The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (47 page)

We exchanged vows in a private ceremony—just the two of us—in the church where I had been confirmed thirty years before. No one but the two of us knew about it, but it didn't matter. We really wanted to be in a church, and I really wanted to be in that particular church, which officially wasn't going to have any part of us. But it was an unbelievably special moment that could only have taken place there. The next week we had a huge party at the Holiday Inn.

—Madeline

Many people, whether they consider themselves religious or not, want to have their
weddings sanctified by the blessings of clergy. (Maybe because it's a time-honored fashion, or maybe because they want to be close to somebody who they feel is closer to God than they are.) Some gay couples feel that it isn't a “legal” union unless the ceremony is performed in a house of worship. Perhaps some gays seek out religious blessings because we are largely denied legal blessings.

If you have a specific religious or spiritual affiliation, you'll likely want to hold your ceremony at your house of worship. Chances are you know your church's policy on same-sex ceremonies; if such ceremonies are common, sign up! If you don't know that your church has ever sponsored a same-sex ceremony, remember that there's a first time for everything; make an appointment with the appropriate person from your congregation to get the ball rolling. If you're successful, you've cemented the ceremony site; if you're not, you can begin to look elsewhere. It's also possible that you adore your pastor but for one reason or another you aren't interested in using your actual church building. In that case, the pastor, rabbi, minister, or whatever can come to
you.
(Once you decide where you will be, that is.)

If you're not a member of a congregation, it'll probably cost you more to have your ceremony there (that's right, expect to pay a fee for the use of any religious building; more on that later), and they may also have certain dates and times reserved for their own congregation.

You may be interested in a particular church or spiritual center in your area for a number of reasons: you get a good sense from people you know in the congregation, you've always been intrigued by the quotes they post on their signboard outside, or you're simply a fool for the building's architecture. You've got nothing to lose by making a phone call. Tell them that you're not a member of the congregation and that you're curious about their policy; then, if it looks like there's a chance of the rental happening, get into the specifics. They may have never done a same-sex union ceremony, but hey, maybe no one ever asked.

There are numerous chapels that are non-denominational, and we've found that they can be very receptive to nontraditional ceremonies (yep, that sounds like a same-sex wedding to us, all right) because their bread and butter is weddings. The spaces themselves can be quite charming. You know, “wood and glass structures in perfect harmony with the blue sky and pines overhead”—those kinds of places. Sometimes they come complete with a minister, and sometimes you can bus one in yourself. Other services might include taped music, an on-site wedding planner, and party facilities.

Before you make a final decision and commit to having your ceremony in a specific place, ask the following questions. Not all of them may be applicable, but make sure you get answers to those that affect you.

How much are the fees for the space? Is a deposit required? At what point can I cancel and still get my money back?

Must we use clergy affiliated with the location, or is a visiting minister allowed to assist or preside over the ceremony? How is the clergyperson's fee determined?

During which hours can I use the actual space for rehearsal? For the ceremony?

How many people does the space hold? (It should be large enough to accommodate all of your guests but not so big that you feel the need to drag strangers in off the street to fill it.)

Are there facilities for the wedding party to dress in (or pace back and forth in) ahead of time? Are there two separate spaces in case we decide not to see each other until the wedding begins?

Is there a dress code? (No tube tops or gauchos?)

What about throwing rice, birdseed, or rose petals inside? Outside?

What are the cleanup requirements?

Are there any limitations as far as candles, flowers, or decorations?