The Day He Kissed Her (28 page)

When Mac spoke, she jumped, though his voice was low. He didn’t raise it or infuse it with any of the anger she’d glimpsed in his eyes. It was as if nothing colored his words…they were just words—a means for more information.

“How can you be pregnant?”

A heartbeat passed as she continued to watch the dog.

And then another.

When she knew she could speak without losing her mind, she moistened her lips. “I’m assuming you had the birds and the bees talk at some point in your life?”

“Don’t be flippant with me. Don’t you dare. Not now. Not after everything.”

His voice was closer, and she knew he’d climbed the stairs and had joined her on the porch. She felt him, there at her back, so close that her skin was seared from his heat. So close that his scent washed over her. And yet she was cold.

Her teeth chattered. She was freezing cold.

Gibson jumped straight up into the air, his paws swinging at something, and with a yelp, he rolled over on the ground, his tail wagging madly as whatever it was he’d been hunting was finally within his grasp.

“Lily.”

Again with the monotone. Christ, she hated that flat sound. She would rather hear his anger, feel the wrath of it…feel something,
anything
, that would show her she meant something more than the mistake inside her.

“The shower,” she said softly as she closed her eyes. If she tried real hard, she was sure she could feel the warm water on her skin, his hard, wet body against hers.

“The shower,” he repeated.

He waited a heartbeat, and she knew that he remembered. “But I…I stopped…I…”

She shook her head. “No, Mackenzie. You didn’t. Not in time.”

Another heartbeat passed and her eyes remained closed tight.

“Are you sure?” he bit out.

She nodded. “Since I’m never late, I bought a test yesterday, one that can detect pregnancy within days, and it was positive.”

“But Jesus…aren’t you on the pill? Christ, I thought you said you were.”

“I haven’t been with anyone in a long time, and there was no need for the pill, but yes, I went to see the doctor, and I was waiting to start this month.”

“Fuck.”

His heat vanished from her skin, and she heard him step away. Already the pain inside her was spiraling up, expanding and infiltrating her cells. She knew she couldn’t hold off the onslaught of emotion much longer.

“I don’t want you to have it.”

Her eyes flew open, and it took a few seconds for her to collect herself, to put in place the familiar mask she hadn’t needed in so long. It slipped over her skin like an old friend, and she exhaled as she slowly turned around.

Mac glared at her with something that made her gut clench. Lily felt the wobble in her knees, but she kept her chin raised and her eyes focused. There was no way in hell she was going to let him know how much his words cut her. There would be time to fall apart later when she was alone.

“I told you.” He raked his hands through his long, blond hair. “I told you when we started this…thing between us that kids…that family…none of that was going to happen. I told you that I didn’t want that.” He shook his head, shoulders raised. “
You
didn’t want that.”

I
do
now.
The thought whispered through her mind like a secret, and it bled into every part of her.

Mac was angry, but there was something else there…something bleak and painful and dark. She thought of the scene the night before with his father. She thought of the ugliness and pain, and she knew in that moment that Mackenzie Draper was never going to change. Not for himself. Not for her.

And definitely not for a baby he didn’t want.

Pain crept into her heart, and it took everything that Lily had to keep her shit together, to not lose herself to the sadness inside and fall apart in front of him. He could never know…

He could never know how much she loved him, because he could never know how painful it felt to know that she wasn’t enough to fix him.

“Jesus, Lily, I’m sorry.” He shook his head, that beautiful mouth of his drawn tight, his eyes tortured. “Lily, I can’t…”

“I know,” she answered softly. “I know.” She paused, searching for the right words. Even now, hurting like she was, she still wanted to ease his pain. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to change my mind. That doesn’t mean that I don’t already feel something for this baby.”

Mac shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and began to pace the length of the porch.

“I don’t believe this,” he said harshly. “In this day and age…we’re two smart, responsible adults and you’re pregnant. Un-fucking-real.”

