The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (8 page)

Spirogyra
.

Proteus flagella
.

Primitive life resembles His Noodliness
.

T
HE MAJORITY OF PROOFS
of His existence appear to come from scientists, and scientists appear, in large part, to come from colleges and universities. Therefore, we thought it would prove enlightening to look more closely at these institutes of higher learning and try to find some evidence of His Noodly Appendage at work.

We came up with some interesting results.

It is well known that college students are our best hope for the future.
¹
These intrepid individuals are willing to pay thousands of dollars of their parents’ money just to read books, so it goes without saying that learning is very important to them. But what exactly are they learning?

If you examine the research on this subject you will see that, while many students do
in fact spend time reading books of knowledge, they also spend equal or greater amounts of time drinking beer. You may ask what beer has to do with learning, and many doubters will argue that there’s no link whatsoever, but we have uncovered some surprising evidence for the benefits of beer consumption. Beer acts as an important nutritional supplement to the college student, but that’s not really important. Beer
²
is also the official beverage of Pirates, who are His Chosen People. With that in mind, we ask you: Could the Flying Spaghetti Monster be behind this? Is he trying to turn college students back into Pirates?

Furthermore, it’s an accepted fact that there are an uncanny amount of Ramen noodles and dried pastas on college campuses, which provide cheap nutrition for students, thus allowing them to afford more beer. This points yet another finger at the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s influence. Clearly, He is at work in our institutions of higher learning, and this can only bode well for the country’s future.

College costs money—a lot. Yet education in itself is not of much value. For example, we can look to the general public’s almost complete disregard for anything that educated people have to say about global warming, shrinking oil reserves, pollution, or the threat of nuclear annihilation. But if this is true, why does something as worthless as a college diploma cost so much money? To understand this question, we examined the unique and often bizarre relationship between college and money, and our research led us to an interesting finding.

It appears that a college education has been given an artificially high price tag in order to leave students with little money left over for the
basic requirements of living. Burdened by poverty, students are induced to drink cheap beer and eat pasta—in short, they are forced to act like Pirates and Pastafarians—and we can only conclude that this is some part of His greater plan to spread FSMism. If the students truly are our future, so, it would appear, is Pastafarianism.

Dollar bills, y’all
.

Food for the soul
.

Poorly evolved? … Or just lazy?

E
VOLUTIONISTS CONTEND
that flightless birds—for example, the kiwi bird of New Zealand—never developed the ability to fly. The old argument goes that, having no natural predators in their area, there was never a reason to evolve the ability.

While I’ll agree that I’ve never seen a kiwi bird fly, I disagree with the statement that they can’t fly. How do we know? Couldn’t it just be that they choose not to? You’ll never see me running, but there’s a good chance I could.

Kiwi birds, besides being completely spherical, are well known to be one of nature’s laziest animals. Consider the speed with which they are going extinct—it is almost as if they are trying to get eaten. I contend, then, that they
can
fly, but simply lack the proper motivation. So, to settle the debate once and for all, I’ve devised an experiment that any Evolutionist may carry out in an attempt to prove me wrong.

You will need as large a sample size as possible for this experiment, as some kiwis are bound to be lazier than others. Twenty to thirty is probably sufficient, but it’s better to err on the side of too many if you have a sufficient supply. Load the birds into the back of a truck and proceed to the highest cliff available—we want to give them as much motivation to fly as possible. After backing the truck to the edge of the cliff, incline the bed and dump the birds over the edge.

I suspect that the birds, seeing their fate rushing toward them at terminal velocity,
¹
will flap their “useless” wings and fly to safety.

Until such time as this experiment is carried out—or one similar to it—I will consider my hypothesis to be correct.

        
Five Thousand Years Ago: The Beginning

T
HE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
created the universe and a bunch of planets, including Earth. No one except Himself was around to see it, but we suspect it was rather dull. The initial creation, obviously, must have been spectacular, but He then spent the next ten to one hundred years painstakingly preparing the universe to appear older than it actually is. Photons were placed individually, en route to earth, ostensibly emitted millions of years ago from stars across the galaxy. In reality, we know that each photon was divinely placed and red-shifted
¹
appropriately to make the universe appear to be billions of years old. We are still finding His camouflage methods at work today; each time scientists discover apparent evidence of a billions-of-years-old universe, we can be assured that this is just more elaborate preparation He put in place.

Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, He was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Known as “scientists,” these nosy people have a sick need—probably sexually motivated
²
—to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.