The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (25 page)

Now, why must a perfect being be composed of the perfect food? The argument is surprisingly straightforward. Since food is necessary for life, and life is more perfect than nonlife, food is the fundamental substance, or substratum, of all living things. All living things are made of food. The perfect being exists, and because it is a being (rather than a nonbeing, such as a very small rock), it is necessarily alive. But of what shall our most perfect being be made? The most perfect food. Hence, the perfect being is made of some kind of pasta.

Another perfection is gravity resistance. Modern science holds that gravity is a “weak” force. However, this is in clear contradiction to the evidence. Anyone who has ever climbed a flight of stairs, fallen from a great height, or hiked up a mountain can attest that gravity is a strong force indeed. The scientific elites tell us otherwise, but the contradictions in modern physics are evident to even the most casual observer. If gravity were a weak force, then surely the rotation of the earth would cast us all into space. Does electromagnetism keep Mount Everest in its place? Even a child can see the contradictions here. Only someone with an overabundance of education could deny the evidence of their senses in such an absurd way. Contrary to modern physics (which is corrupted by naturalism, Evolutionism, and antipastaism), gravity is the strongest force in the universe. Surely, then, a perfect being is capable of resisting the greatest force in His creation. Hence, our perfect being is capable of gravity resistance (that is, flight).

We hope this essay enables the reader to see the rational necessity of belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The truths of this world are not difficult to find, and much effort (and money!) could be saved if we were willing to accept the futility and error of so-called “scientific” reasoning and spend our time in careful contemplation of His Noodly Greatness.

Arghh.

Note: The arguments, which demonstrate that a perfect being would require mortals to dress as Pirates, are too obvious to merit inclusion in this essay. This derivation is left for the reader.

On the matter of spheres of meaty substance in the pasta matrix, we remain agnostic. One must not extend one’s reasoning beyond what is available in terms of first principles and evidence. Some room must be left for faith.

Proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s existence:

Given:

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is frequently represented as FSM.

Existence is the opposite of nonexistence, or therefore not Null.

Null is frequently represented as 0.

We will use
to show nonequivalence.

  Therefore to prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists, we must prove that:

In physics, force is equal to mass time acceleration, or F = MA. Bobby Henderson is a physics graduate, so we can substitute this into the above equation, giving us:

MASM is the microsoft assembler, which most definitely exists, therefore MASM
0. Microsoft is one of the most successful businesses in history, undoubtedly as a result of their secret ties to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Einstein’s equation E = MC
²
can also be substituted into the above equation.

It’s obvious that both the FCC and the SEC exist—just ask Howard Stern and Martha Stewart—government agencies that seek to control
things, much like the Noodly Master. What most people don’t know is that FSE/CC is Federation of Swaziland Employers and Chamber of Commerce. The king of Swaziland recently picked a new wife by having thirty thousand women walk topless in front of him. This is obviously because he is a devout follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and, knowing about the Stripper Factory in Heaven, wanted to create Heaven on earth.

Thus, since we have shown that MASM, FCC, SEC, and FSE/CC all exist, we have proven that FSM
0 and the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists.

I just celebrated my one-year anniversary with my current employer. Actually, I completely forgot, but they did not. I received a very nice, but god-awful useless, sterling-silver key chain with the company logo. It’s nice to be appreciated. It also got me thinking.

If everything on earth is God’s handiwork, then He really is the worst kind of micromanager. I don’t want to believe that.

Let’s assume that God exists. Can’t prove it. Can’t disprove it. Doesn’t hurt to think that there is an all powerful deity with a corner office somewhere out there in the cosmos.

Now, THE UNIVERSE is a pretty big place. It probably isn’t a privately held company. I’d be willing to bet that THE UNIVERSE incorporated years ago. In a business model, God would be the CEO.

That would make God accountable to the Board of Directors of THE UNIVERSE, INC.

Who makes up this board? What are their terms of office? And for that matter, would we, as residents of THE EARTH, be considered stockholders or employees of the corporation? Let’s assume employees. I know I’ve never received any dividends or letters of proxy.

I think that everyone would agree that THE EARTH is a dangerous place. Humanity is continually trying to destroy itself. Throw in a bitchy Mother Nature with her tsunamis, earthquakes, and hurricanes, and you have what any businessman would call a high-risk venture.

So now, the main question is this:

Would God, the CEO of THE UNIVERSE, INC., take a hands-on approach to the creation and management of THE EARTH?

I think not.

God, being the smart CEO we all know he is, would most likely have handed the project off to a Vice President for Strategic Development of THE UNIVERSE, INC. This would, of course, limit God’s liability to the Board of Directors of THE UNIVERSE, INC.

In turn the VP, not wanting to be immersed in a corporate scandal should anything go wrong, probably had Accounting form a shell corporation called THE EARTH, INC., and promoted some hot-shot middle manager to oversee the whole thing. I believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is this manager.

The FSM, wanting to spread the wealth, brings over some of his buddies, who might be great guys to go drinking with, but who really aren’t suited for managing an entire planet. This would explain famine, disease, suffering, and stupidity—corporate cronyism at its worst.

Don’t you think this theory of Intelligent Design just fits together a little more soundly than God Himself creating THE EARTH, INC.?

If we make it to another millennium without folding, do we all get silver key chains?

D
EAR
N
EWLY
C
ONVERTED
R
EADER
,

I think it’s safe to say that FSMism is not only a groundbreaking religion but the only one supported by hard science. This makes it probably the most unquestionably true theory ever put forth in the history of humankind. And yet we find doubters and naysayers galore, mostly in the form of Evolutionists, ID supporters, and members of other religions. But we live in America, a country founded on, among other things, the idea of religious freedom. We have laws to protect people against religious persecution.

In spite of these laws, you may encounter people who disagree with your right to miss school or work every Friday, to wear an eye patch in public, to talk like a pirate, etc. Your first step should always be to tell these sceptics a little about our beliefs. They may simply convert to FSMism, in which case your problem is solved. But sometimes it’s not that easy. If, after learning about our religion, people still refuse to allow you to express your constitutionally protected right of freedom of religion, then you should write a letter. If you’re in school, write a letter to the principal, copying the superintendent of the school district, as well as your local chapter of the ACLU. If you’re at work, write to your supervisor, copying the company’s director of human resources—and, again, forward a copy to the ACLU. The important thing is not to sit back and let your rights be trampled on.