The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2) (28 page)

“I haven’t made up my mind about anything. I don’t want to leave New York.”

“Then don’t,” he said and I could feel a lump forming in my throat at the simplicity of his words. The way he said them made it sound so easy and I knew it could be easy if I wanted it to be. I could drop my plans and go with him. It would be easy. Going to Iowa would be hard.

“And are you willing not to leave New York either? Are you willing to stay here too and forget about going to California?”

“Natalie…” he sighed and then paused.

“I have my answer then. You want me to make sacrifices, but you aren’t willing to do the same.

“Don’t do this. First Christina and now you,” he finally said, his voice trembling. When I didn’t respond, his eyes locked with mine and then he started towards the front door. “I’ve got to check in at the office,” he said, grabbing his wallet and I wiped the tear from my cheek as the door closed behind him.

Thirty-Eight

I waited for him to come home. He’d been gone for hours and it was almost eight o’clock. I hadn’t tried calling him. He was upset and I didn’t want to talk to him when he was upset. There was more going on in his life than just this. He had his sister and the firm to worry about too and I knew he was still healing from the miscarriage. I could feel the heaviness of it all on my shoulders just as I knew he did and I didn’t like the feeling. All I could do was wait for him to come home and see where we stood.

I’d made myself a bowl of soup for dinner and I was washing up the dishes when I heard the door open. I turned around to see him walking in, a concerned line spread on his face. I put the dish in the drying rack and then wiped my hands on a towel before going to meet him in the living room.

“Is everything okay at the office?” I asked.

“We both know I didn’t go there to work,” he said and quiet settled in between us.

“Why did you leave then?”

“Because I didn’t like where the conversation was headed. I needed to clear my head before we had this talk.”

“Should we talk then?” I asked cautiously and he nodded as we both sat down on the couch.

He reached over and took my left hand, toying with the ring on my finger as he stared down at it.

“What’s happening with us, Natalie?” he asked softly, lifting his eyes from my hand to meet mine.

“Life,” I answered and there was a slight nod as he reached up and tucked a piece of hair that had escaped my ponytail behind my ear.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this for us,” he said softly.

“No, it wasn’t. You were my fairytale,” I said quietly through the forming lump in my throat and he squeezed my hand tightly.

“But we both know fairytales aren’t real.”

His voice was soft and defeated and then our eyes met. It was quiet for a few moments and I knew neither of us wanted to continue with this conversation because we knew where it was going.

“You’re going back to Iowa then, aren’t you?” he asked and I could hear the fear in his voice.

“I think I should,” I replied. “If I don’t, I’ll end up hating myself…”

“And you’ll resent me,” he interrupted and I nodded slowly, knowing he was probably right. “I can give you everything you need, Natalie. You won’t want for anything.”

He was holding my hand tightly as he stared into my eyes.

“I know that. I know you can give me the world and I want to be your wife, Drew, but with everything that’s happened since I moved here, I know I want to be my own person first,” I said and I felt his grip on my hand loosen a little and he closed his eyes, his brows creasing for a few seconds before opening them again. “I moved here for Ethan…for his dream and then I met you and I love you so much, Drew, but somewhere along the lines, I’ve forgotten about myself and who I am…of who I want to be…of who I
can
be.”

“I don’t understand. Do I not make you happy? Is there something I’m not giving you that you need?”

“You make me so happy,” I said with a smile as I ran my fingertips over his cheekbone. “But, I want you to think about me. Think about if everything in your life was defined by someone else and their accomplishments. I want people to see me for who I am and not just as the wife of Andrew Saben.”

“I support that, Natalie. You know I do, but you don’t have to go to Iowa to do it.”

I could feel the tears burning my eyes. I didn’t know what the hell I was saying. I’d been hiding from it for so long that now I was just opening my heart and letting my true feelings come pouring out, saying words I didn’t even know I wanted to.

“You told me once that we’re not guaranteed a tomorrow and we have to live for the moment. What if this is my moment?” I asked gently as a tear spilled down my cheek. “We’ve been fighting to keep this together when the world’s been giving us every hint that right now might not be the time for us. When I lost the baby, I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand why it would be taken from me, but maybe I’m supposed to become myself before I become responsible for another life. That’s the only reason I can think of and I have to do this. We’ve got to think about you too. There’s so much going on with your work and with Christina. You need to focus on that and your sister without the distraction of me.”

“Don’t you understand? I need you as my distraction! You’re the only thing that matters in my world. I’ve never given so much of myself to someone else.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not doing this to hurt you. Don’t you understand, it’s killing me right now to even think of you not being in my life…of not hearing your voice every day or seeing your face? It feels like I’m ripping my heart out, but I have dreams too…I just lost track of them for a while.”

