The Demon Lover (43 page)

“If I could offer you marriage,” he said quietly, ‘what then? To be together. to claim the boy as my own . Oh, Kate, I never wanted anything in my life as much as that. “

“I think you have learned something,” I told him.

“You were always under the impression that you only had to take what you wanted. You forgot there were other people in the world … You forgot that they too might have feelings … desires … Their lives meant nothing to you. They were just there to be used as best suited you. Now you know that other people want to live their lives the way they choose.. not the way you choose for them. I want a settled life for my son. He is my son. you resigned all claim to him when you married the Princesse and didn’t mind what happened to him.”

“That’s not true. I cared very much what happened to him … and to you.”

“You sent your mistress to look after us.”

“Wasn’t that caring?”

“You didn’t come yourself. You delegated another. It was only when you saw the boy and took a fancy to him that you came back into our lives.

Do you think I don’t understand you? You are selfish and arrogant. You suffer acutely from a disease called megalomania. Now you will have to realize that there are other people in the world whose lives mean as much so them as yours does to you. “

“You are trembling,” he said.

“I believe you love me very much.”

“You are ridiculous.”

He took me into his arms then and kissed and went on kissing me. He was right, of course. Whatever this was I felt for him, I did not want to resist. I wanted it to be as it had been all those years ago in the turret bedroom.

Oh, what a betrayal it is when the feelings of one who prides herself on her good sense demand that she act in opposition to everything that she knows is right.

For a few moments I let him hold me I let his fingers caress my neck.

I thought: It is natural, I suppose, for a woman to be aroused by a man like this, one who emanates power, domination . which is I believe in many cases the ultimate in physical attraction.

His lips were on my right ear.

“You’re not going to leave me, Kate. I won’t allow it.”

I drew myself away from him. I knew that I was flushed and that my eyes were shining. He was aware of it, too, and what it meant. I felt angry with him because he was able to understand the truth.

Smiling at me sardonically, he said: “There is the boy, for one thing.”

“What of the boy?”

“Do you think he would go away … willingly?”

“He would have to if I went.”

“You would break his heart.”

“Hearts don’t break. It’s a physical impossibility.”

“Metaphorically speaking.”

“Children get over these things very quickly.”

“I don’t think he would. He knows that I am his father.”

“How could he know such a thing?”

“He asked me.”

“What? Why should he do that?”

“He had overheard the servants talking.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“That servants talk? They do, you know. All the time. Do you think for one moment that they don’t know how things are between us? Do you think they can’t see the affinity between Kendal and myself?”

“What did you say to him?”

“I couldn’t lie, could I? To my own son.”

“Oh! How could you!”

“Believe me, he is delighted. He climbed up on me. I was sitting at the time and do you know, he put his arms round my neck and hugged me.

He kept shouting: “I knew it was true. I knew it.” I asked him if he was pleased with his father, and he said he wouldn’t ever want another father. I was the one. He had chosen me from the moment he saw me.

There! What do you think of that? “

“Oh, you shouldn’t have told him.”

“Should I have lied? Why should he not know the truth? He’s happy. He said: ” Then if you are my father, this castle is really my home. ” Oh, he’s one of us. No doubt of that.”

“One of the glorious Norman conquerors, you mean?”

“Exactly. And now you see, Kate, why it is impossible for you to take him away.”

“I don’t see that at all. I think that if the servants are talking there is all the more reason why I should go away. I want Kendal to go to school in England.”

“He can do that from here when the time comes. We’ll take him over to his school. We’ll go and get him when school holidays come round.

There is nothing in our way. “

“As I see it, there is everything. You have made up my mind for me. I shall tell Clare that we must get ready to go at once. We can’t stay here any longer.”

“What of your work here?”

“You know you have only given it to me so that I shall have something to do. If I don’t finish the manuscripts, someone else will. Yes, I see it clearly now. We must go. Now that you have told Kendal you are his father, I see it is impossible for us to remain.”

I wanted to get away, to think. He had shocked me deeply. I knew that Kendal would now be asking all sorts of questions. I must have the right answers ready.

He had done it purposely. He had deliberately told the boy.

I tried to brush past him, but he caught me by the shoulders.

“Kate,” he said, ‘what are you going to do? “

“Get away … to think … to make plans.”

“Wait a while. Give me time.”

“Time … time for what?”

“I will think of something. Something is going to happen … I promise you. Don’t do anything rash. Give me a little more time.”

Then he had me in his arms again. He held me to him. I wanted to stay there . just like that. The thought of going away was unbearable.

And as we stood there, I heard a movement. The door was opening.

We broke away guiltily as Clare came into the room.

“Oh!” She gave a little exclamation. I noticed the uneasy look in her large brown eyes.

“I thought you were alone here, Kate …”

The Baron bowed.

She acknowledged his greeting and went on: “I only wanted to say, would you mind if we ate a little earlier today as the boys want to get out into the woods. It’s some new game, I think. One goes off ahead of the other and leaves a trail …”

We were not concentrating on what she was saying. Nor was she. She must have seen our embrace and it had upset her. She hated conflict of any sort and I knew she would be deeply disturbed at the thought of my conducting a love-affair with the Baron while his wife was on her invalid’s couch in another part of the castle.

She did not mention what she had seen and I said nothing to her immediately about my decision to go back with her. She was visiting the castle every day and her friendship with the Princesse was growing fast. If she did not go to the castle a message would come to the Loge asking if she was well and if so would she come at once.

I knew what it was-that special brand of sympathy. As I have said, the Princesse, who revelled in self-pity, would find the ideal listener in Clare. It had always been like that. I remembered poor little Faith Camborne who had been so devoted to Clare. I was not surprised that the Princesse found in her the ideal companion. I suppose there are few people in the world who want to listen to other people’s troubles all the time. But Clare was one who could do this admirably. She scarcely ever mentioned herself and had always had the gift of making other people’s troubles hers.

