The Dating Game (15 page)

Oh Madison, my Madison

Oh my pretty Markawitz

Your beauty makes me bark-owitz

I want to see you stark-owitz

Naked
.

My Madisonl My Markowitzl

“It sucks,” Madison said.

“Well, it may not be Shakespeare,” Lina said. “But the feeling behind it—” She stopped. There was no denying it, it sucked. “It’s still exciting,” she said. “Somebody is crazy about you! And he’s declaring his love in public—right here on the library bulletin board!”

“What if it’s a joke?” Madison said.

“Who would go to so much trouble just to play a joke on you?” Holly said. “I mean, rhyming and everything. He could have saved himself a lot of hassle by using free verse.”

“I think it’s very romantic,” Lina said.

“Who do you think Paco is?” Mads said. Lina and Holly shrugged.

“Maybe it’s time for you to find out,” Holly said.

“But if Sean didn’t write this, I don’t care who did,” Mads said.

“Mads, even if it’s not Sean, it’s a guy who likes you,” Lina said. “And Sean might hear about it, or see you together—”

“Guys like girls that other guys like,” Holly added. “They’re like sheep that way.”

“You’re right,” Mads said. “Maybe I should give this Paco a try. What’s the worst that could happen?”

On this point, Holly and Lina kept their thoughts to themselves.

14

The Poetry Flows

To:     linaonme

From: Your daily horoscope

HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CANCER: You are this close to going over the edge. Wave to me on the way down, will you?

L
ina kind of wished “Paco” hadn’t written that poem for Mads—it made her question the wisdom of her latest secret plan.

She hadn’t meant to do it. But she was up late one night, and she found herself writing a poem. It was a good poem, too. Just as good as anything Ramona and her friends wrote. There was no reason why it shouldn’t be published, and the best place for it was
Inchworm
.

There was an established submission procedure for
Inchworm
: You were supposed to leave your work in the box outside the journal’s office. Lina had seen Dan empty the submission box several times before. He probably made comments on the submissions and passed them on to the editors, Carrie and Ramona.

But Lina’s poem wasn’t meant for their eyes. It was meant for Dan only. Surely he would see that as soon as he read it. He would also see Lina’s literary genius, that her voice was a gift to the world of poetry. A gift he must help her nurture and grow. At first, student and teacher would be united only by their love of the written word. But gradually, as the student blossomed into an irresistible young poetess, he would realize that love had blossomed, too. A love that transcended the boundaries of age differences, school rules, parental horror, and political correctness. A love for the ages.

And this poem was the beginning of it all.

Pedantry

I stand before you, waiting
,

lost

out of balance, like a

violet plucked from the dewy grass too

early
.

Don’t leave before the petals fall

a moment too soon or too late makes all the difference

now
.

Lina reread the poem with satisfaction. She knew she had gone a little overboard on Dan—that was why she couldn’t share her real feelings with her friends. Maybe it was okay for Mads to go crazy over Sean, but this was different, more dangerous. And Holly always seemed so levelheaded. It shamed Lina. She was reluctant to reveal how unsensible she could be.

She folded up the poem and sealed it in an envelope. On the envelope she wrote
To Dan Shulman. Inchworm Poetry Submission
. Then she dropped it in the box to await its fate.

hollygolitely: any responses to your personal ad yet, mads?

mad4u: not really, one girl wrote offering to make over my makeover. Sebastiano made kissing noises at me today. I guess he thinks my picture is funny.

Holly sat in her room Tuesday night, not doing her Modern World History homework. As good a time as any to take an IM break with Mads.

hollygolitely: basti likes to tease
.

mad4u: A few boys sent jokey answers, but no serious ones. Unless you count paco
.

hollygolitely: paco answered your ad?

mad4u: ya. Wants to go out with me
.

hollygolitely: and?

mad4u: guess I will, it’s time to find out who this sucker is
.

flappie: hey holly, whatcha doing? It’s me, Rob
.

hollygolitely: mads, rob just im’ed me! I’ll get back to you
.

mad4u: right on
.

hollygolitely: hi rob. Just goofing off. where’d you get your screen name?

flappie: stupid, isn’t it? my dad calls me that when I make pancakes. Flapjacks. Cause I’m good at flipping them. I just didn’t know what to pick for a screen name
.

hollygolitely: I like it. Pancakes are a good thing
.

flappie: so how’s the ihd project going? any juicy stuff?

hollygolitely: plenty. Did you know there’s a boy in our school whose most embarrassing moment was when his stepsister put permanent green dye in his bathing suit? He said he was green down there for weeks, and the guys on his swim team started calling him alien butt
.

flappie: I think I know who that was. Is he a junior?

hollygolitely: yeah. But I think he’d like to remain anonymous
.

flappie: Well, Just wanted to check in. better get back to the civil war. Wait—one more thing. Do you have a date for the winter dance yet?

hollygolitely: no. do you?

flappie: no. want to be my date?

hollygolitely: ok. Sounds good
.

flappie: great. We’ll talk later
.

hollygolitely: q-1. bye
.

flappie: c-u
.

Holly screamed with excitement. Rob asked her to the dance! It was a very good sign. Maybe her Boobmeister phase was coming to an end at last. Most boys didn’t ask the school slut to a dance.

She logged off and tried to study her history textbook. World War I. Was she crazy? How could she study at a time like this? She logged back on and IM’ed Mads and Lina.

hollygolitely: stop what u’r doing right now. rob asked me to the winter dance!

linaonme: x-l-ent!

mad4u: u r so lucky

linaonme: bet jake will be jealous
.

hollygolitely: guess what? I don’t care!

mad4u: u r right. Rob’s way cooler
.

hollygolitely: mads, did u write paco yet?

mad4u: negatory
.

linaonme: write him! maybe he can be YOUR date for the dance!

mad4u: what about u, lina?

linaonme: don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine
.

