The Defendant (26 page)

When it was empty, he set it on a low table that stood a short distance away and then ran his hands through his hair. Josie swallowed her nervousness and braced herself for what was to come.

“From the moment I spied you on the sidelines, sitting in the bleachers with that broken leg, I was in love with you. Your smile, your laughter, your presence—you lit up the stadium. I felt it clear across the other side of the football field.” He shrugged and looked a little embarrassed, but the earnestness in his expression convinced her he was sincere.

“It sounds like some soppy crap from a terrible B grade movie, but it’s the truth.” He snagged her gaze and held it. “I still feel that way.”

Josie’s heart faltered and time stood still. She tried to look away, tried to break the spell, but couldn’t.

With another sigh, Chase turned away. “The night of your graduation was the most magical night of my life. I couldn’t wait to tell the world of our love. I couldn’t wait to make you mine.”

He shook his head sadly, caught up in the memories. Josie knew how he felt. She was remembering, too.

“What happened, Chase?” she asked softly. “Please, tell me.”

His shoulders slumped and the light disappeared from his eyes. Slowly, like a man nearing the end of his time, he made his way back to her and sat down in the loveseat.

Now that the moment was upon her, Josie couldn’t breathe. Panic clawed at her throat and all of a sudden, she didn’t want to know. Surely, not knowing was better than hearing the awful truth—whatever that might be? And awful it must be or Chase would have told her a decade ago.

“Chase, you don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted her and she saw the determination harden his face. “I do.”

Josie eased out a breath between lips that were sand-dune dry and prayed for the strength to see this through. Chase’s lips moved silently and she could only wonder if he was praying, too.

“The day after your graduation, the day after the most magical night of my life, my mother rushed me to a specialist at the hospital. I was poked and prodded and sent for a scan. A biopsy was done. Many hours later, after the results came back, the doctor told me I had cancer.”

Josie gasped in shock and horror, never once suspecting this had been the reason for his abandonment. All the years when she’d cursed him for dumping her without a word rushed back to haunt her and she burned with shame. While she’d been thinking the worst of him, he’d been lying in pain on a hospital bed, hearing news of a devastating kind.

“W-was it malignant?” she stammered, already knowing the answer.

Chase nodded slowly. “Yes. In the rush to get to the hospital, I’d left my phone at home. I had no way to let you know.”

“But what about after? You’re here, alive and well. You got treatment. You got better. Why didn’t you call me?” She tried hard not to sound accusatory, but the pain of his endless silence crept in. Chase moved a little closer and took both of her hands in his.

“I wanted to, believe me. There was nothing more that I wanted, but…” He shrugged helplessly.

“Don’t shrug at me, Chase Barrington. I deserve better than that. I loved you with everything that I was. I wanted to be your wife!” Tears filled her eyes and she swiped at them with the back of one hand. She had to get a handle on herself. There was more to the story that Chase hadn’t told her. She was sure of it.

“What kind of cancer did you have?” she demanded, suddenly realizing he hadn’t told her.

He pulled his hand away from hers and leaned over to rest his elbows on his thighs. His head hung low.

She was right.
There was something he hadn’t told her. The certainty didn’t make it any easier. Her heart pounded and she forced herself to ask again.

“Chase Barrington, you tell me
right
now. What kind of cancer did you have?”

She waited in silence with bated breath. It was the longest minute of her life. At last, he lifted his head.

“I had Stage Two testicular cancer. They removed all of one and most of the other and then I had chemo and radiotherapy to deal with the spread of it to the lymph nodes in my abdomen.”

Josie gasped and tried to process what he’d told her. Before she had a chance, he spoke again.

“I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that I had cancer when the doctor started talking about infertility. I was nineteen and someone was telling me the treatment I needed to stay alive would make me infertile. I’d never father a child. I’d never know that joy. All the things we’d talked about, all the plans we’d made. They dissolved into ashes in front of me.”

His voice hitched with emotion and Josie’s tears fell unheeded down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe what he’d told her, but knew it was the truth. It explained so much; it explained everything. Her heart weighed heavy with sadness for all that they’d lost, for all that could have been.

“Oh, Chase,” she gasped and threw herself in his arms. Taking refuge against the strong wall of his chest, she cried and cried and cried. A long while later, the deluge subsided to the occasional sob and it was then that the guilt set in.

All through her crying jag, Chase had held her pressed tenderly against him, murmuring soothing noises against her hair, but it wasn’t all about her.
He
had lost, too: perhaps even more so. He’d mourned the loss of their dream for a decade, believing everything was lost. She’d always maintained hope that one day, they’d find each other and everything would be all right once again.

“I’m so, so sorry, Chase. How could I have blubbered all over you like that?
You’re
the one who had cancer. You’re the one with the right to be devastated.”

Chase stared at her, his green eyes a sea of desolation. “I was devastated. I
am
devastated. Every time I think about it, I have to try hard not to get angry at the hand I was dealt. It would have been okay if it had only affected me, but
your
dream was destroyed, too. It wasn’t just me facing a very different future. The life you’d envisaged was also gone.”

He shook his head slowly as if he were still unable to believe it. “We’d talked about the family we’d have. We’d even named our kids. You couldn’t wait to be a mother. I couldn’t tell you the dream was over. That it would never happen with me. I-I just couldn’t do it.” His voice cracked and he bit down on a sob.

Josie’s heart broke at the anguish etched onto his handsome face. She wanted to erase it, to wipe away his pain, but she didn’t know how.

“It’s okay,” she whispered and laid her palm tenderly against his cheek. The roughness of his five o’clock shadow brushed against her hand. “I understand. I wish you’d told me, but I understand why you didn’t.”

