Authors: Lillianna Blake
Single Wide Female in Love
Copyright © 2015 Lillianna Blake
Cover design by
Beetiful Book Covers
All rights reserved.
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“I’ve never been so in love.”
“Looking into your eyes is like looking into the heavens.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!”
I chugged down the remainder of my wine. After eavesdropping on the couple at the next table, I felt even more uncomfortable sitting alone at my own. Max had invited me to dinner, but he was late.
To distract myself, I reached into my purse and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I glanced around to be sure no one was paying attention before unfolding it—although it really wasn’t a huge secret as I’d been blogging about my list for months now.
My life had been turned upside down—and not in a bad way—the moment I’d decided to create a bucket list. It was a list of things I longed to experience but hadn’t because of my weight. It inspired me to remain focused on my weight loss as I checked off each item.
I needed that inspiration again. As I read over the list, my eyes lingered on a smudged spot where an item was erased.
I remembered writing it. I also remembered erasing it. Max and I were best friends. That was all we would ever be, no matter how madly in love I was with him. I needed to find a way to accept that. So I’d erased the item from my list.
As I sat in the crowded restaurant filled with people who all appeared to be in love, I made another decision. It was my bucket list, and if I wanted Max to be on it, then he would be. I pulled a pencil out of my purse and scribbled the item back on the list, smiling as I did so.
I doodled a little set of kissy lips beside the note. Maybe Max would never love me the way I loved him, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t share one single amazing mind-blowing over-the-moon heart-melting kiss!
His touch on my shoulder made me jump out of my chair. I grabbed the paper so fast that I knocked over my wine glass. Luckily, it was already empty. Max set the glass upright and laughed as he sat down across from me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you, Sammy.”
“It’s okay. I guess I was just lost in my thoughts.”
“What were you thinking about?” He gazed across the table at me.
I ducked my head to hide the heat in my cheeks.
“Oh, just what to order for dessert.”
I eyed the dessert cart as it rolled past. I had to wonder who ever thought up the idea of the cart. How was it deemed a good idea to pile a cart up with every delicious dessert in the restaurant and then roll it tauntingly past the patrons? I found it hard to believe that there was a single person in the restaurant who did not want to devour the entire thing. I knew for certain that I did.
I forced my eyes away from the decadent desserts and settled them on something just as tempting. Max. He looked even more handsome than usual in a suit jacket and tie.
“I asked how the book was coming?”
“Oh, no. We don’t talk about that at the table.” I picked up my glass of water and took a sip to mask an anxious grimace. Ever since I’d decided to become a writer full-time, my progress was asked about by everyone.
Max laughed. “Okay, sorry. I just thought maybe that’s why you’re so quiet tonight.”
“Am I quiet?”
“Yes. If there’s one thing I can always count on with you, it’s a good conversation. But you seem a little distracted.”
“Don’t be. I just want in on what’s going on in that creative mind of yours.”
For just a moment I was distracted by creative thoughts about Max. Max without his shirt on, Max with those perfect lips headed for mine, Max…
I winced as I realized from Max’s stunned expression that I’d spoken out loud.
“Okay. You don’t have to tell me.” He furrowed a brow and looked down at his food.
I took a breath and tried to focus. My new goal in life was not to want the things I couldn’t have. Max was something I could never have. Maybe a single kiss, but certainly not a lifetime.
“What I meant was that you don’t really want to know.” I did my best to laugh off my behavior.
“Sure I do.” Max met my eyes. “Out with it. Sammy.”
I smiled. It warmed my heart to have a friend like Max who knew just how to get the truth out of me.
“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“I can handle it.”
“I’ve decided that I’m going to fall in love.”
“Oh?” Max stared at me. His lips twitched at the corners.
I thought he was going to laugh. Instead he picked up his drink.
“Yes. It’s been long enough. It’s time that I experience true love.” I watched as he set his glass back down without taking a sip.