“And I’m not part of that dream?” he asked, the harshness gone from his voice as he stared at me with frightened eyes.

“You are, but,” I said, pausing for a second before continuing. “I’ve got to figure myself out first.”

He stared at me quizzically and he didn’t look as angry now. His gaze had softened as his eyes searched my face.

“I always admired that about you,” he began softly. “Your determination. I just wish it wasn’t so strong when it came to this.”

I blinked and the tears came harder. I loved this man with every ounce of being and yet I was pushing him away.

“Please don’t hate me,” I whispered and then his hand was on my chin, pushing it up until our eyes met.

“I could never hate you, Natalie.” He kissed my forehead, his lips staying pressed against my skin and I tried to burn the feeling of them into my being until he pulled away. “I need to think. I need to process this. I’m going for a walk in the park.”

He kissed me again and then he walked out, just as he had earlier. When the door shut, I began sobbing at what I’d just done. I stared down at the bracelet and the ring and I didn’t understand what I was allowing myself to do. My mind rewound to that first day at Taylor and Saben. I’d been a nervous wreck interviewing with Leslie, certain I didn’t stand a chance and then he walked in and I could remember seeing his bright green eyes for the first time and the way his skin felt against mine when we shook hands. I remembered the first time he kissed me that night in his apartment. He’d awoken things inside me I didn’t even know existed and when we made love that first time in Tokyo, I knew I’d love this man for the rest of my life. Despite the memories and the tenderness he always showed me, I was ready to give it up and the pain it was causing was almost more than I could take.

~~~

I was woken by his voice in my ear after finally falling asleep waiting for him to come home.

“Natalie? Baby? Wake up.”

He was shaking me gently and when I turned onto my back to see his profile in the glowing light of the hallway, I knew I didn’t want to leave him.

“I’m sorry, Drew. I take it all back. I won’t go.”

His eyes moved slowly over my face and then a little smile spread on his lips.

“Yes, you will because it’s what you should do,” he said gently, tracing my jaw line with his fingertip.

“No. I can stay here. We can get married and live our lives just as we planned.”

“And you can be miserable,” he said as he looked down at me. “I won’t have that. I won’t be the one responsible for bringing you sadness. I only want happiness for you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted and as much as I want you to stay here with me or come to L.A., I know I have to put aside my selfishness. You were right. You were right about everything. You need to become the person you want to be and I have my work and my sister to focus on. I can’t be what you deserve right now and I won’t compromise your happiness while you wait for me to be the man who’s worthy of you. Maybe someday I will be, but right now, I’m not. You’ve compromised everything for me while I’ve compromised nothing for you.”

“Drew,” I whispered, resting my palm on his cheek as the tears began to form in my eyes again. “You’ve taught me so much. You’ve done everything for me.”

“No, I haven’t,” he said and I thought I saw moisture in his eyes. “You’re young. You’re only twenty-three. I want you to have as much life as you can before you decide to settle down and someday, a few years down the road, who knows? Maybe it will be our time, but if it’s not, my only hope is that you’re happy.”

The tears were streaming down my face now, pooling on the pillow where they dripped off my face and I sat up, wrapping my arms around him, burying my head in his chest as he held me in return.

“I love you so much, Natalie,” he whispered and I pulled away gently, my gaze settling on his face that was wet from his tears. I reached up, using the pad of my thumb to wipe them away. I moved towards him hesitantly, wanting to kiss him, but wondering if he wanted it too. My lips were trembling with nerves, but then he moved in slowly and gently, and as our mouths pressed together, the magic was just as strong as with the first kiss we’d shared. “I want to make love to you, Natalie. I need to feel you one last time,” he said softly as our foreheads rested against each other.

“I need to feel you too,” I answered and he came towards me again, his lips gliding over mine slowly and deliberately. There was no rush. We were taking our time, pausing to remember these feelings that seemed even more heightened. Perhaps it was because we both knew this could be our last time sharing this, but as his lips moved over my body, I laid back and closed my eyes, hoping I would never forget how he made me feel. His hands roamed freely and then he methodically stripped me of my clothes. I did the same to him and I tried memorizing everything about him until he was on top of me. He brought his lips to mine again, kissing me slow and deep, his tongue consuming my mouth with a gentle hunger that I tried to satisfy and then he settled in between my legs, no words spoken as we made love. I held onto him tightly and I cried silent tears as our bodies moved together. This was my favorite place to be…my safe place…in his arms and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. He moved slowly, almost like he was trying to stop time, but then he collapsed onto my chest, clutching me as if his life depended on it as he nuzzled into my neck.

