The Demon Lover (47 page)

“You have, Clare.”

“Yes, I have. And now you are talking of throwing away this chance. I want to see you happy before I go.”

“Dear Clare, you are so good. You care so much for others … and make their problems yours. But I know myself, and I think I know best about this. I am never going to be happy with this shadow between us.”

“Because in your heart you believed that he killed her?”

“I can’t stop myself. The doubt will always be there. I can’t live with it. I have made up my mind. I am going to start afresh.”

“He will never permit it.”

“He won’t know how to stop it. I want you to help me. I am going to slip away… quietly. And then I shall lose myself in England.

Somewhere where he will never be able to find me. “

“You will let me know where you are?”

“When I have found a place I will write to you at Collison House, but you will have to promise to keep my secret. Will you?”

“I will do anything for you, you know.”

“Then you will help me now?”

“With all my heart,” she said solemnly.

When I awoke in the morning I was certain I had come to the right decision, though I had never felt so unhappy in the whole of my life.

I realized only now how deep my feelings for this man had gone. There would never be another in my life. I would dedicate everything to my child, but I knew that he would never forget and perhaps continue to blame me for taking him from the father he had grown to love and admire more than anyone in the world. And when he no longer saw the Baron, I knew that the picture he retained of him would grow more and more splendid.

I saw the weary years stretching ahead, bereft of joy. I must start a new life. The plan was beginning to evolve. 1 must make my way to London, find lodgings there until I could find a studio in which to work. All I had to recommend me was my father’s name. That counted for something. But would the success I had had in Paris have been heard of?

That was what I had to discover. So I must slip away from here secretly. I wondered how I was going to get Kendal to come with me. He was no longer a small child-in fact he was old for his years, and already I could see Rollo in him. But I had to find some way of getting him to leave quietly. Clare would help me.

One thing was certain. Rollo must not know, for if he did he would do everything he could to prevent me. But I must go. Of that I was certain.

I walked round the moat and looked at the castle. I would remember it always in the years to come. There would be a perpetual ache in my heart and a longing for something that never could be.

Marie-Claude dead had driven as big a rift between us as she ever had alive.

My thoughts were in turmoil when I returned to the Loge. It seemed quiet and empty. Kendal and Jeanne were not there. Nor, it seemed, was Clare.

I went up to my room to take off my cloak and there lying on my bed was an envelope addressed to me. It was in Clare’s handwriting.

Puzzled, I took it up and slit the envelope. There were several sheets of paper inside.

I read the opening words. They danced before my eyes. I could hardly believe I was not dreaming. I seemed to be plunging deeper and deeper into nightmare.

My dearest Kate [she had written], I have been up all night trying to work out how to do what I must do. I realized when we talked last night what I had to do. It seemed that there was only one way.

Marie-Claude did not commit suicide. She was murdered and I know who killed her. “

Let me explain to you. I have always been the sort of person who had little life of her own. I always seemed to be on the edge of things looking in. I loved hearing of people’s lives. I loved sharing them.

I was grateful to be taken in and allowed to. I grew so fond of them.

I have been deeply fond of many people. none like you and your father though, because you brought me right into your family . you made me one of you . and gave me more of a life of my own than I had ever had.

I do want you to understand me. I know you think you do, but you don’t really know the essential part of me and you have to if you are going to understand how everything happened. We all have hidden places.

Perhaps I haven’t any more than anyone else.

When I was young I had no life of my own . There was only my mother’s. I was with her all the time . reading to her . talking to her . towards the end doing everything for her. She was very ill and suffered a lot of pain. I loved her dearly. It was hard watching her. She wanted to die but she couldn’t. She just had to go on lying there suffering, waiting for the end. It is unbearable watching someone you love suffer, Kate. I thought constantly of how I could alleviate her pain. One night, I gave her an extra dose of the painkilling medicine the doctor had given her. She died peacefully then. I didn’t regret it. I knew I had done the right thing. I was happy because I had done that and saved her from the terrible nights of pain.

Then I came to you and you were all so warmhearted and you accepted me in Evie’s place and you seemed to be so fond of me. I loved the life.

It was so different from what it had been. I was fond of everyone in the village. Such nice good kind people . particularly the twins.

