Read The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Online
Authors: Bobby Henderson
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (16 page)
B
UDDHISM
, like FSMism, is a highly peaceful religion. Buddhists practice much meditation, and we suggest that the best way to allow for them to be touched by His Noodly Appendage is simply to share His favorite meal. After a couple of healthy portions of pasta, watch the Buddhist slip into a food coma, which is very much like experiencing meditation. When he comes out of it, he will most certainly have received enlightenment.
J
EWS
are an interesting group to consider. They’re certainly a driven bunch, often highly educated and well connected. For the highly educated Jews, simply follow the advice given above under “Academics.” They will enjoy the empirical evidence that we provide them, and will surely adopt Pastafarianism for themselves. For Orthodox
Jews, point out the tzitzit
11
that they wear. Moses himself was told to wear one, and the strings do resemble His Noodly Appendages, so we can only assume that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made the suggestion in the first place. Those trendy Kabbalists wear red strings around their wrists to ward off the evil eye. Red is the color of His sauce, and string is the shape of His spaghetti, proving that even Madonna has been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
J
AINISM
is perhaps the ultimate pacifist religion. They don’t believe in violence of any kind. They only eat vegetables. Some of them don’t even wear clothes. They’re like the three-toed sloths of religious people. Approach them slowly, for they’re known to spontaneously burst into tears. Talk to them quietly about our nonviolent and all-inclusive policies. Don’t mention the Pirates. Offer them some vegetable Ramen. The Jains are often starving and will appreciate the food.
S
HINTOISM
is the official religion of Japan.
12
Yet it’s interesting to note that a large percentage of Japanese people practice both Shintoism and Buddhism. This makes Shintoists an easy target. Simply suggest that they adopt a third religion: Pastafarianism. Again, offer them some Ramen. Japanese people love it.
R
ASTAFARIANS
are loosely organized and not particularly widespread. Because a large concentration of Rastafarians lives in the Caribbean, a key habitat of Pirates, Pastafarians and Rastafarians appear to intermingle quite well. The best thing to do when converting Rastafarians is to wait. Once they’ve got the munchies, offer them some Ramen. Mention how the two religions rhyme. Point to Bob Marley’s dreadlocks and compare them to the Noodly Appendaged FSM. We actually believe that most Rastafarians are Pastafarians already.
S
CIENTOLOGISTS
are best left alone.
Hindu gods appear to be patterned after the FSM
.
In summary, there are several ways to spread His Word. Depending on the location, it might be safer to post flyers, posters, brochures, etc.,
rather than confronting strangers. However, while anonymously planted flyers and brochures may convert a few people, they’re probably not enough to convert those with a more skeptical mind. Our religion is, after all, admittedly hard to believe at first. But no one ever said that faith was easy, and having several packs of delicious, ready-to-cook Ramen around you at all times will help. Person-to-person evangelizing is a necessary method of outreach, as there are some people who will not allow themselves to be touched by His Noodly Appendage unless you’re right there, putting it in their face.
I can honestly say that I’ve received much more flak over the term
midgets
from fully grown (oftentimes fat) people than from “little people” themselves. One could make the argument that the little person community
13
itself is not concerned with such petty matters of political correctness. And while that is a valid and probable explanation, in the name of full disclosure, I would like to note that my hearing is not the best, and that if an angry little person has ever confronted me over the term
midget
, I may not have noticed, as I generally look straight ahead. At any rate, until such time as a little person himself asks me to stop,
14
I will continue to use the term
midget
as often as possible.
1
. The eye patch is a constant reminder that others don’t see the world the same way we do. Not yet, at least.
2
. Might be prudent to try out rehab clinics—Christians have had some success with this, with drug addicts comprising some 90 percent of Born Agains.
3
. Possible exception in the ironically named “Bible belt” region of the southern United States, where most older women are well known to be alcoholics and raging lesbians. Source: Jerry Springer.
4
. Gay and lesbian people are as welcome as anyone else in our church, and they are also as welcome as their straight counterparts to become clergy.
5
. This is accepted practice in matters of religion. Consider the number of Scientologist eunuchs, and how the church wisely avoids mentioning up front the requirement that males donate their testicles a few years after joining.
6
. Just a coincidence put in place by the FSM, we’re sure.
7
. He Would Convert to FSM.
8
. If anything, He should be paying attention to the news.
9
. See Diego Maranara’s “Noodle of God.” Argentina vs. England, June 22, 1986.