“You will always have my heart, Natalie,” he whispered and I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing I had broken it.

Thirty-Nine

I’d given my two weeks’ notice at the station. I knew Ava and Kara were sad to see me go. Something told me Mitch would miss me too, but they all wished me luck, offering any help they could give once I’d finished my degree.

Drew would be leaving for California with Christina and his mom soon, but I’d be leaving New York City today. My flight was at two o’clock. I’d be back in Cedar Rapids in time for dinner. It hadn’t been a call I’d wanted to make…telling my parents I was returning to Iowa. Before I called, I was reminded of a conversation I’d had with my mother shortly after I arrived in New York. I could still remember her words exactly.
It’s okay to come home…if things get too hard.
I wouldn’t have imagined almost a year later, I’d be doing the exact opposite of what I told her. I was coming home.

I know my mom was relieved when I told her. She’d never been totally on board with my decision to move to New York and although she’d supported the engagement, I knew she thought I was too young.

And so, as I zipped up my suitcase, the same suitcase I’d brought with me when I’d begun this journey, I was closing the door on this chapter and hoping the new one would be worth what I was giving up. I took a moment, running my hands over his clothes that were hanging in the closet that was now half empty. Everything was impeccable. His clothes were perfect just like he was. I stopped a few seconds later in front of his favorite hoodie. An old gray thing he wore too often and I held it to my face, breathing in deeply, rubbing the fabric against my cheek, imagining it was him and then I pulled it from the curtain and shoved it in my bag. I shouldn’t be taking it. I knew he’d miss it, but I needed a part of him with me because leaving was going to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

I grabbed my bags, rolling them behind me as I moved around the rest of the apartment, thinking back on the good times we’d shared. I still couldn’t believe it was over and I wondered if I’d ever see this place again. I doubted it. He’d said maybe in the future we’d find our way back to each other, but I wouldn’t live in that fantasy world, expecting him to wait for me. He’d certainly meet someone else and then she would share this place with him. I looked at the living room we’d decorated and I wondered if he’d change it.

I heard the door open and then he walked inside. I hadn’t seen him before he left for work and I wondered if he’d chosen his outfit on purpose. He was wearing a gray shirt and black pants, nearly identical to the day I’d first met him. I remembered things like that and I wondered if he did too.

“Hey,” he greeted me with a forced smile on his face. It’d been strange like this since we agreed to end things between us. It was as if we were still together, but we weren’t. He’d even resorted to sleeping in the guest room, which killed me every night.

“I didn’t know if I’d see you before I left.”

“You didn’t really think I wouldn’t accompany you to the airport, did you?” he asked and I smiled.

“Of course you were going to come with me,” I said softly and he came towards me, grazing my cheek with his hand. I wondered if he would kiss me. He hadn’t kissed me since the last night we made love. He locked eyes with me and then lowered his gaze to my mouth, but he didn’t kiss me.

“Are you ready?” he asked and I nodded. “We should go then.”

He took my bags and I followed him to the door, looking around the apartment, knowing how much I’d miss this place, before shutting it.

The elevator ride down was a quiet one and Drew hailed a cab and after putting my bags in the trunk, he climbed in beside me. He told the driver to take us to JFK and as the taxi weaved into the crowded Manhattan streets, he reached over and took my hand, linking our fingers together as we drove, but we didn’t say a word. It was the first time we’d held hands since the decision had been made and I closed my eyes, wanting to remember how his skin felt on mine.

“Are you sure you have everything?” Drew asked me when the driver stopped at the terminal.

“Yes. I’ve got everything,” I told him and followed him inside as he rolled my bags behind him. The curb side check was open, but he walked right by it and into the long line inside. I wondered if he chose the line to prolong our time together. Whether that was his motive or not, I was grateful for any more time I got with him.

“Looks like your flight’s on time,” he said as he looked up at one of the monitors.

“Yeah. Looks like.” This awkward small talk was ridiculous. After everything we’d been through, we’d resorted to this because neither of us wanted to address the impending goodbye that was becoming more inevitable with each minute that passed.

When it was my turn, I handed the ticket agent my driver’s license and boarding pass. She asked me the usual questions and then requested payment for my bags. I reached for my wallet, but I felt Drew’s hand on my arm to stop me and he handed over his credit card before I got the chance, just as he had that first day we went to the MOMA together almost a year ago.

“Thank you,” I said quietly and he merely nodded.

The agent returned my boarding pass and directed me towards security. I thanked her and Drew took my hand as we headed towards the check-point. The line was surprisingly light and we stopped before I entered. My throat was tightening as I realized what was coming. I could tell he was struggling too.

