The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (18 page)

The noodly strands are made exactly the same way as the noodly loops, except that you tie the uncut bands onto a cut band instead of an uncut one. Use fewer bands for a noodly strand and concentrate them at the end of the cut band. Use about eight bands
.

Tie the noodly strands to the pipe cleaner, one on each side of the noodly loop
.

Insert the fluff balls into the sides of the noodly loop
.

Bend the pipe cleaner to make the eyestalks. If your noodly strands hang down too low, you may need to tie them up at the middle
.

The completed FSM simulacrum
.

I
NEVITABLY, THE MATTER OF MONEY
will come up, and many will find it hard to believe that FSM is a free religion: Indeed, no tithing is expected. Apparently our God is in a better financial position than Jesus, just to name an example. Churches are expensive, obviously, and ours—a Pirate Ship
¹
—will require more upkeep than a conventional church, but the funds will come from unsolicited donations rather than expected contributions. No Pastafarian will ever endure the expectant look of a collection-holding, blue-haired old bat, as is customary among some of the other major religions. If members don’t want to contribute to the cause, they don’t have to. Freeloaders will be welcome aboard the Ship—however they most certainly will not be allowed to touch the cannons. There has to be some motivation to contribute, after all.

Still, we are not above devising certain fund-raising schemes to ensure that we can obtain as big and as glorious a Pirate Ship as possible. The sale of T-shirts helps. Also, coffee mugs and bumper stickers are effective. But FSMism is a highly international and Web savvy church, and we seek to utilize those attributes to bring in a particularly big windfall.

Our idea for a major new fund-raising campaign involves time travel and the lottery. Ever since the world was discovered to be round, scientists and explorers have known that there are times when it is Tuesday in one place yet it remains Monday somewhere else. We plan on turning this often ignored fact to our advantage. By using super-fast Internet connections, we will have foreign Pastafarians on, say, Tuesday morning look up what the winning lottery numbers were and send them back to us where it’s still Monday (i.e., in the past). This scheme will require a lot of cooperation on the part of Pastafarians, and we are certainly up to the task. While some may question the ethics of such a plan, we argue that our ethical standards are rock solid when compared to tel-evangelical Christians who garner a fair amount of their wealth from recently cashed Social Security checks.

P
ASTOVER
is a religious holiday analogous to the Jewish holiday of Passover, as well as the Christian holiday of Easter. During this time, Pastafarians across the globe are encouraged to eat copious amounts of pasta, usually spaghetti, which is cooked “in His image” by family members dressed as Pirates. Pastover celebrates the time when the Flying Spaghetti Monster first began touching people with His Noodly Appendage. Many stories about this momentous occasion have been passed down through the centuries, and it is interesting to note that they are all completely different. Some are hardly even intelligible. Regardless of one’s version of the story, however, all true believers partake of the pasta and perform the ritual Passing of the Eye Patch, in which each member at the table takes a turn wearing an eye patch and talking about why he or she is happy to have been touched.

R
AMENDAN
is analogous to the Islamic period of fasting, prayer, and charity known as Ramadan. Ramendan comes around the same time as Ramadan, and indeed the two holiday periods have their similarities. One of the major differences between the two, however, is that Pastafarians do not fast or pray, as doing so would conflict with their flimsy moral standards. Instead, Pastafarians spend a few days of the month eating only Ramen noodles and remembering back to their days as starving college students. This simple act teaches
Pastafarians to be happy about what they’ve accomplished, and if they haven’t accomplished anything yet, to at least be happy that they are Pastafarians. Ramendan is the least commercial of the Pastafarian holidays, which is saying a lot, since you aren’t going to see a Pastover sale at Macy’s any time soon. At the end of Ramendan, Pastafarians are encouraged to give their extra Ramen to those who are more needy.

H
ALLOWEEN
is an important Pastafarian holiday because it honors the time when Pirates roamed the earth in freedom. Pirates were His Chosen People, and their dwindling numbers have had a direct effect on the world around us. It can be safely assumed that the recent spate of earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters, as well as the advent of global warming, can all be traced back to the alarming decrease in Pirates worldwide. Pastafarians often dress up as Pirates on Halloween and pass out candy to children. Indeed, it is a little known fact that the original Pirates were well known for passing out candy to children, but that practice grew less common as they became persecuted. During Halloween, Pastafarians are urged to travel their neighborhoods, if not the Seven Seas, in search of wenches and grog.

I
NTERNATIONAL
T
ALK
L
IKE A
P
IRATE
D
AY
takes place every September 19 and is a fine day for Pastafarians to celebrate their Pirate roots. Much like Halloween, Pastafarians are encouraged to seek out wenches and grog on this holiday; candy is optional. It should also be noted that International Talk Like a Pirate Day might be a good time for evangelical work, as grog weakens even the most hardened mind and makes people more open to alternative viewpoints like Pastafarianism. It is estimated that one half of annual conversions to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster take place on this day.

F
RIDAY
is the holiest of the Pastafarian holidays and takes place each week. During this High Day, Pastafarians are encouraged to take it easy and, if possible, try to find some sun. Fridays are dedicated to the ideals
beholden in the Beer Volcano and the Stripper Factory, and one can do no more to honor His Noodly Appendage than to observe Fridays with the utmost of piety.

H
OLIDAY
encompasses pretty much all of the big commercial holidays celebrated by the other religions. Holiday stretches over most of December and January, and it is interesting to consider how much this Pastafarian religion has spread over the last couple of years. In fact, many schools and businesses refer not to the “Christmas season,” but to the Pastafarian “Holiday season” instead. This is strong evidence of our rapid growth, and we feel that a special thanks should go out to Wal-Mart, who rejected the Christian phrase “Merry Christmas” in favor of the Pastafarian greeting “Happy Holidays.” We appreciate your support.

P
ASTAFARIANS DON’T REST ON THEIR LAURELS
. Sure we’ve got lots of proofs already, but we can never truly stop our effort to spread His Word (unless it’s a Friday).

String theory—all matter is created of little noodlelike strings. Coincidence?

Bacteria flagella—can anything that complex and noodlelike have happened by accident? Heresy.

But obviously we need more evidence of His existence, and so we have established the Enlightenment Institute—a think tank devoted to proving our a priori assumption that He exists, using all available specious arguments and circular logic to do so. In case you haven’t been paying attention, this approach is totally legit in matters of religion, and has gained increased legitimacy in politicized science. This important work has been taken up by some of the greatest minds available to us.

What follows are proofs that have been submitted to the Enlightenment Institute’s publishing arm, the
Science Creative Quarterly
, the first science publication to take notice of the obvious legitimacy of FSM. They are the rare and hard-won fruits of some of the greatest thinkers at work in the world today.