The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (23 page)

More important, one myth made especially famous by
Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea
is maritime struggles with a giant squid. It is easy enough to take these claims at face value, but when one probes deeper some things become suspect. For instance, for decades the only evidence science has been able to offer are dead specimens. Why is it, all of a sudden after such a long search, that one was finally “discovered” alive? And what is a squid after all but a creature with many tentacles and giant eyes?

The truth, we Pastafarians know, is that this first myth of a giant squid was the Flying Spaghetti Monster revealing Himself unto His Chosen People. They were true believers in the power He held and of His Noodly Might, and so He granted them the rare and awesome opportunity of an audience. It has been speculated by many FSMist scholars that the first mention of an angry squid attacking a ship was in fact the Flying
Spaghetti Monster hugging the ship for its faithfulness, and a nearby naval vessel, which had been hoping to arrest these pious souls, mistook our Noodly Lord’s loving embrace for a cruel sea monster rather than the good and gracious Flying Spaghetti Monster that He is.

As for this evidence allegedly found by scientists, we are of the belief that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the one living example of a giant squid as a test to see who was a true believer. For those without faith, or whose faith was weak, the squid confirmed these myths. For those of us who wholeheartedly believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we knew that this was merely a false messiah with nothing but hollow promises and an unusual smell. It is this latter group who shall be truly rewarded for understanding that the Noodly Lord can create weird creatures like giant squids just as easily as He can plant “evidence” of a fossil record dating back what appears to be several thousand years, as well as make them seemingly link together in a systematic Evolutionary process. All dead specimens and infant specimens found of the giant squid are indeed bits of His Noodly Appendage that He has doffed, and by the miracle of Him they formed a creature similar to His shape, though nowhere near His perfection and beauty.

Now that we understand the importance of Pirates, we must turn to the dilemma of the decreased number of them in this world. True, there are many Internet Pirates bootlegging music and movies, but the overwhelming majority of them do not garb themselves in the regalia mandated by such a noble title. While we FSMists cannot condone any illegality on the behalf of these individuals, we would like to take this opportunity to encourage any who partake in these activities to find appropriate attire suitable for their profession.

In conclusion, Pirates are an essential part not only of our own faith, but of the welfare of our entire planet. Any devout Pastafarian ought to don piratical regalia on all religious holidays, as well as when preaching the Good Word to those who have not yet discovered the saving grace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. After looking at this overwhelming evidence and being touched by His Noodly Appendage, I can’t imagine who wouldn’t say “a Pirate’s life for me.”

If we were to walk along the beach together, holding hands, and were to find at our feet a German chocolate cake, we would undoubtedly be surprised. Our shock at finding this seductive pastry results from the inborn knowledge that cake does not rise from the sands unbidden. A cake must have a baker. We understand that cakes do not simply appear randomly out of the void because of their form and complexity; if the frosting were removed, or the butter replaced with tuna salad, what we would have before us would not be the delicious concoction that we call cake. It would be burned, unfrosted tuna, and that would be disappointing. There had to be a Baker for our cake, and further, since it is a glistening, moist German chocolate cake, there must also be Germans.

For we all also know that, like cake, chocolate is not naturally occurring. Chocolate must be created by Germans, people who have alchemic power over the raw substance of cacao, thus to make it into the divine element we know as chocolate. The process of making chocolate is a mystical one, as any process that creates such a delicious product must undoubtedly be. The creators of chocolate are almost as complex as the chocolate itself, and tracing this line of logic, we begin to comprehend that chocolate makers (Germans) must also have a Baker. The majestic nature of chocolate clearly points to a mystical origin, and since the world is full of majesty, we suddenly understand that this Baker must also be a source of great spiritual power as well.

This world, which is infinitely more complex than cake, even if the cake is both German and chocolate, cannot occur out of chance: It must have a divine Baker. There are levels of form and purpose that will not rise without the intervention of a Baker, and the world is full of such mixed and layered forms. The most striking of these forms is that of a Pirate.

Nothing but the divine could have created such a glorious creature as the Pirate, let alone a ship full of Pirates! Pirates could only have
been created by a divine Baker who, with His wisdom, applied levels of logic and organization to the completed life of all existence. A Pirate is made up of several distinct elements: his love for the sea, his fanciful attire, his endless search for booty, and his parrot. His love of the sea is complex, for, as he loves the lady of the sea, breaking her maidenhead with each thrust of his prow, he also scorns her, as she brings him storms and danger. A Pirate has fanciful costume; sashes and golden rings that could not have emerged from the void, but have a form and function made specifically for the body of the Pirate. His lustful search for booty borders on an obsession, an endless quest for the hidden island that rumors say contains a cursed treasure. It seems contradictory that a Pirate would search for cursed treasure, but that in itself is evidence of the divine plan of our Baker.