“Are you… Are you still mad at me for leaving without a word?” he uttered hoarsely.

She shook her head vehemently. “How can you even ask me that? I spent ten years being mad at you and loving you just the same. Now that I know the truth, the anger has disappeared. All I feel is love.”

Chase’s eyes widened in surprise and hope bloomed on his face. “Love? You still love me?”

Fresh tears sprang in Josie’s eyes, but she nodded and smiled at him and tried to make him understand.

“Of course I still love you. It’s never changed. A decade, a lifetime later and I love you as much as I always have. I love you with every fiber of my being. It’s just the way it is. Even when I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t stop loving you.”

Chase leaned forward and held her head while he planted a hard kiss against her lips. “I love you, too. God, you’ll never know how much.” With that, he released her and stood and moved away. Josie frowned in confusion.

“What is it, Chase? What’s the matter?”

He spun on his heel and faced her, his eyes bleak with despair. “Don’t you see? This changes nothing. You love me. I love you. It doesn’t cure my infertility. It doesn’t give you a child.”

Josie’s jaw dropped open in shock. It was swiftly replaced with anger. No longer able to sit, she stood and advanced upon him.

“
You can’t be serious?
You can’t seriously expect me to believe you think your ability to provide me with a child is more important than spending my life with you?”

Chase’s continued silence infuriated her.

“How can you think so little of me? How can you think me so shallow? So selfish? So utterly self-absorbed? How can you think your worth to me is measured in your ability to father a child?” Her breath came fast and she made an effort to control her temper. In a slightly calmer voice, she continued.

“I love you, Chase.
You.
Not your body, not your bike, not your illustrious career. Love isn’t about what you can give me. It’s about how you make me feel. It’s about me wanting to be the best person I can be—to make me worthy; to make you proud.”

He shook his head, unconvinced. “But, you want to be a mother. It was all you used to talk about. You were born to be one. I saw you with the Logan boys and with Riley and Kate’s twins. The yearning’s still there. You can’t tell me any different.”

Frustration surged through her and she tried once again to make him see. “You’re right, I wanted to be a mother. I still want to be a mother and yes, I wanted your babies. I won’t deny it’s true. I dreamed of the day I would hold our child in my arms. A little boy or girl with your emerald eyes and curls of golden brown. I couldn’t wait for it to happen.

“Now, I find it’s not possible, that a child of yours will never be, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You’re so much more to me than a sperm donor and you know what? You’re really starting to piss me off that you continue to think of me so poorly. Child or no child, I’ll love you until I die. Get used to it.”

A tiny glimmer of hope flickered in Chase’s eyes. Josie stared at him and willed him to believe her. The death of her dream of one day carrying Chase’s child was a blow, but she’d mourn the loss of that later. Right now, the question of Chase’s fertility didn’t matter. All that was important was that she convince him she was telling the truth.

A smile broke out across his face. He took a step toward her and then another. Within seconds, she was engulfed within his strong embrace and pressed so tightly against him, she could barely breathe. A moment later, he released her, but only to swing her up in his arms. He strode across the porch, with moonlight and the soft glow from the living room lighting the way. She hadn’t even noticed the evening was fully upon them.

Bending his head, he took her mouth in a kiss so sweet and passionate, it almost brought tears to her eyes once again. His expression was one of love and tenderness as he gazed down at her. “I love you so much, Josie Munro.”

Kicking the door closed behind them, he headed straight down the hall.

“What about the plumber?” she murmured against his neck, suddenly remembering.

Chase came to an abrupt halt and did an about-face. Striding back to the front door, he turned the lock. “The plumber can wait.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Chase opened the door to Josie’s bedroom and walked through the doorway. His arms tightened momentarily around her before he slid her purposefully down the length of his hard body. Her booted feet hit the floor and still he didn’t release her.

His head dipped low and he captured her mouth, unable to get enough. She tasted so sweet and beautiful and familiar. She tasted like
his
. The thought sent a ray of wonder shooting through his heart. He still couldn’t believe she loved him, had always loved him and that even though he couldn’t give her a much-longed-for child, it didn’t matter; her feelings for him were as strong as ever.

The miracle of it lit him up anew and his heart filled with the sheer joy of it. The feel of her in his arms was every bit as amazing as he remembered and he vowed silently to never again let her go.

With his arms still about her, he walked them to her bed and with one hand switched on the lamp on the nightstand. At once, the room was filled with a soft yellow glow and Chase sighed with pleasure. He wanted to capture every intake of breath, every expression on her beautiful face. He wanted to taste and touch and love every inch of her silky smooth skin. He’d lost ten years. He wasn’t going to lose another second.

Drawing her back hard against him, he recalled from some distant memory how sensitive her ears were to the touch and gently nipped at her earlobe. He was rewarded with a moan and a shudder and she tipped her head back to give him greater access. He eagerly obliged.

His tongue snaked out and traced the intricate whorls and crevices over and over again.

“Oh, Chase, that feels so good. You’ve always known how to turn me on. I can’t believe how many years we’ve wasted.”

“Me neither,” he responded between kisses, “and I’m going to do my best to make up for lost time. Starting right now.”

She smiled and reached up and took his head between her hands and then forced it lower. On tiptoes, she pressed her mouth against his and kissed him until he was breathless. “You and me both,” she murmured with a wicked glint in her eye.

The blood rushed from his head to his groin and his cock hardened almost painfully. He ground his hips against her, letting her feel how much he wanted her. He was rewarded by her sudden intake of breath and the darkening of her beautiful eyes.