The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (65 page)

Games often introduce an element of chance into sex play; the unpredictable outcome of the encounter can be particularly exciting. It’s also liberating to simply agree to play by someone else’s rules. With many games, not only are you relieved of any responsibility for planning the next move, you’re being told what to do. This can be a nice break for those who tend to choreograph sexual encounters, as well as a welcome change for people whose imaginations may need a little jump start. Games also give you permission and guidance when it comes to exploring fantasies you might otherwise be too embarrassed or shy to bring up with a partner. Finally, if you’ve been intrigued by many of the suggestions for acting out your fantasies but aren’t sure where to start, games can be a great way to try on a new persona, practice talking dirty, and engage in a little exhibitionism, among other things.

Concerns about Fantasies

Many of us have an unwritten code about what is appropriate material for fantasy. When our imaginations cross the line, we might feel guilt or fear that something’s wrong with us. Remember the beauty of fantasy is that it’s all in your head! No one need be invited in that you don’t want, so the only judge and jury is you. If your fantasies are bringing you pleasure and not causing anyone else pain, why not leave the thought police out of it?

Nonetheless, the only person who can give you permission to enjoy your fantasies is
you
. If you are worried about them, you might want to examine the reasons behind your concern. There are a few common anxieties people experience when it comes to fantasies.

Guilt That Fantasies Aren’t about Your Partner

I fantasize about people I know giving me oral sex, and about women giving me oral sex while an old flame watches and masturbates in a corner chair waiting to fuck me when I come. Oddly enough I have zero fantasies of my current partner. They are all of other people.

As noted earlier, many people’s fantasies don’t involve their current partners. There are no rules that say they should. We feel a sense of obligation to feature in our dreams the person we’re intimate with in real life. But just because you spend all day working for an auto-body shop doesn’t mean your daydreams have to all take place in cars. Perhaps you feel okay fantasizing about someone else while masturbating, but not during sex with your partner. You’ll certainly agree that fantasizing about someone else doesn’t mean your partner is dispensable or any less desirable, so why not just enjoy the fantasy as you would sex toys or erotic books and videos—as fun and easy ways to heighten your arousal. Trying to restrict your fantasy life only inhibits your experience of sex. If, however, you’d like your lover to figure into your fantasies, try substituting her or him in a leading role (or as a bystander) and see if you can sustain the charge.

If your partner is giving you grief about fantasizing about someone else, chances are he or she isn’t being honest about his or her
own
fantasies, or perhaps doesn’t fantasize at all. Try explaining that your fantasies aren’t an indication that you want someone else, they simply increase your sexual excitement, and in the end you both benefit. Reassure your partner of your affection and ask if he or she has any fantasies to share. If none of this works, you might be better off keeping your fantasies to yourself!

Anxiety Over Fantasies That Stray to Taboo or Forbidden Behaviors

Oh, dear. My sexual fantasies are totally politically incorrect and in the past have caused me to suffer guilt. I often fantasize about being completely under the control of a majestic woman. I also fantasize about multiple sex partners and prostitution.

This is probably the most common, troublesome impediment to enjoyment of our fantasies. Many of our customers punctuated their descriptions of unusual fantasies with the disclaimer “This is only a fantasy,” meaning “I would never do this in real life.” For most people, this reassurance is what enables them to push the boundaries of the erotic imagination.

Nonetheless, some people fear that if they are fantasizing about some taboo-breaking activity, they must harbor a secret desire to actually do it. There is absolutely no indication that having a fantasy automatically leads to acting on that fantasy. In fact you may fantasize about a specific scenario or activity precisely because it’s outside the realm of your experience. When Jack Morin surveyed men and women about their peak erotic experiences and their most arousing fantasies for his book
The Erotic Mind,
he found that power play was a key component in exciting fantasies twice as often as it was in real-life encounters. Certain themes that might be anxiety-provoking or inhibiting to enact in real life can be powerfully arousing in the security of our fantasies.

