The Grace In Darkness (11 page)

“
Do you like pissing me off, Ryland?
”
J.D. asked, slipping into the massive black leather chair. Even his office furniture was used for intimidation.

I slumped in the chair opposite him, ignoring the pain in my ribs because I needed the
“
I don
’
t give a flying fuck
”
attitude more. I adjusted into the least uncomfortable position and didn
’
t even need to fake bored while I listened to J.D. go on.

“
I feel like that
’
s a trick question,
Mr. Dare.”

“
Is there even a point to your sullenness? Why do you have to drag your feet when it comes to being a part of this company I
’
ve worked so hard to build? When it comes to even being a Dare?
”

“
Now I
know
that is a trick question.
”

“
Goddammit, Ryland!
”
J.D. yelled, slamming his fists on the smooth wood top.

I frowned. It was a rare occasion to see J.D. lose control like that, and even though I enjoyed it, he hated letting it slip that he was still human. J.D. cleared his throat and stretched his shoulders and neck, shaking off his brief emotional slip.

“
Why is it so important to you that I work here? I don
’
t get it. You can run this company with your eyes closed. You don
’
t need me.
”

“
It
’
s not a matter of
need
, Ryland. I want you to take over this place in the future, and I need you to be prepared.
”

“
I hate to break it to you, J.D., but I have zero interest in taking over this place for you.
”

“
I always get what I want, Ryland.
”

“
Your threats don
’
t work on me, J.D.
”

“
Don
’
t they?
”
He challenged.
“
Are you not sitting across this desk from me right now? Are you not here because I threatened you?
”

I gritted my teeth and opened my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself, but the flash of Araya
’
s face, her smile, stopped me. I wanted to leave this hellhole, but the only thing that stopped me was the fear he would take Araya away from me before I was ready to get her.

“
All you had to do was work here a year, Ryland.
”
He went on.
“
A simple year with no trouble. If you
’
d given it half a chance, you might have actually enjoyed it here. Now I
’
m going to make sure you don
’
t.
”
He threatened and my eyes narrowed.
“
I
’
m assuming this,
”
he said, referring to my appearance with his hand,
“
is your brother
’
s doing. We
’
re not white trash, Ryland, and you won
’
t come to work looking like it.
”

“
Are you done?
”
I moved to get up, but his words stopped me.

“
The Mark Vincent Charity Benefit is two weekends away. You will be attending that.
”

“
You said only you needed to be there.
”
I gritted my teeth again.

“
And now I
’
m saying you
’
ll be there. Get out of here and go home. I don
’
t need you here looking like that.
”

The urge to reach across the desk and strangle him burned my fingertips, but I slowly walked out of his office.

It didn
’
t matter what I said or did. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn
’
t.

A
t this point, we were both surviving off adrenaline alone. It was racing through our system like a roller coaster and neither one of us could grasp our breath long enough to finish a coherent sentence.

“
Did you see me?” I said, grabbing at my hair like a wild woman. I turned in my seat toward her and the words coming out of my mouth erupted at an abnormal speed. “I was out of this world!” My fingers exploded through my hair, sending the strands in every direction.

Her eyes danced between the road and me.
“Are you kidding me? You were out of this universe! Bigger than every star and every planet, my little twinkle toes.”

“
Mom!” I groaned, embarrassed, and pushed at her arm a little too roughly. The car swerved slightly. “Oops, sorry!” I giggled and picked up my root beer.

She was laughing as she leaned over to take a sip from the straw I offered. The whole time her eyes never strayed from the road.

“I think we’ve had enough sugar,” she declared, but I was already shoving another whole chocolate chip cookie in my mouth.

“
You want this to go to waste?”

I held my arms wide, hovering above the junk food in question. After making our rounds of good-byes after the audition, we hit the nearest gas station to stock up on all forms of sugar. The clerk looked at us like we were nuts as we dropped armfuls of food in front of him.

It took him ten minutes to check us out and the entire time we sat there trying not to laugh. Mom filled up on gas and we settled in the car for our two-hour drive home. It was only ten and Mom was convinced we’d be home by midnight. She couldn’t spend another night in a hotel bed she’d said.

“
You’re right.” She nodded. “Pass me one of those pink spongy cakes.” I tore open the wrapper with my teeth and handed it over. “I can’t wait to start bragging to all my friends.” She squealed (my mother wasn’t a squealer) around a mouthful of cake.

“
Shouldn’t you wait to hear if I got in first? What if they didn’t like me?”

I pulled loose what was left of my bun. It fell down my back in long, stiff waves, and my scalp felt bruised from the weight of it. Massaging my scalp, I listened to my mom dismiss the idea.

“I love you, but you’re nuts, chick! Of course they fudging loved you! You were beyond amazing. You are beyond amazing. I have and will always be proud of you, but tonight I’m proud on a whole new level for you going after your dream, baby girl.” She pulled my head toward her and kissed the top. I snuggled into her warmth and wiped at the tears that had fallen on her sweater.