I remembered how my father had written of her, telling me how much she had done for him. Clare was indeed a rare person.

It was afternoon-three or four days after she had surprised Rollo and me together. I had said nothing to her yet, but I was making plans in my own mind. I must admit I kept postponing them, making excuses to myself why I could not put them into action immediately. I wanted to work everything out very thoroughly, I told myself. I wanted to imagine going back to Collison House . living there . finding a niche in that country life where one’s neighbours knew most of one’s business. It seemed that they did here too; but that somehow was different. The Baron was here to protect me. I suppressed that thought as soon as it came. Could I do it? I had money which I had earned in Paris. I had enough to get me to England and to last me for about a year while I put out feelers. And at the back of my mind was the thought of the security that collection of miniatures had brought me.

I need not worry financially and that had been the main cause of my anxiety.

Jeanne had gone into the nearby village to shop and taken the dog-cart with her. It belonged to the castle, of course, but we had been given permission to use it.

The fact that both she and the boys were out gave me an opportunity to talk to Clare.

I knew that she wanted to say something to me and did not quite know how to begin.

I said: “Are you seeing the Princesse this afternoon?”

“Yes. She expects me.”

“You and she have become great friends in a very short time.”

“I am sorry for her. She is really a very unhappy woman.”

“Oh, Clare, it is your mission in life to look after people, I know.

But I do think if she tried to rouse herself. “

“Yes, but her inability to do so is part of her illness. She can’t rouse herself. If she could …”

“She could if she tried. She does ride now and then. I have ridden with her.”

“Yes,” said Clare.

“She has taken me to that favourite spot others.

There again, her fancy for that is morbid. She told me that once she contemplated throwing herself over the Peak. “

“I know. She told me, too. How much has she told you, Clare?”

“She talks all the time … of’ the past mostly. Of the wonderful time she had in Paris. I know that she had a lover and that poor little William is not the Baron’s child.” || “She has told you her whole life story, it seems.”

“I’m sorry for her. I do what I can to help. But there is so little one can do, but sit and listen and show sympathy.”

“Can’t you make her interested in something?”

“She is interested only in herself. Oh, Kate, I am worried. I’m worried mainly about you and your involvement in all this.”

I was silent and she went on: “We have to talk. It’s no use pretending things are not what they are. Kendal is the Baron’s son, isn’t he?”

I nodded.

“He must have been born about the same time as William was.”

“There is little difference in their ages.”

“Even when the Baron was about to be married, you … and he …”

I just could not bear the reproach in her eyes.

“Of course,” she went on, “I suppose he would be considered a very attractive man … to some people. All that power … all that masculinity …”

I interrupted her.

“Clare, it was not as you think. I was going to marry a distant cousin of his and the Baron had a mistress. He was fond of her and wanted her settled. He wanted my fiance to marry her. My fiance said he would not marry the Baron’s mistress. So the Baron… oh, I know this sounds crazy to you, coming from home where everything is so different. But these things do happen, and they happened here. He abducted me, kept me a prisoner, and forced me to submit to him.”

Clare gave a cry of horror.

“Oh no!” she said.

“Oh yes. The result was Kendal.”

“Oh, Kate. And you could love a man like that!”

“Love him?” I said.

“We are not talking of love.”

“But you do love him … now … don’t you?”

I was silent.

“Oh dear,” she went on.

“I am so sorry. I just did not understand.”

I told her how he had sent Nicole to look after me, how he had saved Kendal’s life and brought us out of Paris.

She said: “He is a strong man.” She lifted her shoulders.

“I begin to understand … a little. But he is married to the Princesse. She hates him, Kate. He wants to marry you, doesn’t he?”

I remained silent.

Then she went on: “But he can’t because of the Princesse. Kate, you must not become his mistress. That would be wrong … very wrong.”

“I am thinking of going home,” I said.

“I have been wanting to talk to you about that for some time.”

“The Princesse told me that he had demanded that she divorce him.”

“When?”

“A few days ago. She won’t, Kate. She is adamant about that. I haven’t seen her so alive … ever before. At last she has a chance to take her revenge … and she is going to take it. She knows that you and he have been lovers. She knows that Kendal is his son. He makes that clear enough. He dotes on the boy. And then, the way he ignores poor William. It’s all very obvious … and very sad. He is a cruel man in some ways.”

“You see, I must go back to England with you. I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“We will go whenever you say.”

“It will be so strange to be back at Collison House.”

“It was your home for a long time.”

“Kendal will hate it. He loves the castle. He loves the Baron.”

“Children get over these things quickly.”

“I wonder if Kendall will.”

“It’s the best way, Kate. In fact it is the only way.”

“You are so understanding, Clare.”

“Well, my life has been very quiet really. I looked after my mother until she died and then I came to you … Nothing much had happened to me until I married your father. Who would ever have thought I should marry! I was very happy. It was terrible what happened.”

“You did everything for him. You made him so happy.”

“Yes. It seems to me that I have always lived other people’s lives. I looked after him. His life was mine. And now there is you, Kate. You are his daughter and it is what he would want me to do. I want to take you out of this situation which is becoming more and more intolerable.

I feel it is going to blow up into a big storm and I’m afraid for you.

”

“Oh Clare, I’m so glad you came. You have offered me the way out.”

“But you don’t want to take it, Kate.”

“I have to take it. I see with you that it is the only way.”

We sat for some time without speaking. Then she went off to pay the promised visit to the Princesse.

To Die/or Love ix^ Sy My thoughts were in a turmoil. I knew that I had to get away. Having talked to Clare, I realized it with greater understanding.