Taboo subject matter is infused with erotic significance almost by definition. The forbidden, the mysterious, and the dangerous possess a seductive appeal. As behaviors become less taboo, we are less likely to rely on them for fantasy material. Not long ago a woman showing a little leg from underneath heaps of petticoats would send a guy into erotic overload.

Fantasizing Too Much or Too Little

Some folks feel that they fantasize too much. Just as with masturbation, there are no standards against which to compare yourself. If your fantasies interfere with your ability to do anything else, then you’d be wise to seek professional help. If they’re not hurting anyone, and you just feel a guilty pleasure for having an active imagination, enjoy yourself—we salute your filthy mind!

If you feel that you don’t fantasize and would like to, you can stimulate your imagination in several ways. Focus on an erotic memory or scene from a sexy movie, read some literature, look at a magazine, or watch an X-rated video. Or pay attention to the thoughts and images that pass through your mind when you’re masturbating or having sex. You may be assuming that you don’t fantasize simply because you don’t have a full-fledged erotic movie running in your head, complete with plot and dialogue. Yet any image, memory, or fleeting thought that you use to heighten arousal counts as a fantasy.

There’s this guy on my school’s hockey team who totally has the Canadian lumberjack thing going on. We had sex once and it broke my bed. Basically, if I want to get off I just replay the fond memories I have of that night, and think about things we could do the next time we meet up.

My lover and I had returned from a weekend in Monterey where we had great sex and made some awesome memories. When I got into bed that night (alone; we don’t live together) my mind went back to the room, the hot tub, etc. I was so hot and so wet—it reminded me of the dreams that I’d occasionally have, because at this time, I wasn’t masturbating regularly. Looking back, I think this was the turning point in desiring to pleasure myself—I bought the vibrator shortly thereafter!

If you feel that fantasies aren’t necessary to your sexual enjoyment, that’s fine. Just as there are no rules against fantasizing, neither are there any saying it’s compulsory.

Anxiety over Fantasies You Don’t Want to Have

You may feel that the fantasy you use to get off is one you’d rather do without. Perhaps you’re a survivor of sexual abuse and your fantasy relates to the abuse. Maybe there’s an evil ex-lover dominating your erotic thoughts, and you wish he or she would find someone else’s dreams to haunt. Our sexual scripts are affected by the major emotional and psychological events in our lives, and it stands to reason that not all of these will be positive.

If you’re unable to accept your fantasies, or if they exacerbate a sense of low self-esteem or self-hatred, you can take steps to change your pattern. Attempt to separate your fantasy from your sexual activity. When you’re masturbating, concentrate on your physical feelings, and explore a full range of sensuous touch, rather than focusing solely on genital stimulation. If you find your attention wandering to undesirable thoughts or images, consciously guide it toward other less destructive, yet arousing, thoughts and images. Gaining control over problematic fantasies doesn’t mean you have to give up having a rich fantasy life. Read a variety of erotic literature or rent some adult videos to discover new images to supplant the old ones. To reprogram your fantasies, you’ll need to explore what it is that gives the current, troubling fantasies their erotic charge. Jack Morin’s provocative book
The Erotic Mind
has an excellent section devoted to transforming “troublesome turn-ons.” We can’t recommend this book highly enough to anyone who wants to learn more about the complex nature and power of the erotic imagination.
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex
is another excellent book that discusses troublesome fantasies.

What Now?

Perhaps you’ve been reading this chapter wondering, “How do people come up with this stuff?” Some folks are highly creative and capable of scripting incredible fantasies using only their imaginations. Others draw on dreams or memories of past sexual experiences. You can elaborate on the activity or change the characters, but the plot has already been written. Most of us do all of the above, as well as employing a variety of visual and written materials to fill our fantasy universe and heighten our arousal—a discussion of these erotic materials follows in the next chapter. Remember, the best thing about fantasies is the freedom they give us to be and act any way we want. A creative fantasy life contributes to a fulfilling, arousing sex life.