“
I love you so much, Mom. Thank you for always believing in me. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect mother.”

“
I’m far from perfect, Araya, but I will always be your biggest fan.”

I stopped talking. The emotion clogging my throat made it impossible to finish the next part of my memory. In ways, it was harder to think about what happened before the accident than it was to remember what happened after.

“
At least we were happy right before, right?
”
I whispered.
“
I mean, we hardly ever fought and if we did, we both missed each other too much to stay mad long. At least she died knowing how much I love her, right?
”

“
It sounds like she loved you very much, Araya.
”

I thought about the word
loved
.
“
Do you believe in love after life, Dr. Rise?
”

Dr. Rise was the famous Madison shrink. She had a heavy work schedule on her plate, as she was the only psychiatrist on campus. I wasn
’
t sure of the exact student body headcount, but I knew it was pretty close to eight hundred.

She had no idea what she was getting into when she was handed my file. As far as I knew, no one had known about my aunt and Cara, not even Dr. Rise at first. How it got around I didn
’
t know, and honestly, it didn
’
t matter.

“
Explain it to me and I
’
ll tell you if I do.
”

“
It
’
s when a person loves you so much you can still feel their love even after they
’
re gone. And it doesn
’
t matter how long they
’
ve been gone. You can still feel them. That
’
s how I feel about my mother
’
s love. I can
’
t see it, but I feel it and that
’
s how I know she
’
s always with me and that
’
s how I
’
ve survived all these years without becoming jaded. And yes, Dr. Rise, she loves me very much.
”

“
Do you think she can feel your love?
”

“
I hope with all my heart she can because there is not a day that goes by that I don
’
t make sure she can feel it.
”

“
I
’
m sure she can, Araya.
”

“
Does that mean you believe in it?
”

“
I think it sounds like a lovely idea and if I had to believe in anything, it would definitely be that love was strong enough to endure even after death.
”

“
Have you lost anyone you
’
ve loved so much it hurts, Dr. Rise?
”

“
I have, my father. He was a great man and I miss him dearly.
”

“
I
’
m sorry you lost your father.
”

“
I
’
m sorry you lost your mother, Araya.
”

“
Look forward with hope, not backward with regret, right?
”

“
Sounds like a solid plan to follow.
”

“
I don
’
t know how solid it is, but it
’
s all I have of her to hold on to.
”

“
And what about the new people in your life?
”

“
Makayla?
”

“
And Pierce.
”

I was hoping Pierce wouldn
’
t be in any of our discussions today, but it looked like it was unavoidable at this point.

“
It
’
s nice having friends again. I miss Cara.
”

“
Even after what she did to you?
”

“
Their father is an… evil person. I don
’
t know why Cara did what she did, and until I do, I
’
ll continue to miss her.
”

“
And when you do find out the full story, do you think you can forgive her?
”

I thought about it.
“
Yes.
”
It was that simple.

“
And Ryland?
”

We went from one topic I didn
’
t want to discuss to another.

“
What about Ryland?
”

“
Well, we
’
ve talked about him before and you seem to think it
’
s over between the two of you. Have you had any contact with him since?
”

I shook my head.
“
No.
”

“
Do you think you
’
re ready to move on from him?
”

And that was the million-dollar question. Could I move on from Ryland? Now or ever?

“
Is there a time limit on your first love? Is that something you ever get over?
”

“
Maybe not fully, but at some point, you should probably think of future relationships.
”

“
Like with Pierce.
”

“
He
’
d be a good start.
”

I didn
’
t know if that was even a possibility anymore after last night.

Pierce hadn
’
t been a possibility until right now. Dr. Rise was right. Since I started here, I
’
d had it in my head that Ryland and I were over. Not because I wanted to be, but because I
’
d told him not to wait for me. And what if he hadn
’
t? I hadn
’
t heard from him in months, and not that I should, but a part of me had hoped.

I had no one to be upset with but myself, and I wasn
’
t allowed to expect anything from Ryland. No matter what, though, I wanted him to be happy.

“
You seem lost in thought,
”
Dr. Rise said, pulling me into the present.

I didn
’
t plan on telling her about my conversation with Pierce for the simple fact that I didn
’
t want to talk about Ryland or Pierce anymore.

“
I was just thinking about new starts. And right now, I just want to focus on my dancing.
”

“
I heard you and Pierce have been doing very well and you
’
re working hard for your duet coming up.
”

She wasn
’
t even subtle, but I was done talking about boys.
“
I
’
m excited about it and so is Violet. She
’
s been working just as hard as the rest of us.
”

“
That
’
s good. I can
’
t wait to see your performance.
”

“
You
’
ll be there?
”

“
Of course. I go every year.
”

The bell rang above my head, announcing the end of our session, and I moved to get up.

“
I hope you enjoy the concert.
”

“
I
’
m sure I will. Maybe next session you can finish telling me about your mom.
”

I just smiled at her. I didn
’
t want to make promises I couldn
’
t keep.

“
Good-bye, Dr. Rise.
”