fears.

Joy was a Christian and one day was lamenting her woes once again to her longtime Christian friend Debbie. Debbie had heard it all many times but this time she responded in a way that shocked Joy. Debbie looked her friend right in the eyes and said forcefully, “Well, why don’t you just do it afraid.” What a powerful truth! This was the beginning of a new life for Joy because for the first time she saw fear for what it was. Fear was never going to just evaporate from her life. It had been a stronghold for too long and its roots were too deep. Joy had to confront it by simply moving ahead and doing what she wanted to do even if she did it feeling afraid.

Fear means to run away from or to take flight, but confrontation means to face something head-on. Sometimes those confrontations require us to face ourselves—maybe we’re fearful of failure or fearful of success. Sometimes the fears or concerns you have will require confronting someone else; maybe a parent or a husband, even a child.

David Augsburger, in his book,
Caring Enough to Confront,
suggests ways you can word things that express your thoughts while at the same time showing that you care about the other person.
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Two explorers were on a jungle safari when suddenly a ferocious lion jumped in front of them. “Keep calm,” the first explorer whispered. “Remember what we read in that book on wild animals? If you stand perfectly still and look the lion in the eye, he will turn and run.” “Sure,” replied his companion. “You’ve read the book, and I’ve read the book. But has the lion read the book?”

When we decide whether or not to face a situation or to run from it there are many things that go through our mind; we think that there is less risk of us being hurt or someone else being hurt or maybe we simply don’t want to take the time to deal with something. Just remember, though, if you run you will have to keep running.

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden the first thing they did was run away and try to hide from the Presence of God. They tried to cover up their nakedness with fig leaves. It didn’t work for them and it won’t work for us either. God had to intervene with a plan for their redemption and He has one for us.

Take a look at Ephesians 6 in God’s Word to His people and notice what battle armor He provides us with. He tells us to stand firm with a belt of truth, a breastplate of righteousness, shoes of the gospel of peace, a shield of faith, a helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit. Notice anything missing? There’s nothing provided to protect our backside! That’s because God never intended us to run from our enemies. His plan was and still is that with Him at our side we confront any issue in our life that is a problem. People are so skilled at not facing real issues and they’re even better at trying to cover them up by living make-believe lives and inventing false personalities. It is time to take a stand and confront fear!

God never intended us to run from our enemies. His plan was and still is that with Him at our side we confront any issue in our life that is a problem.

A woman attended one of my conferences and testified that it was the first time she had gone out of her home in thirty-five years. As we interviewed her and got more of her story we were even more amazed. As a child, she was abused, and although she did get married and have children of her own she decided that life would be safer for her if she stayed inside where no one could hurt her. She managed different ways of getting the things she needed and with the invention of computers it became much easier for her to be a recluse. She ordered over the Internet and communicated by mail and telephone.
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Eventually, she started watching my daily television program and discovered from my testimony that I had also been sexually abused by my father. She decided if I could get up in front of thousands of people and speak boldly that the least she could do was go out of her house. She made the decision to come to my conference and she did, and though she was shaky and very nervous, she was there. That was the first step for her in confronting her fear. She did something afraid. She had a long way to go, but no one can drive a parked car. She had to take one step before she could take two. I hope her story encourages you and motivates you to begin your own journey of breaking free from fear and start moving toward becoming the confident woman that you want to be.

Life changed greatly for me when I finally understood that to fear meant to run from or take flight. I now understand that even if I am shaking as a result of fear that I am not behaving cowardly as long as I keep pressing forward to do whatever it is the fear is trying to get me not to do.

The way to develop confidence is to do the thing you fear, and get a record of successful experiences behind you. Henry Ford said, “One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.”
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Dave and I recently saw a humorous but informative example of how fear makes one want to run and hide. We have a seven-pound dog who is a Maltese, and she is very white and fluffy. Her name is Duchess, and of course she is just as cute as she can be. Duchess has never liked getting a bath and since she was a puppy, whenever she realizes she is about to get bathed, she starts to shake and runs off to another part of the house and hides. As she got older, she seemed to get over it and was less fearful about it.

But then one summer we were staying at a condo someone let us use and when Duchess heard the word bath and saw me getting out her shampoo and other supplies that I normally use for it, she disappeared. When I finally found her, she was shaking and hiding in another room. At first I didn’t know what was wrong with her because she hadn’t acted afraid of baths for a while. But then I realized it was the bath and she was afraid because she was in a new situation and a new place.

Even animals respond to fear by running and hiding. They live by instinct and will always respond to those instincts, but thank God we live by making wise choices according to our knowledge of God’s Word. His Word says not to give into fear and with help from His Spirit, we can make the right choice.