PROFILES
in
PLEASURE:

Erotica Readers and Writers Association

“The Web’s
anonymity really
freed women to
open up sexually.
Once women
realized that people
weren’t going to
say, ‘ooh look, she’s
such a slut,’ they
started signing up.”

I
t’s late at night, you’re in a sexy mood, but you just need a little erotic inspiration to jump-start your motor. Where to turn? If you’ve got a computer, you’re just a few clicks away from some of the steamiest fantasy material around. Surf over to Erotica Readers and Writers Association (ERWA), where you’ll find a collection of provocative erotic fiction, suggestions for music to liberate your libido, lively discussions of hot-button sex issues, adult video reviews from fans, and much more.

We’ve singled out ERWA because it has taken the best of what the Web has to offer—freedom of expression, anonymity, and community—and created a welcoming, interactive site that invites visitors to explore all facets of their sexual selves. Devoted primarily to explicit writing, ERWA is a welcome refuge for anyone looking for alternatives to the run-of-the-mill porn found on most adult sites. Some two thousand readers and writers visit the site daily, devouring the latest fiction, swapping writers tips, sharing fantasies about “sexy occupations,” or debating the merits of thong underwear.

Founded in 1996 by two women tired of reading romance stories that stopped just sort of sex, ERWA started as an online reading group offering women a safe place to express their sexuality. “The Web’s anonymity really freed women to open up sexually,” explains founder Adrienne Benedicks. “Once women realized that people weren’t going to say, ‘ooh look, she’s such a slut,’ they started signing up.” Before long, women discovered that this freedom, combined with exposure to a range of other sexual tastes, gave them a new sense of sexual adventure and confidence.

Unlike many other tasteful sex sites, ERWA does more than just post good erotica from a small pool of talented writers—it attempts to awaken the erotic muse in all its visitors. Readers are encouraged to tap into their own fantasies and participate in whatever way they feel comfortable: They can critique other writers’ erotica, pen a fantasy of their own, or start up a discussion about their favorite sexual practice. We especially like the collection of fans’ favorite sexy songs or lyrics—you would never expect to see a print anthology devoted to this topic—yet music, as ERWA points out, is a powerful erotic stimulus: “Music is an aphrodisiac that has an astounding effect on the libido, easily setting the mood for a sweet romantic interlude, or a savage raunchy screw.”

ERWA can be found at
www.erotica-readers.com
.

CHAPTER 15

Books, Magazines, and Videos

I first encountered the wondrous world of graphic erotica as a boy of 10 who filled his bike tires at a neighborhood gas station. The owner and some of his customers constantly played “pick up” games of poker, using one of those decks with amazingly candid black-and-white photographs of sex on the backs of all the cards. That was forty years ago and I still recall, vividly, and with no small excitement, a few of those breathtakingly arousing scenes.

This man eloquently demonstrates the power of visual or written imagery to elicit a sexual response. Not only can we enjoy heightened sexual arousal in the process of reading or viewing sexual materials, we can also store the memory to draw upon at a later time. You don’t have to lay in a lifetime supply of nasty playing cards, though; for many people, good fantasy material is as close as the nearest book, magazine, or video. Whether your preference is for romance novels, lesbian erotica,
Penthouse
letters, adult comix, underwear ads, or adult movies, you don’t have to look far to satisfy your tastes.

If you already use books or videos to spark your libido, this section may suggest additional materials you might enjoy. If you’ve never indulged in this pastime, you may end up with some ideas about how to start. If you’ve ever been surprised to find yourself aroused by something you had no idea was erotic, you may want to try some of the more explicit materials we recommend in this chapter. And if you aren’t at all interested in erotic books and videos, that’s fine. Porn isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and we don’t expect it to be. But if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of reading or viewing sexually explicit materials, and aren’t sure why, you may want to read on.