I was drawn to them . mainly because of Faith. Poor Faith, she wasn’t happy, was she? She was always afraid. I suppose we all have a certain amount of fear in us, but Faith had a double share ‘because she had her sister’s as well. I knew she was very unhappy and tried to hide it because she didn’t want to spoil everything for her sister.

Did you know at one time Hope almost decided not to marry because she knew it would break that close tie between herself and her twin? She was desperately worried about how Faith would get on without her. They were like one person. Well,

Faith wasn’t happy. Hope wasn’t happy . but when Faith wasn’t there, Hope could be. They used to confide in me, both of them . so I saw the picture from both sides.

There was that spot, you remember. Rather like the one here. That dangerous drop. What was it called? Brackens Leap? Well, I talked with Faith. We walked together and we talked and we talked . and there we were looking down. I didn’t plan it. It just came to me that it was the right thing to do. And it was. Hope is very happy now. Those lovely children she’s got, they are charming. It’s such a happy family. And they visit the grandparents, and all the tragedy is forgotten now . because joy came out of it. Faith is forgotten now as you would have forgotten the Baronne.

Then there was your father. He pretended to come to terms with his blindness, but he never did really. I knew him so well and I knew how sad he was. Once he broke down and told me what the loss of his sight meant to him.

“I am an artist,” he said, and I am going into a dark, dark world. I shan’t see anything . the sky . the trees . the flowers and you and Kate and the boy . ” I knew his heart was broken. I knew that to take his eyes away from an artist was about the most cruel thing life could do. One day he said to me, ” Clare, I’d be better off dead. ” Then I knew what I had to do. I remembered how easy it had been with my mother.

And that brings me to the Baronne. She wasn’t happy. She never would have been. She looked inward all the time . to herself. She didn’t see anyone but herself very much. That poor little William . he was so neglected and unhappy . until you came with Jeanne and Kendal.

What would he have grown up like? But he will have a chance now with you there. And there is Kendal. He would never have been happy away from his father. He’s a strong, wayward boy. He needed a father. And there’s the Baron he needs you, Kate. He needs you to show him how to live. He didn’t know how to . until he met you. If you left him he would go back to what he was . blustering through life . wasting it, really. No, he needs you more than anyone. And then, my dear, dear Kate, there is you. I look upon you as my daughter. I know I am not much older than you but I married your father. I married into a family . and I look upon it as mine. I am deeply fond of you, Kate. I think more than anything now I want you to be happy with your family . with your work . Oh, life can be so good for you.

You belong together . you and the Baron. You must be together now, otherwise it will all have been in vain. That is what I want. It is the very reason why I did what I did.

I walked out there to meet her. We talked. We looked at the view. It was easy. I just had to touch her and she was gone.

That brings me to my last murder and when you read this it will be done.

Perhaps I should not have interfered. We are not supposed to take life, are we? But whatever I did, I did it for love. I did it to make a better life for people. That must be rather an unusual motive: Love so deep and sincere that it leads to murder.

Be happy with your Baron. Teach him how to live. Kendal, I know, will grow up into a fine strong boy now. And you will do everything you can to make a happy life for little William.

Remember, Kate, all I did was done for love.

I dropped the letter and sat staring into space. Clare had done this!

I could not believe it . and yet looking back everything slipped into place.

My poor Clare, who had always seemed so quietly sane, was sick. Her mind was unbalanced. It must be if she believed that she had the right to take life. And she had believed that.

“It was for their good and the good of others,” she would say. And I could see how she convinced herself of this. It was true that she had cared deeply for others, and she had killed those whom she had loved. How tragic it was! She, Clare, had assumed the Divine power to act and even if she believed it was a benevolent power, she was still a murderess. I wished that she had talked to me. I wished that I could have helped her, made her understand that there are no circumstances when murder must be committed. But it was too late now.

I made my way to the castle.

He was there and I threw myself into his arms.

I said: “I know now. I have it here. I know what happened … exactly. I want you to read this now … to tell me that I am not dreaming.”

He took the letter and I watched the amazement spread across his face as he read.

Then he looked at me, long and steadily, and I wondered how I could ever have thought of leaving him.

We rode out to the ravine together. Clare was lying there with a sweet seraphic smile on her face.