The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (26 page)
Read The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Online
Authors: Bobby Henderson
To those hardened Evolutionists, we would remind you that we’re not saying Evolution couldn’t have happened—only that it is most likely a process guided by His Noodly Appendage. We know that the FSM may be working behind the scenes to make Evolution look plausible. We also know that He might not be doing so. The Flying Spaghetti Monster works in mysterious ways, and He definitely messes with stuff all the time, though we know not why.
To the proponents of Intelligent Design, we offer you this olive branch: Pastafarians support your argument that
only
teaching Evolution in schools unfairly discriminates against those with creation beliefs. We know about your efforts to develop a wedge strategy, whereby you seek to keep the Bible out of the discussion for now, instead concentrating on establishing “scientific” evidence of a creator. Pastafarians see the wisdom of this approach, and we offer our own fork strategy, in which we argue for the inclusion of supernatural explanations in science—thus opening the door for FSMism to be taught one day. Quite simply, we are brothers in this effort.
Everyone knows that theories aren’t the same as facts, and there is little doubt that alternative theories must be taught alongside more established ones. We’ve pointed to much evidence supporting His existence, certainly enough to get Pastafarianism included in the curriculum alongside Evolution and Intelligent Design. And when we turn our minds toward the world’s great religions, we can admit that the other ones are pretty good, but ours is still the Best. Religion. Ever. Why not teach all the theories and let the kids decide?
We hope you’ve enjoyed our book. If not, we hope that you’ve at least learned something. If you didn’t learn anything, it is our sincere wish that
The Gospel of the FSM
made you think. If you didn’t even have a thought, then there’s no doubt you’re a Born-Again Christian, in which case we hope that you’re able to keep off the crack long enough to get a vasectomy or have your tubes tied.
Okay, that last sentence was mean and I apologize. Pastafarians are a community of peaceful and open-minded worshippers, which means that anything we’ve said or done to offend people
1
was meant only in the spirit of promoting greater understanding and awareness. It has been said that the best sauce requires an occasional stir or two—wiser words have seldom been spoken—and so we have done our best to stir the waters of belief in the hopes of converting just a few more Pirates to His Noodly Goodness.
RAmen.
B
OBBY
H
ENDERSON
Prophet
1
. Including midgets, of course.
FSM effect on height (c) Tim Mak
Cave, Axial gallery, Lascaux (Montignac, Dordogne), France
Ferris P. Longshanks (c) Steve Luker/Dreamstime.com
Charles Darwin, by Julia Margaret Cameron/The Wellcome Library
Land mass chart (c) Simon Sullivan
Christopher Columbus, Artephot
Witch eating calculator (c) Tim Mak
FSMism venn diagram (c) Simon Sullivan
Evolution (c) Tim Mak
Pirate to man (c) Ed Crane
Why Do Men Have Nipples?
, courtesy of Crown Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
Temperature/Pirate graph (c) Simon Sullivan
ID graph (c) Simon Sullivan
Fish fossils (c) Randy Mckown/Dreamstime.com
Peter J. Snodgrass, Ph.D. (c) Wilmy van Ulft/Dreamstime.com
Imam Perez Jaffari (c) Fred Goldstein/Dreamstime.com
Christians/Pirates graph (c) Simon Sullivan
FSM wafer (c) Erich Schoeneweiss
Boiling water (c) Chris Schluep
String (c) Tim Mak
DNA (c) Dreamstime.com
Future man (c) Tim Mak
Pirate skull (c) Scott Rothstein/Dreamstime.com
Spirogyra, courtesy of David Polcyn, Ph.D., Professor of Biology, Chair, Department of Biology, California State University
Primitive life (c) Carolina K. Smith
Proteus flagella (c) Steven R. Spilatro, Marietta College
Uncooked spaghetti (c) Erich Schoeneweiss
Uncooked spaghetti in container (c) Erich Schoeneweiss
Kiwi (c) Tim Mak
Celtic cross (c) Lisa McDonald/Dreamstime.com
A Spirit Man Spearing Kangaroos, Western Arnhem Land, North Australia
Map of China, Werner Forman Archive
Egyptian hieroglyphics, D. Gagli Orti
Parthenon (c) Alison Frantz
The Creation of Adam
by Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel/Niklas Jansson,