To: paco

From: mad4u

Re: my ad

Okay. I give in. Who are you? I am ready to meet you and learn your identity
.

To: Mad4u

From: paco

Re: excellent!

You have made me the happiest guy in the world! But you must be patient. Soon I will leave you a clue to my identity. Until then, truly it is I who is made-4-u
.

Mads slapped her keyboard in frustration. She couldn’t believe it! He wouldn’t tell her who he was? He was leaving her a clue? She wanted to know right then and there, so she could research him before she had to look him in the face. Make sure he was Mads material. Because she had a funny feeling that anybody who was this crazy about her had to have something wrong with him.

Dear Lina
,

Thank you for your recent submission to Inchworm. Unfortunately, your work does not suit our needs at this time. Please feel free to submit any other work you may have in the future
.

Sincerely
,

The Editors

Inchworm, The Literary Journal of RSAGE

Lina’s heart sank as she read the rejection letter. How could they? At the very least her poem was no worse than the usual drivel they published. Did Ramona intercept the envelope and open it herself, even though it was addressed to Dan? Did Dan ever see the poem?

Underneath the printed letter was a hand-scrawled note.

Lina—Your poem isn’t a total loss. We might reconsider it if you’d be willing to revise it. Carrie, siobhan, and I thought your work was too flowery and suffered from a lack of rawness. You could try adding more religious and death imagery, such as rivers of blood, serpents, gates of hell, and ritual disembowelment. Or you could go in another direction completely. Here’s one suggestion for how your poem might read
:

Girl

I know what you’re trying to do with your Violets in the grass and Everything but it’s Useless. Listen, I’m only trying to hell

p

of course, this only a suggestion—one editor’s opinion—and you should feel free to stick to your own vision, however pathetic
.

Ramona

p.s The Dan shulman Cult (DSC) meets every
Friday in our clubhouse (my room). We have a small museum of Dan memorabilia—used coffee cups, graded papers, and so on. You are cordially invited to attend the next meeting this Friday. I’ll assume you don’t have a date.—RF

Lina angrily crumpled up the note. Ramona thought she was so smart! It was obviously her one defense against being a total misfit loser.

Ramona couldn’t stop Lina so easily. She might be able to intercept Dan’s private mail at school, but she couldn’t do it at home. Actually, Lina wouldn’t put it past her—it would be just like Ramona to cast a spell on the U.S. Postal Service to make sure Lina’s mail got lost.

Lina wouldn’t take any chances. She’d deliver the poem to Dan herself. In person. By hand. Just to make sure he got it. And to keep Ramona out of it, she’d deliver it to him at home.

Lina told herself this was in the service of literary justice. All she wanted was for the faculty advisor of
Inchworm
to see her poem. For her poem to have a fair shot at publication. That’s all. That was the only reason she was going to Dan’s house. It made perfect sense to Lina. If she didn’t think about it too hard.

15

Paco Revealed

To:     mad4u

From: Your daily horoscope

HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: VIRGO: You will confront an inscrutable mystery today. And that mystery is: What did you do to deserve this?

Madison
,

The time has come at last. Meet me in the at room after school today and you will finally learn the true identity of the one who love you more than beef burritos, cheez doodles, at life itself
.

—
paco

Thursday morning, 8:30 AM. Mads tore the note off her locker and read it again. The handwriting was boyish and messy—it didn’t go with the flowery words at all. Maybe that was a good thing.

The day slogged by, each minute seeming to drag like an hour. Geometry, Mads’ most hated and tortured subject, was last period that day. Ms. Mildred Weymouth, her Geometry teacher, was a stout, perfectly nice lady in her sixties with a glass eye and a voice that could put a hyperactive kid into a coma. That was why they called her “Sleep-eez,” when they didn’t call her “Mildew.”

At last, at last, the final bell rang. Mads dumped her books in her locker and checked her face and hair in the mirror she kept taped inside the door. She’d decided to go easy on the makeup, since some of the kids were calling her “raccoon eyes” after they saw her personal ad photo.

Okay. Time to meet her fate.

She walked up to the third floor. The art room was lodged in an attic space on top of the school, with skylights and windows that looked out over the town.

Mads stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath.
Please, Paco, be someone cool
, she prayed. She opened the door and stepped into the room. It was empty, except for lots of artwork, obviously, and Yucky Gilbert.

What was he doing there? Paco would be there any minute now, and she didn’t want Gilbert around yucking things up.

“Hi, Madison,” Gilbert said.

“Hi, Gilbert,” Mads said. “What are you doing here? I’m meeting someone.”

“I know,” Gilbert said. “You’re meeting me.”

Again?
Mads’ brain fought against the obvious conclusion. The last person she wanted to see was Gilbert. She was most emphatically
not
there to meet him. But her heart sank as she realized that
be
was there to see
her
. Again.

He stood up and walked slowly toward her, dressed in a pair of brown plaid pants that were too small for him. His long legs poked out of the pants like toothpicks.

“I’m ‘Paco,’” Gilbert explained.

Mads clutched at a chair and sat down. “No,” she gasped. “You can’t be Paco. You already filled out a questionnaire. You’re ‘John’!”

“I’m Paco
and
John,” Gilbert said. “I filled out two questionnaires, using different screen names. I wanted to make sure I was matched up with you somehow. I figured if I put my name in the hat twice, it would double my chances. Are you surprised?”

Damn right she was surprised. It had never occurred to her that Gilbert would use two different names. She thought she’d disposed of him when she got rid of “John.” Now it turned out he was like a self-replicating mutant, or a robot who multiplies and comes back stronger every time you try to destroy it.