Even the parrot that sits perched on the Pirate’s shoulder is masterfully formed, a creature able to mimic the Pirate’s own words, lending an ominous weight to their meaning. Such a bird could not have been created from a process by which elements available in the primordial stew of a young earth experienced passing electrical currents that stimulated them to form a variety of molecules, including a self-replicating molecule, which, over time, produced varieties that competed with one another for resources, becoming ever more complex through competition and mutation, some of which developed strategies involving cooperation for an advantage in the replication process, an advantage that produced an interactive whole that could have developed limbs for movement, light-sensitive cells that eventually became eyes, and bright colorful feathers that would be used to attract mates and thus continue the process of replication originated in those basic self-replicating molecules of the primordial stew.
No!
That explanation is far too complex to be accurate, and moreover, I don’t understand it, so it must be wrong.

What I do understand is cake. Cake, especially German chocolate cake, is scrumptious and was made by a Baker. The theory of science speculates that at the creation of things, there was a Big Bang. Could we not see this as a Big Baking? What of the Baker? Who, at the beginning
of time, baked all things, completed the mixing, and rolled out the world, giving it a warm center and a crispy crust? Who was this Baker, this elemental divinity who created the world? Our only explanation for this Baker is the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the creature that mystically baked the world into being. Holy men with the gift of sight are able to discern the teachings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. These holy men are good guys, not above lending a ten-spot or buying a guy a beer. To say that they are wrong, that what they preach is not complete fact, is to say that they are evil liars, which I will not stand by and listen to you say about our holy men.

Scientists claim that the creation of the earth was something involving math or chemicals. I find math and the physical sciences to be irritating, and those scientists, none of whom have ever lent me a ten-spot, are stuck-up jerks who are blind to the truth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. How many elephants had to die to make their ivory towers? Jerks.

Evidence of a Holy Baker is in our world, in cake and in chocolate. Scientists tell us that the world was a stew, when I think it is clearly a layered cake. They have the stew idea, and I have a theory that stands by cake. Who but the divine, who was actually there, could say which one of us is right? Cakes are made by mortal bakers, chocolate is divinely mixed by Germans, and Pirates are inexplicably complex. All these factors lead us to the conclusion that our world was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who, in His wisdom, baked us all.

Recent hurricane seasons have been characterized by intense and frequent tropical cyclones. One contributor is the increased sea-surface temperature, which is caused by decreased upwelling of cold deep-ocean water. We demonstrate that decreased Pirate activity results in less upwelling. This suggests that the only viable solution to intense tropical cyclones is to increase Pirate activity
.

The destructiveness of the 2004 and 2005 hurricane seasons has heightened public and scientific awareness of the possible long-term consequences of global warming. Although the link between hurricane strength and global warming remains speculative, recent work has shown that hurricanes have intensified over the past thirty years (Emmanuel, 2005), with an increase in the number of category 4 and 5 hurricanes and a decrease in those classified as categories 1 and 2. Emmanuel (1987) argued that hurricane intensity is a function of the sea surface temperature (SST) which, of course, increases as the earth warms. But other factors are important as well. Lighthill et al. (1994) pointed out that while a lower SST limit of 26°C is required for tropical cyclone formation, several other key factors contribute to formation and intensity.

The increase in global average temperature is well correlated with a decrease in global Pirate population, as evident in
Figure 1
(Henderson 2006).

Figure 1

Piracy decreases the average SST by inducing upwelling of cold deep-ocean water. Various Pirate activities contribute to upwelling. These include involuntary crew resignation, intervessel interactions, and acoustically transmitted oscillations (Bligh, 1789; Stevenson, 1883).

Involuntary crew resignation
(ICR, aka “walking the plank”) involves a Pirate or captive being forcibly ejected from a vessel at sea. This results in upwelling from displacement of water by the ejectee (Archimedes, c. 250 b.c.e.).

Intervessel interactions
(IVI, aka “sea combat”) consists of transmission of projectiles between vessels, resulting in destruction or boarding. Upwelling is caused by scattered projectiles and by sinking of vessel elements.

Acoustically transmitted oscillations
(ATO, aka “sea shanties”) were originally intended to boost morale of rowing Pirates. They have assumed ritual functions with the ascent of external power supplies. ATOs produce upwelling by disturbing the sea surface. This increases motion of large biological entities (“fish” or “whales”), producing displacement.

We have modeled Pirate-induced upwelling using the PARROT (Piratic Activity Realization Rate of Oceanic Tendencies) oceanic circulation
model (Haqq-Misra et al., 2006). This model has 0.5° resolution and accurately reproduces present-day ocean currents (
Figure 2a
).