http://www.venganza.org/images/spreadword/havetouched.jpg
The Founding Fathers, Wadsworth-Atheneum, Hartford, Connecticut
Benjamin Franklin Drawing Electricity from the Sky
by Benjamin West, The Philadelphia Museum of Art/Art Resource, New York
Japan surrenders WWII, National Archives and Records Administration
Einstein lectures, Messe Berlin
Moon landing, NASA
Plato (left) and Aristotle (right), detail from
The School of Athens
by Raphael
Leonardo Da Vinci, self portrait, Biblioteca Reale, Italy
Charles Darwin, The Granger Collection, New York
Sheep (c) Tim Mak
Desert (c) Wilmy van Ulft/Dreamstime.com
Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Department of Defense
Flying Spaghetti Monster by in-animator,
http://www.venganza.org/images/spreadword/obey1.jpg
Pirate/Temperature graph (c) Simon Sullivan
Pirate-fish design, Niklas Jansson
The Creation of Adam
by Michelangelo, Sistine Chapel/Niklas Jansson,
http://www.venganza.org/images/spreadword/havetouched.jpg
Pirate/Temperature graph (c) Simon Sullivan
Pirate-fish stencil photographs (c) Erich Schoeneweiss
Flying Spaghetti Monster simulacrum photographs (c) Erich Schoeneweiss
Pirate/Temperature graph (c) Simon Sullivan
Ocean-current maps (c) Simon Sullivan
FSM Heaven (c) Tim Mak
Pirate-fish design, Niklas Jansson
B
OBBY
H
ENDERSON
is twenty-five years old and lives in Corvallis, Oregon. He holds a B.S. in physics, and although he has received several job offers from Las Vegas gambling interests (really, we’re serious), he currently supports himself as a full-time prophet. Bobby got his start as a prophet in 2005, shortly after the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared before him and disclosed that He was the true creator of the universe. Satisfied that this was no hoax, Bobby mailed a letter to the Kansas school board in which he proposed that FSMism be taught alongside Evolution and Intelligent Design in high-school biology classes. To his great disappointment, he received no response from the school board regarding his revelation. So Bobby posted his open letter on the website
www.Venganza.org
(which can also be found through
www.FlyingSpaghettiMonster.com
), and soon he began hearing from other Pastafarians. It has been estimated that ten million people worldwide have been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
is Bobby’s first religious tome.
A Villard Books Trade Paperback Original
Copyright © 2006 by Bobby Henderson
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Villard Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
V
ILLARD
and “V” CIRCLED Design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to use preexisting material:
Kelly Black:
Proof entitled “The Case for the Church of the Immaculate Induction” by Kelly Black. Reprinted by permission of the author.
J. R. Blackwell:
Proof entitled “Evidence of the Baker” by J. R. Blackwell. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Alexis Drummond:
Proof entitled “Pirates and Faith” by Alexis Drummond. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Alexander Gross:
Proof entitled “FSM Theologebra” by Alexander Gross. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Jacob D. Haqq-Misra and Michael B. Larson:
Proof entitled “Piracy as a Preventor of Tropical Cyclones” by Jacob D. Haqq-Misra and Michael B. Larson. Reprinted by permission of the authors.
Kevin Heinright:
Proof entitled “A Twenty-first-Century Ontological Argument” by Kevin Heinright. Reprinted by permission of the author.
James Hofer:
Proof entitled “Mathematical Proof of the FSM” by James Hofer. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Toby Leonard:
Proof entitled “Of Penguins and Pasta” by Toby Leonard with editing by Jason Braunwarth. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Nick Moran:
Proof entitled “Life, Kolgoromov Complexity, and Delicious Spaghetti” by Nick Moran. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Landon W. Rabern:
Proof entitled “A Teleological Argument” by Landon W. Rabern. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Scott Stoddard:
Proof entitled “A Corporate Proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” by Scott Stoddard. Reprinted by permission of the author,
www.thefourthrow.blogspot.com
.
eISBN: 978-0-307-48556-4
v3.0
