The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (14 page)

Once Darwin made the intellectual jump from worms to monkeys, his theory really took off. He was invited to many official scientific meetings, where he was lauded by geniuses, savants, and even scientists and philosophers. To this day, no one really knows why.

In 1842, embarrassed by his fame, and mortally disappointed by his inability to
realize
his life’s ambition of being a professional chef, Darwin retreated to Down House in the London Borough of Bromley to “write that damn egghead book,” as he put it.

He published
On the Origin of Species
in 1859, which was mostly about worms and the animals he’d befriended while vacationing in the Galápagos, rendering it completely unreadable. Later he wrote
The Dessert of Man
, which Huxley changed to
The Descent of Man
without Darwin noticing.

Destitute and nearly forgotten, Charles Darwin died in Downe, Kent, England, on April 19, 1882. His beard was eight feet long at the time.
¹⁷

On May 25, 1925, John T. Scopes was charged with violating Tennessee’s Butler Act, which prohibited the teaching of Evolution in Tennessee schools.
¹
Scopes was eventually found guilty and given the choice of paying a $100 fine or being pummeled with rotten fish and burned at the stake. After much reflection, he chose to pay the fine.

Scopes later admitted to reporter William K. Hutchinson that he had never actually taught his class about Evolution, choosing instead to skip the lesson altogether. In fact, his most famous quote is the Clintonesque “I didn’t violate the law.” But if Scopes didn’t teach Evolution, how did this trial come about?

As usual, the ACLU was behind it.

It turns out that lawyers from the ACLU had offered to finance a test case challenging the constitutionality of the Butler Act. Scopes became their unwilling monkey, and the lawyers started pouring into Tennessee by the hundreds. The defense team included Clarence Darrow, Dudley Field Malone, John Neal, Arthur Garfield Hays, and Frank McElwee, among others. The prosecution included Tom Stewart, Herbert Hicks, Wallace Haggard, Ben and J. Gordon McKenzie, William Jennings Bryan,
¹⁹
and William Jennings Bryan Jr. Before the trial even started, the ACLU had met its objective of employing as many lawyers as possible, and the real tragedy of the Scopes Monkey Trial is not that it helped to promote the teaching of Evolution, but that it was an early model for our highly litigious society.

After the trial, Scopes attended the University of Chicago, where he
earned a master’s in geology. He then went on to work for the oil industry, where in 1932 he met a young oil executive named Dick Cheney, who disclosed to Scopes that he would “one day take over the world.”

Code-named “6LL3,” this ewe was the first mammal ever to have been successfully cloned from an adult cell. Produced at the Roslin Institute in Scotland, “6LL3,” or “Dolly,”
²⁰
as she was named by the stockmen who helped with her birth, was cloned by the technique of somatic cell nuclear transfer. Using a cell from an adult sheep’s mammary,
²¹
scientists placed a cell in a denucleated ovum, and waited for the two cells to fuse. Eventually, the fused cells developed into an embryo, and on July 5, 1996, “Dolly” was born.

“That sheep absolutely loved to fuck,” said Seamus McKracken, a top researcher. “Other sheep. Stockmen. Even the sheep dog. She was insatiable.” Scientists suspect that Dolly’s libido was a result of her sense that she only had so much time on this earth. And indeed, she did suffer from shortened telomeres in her cells, which may have been passed on by her “parents.” Since Dolly’s mother was six years old when the genetic material was taken from her, scientists speculate that
in genetic terms
Dolly was six years old when she was born. She had arthritis by the age of five, lung disease by the age of six, and a bad case of gonorrhea pretty much throughout. Hard facts for Dolly.

N
OW THAT YOU KNOW
some of the science and history behind Pastafarianism, you may feel that you’re ready to go out and spread His Word. With this in mind, it is important to remember that one of the central ideas of FSMism is the idea of
inclusion
. Anyone can be a member, no matter their age, race, background, or even their religious affiliation. As we’ve stated earlier, we do not base our beliefs on dogma—if we did, we’d have to think that we’re absolutely right about everything. Only assholes think that way. And Pastafarians are not assholes.

