The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (15 page)

We will now go through the various faiths and make suggestions for missionaries. As noted above, interacting with other faiths is a touchy subject, as most people who have already found religion believe unquestionably that theirs is the correct one. This is due to the fact that most mainstream religions have successfully convinced their followers that faith—belief not supported by evidence—is a good thing. And so, in the process of converting, say, a Christian to a Pastafarian, not only do you have to convince them to believe in a different God, but you also have to convince them that strong belief without basis, while admittedly more comfortable than thinking, is not our way of doing things. In other words, Pastafarians reject dogma outright. So what it comes down to is that, even if your potential convert accepts the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he may be unwilling to let go of his dogmatic belief system—having grown accustomed to having his moral values decided for him. It is at the least an uphill battle. That doesn’t mean we don’t try, though. Pastafarians love a challenge.

Choosing a target takes some psychology. Some religions are more open than others. Luckily, it’s not hard to discern what is considered acceptable in each religion. M
ORMONS
, for example, prefer to discuss faith door-to-door with strangers. It follows then that, since this is their chosen method of discourse, they would welcome Pastafarian visitors showing up unannounced at their doorsteps. We suggest arriving as early as possible to make a good impression. Anyone can get up at noon, but it takes dedication and character to make a five a.m. visit. Your potential ex-Mormon/new-Pastafarian converts are likely to notice
this and be impressed. It also may not hurt to bring along some orange soda—it’s like crack for Mormons. No one knows why exactly, although scientists tell us it probably has something to do with the genetic anomalies caused by generations of endogamous polygamy.

Moving on to
C
HRISTIANS
, it seems that they for the most part don’t do door-to-door missionary work, and so we can take a guess that they prefer privacy in their homes. However, it’s a different story out in public. Christians can often be found spreading their faith around town, occasionally from elected government positions. We can gather from this that Christians value expressing their faith to the public, and so it follows that they would appreciate this behavior in members of other religions, specifically FSMism.

Take, for instance, a group of Christians on a downtown street corner some Friday night, respectfully protesting passing partygoers with helpful, nonjudgmental signs such as the party ends in hell and repent sinners: the party ends in hell. These messengers feel so strongly about sharing their interpretation of the Christian faith with strangers that they stand out in the cold for hours. Such open-minded, sharing people are ripe targets for an FSM conversion attempt.

We suggest emulating their behavior as much as possible. Make your own signs, but with our beliefs instead. Think of it as a cultural exchange where both parties can learn about each other’s beliefs. And it is a great opportunity to explore differences and similarities for ongoing conversion efforts. For example, our Christian street-corner friends may think beer drinking is wrong, as evidenced by their warnings of eternal hellfire damnation—an obvious but not insurmountable difference from our view, which is that beer rules. And while there may be numerous opposing views such as these, there are going to be some similarities, too. Christians believe in a Heaven—floating on clouds and filled with sunshine and happiness and whatever else—with admission strictly enforced by a judgmental God, morals being a large factor in determining if the new arrival will be let in or instead face an eternal burning lake of fire. Pastafarians also believe in a Heaven, and now you see that we have a similar view that we can build upon. While it’s true
that the FSM Heaven is thought to be quite different, featuring a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, among other attractions, these are details that don’t necessarily have to be fully disclosed right away.
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Christians make up a large percentage of the world population, so obviously we are going to be dealing with them a lot. The majority of them, unfortunately, are not out evangelizing on street corners, just waiting to be converted. Most are more conservative, preferring only to be told how to think rather than telling others how to think. At first it may seem that this group is ideal to be assimilated into the FSM religion, as we could, in theory, simply tell them new things to think. But remember, FSMism is a fundamentally different type of religion.

We don’t tell people how to think, and—we can’t say it enough—we reject dogma outright. Our principles preclude us from claiming we know any truths. Instead, we make a strong argument for our beliefs, with the realization that they could be wrong. Our beliefs are based purely on empirical observation, and so it would be dishonest to attempt to convert the conservative dogma-loving Christian populace in this way.

Also, please note that by us claiming that the majority of Christians prefer dogmatic belief to free thought, we are in no way trying to put them down or belittle their beliefs. Dogma admittedly serves a number of functions—primarily societal control—and allows followers to have a rigid set of moral and behavioral guidelines. For many people this is not only comforting but necessary—specifically for Born Agains, the majority of whom would be in jail were it not for the Church’s dogmatic message to stop doing crazy shit. I am sure I’m not alone when I say that I’d rather have the Born Agains running the school boards than stealing my car stereo for drug money. So in that respect, dogma is not all bad.

Born Again nuts aside—as far away as possible—many Christians accept the Church for legitimate reasons. In some cases, they truly believe what they’re fed as truth, and so it’s never an issue. Others accept the Church for the amount of uncomfortable thinking it allows them to avoid. And then there are some Christians who enjoy the social benefits
of a dictated belief system, but at the same time don’t actually blindly accept what is presented as incontrovertible truth. These open-minded members are our most likely converts to the Church of FSM. These people will largely not accept the Bible as being literally true—for some reason finding it unlikely, for example, that the first human female was created from a rib, or that the entire earth was flooded. In short, they are Christians but have not been infected with dogma, and so are still able to think freely. They are prime candidates for conversion to FSM.