His tone grew more dangerous, and Lily’s hackles were up when he turned on her. His eyes fell from hers, traveling down her body until he rested on her stomach, there where her hands laid in a protective manner. It was then that it hit her. He blamed her. He blamed her for everything.

Pride kept her head up. “I didn’t have to tell you, you know, but I’m not ashamed of this, and I’m not going to hide so you’re going to have to deal with it. I’m having this baby, and if it’s the legalities that you’re worried about, I’ll have my lawyer draw up papers tonight. I’ll absolve you of any and all involvement with this child, both legally and financially.”

He stared at her for so long that her knees began to wobble again, and Lily thought she was going to crumble at his feet.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered roughly. “You make me sound like a goddamn bastard. I can’t be the only man on the planet who doesn’t want a wife or kids. I’d be a disaster as a father.”

Again, with the punch to the gut. Tears stung the corners of her eyes, hot pricks of pain that she forced away.

“I’m sure you’re not,” she managed to say. “But I also think you’re wrong. I think that if you wanted to, you’d be able to love a child and a woman without reservation. And I think that if you walk away from me now, one day you’ll regret it.”

He glanced down at the floor, shoulders hunched forward. Pain radiated off him in waves, and the bruise along his cheekbone took on a purplish hue as the sun hit him. A bruise put there by his father. God, no wonder he was so screwed up, but it didn’t stop her from hoping that she would be enough. That the “thing” they had together would be enough to heal his pain.

“I get that you didn’t want this,” she began.

His head snapped up.

“You don’t get anything, Lily. I’m not cut out for this. I don’t want to be responsible for another human being. It would never work out. I’d only end up hurting you…hurting the kid.” Anguish tinged his face. “I’m no good. I’m no different than Ben or his father before him. I’m selfish and arrogant. I drink too much, and my temper is off the charts. I don’t deal with shit real well, and I can’t…”

“You can’t what?” Angry now, she took a step forward.

“I just can’t do this. You. A baby. It’s not going to happen. Jesus Christ, Lily, it was never going to happen.”

In some secret corner of her soul, she had thought that maybe when he found out, things would be different. She’d thought that
he
would be different.

She hugged her stomach and stared at the man she loved. A man who had managed to tear down the walls she’d built up around her heart and yet he wouldn’t let her do the same to him. It was tragic, really. And it was her life.

“We’re all born innocent, Mac. I truly believe that. We come into this world with no direction and only the guidance of those around us. Some people get lucky and some, like us, well, we’re pretty much screwed. We can’t pick our parents. We can’t pick our family or where we grow up. We just get what we get. We become a product of our environment.” She paused and exhaled.

“I know your father is a bastard and I know that your mother broke your heart. I know their relationship molded you into the man that you are, but, Mac, you’re hiding behind all that crap. I know because I was there. I hid behind a reputation I didn’t deserve and a sister who used me. I hid behind a father who didn’t deserve my love and a mother who didn’t want it. But I got past it. My brother and Jake helped me get past it.”

And
so
did
you.

How could she make him see?

“I was broken inside and I never thought I’d be whole again. The difference between us is that you don’t want to be fixed. You’d rather go through life only half-alive. I guess I was hoping that I might be reason enough for you to change but…” She glanced down at her flat stomach. “I can’t hide behind my masks anymore. I won’t do it. I can’t afford to be that selfish anymore. I’m going to give this baby everything that I never had. He’s never going to want for anything.” She couldn’t help the tears that slid down her face—there were too many of them.

Angrily, Lily wiped them away. “And I hope he’ll never know that he wasn’t enough for his father. I’ll do everything in my power to keep that from him.”

“Boston.” She didn’t care that his voice was full of anguish or that the pain in his eyes was as great as hers. Right now, she couldn’t get past her own.

“Don’t call me that ever again.” Lily glanced back out at Gibson. “Can you leave please? I’ll have my lawyer send the papers to your New York address.”

A cool breeze swept in, rolling across the lawn. It lifted up her hair, and for a second she was blinded, but by the time she yanked the long blond strands from her face, Mac was down the steps, his long legs eating up the distance to his Mercedes.

