The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (48 page)

Are there any rules about what our ceremony and vows can be like?

Will there be any problem with photographers or videographers being inside the church or temple?

Are there any restrictions on songs or the type of music to be played?

What is available in terms of music? Is there a piano? An organ? A sound system? How about a boys' choir? Are there extra fees for this?

Does this location have facilities for a reception?

Is the site affiliated with a specific catering company that we must use, or can we use our own catering source?

“SAME-SEX, DIFFERENT-FAITH MARRIAGES…TODAY ON FOX NEWS!”

What if you're one of those couples who are of the same sex but of different faiths? You've no doubt discussed your religious differences; you'll need to arrive at a compromise for your union ceremony. In-terfaith weddings are less complex when they take place on neutral ground—for example, a club, hotel, or historic site—because it's easier to mix symbols and customs outside of a religious building. It was important for Melissa to get married in a church, and Rachel and her rabbi agreed to it; but Rachel ultimately realized that she'd be uncomfortable saying her vows beneath a cross, and they moved the ceremony to a friend's home.

What if you choose not to have your ceremony within the walls of a traditional religious center? Read on, and consider all the options we suggest for reception sites.

The reception…is the gay part of the wedding where your friends come to greet you and to wish you happiness.

—Marguerite Bentley,
Wedding Etiquette Complete
(1956)

If you have decided to use a church, temple, or spiritual site for the ceremony, you may also want to have your reception on the premises. If you're not the churchgoing kind, you're probably looking for a nonreligious location for both your ceremony and reception. You can choose from a wide variety of sites—gardens, hotels, private homes, amusement parks; the list is endless. Just as a church provides a specific atmosphere, so too will any nonreligious space. Do a little flashback to that imaginary home movie of your wedding we had you run in chapter four, and think again about how you can turn your fantasy into a practical reality.

When picking a spot for the reception, you must be sure to do the “We're a same-sex couple” bit. Even if you feel it's nobody's business and your reception will be taking place behind closed doors, think about the fact that there will undoubtedly be interaction between the people running the location and your party. The person you're booking with is not the same person who will be serving food, tending bar, or checking coats the day of the wedding, and his or her unspoken acceptance of you as a lesbian or gay couple is not necessarily a guarantee of a happy party. Discuss it: tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ahead of time.

Josie and I found a garden room in a really nice hotel, and we loved everything about it. The catering manager was really hip, and when we told him why we were interested in renting the space, he seemed cool about it and said that he'd get back to us. When he called the next day, he seemed a little embarrassed but told us that he didn't think the staff could handle it, and that we might enjoy ourselves more someplace else. Off the record, he recommended another place that turned out to be ideal.

—Luisa

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

Spend some time investigating your first choices; a swank hotel or a private yacht may be more attainable than you imagined. There are ways to trim costs and still get the wedding of your dreams.

• If you have your heart set on a certain hotel, go to the catering director and see if you can strike a deal for an off night.

• Brunch, lunch, and dessert receptions can be done much more inexpensively than a sit-down dinner in the exact same setting.

• If you want that restaurant with the revolving bar that gives a 360-degree view of the city, you can book it for two hours, have cocktails and nibbles, and be done with it.

• Stay away from June!

Now, when you're booking a space for your wedding, you might be renting just that—the space. Period. No chairs, no tables, no nothing. (
Nada. Niente.
Zilch. Zippo.) Certainly a park or a pier might fall into this category. Other spaces such as a hotel may be able to provide everything from a four-course sit-down meal to place cards with your names on them, and come with program coordinators who will work with you to make sure every detail is taken care of.

When sizing up locations, be sure to examine the whole range of what is provided. Your guiding principle should be to find out exactly what is or is not included in the price, because unexpected extras can add up quickly.

A package deal can be tempting because it makes things feel more manageable. However, beware the packages! With them you may find yourselves sacrificing some of the things you truly madly deeply wanted because the package didn't offer them. (You may not even be allowed to bring in an outside cake, or, if you are, they'll charge you a “cutting and serving” fee.) With locations that provide nothing but the space, you can have it all your way—the flip side being that this may of course mean much more careful planning, and many more potential headaches.

Oh, we can hear you now: “What are they talking about? We want to get married in the park. What could be so difficult about that?” Maybe nothing, but you should make sure you understand what is ahead of you. The list of things you may have to supply is extensive, and may include food, beverages, tables, chairs, dishware, utensils, staff… maybe even electricity for the sound system. We're not saying it's not doable, because it happens all the time. Just be prepared to be detail oriented.

With this fun factoid placed firmly under your belts, let's take a look at some location categories you might want to consider.

Hotels do a huge business in arranging banquets, bar mitzvahs, conventions, proms, and, of course, weddings. There are also large buildings called catering halls that have a number of separate party rooms along with a few nonsectarian chapels. Hotels and catering halls are pros when it comes to handling large affairs, and they'll try and grant your every request. They'll have experience with and suggestions for just about everything, from menus to seating arrangements.