“Do you have anyone in mind? Taking things to the next level with Greg?”
I shook my head. I’d really tried to make things work with Greg, the guy that I’d been seeing for awhile, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t kid myself. The spark just wasn’t there, and I wanted the spark. I turned my thoughts back to Max’s question. “No, things aren’t going to work out with Greg, but—well, there is one person.”
“Ah, that guy—what’s his name? Green or fuchsia or something?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Blue.” I laughed. Max had a sparkle in his eyes as he teased me. “Actually, his name is Matt.”
“Matt.” Max shook his head. “So how do you propose to make yourself fall in love with Matt?”
“I don’t have to make myself.” My lips curved into a dreamy smile. “That part is easy. I just have to make him fall in love with me.”
Max reached across the table and took my hand. “Anyone would fall in love with you, Sammy.”
Anyone but you.
For a moment I wondered if I’d actually made the statement out loud.
Max let go of my hand and sat back in his chair.
“Thanks, Max. But I don’t think it’s that simple. I mean, I don’t want to wait anymore. Either he falls in love with me, or I find someone else to fall in love with. I’m ready now. I want that next stage in my life. I write about romance, but how can I write about true love if I’ve never experienced it?”
“I think it’s great that you want to be in love. But it’s not something that can be forced, is it? It has to be with the right person.”
“I agree. How can I ever meet the right person if I’m pinning my hopes on the wrong one?”
I glanced over at a couple seated not far from us. They looked just like Max and me. Both engaged in conversation. Both too occupied to eat their food. Both smiling and laughing. But the other couple wore wedding rings. I loved Max. I valued him as my best friend and the most important person in my life. But I wanted more than a good conversation. I wanted a conversation that didn’t end.
“Give him a chance.”
I looked back at Max and realized I had missed most of what he said.
“I’m going to. But I’m not going to wait forever. Either he’s ready, or he’s not.” I heard the determination in my own voice. It was nice to be so set on a decision. In the past I’d let the desires of others dictate my choices. Now I was ready to make my own decisions based on my needs.
“And if he’s not?”
“Then he’s not the right person. I am not going to be strung along.” I picked at the last of my food. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few months it’s that if I don’t make something happen it’s not going to happen. As long as I sit here waiting for love, love isn’t going to show up. I need to get out there and find it. If it’s not with Blue, then it’s not.”
“I’m surprised by that. If you feel so strongly for this person, why won’t you be patient?”
Max’s tone was a little cross. I looked up at him.
“How patient can I be?” I raised an eyebrow. “He’s had plenty of time to make a move—to make it clear to me that he cares for me the way I care for him. Is this some kind of male pride thing—to see how long a woman will twirl in the wind waiting?”
“That’s not fair.” Max grinned. “Though it is a funny image. I just mean, maybe he has a good reason. Maybe he’s shy.”
“Fine, I get that. I’ve been shy. I’ve wanted to hide from the world and never be seen for fear of being judged. But, if he can’t see that I accept him no matter what, then we don’t have the kind of connection that I thought we did.”
“So you’d give up on him?”
“Whose side are you on?” I laughed.
“Sorry. I guess I just haven’t heard you talk about someone like this before. So tell me more about this guy. What is it that you like so much about him?” Max turned his attention to his food.
I considered the question. I hadn’t made a list of all of the things I liked about Blue. I just knew that I did.
“He gets me.” I shrugged. “He’s so supportive and understanding. He likes the way that I think and I like the way that he thinks.”
“But you have no idea what he looks like. He could be anyone.”
“Sure. But does it really matter how someone looks? I could be sitting across from the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on, but that doesn’t mean he’s the one for me.” I did my best to hide the truth in my words. “I think that attraction doesn’t matter as much as connection. Have you ever considered that you could connect with someone that you weren’t necessarily attracted to?”
“Of course.” He took a bite of his food.
It seemed to me that it was a well-planned bite to avoid saying more.