She didn’t wait for him to leave.

She ran into the house and barely made it to the bathroom before she lost everything inside her stomach.

Chapter 28

It was close to midnight before Jake found him. Mackenzie had been sitting out on the Edwardses’ dock, staring into a clear night sky for hours. He never went back to the cottage he’d rented—he was too ashamed to face his nephew. Too ashamed of the violence Liam had witnessed.

Dammit, he should be stronger—or at least strong enough.

So here he was. Right back where he started. The place he always went to when things went south. He’d brought a bottle of Jack along, but he hadn’t touched it.

That was something at least. That was heading in the right direction.

Mackenzie watched Jake drag a chair over to him and the two men settled into a silence that was a long time in the making. It was the kind of silence that had seen things—dark things—and it was the kind of silence that he needed right now.

Overhead the night sky was lit up with a million diamonds, and as Mac leaned back and stared out at the vastness, he saw a shooting star. He followed its trajectory until it burned out, and then there was nothing.

Watching it left him feeling empty, but he supposed he was already empty to begin with.

“Lily’s pregnant,” he said, voice scratchy.

Jake didn’t say anything for the longest time, and when Mac finally looked his way, he found his friend’s eyes on him. They were dark and intense but instead of anger or condemnation, they were filled with compassion.

“I know,” Jake replied. He dug into the cooler he’d brought and offered Mac a cold beer.

Mac declined and Jake popped open his can, taking a good long drink.

The water lapped gently along the edge of the beach, small waves rolling in as the wind picked up, and even though the night was star-heavy, Mac smelled rain.

“How is she?” he asked, feeling that damn vise around his heart tighten as he sank lower into his chair and closed his eyes.

“Not good.”

No. He didn’t think she would be. Christ. When had everything gone to shit? Was he cursed to go through life in a pit of misery? Thinking back on things that he should have done differently?

Take Boston for instance. He knew that he was no good for her and still he went after her. He pursued her relentlessly. He took advantage of the undeniable attraction they felt for each other, and now things were as bad as he should have known they’d get.

He thought of the freckles on her nose and the way the right side of her mouth lifted when she smiled. He thought of how amazing she smelled and how soft she was to touch.

He thought of what it felt like to wake up with her in his bed and how he looked forward to arguing with her over sports or music or movies, or just about anything. He loved getting her worked up. He loved listening to her voice.

He loved listening to her breathe, and he loved watching her sleep.

“I love her,” he said, voice barely above a whisper.

Jake crumpled his can and tossed it into the cooler. “I know that too.”

He looked at his friend in surprise and Jake shrugged. “It’s pretty damn hard not to, and, buddy, you’ve had it bad for her ever since you saw her on Memorial Day.” Jake settled back in his chair, stretching his long legs out as he did so. “I hate to tell you this, Mac, but you didn’t have a chance where Lily was concerned. I’ve never met two people who belonged together as much as you guys do. I gotta say I didn’t see it at first, but I do now and it would be wrong for you to throw it away.”

Mac didn’t answer right away because he wasn’t sure that he could convey what he was feeling. He listened to the water. He let it lull him into a place of peace, or at the very least, as close to peace as he was going to get.

“I’m no good for her, Jake, and I sure as hell can’t raise a kid.”

“Bullshit.”

Mac sat a little straighter. “What?”

“I call bullshit.”

“You can’t call bullshit on something like that.”

“Why not?”

Was Jake trying to get under his skin?

“Because this is serious. It’s not a fucking game.”

“I know that and I still call bullshit.”

“Who’s calling bullshit on what?” The voice slid out from the dark, and Mac glanced down at the end of the dock, where a figure was slowly making his way toward them.

Cain.

The rocker looked like hell with several days’ worth of stubble on his chin and clothes that looked as if he’d slept in them.

“Shit, Cain, I thought I looked bad,” Mac said, moving over and giving him some room.