The Fragile Fall (25 page)

I was addicted to her.

I wanted to spend time with her again, but I wanted it to be something different, something special. I wanted the chance to talk to her. As I tried to come up with an idea, my phone chimed.

Ryanne: There’s a new glow-in-the-dark mini golf course that opened up a few months ago. I’ve been wanting to check it out. Would you be interested?

Leave it to Ryanne to read my mind and find a solution to my problem.

Will: That sounds cool. When do you want to go?

Ryanne: I have to work early tomorrow. Want to head out after I get done with work?

Will: Sure.

Ryanne: Can’t wait.

I couldn’t wait for tomorrow night.

I laughed as I watched Ryanne try and get the ball down the green. She blamed the darkness and the brightly glowing pictures everywhere for her inability to get the ball into the hole. I really enjoyed watching her try and putt. She screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth in concentration. Not to forget the fact that she bent over to hit the ball; I couldn’t stop myself from peeking down her shirt. This had to be the best idea ever. I would drag her out to mini golf every day if I could.

“I can’t fucking hit it from this angle,” she said, pouting. She turned so her back was to me and bent over again. I bit my lip as she wiggled her hips right before she swung the club.

Mini golf was my new favorite sport.

Was it a sport?
I didn’t care what it was as long as I could keep watching her.

When she had finally sunk the ball, she bounced up and down and squealed as she flung herself at me. I wrapped my arms around her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss the top of her head. She snuggled closer.

“It’s your turn and then we’re done with this stupid ass game.”

I let her go, reluctantly, and got ready to take my turn. Before I swung my club, I looked up at her and grinned. “I don’t know if I would call this game stupid, Ry.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re winning.” I swung my club and sunk the ball on the first try. Ryanne wrote on the scorecard. “See! That was your fourth hole-in-one. Are you kidding me? Are you a secret pro golfer?”

I laughed and pulled her into my arms, unable to stop myself from touching her. “I can promise you I am not a pro golfer. It was pure luck.”

“If you say so.” She rested her head against my chest.

I pulled away from her and grabbed her club from her. “Let’s get out of here. We can grab some coffee before Brewed closes.”

“You know me so well.” She smiled the sweetest smile and my heart flipped in my chest. I wanted to kiss her so badly tonight I couldn’t stand it.

We turned in our clubs and walked toward the coffee shop across the parking lot. It was cold outside, so I put my arm around her and held her close.

We ordered coffees, then sat at one of the little tables. Ry sipped hers slowly. “This is so good,” she said, smiling.

“I know how much you love coffee.”

“It’s especially good tonight with this cold weather.”

We talked about nothing in particular as we enjoyed our coffee. I couldn’t get over how easy it was to hang out with her and just be. We got along so well and we never ran out of things to talk about. There was no one that I liked hanging out with as much as Ry.

“Wait, you have some whipped cream on your nose,” I said as I leaned across the table. I wiped the whipped cream off and she smiled at me. Just to have an excuse to touch her, I leaned back across the table and cupped her cheek in my hand. I swept my thumb over her cheek. When I let go, she sighed and turned away, gathering up our garbage.

“Thanks,” she muttered, not looking at me.

After threw away our empty cups, we trekked across the parking lot again. She quickly started trembling from the cold, so I wrapped my arm around her again as we made our way back to Aunt Liv’s car. She shrugged out from under my arm and walked just out of reach. I had no idea what was wrong.

On the drive home, instead of the easy conversations we’d shared up to this point, we were both silent. I wasn’t sure why she was upset and I hoped it wasn’t something I’d done.

I pulled into her driveway and turned the car off. She climbed out without saying a word and I quickly followed her. Before she could slip inside her house, I snagged her hand and stopped her.

“What’s wrong, Ry?”

She looked down at the ground and chewed on her lip. “What is this, Will? What are we doing?”

“We’re spending time together.”

Her eyes found mine and they were full of vulnerability and yearning. “Is that all?”

“What do you mean? Do you want it to be something more?”

“I don’t know.” She took a big breath as though she was gathering strength. “No, I do know. I want something more, Will. I want to be yours. I want to know that I’m the one you’re thinking of when we’re not together and that I’m the only one you want. That’s what I want because that’s what you are to me. But I don’t want to put myself out here, spending time with you and falling for you harder than I already have, if this is nothing but friends hanging out.”

I hated that I was hurting her. Tugging on her hand, I pulled her closer to me and took her face in my hands. “Ry, I want to be able to give you what you want, but I’m not sure I can. I can promise you that I think about you all the time, whether we’re together or not, and there is not a single girl in the entire world that I want more than I want you. I just don’t think I can give you what you want.”

She put her hands over mine. “Why?”

“Because I just got out of the hospital after almost killing myself and I’ve made some really bad decisions. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be in a relationship.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not ready for you to stop looking at me the way you do, and once you know the truth, your opinion of me will change. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re breaking my heart. All I want to do is fall into your arms and be with you, but you keep me at a distance. What am I supposed to think?”

“That I’m absolutely crazy about you and I’m giving you everything I’m capable of giving you right now.”