“Dammit,” he whispered, looking away and running a hand through his hair. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.” He turned from me, wiping at the corners of his eyes and when he looked at me again, he was composed and seemed like the ever stoic Andrew Saben. I was a different story though. The more I tried to hold back the tears, the more my throat constricted and the harder my lip trembled. I bit the corner of it, trying to mask my emotions, but it was impossible.

“You should go,” he finally said.

“I know,” I whispered, but I couldn’t move. “It’s too hard.” I blinked and the tears I’d been fighting fell freely.

He hesitated, but then he pulled me to him and I went willingly, burying my face in his chest as he held me tightly. He stroked my hair and I breathed him in, trying to tattoo everything about him into my brain. He’d become almost an extension of me and in a few minutes he’d be gone.

We stayed like that for a long time. Neither one of us wanted to be the first to let go, but he finally did, holding my hands and looking into my eyes.

“I love you. No matter what happens, remember that I love you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t talk. There was nothing I could say to him to tell him how I felt or to apologize for hurting him.

“I’m so sorry,” I managed to get out.

“Don’t do this. Don’t apologize for doing what’s best for you.” He was looking at me seriously and I knew he meant what he said. “I know you’ll succeed at whatever you choose to do because…because,” he said, pausing and smiling as I saw hints of tears in his eyes. “Well, because you’re you and you’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever known.”

“Would you please start being an asshole? It’d make this so much easier,” I said, wiping the tears as we both laughed a little and then it grew quiet again as the heaviness of the situation settled on us again. “I hope everything starts smoothing out at work and I truly hope Christina is going to be okay.”

“Thank you. Me too,” he said and then I felt a sudden weight on my left hand, my eyes drifting to the ring.

“I should give this back,” I said as I started pulling it from my finger, but then he placed his hand over mine.

“I designed it for you and I want you to have it.”

“Drew…I can’t.”

“Please. I want you to have it,” he reiterated, taking my hand and sliding the ring back down, and my mind drifted to when he’d first put it on me the night he proposed. We’d been so happy…so hopeful about the future. Never would I have guessed we’d find ourselves where we were now. “Consider it a little something to remember me by.” He was trying to be lighthearted, but then he touched the bracelet on my wrist…the bracelet to remember our baby by. “You’re okay, right? About the baby?” he asked gently, his eyes still focused on the amethyst.

“I’ll always remember and I’ll always think about what might’ve been, but I’ll be okay.”

“I like to pretend it was girl and that she looked just like you,” he said and I reached up, wiping the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes. “I would’ve loved to see our child.”

And now we’ll never get the chance,
I said in my mind, not wanting to say the words out loud, but I knew he was thinking the same thing.

“Me too,” is what I said instead and then he let go of my hand and it fell to my side. “I should go.” I had to leave before I couldn’t.

“You should,” he agreed, but I didn’t move. He took my hands and then he pressed his lips against my cheek, holding them there for a few moments.

“I love you, Natalie.”

“I love you too,” I whispered and he let go of my hands and stepped back.

“Dream big,” he said quietly and I nodded, a painful smile struggling to reach my face, but unable to say anything more.

I turned on my heel and walked quickly towards the TSA agent, handing her my boarding pass. She looked at it and then encouraged me towards the line. I told myself not to turn around, but I could feel his gaze on me, the same way I’d feel it on me back in the office when we’d first met.

I wanted to look at him again. I wanted to see his face again, but I was afraid. This was already hard enough and prolonging it would make it even worse.

Don’t look back. Don’t look back.
I repeated to myself, but then I heard my name.

“Natalie!”

I whipped my head around quickly. Drew was calling for me and I didn’t think twice about going to him. I pushed my way back out of the line and passed the TSA agent’s warning glare and ran to him, needing to get to him once more.

No words were spoken as he grabbed me, pressing his mouth against mine, kissing me desperately. Our time together started flashing through my mind: the moment our eyes met for the for the first time and when he’d first held my hand…the way our eyes would catch when neither of us would admit our feelings…when he took my hand, leading me through the crowded Tokyo night club…his open arms waiting for me as my world fell apart…when he dropped to one knee asking me to spend the rest of my life with him…the way he held me as we lost our baby. So many memories and now that was all I would have anymore. If I didn’t stop now, I’d never be able to go. I pulled back suddenly, trying to calm my breathing as I stared into his haunting green eyes for the last time and then turned quickly before I couldn’t. Tears spilled down my face as I rushed to the security line, but I brushed them away, hoping to wipe the memory of him away too, and this time I didn’t look back.