The problem, of course, is separating the moderate, open-minded Christians from the dogmatic, close-minded ones. Luckily this has already been done for us. We need only visit universities or bookstores, or similar locations—places where independent thought is held in high regard and where intelligent, educated people tend to congregate. There will be very few dogma-minded people here.
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These
M
ODERATE
C
HRISTIANS
should require only the minimum of effort to be converted. Being open-minded and intelligent, they will quickly see the benefits of a belief system based on empirical evidence. A religion that holds one of its highest tenets to be the rejection of dogma in its entirety is one not likely to be infested by close-minded fools, and moderate Christians will appreciate this.

The sticking point, perhaps not surprisingly, may be Jesus. An all-but-ready convert who likes the ideology, and probably Pirates as well, may not let herself join because she feels a connection to the Christian Jesus. That’s understandable. And remember that it’s not our place, as Pastafarians, to tell anyone that their beliefs are wrong. Our role is simply to present our views, not to judge anyone else’s views, and certainly not to push our beliefs on others. That being said, it’s our duty to make as strong an argument as possible for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As such, if you find yourself in a missionary position with a moderate Christian, I think it’s appropriate to note that the FSM, being all powerful, could easily have disguised Himself as Jesus and set in place the events that now form the basis of Christianity. If that’s the case—and it seems entirely plausible—converting to FSMism would be more consistent with Christianity than worshipping the FSM-placed Christian God.

And lastly, you might ask a moderate Christian a question that they’ve undoubtedly heard before. What would Jesus do?

We suggest that Jesus would have taken a look at the direction things are going and converted to FSMism. Our beliefs and rejection of dogma are much more consistent with his ideology than much of modern-day dogmatic Christianity. And we find it hard to believe that Jesus would approve of a great deal of the politics enacted ostensibly on his behalf. And he probably wouldn’t take kindly to the wars that have been fought in his name either.

WWJD?

HWCTFSM.
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B
ORN
A
GAINS
present a different set of challenges. While technically belonging to the Christian faith, they are a separate entity unto themselves. We are hesitant even to refer to them as Christians, because their behavior reflects badly on the majority of Christians who are not insane.

Born Agains are the most dogmatic of all, because it is dogma itself that forms their belief system. The Born Again believes that everyone needs to be told what to do—and realistically, that’s the only thing keeping them out of jail. This group has a powerful system of beliefs, and they will tell you about it whenever they get the chance.

Because of their strong dogmatic beliefs, we do not advise going after Born Agains at this time. It is interesting to note, however, that there’s only one thing Born Agains enjoy more than telling people what to think, and that is drugs. Some time in the future, after we’ve completed the construction of our missionary Pirate Ship, we will leave trails of crack vials running from rehab clinics to the port where our Pirate Ship is docked—thus the Born Agains will be led to us, as they gobble up the crack like Pac-Man.

The last Christian group we will consider is the
C
HRISTIAN
A
THLETE
. These soldiers of God are probably more dangerous than Born Agains due to their size and stamina. They should be avoided at all costs, and only observed on television or watched from the relative safety of your
seats set high in the back of an arena or stadium. Christian athletes can be seen praying in the middle of the court, field, or other playing surface after their games, and they are known for thumping their chests and pointing in the air after touchdowns, goals, or “baskets.” This unseemly sense of self-importance is disturbing, as God probably doesn’t even watch sports.
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If they think He’s actually paying attention when they “give praise” during their interviews, then they’re probably even dumber than they sound. As far as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, He is believed only to watch NASCAR and an occasional game of soccer.
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How else to explain their popularity (NASCAR) and their survival as a professional American sport (soccer)? But we don’t know for sure. Again, Christian athletes are highly dangerous and stupid, and should be avoided at all costs.

Now that we’ve got the Christians covered, we can move on to the other religions. It is important to remember that, regardless of what you hear from many elected officials, there actually are other religions, and they will probably be around for a very long time. Let us explore further.

I
SLAM
is the world’s second largest religion after Christianity. Granted, we don’t see a lot of Muslims in this country, but we do see a lot of them on television. It seems that many of them live in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. This is interesting to note, because some of our greatest missionary work is taking place in these places, where there are a surprising number of Pastafarians in the military. While people believe that the president sent troops into Iraq to find WMDs, it’s pretty much been common knowledge that most of the weapons they were supposedly looking for were over in Iran and North Korea. So why did he send so many troops to the wrong country? As you know, until recently, Iraq was a country run by a secular government, under the rule of Saddam Hussein.
¹⁰
High government officials in the United States predicted correctly that it would be easier to convert a secular country to Pastafarianism than it would be to convert, say, Iran. This program of bringing His Word to the people has been termed by the Pentagon as Operation Wiggly
Multiappendaged Deity, or Operation WMD for short. As President Bush probably once said, “We are making progress in Iraq. But it’s going to take time.” Tune in to see how it goes.

H
INDUISM
is another big religion. There are millions and millions of Hindus in India. You might just show a Hindu a picture of a typical Hindu god to illustrate the extreme noodliness of his appendages. That should work.