She pulled my hands away from her face and stepped back. “Then you need to stop. I can’t have you hold me and give me kisses and be so incredibly sweet because it’s killing me.”

“I’m sorry, Ry.”

“I’m sorry too, Will.”

She turned and walked into her house.

I was hanging on by a thread and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I hated that I’d hurt Ryanne and I felt guilty. The weight of all the guilt I was carrying was quickly crumbling all the strides I had taken. Between my parents, hurting Ry, and worrying Aunt Liv, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep myself steady.

“Okay, Will, what’s been going on?” Dr. Thomas asked.

“I feel like I’m taking giant leaps backwards. I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday and the only reason I got out of bed today was to go to school.”

“What’s causing this?”

“Guilt.”

“Elaborate, please. I can’t help you sort it out until you talk to me about it.”

“My parents. I know you say it was an accident, but I can’t accept that. They are dead because of
me
. I lied and went to a party. I got drunk and asked a friend to drive me home even though I knew he was completely trashed. If I had stayed home that night, they would be alive right now. And I’m sick of beating myself up about this. We keep talking about this and I keep blaming myself and hating myself and feeling unbelievably guilty.” The words tumbled from me and my anxiety climbed with each syllable. I scratched at my wrist.

“You can’t expect your thoughts to change overnight, Will. You need to be patient with yourself and you need to be compassionate with yourself.”

I scratched at my wrist harder. “I can’t quit playing the images over in my head. I can’t get the sight of their bodies in the car, dying, to stop replaying over and over again.”

“Last time you were here, you seemed to be doing better. What happened?”

“I went out with Ryanne again. She told me she couldn’t be around me if nothing was going to develop between us. She said I was hurting her. All I ever do is hurt people. I hurt my parents and killed them. I hurt Aunt Liv by disrupting her life and then almost dying and causing her to worry. I hurt Ry by pushing her away. As if that isn’t bad enough, she thinks I’m intentionally trying to hurt her.”

I scratched so hard that I broke skin, blood trickling from my wrist, and the sight of the blood was my undoing. I felt nauseous, and guilt overwhelmed me as I watched the blood seep from the scratch. It wasn’t a lot of blood, but I had caused it. I had hurt myself even when I was trying not to. The guilt was too much and I bent over, burying my face in my hands, and cried.

I cried
for hurting Ry and Aunt Liv.

I cried
for killing my parents.

I cried
for hurting
me.

The pain I felt was washing over me in waves and I was drowning. All the progress I had made in the hospital had been undone in two weeks.

Dr. Thomas moved closer to me, rubbing a hand over my back. “We all make mistakes, Will. There is not a single person on this planet who hasn’t hurt someone, whether intentional or not. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.”

She sat in the chair next to me and took the hand with the bleeding wrist in her own. She grabbed some tissues and pressed them to the wound. Not seeing the blood helped me. “You feel genuine regret and you would do anything to take back the mistakes you’ve made.
That
is important. If you showed no regret or compassion, then we’d have an entirely different situation on our hands. For you to be able to move forward with your life, you have to let it go. You will never forget, but you have to stop torturing yourself. You are doing nothing but hurting yourself.”

I sat quietly and pulled myself together, listening to her words. I had heard these kinds of statements over and over again, but it never seemed to sink in. This time, though, something clicked. I needed to forgive myself so I could move on with my life and I wanted to do that. I wanted to have a life full of friends and family and love, but I couldn’t do that as long as I kept punishing myself.

“I regret that this has happened to you, Will. I regret that you had to experience the tremendous loss you did that night. You’re still living, though, and you can’t keep punishing yourself.” I nodded, for the first time, accepting her words. “You’ve been too hard on yourself and it’s damaging you.”

“How do I stop?”

“You have to let it go. All the guilt and blame, let it go. It won’t happen all at once, but you stop holding it in such a tight fist and it’ll slowly dissipate.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding. “I understand.”

“I’m glad you called me so we could deal with this together instead of letting it fester and turn into a bigger problem.” She moved over to her chair. I continued pressing the tissue to my wrist, not looking up.

“I shouldn’t have scratched myself so hard.”

“Did you mean to hurt yourself?”

“No. I was anxious and, for some reason, I’ve been scratching myself when I’m anxious.”

“It’s okay. It was a mistake.” I nodded. “Tell mw what happened with Ryanne? Is that what caused you to become so upset?”

“I’ve made mistakes with her, too.” I sighed, hating that I had to relive that night, yet again. “Ryanne and I went out together twice, just as friends. I found it impossible to stay away from her. I always wanted to touch her, hold her, and be close to her, so I did. I would brush against her, hold her hand, kiss her forehead, hug her, but I’d always pull away, even when she would hold onto me. She asked me if I wanted to be something more with her and I told her I couldn’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I let her in to see all the mistakes I’ve made and what I’ve done, she’ll want nothing to do with me and I’m not sure I can deal with that.”

“So you haven’t told her about the night of the accident?”

“No.”

“How can you know what her reaction will be if you don’t open up and tell her? What if her reaction surprises you?”