So remember, Pastafarians are not assholes. We simply deliver His Word and let the people decide
.

 With inclusion in mind, we feel it is necessary to approach members of other religions in an effort to show them our beliefs. It’s possible that Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and all the other religions, except probably for Scientologists, may be willing to convert after hearing about FSMism. We welcome with open arms any members of other religions. And remember our guarantee:

Try us for thirty days and if you don’t like us, your God will most likely take you back
.

 This is an important detail in spreading His Word. If it works for infomercials, it will definitely work for religion. The God-back guarantee should always be offered
up front
. It shows that we’re confident about
our beliefs and helps to build trust. Trust is very important when you’re trying to change somebody’s beliefs. And since we’re one of the few religions that’s never threatened nonbelievers with violence, it’s all we’ve got.

Before you begin evangelizing, remember to heed this warning:

Be careful of whom you attempt to convert. Members of some religions should be approached with care
.

  As a missionary you must select a target wisely. Always try to keep to high-traffic areas. That way you can be sure to maximize religious outreach. Always present yourself in a neat and friendly manner, unless you are wearing Pirate regalia, which you should be, in which case you should remember that an eye patch will affect depth perception. This brings us to our next point:

When wearing an eye patch, always remember that objects may be closer or farther away than they appear
.

 Not only is this statement true in fact, but it is also true spiritually.
¹
If you’re talking to a Mormon and he keeps smiling pleasantly, be sure to watch his hands. You may think you’ve cornered a potential Pastafarian, while he may be considering where his gun’s at. Always be alert. You are doing His work, but His protective appendages might be occupied with other things. Ask yourself, is this guy taking just a few too many sips of his orange soda? Is one of his wives lurking in the background? If you start to get a bad feeling, leave and live to fight another day. Other religions may be pushy: We’re not. In fact, take some hints from Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses. As much as people like to get visited at home by strangers who tell them they’re most likely going to Hell, we prefer less intrusive means of missionary work. Our ways are subtle.

Know your audience and choose the right message
.

This is important. Because of the nondogmatic nature of FSMism, there’s been some discussion as to whether liberal areas are better for missionary work. Indeed, Pastafarians seem to have good luck finding converts on college campuses, although that could be due to the drugs.
²
Still, there’s no doubt that promises of a Beer Volcano and a Stripper Factory in Heaven will likely be more effective with male college students, for example, than with female senior citizens.
³
So always use your noodle and direct the right message to the right audience. A couple of other examples should help:

• A
  CADEMICS
  are likely to appreciate that FSMism is based on rigid scientific observations. With them it’s a good idea to cite evidence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s existence. Bring this book along as an aid. Show the academics the pictures, graphs, and diagrams, many of which appear to be scientific in nature. In addition, it may be helpful to note that we Pastafarians are involved in ongoing important research, most importantly related to the established link between global warming and the decline in the Pirate population.
  

• T
  HE
  E
  LDERLY
  are most easily reached through their firmly entrenched moral values. FSMism is, after all, a comparatively conservative religion. Even though we don’t discriminate, and although we openly accept those of varied backgrounds and sexual preference into our religion, it can be noted as advantageous that there are many more gay and lesbian preachers in Christian churches than there are in FSM churches. And while there is nothing particularly important about that phenomenon, it is apparently a big issue with some of the parishioners. So it may be helpful to point out that bit of statistics in order to grow our congregation.
  ⁴
  

• C
  HILDREN
  are generally not the brightest of people, and can be easily converted to FSMism. Mentioning Pirates will ensure it.
  

• C
  ELEBRITIES
  are an interesting matter. Consider them to be a special project. When an actor or musician adopts a religion it is a sure sign
  that it is going to be popular. As such, we suggest identifying one or two hot targets. Lindsay Lohan seems like she’d be open to Pastafarianism. Also, Madonna is probably up for a conversion soon. We suggest approaching those celebrities who appear to be starving. You might want to mention that a high-carbohydrate diet is just what they need to restore their physical and spiritual well-being.