10
. Although Saddam does kind of resemble a Pirate, he most certainly is not a Pasta-farian.
11
. A traditional garment with long trailing strings.
12
. Coincidentally, Japan is the official country of Ramen.
13
. Located primarily at the North Pole.
14
. I suggest either a sign firmly attached to a meter stick, or in the unlikely but awesome occasion of two little people, please consider sitting atop the other’s shoulders. I absolutely guarantee my full attention in this case.
As intrepid soldiers of the FSM, we come armed only with our faith,
numerous examples of observable evidence, and maybe some
Ramen or placards. In addition, we have pamphlets, which reduce
our message to easily digestible sound bites. Turn the page and
read on. Feel free to copy these pamphlets for your own
evangelical work. Consider them to be
extensions of His Noodly message
.
RAmen
FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTERISM
Have you been touched by His Noodly Appendage?
_________________________________________
THE CHURCH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
There are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. Many people around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing toward Evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
WHAT ELSE SHOULD I KNOW?
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over ten million of us, and growing. We tend to be
very
secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.
SCIENTIFIC PROOF
He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75 percent of the carbon-14 had decayed by electron emission to nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that
every
time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is, of course, invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
MORE PROOF WITH A GRAPH!!
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct result of the shrinking number of Pirates since the 1800s.
The graph above shows the approximate number of Pirates versus the average global temperature over the last two hundred years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
We are sure you now realize how important it is that this alternate theory is spread. It is absolutely imperative that everyone realizes that observable evidence is at the discretion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which, of course, is full Pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as we have run out of space. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
CONCLUSION
Thank you for taking the time to read about our views and beliefs. We hope this pamphlet was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to our children and to everyone. We can all look forward to the time when the three theories of creation are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world: one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
“If Intelligent Design is taught in schools, equal time should be given to the FSM theory and the non-FSM theory.”
—Douglas Shaw, Ph.D
“Do not be hypocritical. Allow equal time for other alternative ‘theories’ like FSMism, which is by far the tastier choice.”
—J. Simon, Ph.D
.
“In my scientific opinion when comparing the two theories, FSM theory seems to be more valid than the classic ID theory.”
—Afshin Beheshti, Ph.D
.
WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING
“As a scientist, I’d like to say that the currently accepted scientific theory is Evolution. But some competing ideas have been proposed, such as ID and FSMism, and discussion to include one should include the other, as these ideas are equally valid.”
—Mark Zurbuchen, Ph.D
.
“It seems to me the FSM theory is MUCH more plausible than the non-FSM ID theory, because it is the only one of the two that takes into account all the discrepancies between ID and measurable objective reality.”
—Douglas Shaw, Ph.D
.
“All points of view should be available to students studying the origins of mankind.”
—Senator John McCain
“[Evolution] is not a fact … .We’re dealing with censorship here. If we only taught Shakespeare in English class, that wouldn’t be fair.”
—Senator Chris Buttars
“At one time, I believed as the Aztecs did, that the universe was created by two gods, Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca, who attacked and ripped apart Hungry Woman to create the universe. Then I believed, as the Moriori do, that the universe was created when Papa and her husband Rangi hugged and bore children … .However, my views have been swayed by … the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). I am firmly convinced that the evidence … has many of the trappings of science, and I therefore support the inclusion of FSM creation evidence in the Kansas science curriculum and standards.”
—Sebastian Wren, Ph.D
.
“MMMMMmmmmm, spaghetti.”
—H. Neville, Ph.D
.
WHY YOU SHOULD CONVERT TO FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTERISM
Flimsy moral standards.
Every Friday is a religious holiday.
Our Heaven is WAY better. We’ve got a Stripper Factory AND a Beer Volcano.
WE ARE ALL HIS CREATURES
How was the universe created?
What is the origin of species?
Why does empirical evidence seem to support theories like Evolution, gravity, and quantum mechanics?
Why has the earth seen an increase in global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters since the 1800s?
What’s with the full Pirate regalia?
Open up for the answers to these questions and more!
EXCERPTED FROM BOBBY HENDERSON’S OPEN LETTER TO THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD
I am writing to you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution …
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we seeand all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing toward Evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing to you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith but on another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our
beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over ten million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75 percent of the carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is, of course, invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full Pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking number of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of Pirates versus the average global temperature over the last two hundred years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature.
