The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2) (27 page)

Thirty-Seven

Four days later, he walked through the door looking drained. We’d talked sporadically while he was gone. I waited for him to call and I kept myself occupied with work. I knew his family was busy and I didn’t want to intrude. He sounded all right when we’d talk, but I could tell he was stressed.

When he hugged me, it wasn’t with the enthusiasm I was expecting. He felt distant and I could feel an uncertain knot forming in my stomach.

“How’s your sister?” I asked as I followed him into the bedroom so he could unpack.

“She’s fine, considering the situation,” he answered, but didn’t offer up anything else as he put his clothes into the hamper and then started stripping out of the jeans and t-shirt he was wearing, tossing them in as well before making his way to the bathroom. “I’m going to grab a shower,” he said from inside and I heard the water start to run. I thought for a second about climbing in with him, but given the circumstances, I decided it probably wasn’t a good idea.

“Can I make you some lunch?” I asked him as I stood in the doorway as steam filled the room.

“No. Thanks though. I’m not that hungry,” he said and I stood there for another moment, watching his silhouette in the frosted glass of the shower door. He was standing in front of the shower head, allowing the water to pour over him. I could tell he was troubled by the way he hung his head as the water passed over him. I knew he wouldn’t appreciate me watching him when he was feeling this way and I turned and headed back to the kitchen.

When I heard the water shut off I was sitting at the table, picking at a sandwich I’d made for myself. I wasn’t really hungry, but I didn’t know what else to do while I waited for him.

He walked into the kitchen shortly after that in a pair of gym shorts and t-shirt, his hair still damp. He walked over to me, kissing me on the head before sitting down across from me.

“Nice shower?” I asked and I half expected him to make a comment about the fact it would’ve been better had I joined him. He didn’t though. Instead, he nodded. “Has your family made any decisions about your sister yet?” I continued, wondering if I should be pressing him about this so soon after he got home.

“We have.”

“And what have you decided?” I continued to prod, frustrated he wasn’t offering up any details.

“She needs help,” he said softly. “She’s been battling this for so long. The depression. The anxiety. The fact she uses alcohol to cope instead of dealing with things.”

“What would cause her to do something like this? To want to kill herself?” I asked cautiously, reaching across the table and taking his hand. When his eyes finally met mine, he looked lost.

“It’s everything.”

“What do you mean? What’s so bad with her life that she could do this to you guys? I mean…your mom…I’ve never seen someone so broken as when she thought Christina might die,” I said, suddenly feeling angry at her for being so selfish. “How could she do that to her family?”

“Sometimes wounds don’t heal,” he said. I waited for him to tell me more, but he remained quiet.

“What aren’t you telling me, Drew?” I asked and I could hear the frustration in my voice, but he only shook his head, staring back down at the table.

“She needs help. She needs treatment.”

“I know that. That’s obvious, but what have you all decided? Where’s she going?”

“With me…to California,” he said and I felt myself freeze.

“What are you talking about? You don’t live in California.”

“We’ve been researching the best treatment facilities and the best is in Malibu. We’ve all agreed it’s where she needs to be.”

“For how long?”

“As long as it takes.”

“And when is this happening?”

“As soon as she’s healthy enough to travel.”

“You just got home though!” I exclaimed.

“You said you were okay with me being in California.”

“That was when you were going for work! This isn’t work! You were settling things there. You were coming home!” I could hear my voice rising, but I couldn’t stop it.

“This is more important than work, Natalie. This is my sister!” he bit back and I froze as our eyes met, locking for a few intense moments.

“I don’t understand what’s happening, Drew.”

“My sister needs help and I’m helping her.”

“But you’re rearranging your whole life for her. Are you paying for it too?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s my money and I can do with it what I will.”

“You can’t just swoop in and fix her problems all the time. She has to be held accountable and you fixing it won’t help.”

“I’m not fixing it. I’m giving her the help she needs to get her life together. I know she can be difficult, but she’s still my sister.”

“A sister who’s treated me horribly.”

“She needs help, Natalie.”

“Why do you feel such an obligation to protect her after everything she’s done to me?”

I watched as his jaw clenched and he was quiet for a few moments.

“Because I do,” he said sternly. “She’s my sister and I don’t need to justify what I’m doing or why I’m doing it.”

“So, you’re choosing her over me even after everything she’s done to me?” I asked quietly.

“I’m not choosing her over you,” he sighed and I could tell he was irritated.

“You are and I don’t understand why.”

“Because I have to do this! I have to make this right!” he finally shouted.

“Make what right?” I begged. I could tell he was holding something in and I stared into his eyes, pleading for him to tell me.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said gruffly, standing up from the table and walking away. “She’s so messed up, Natalie. Completely fucked up and it’s all my fault.” I heard him sigh a moment later as he faced the living room, his back to me. I could see the strength leaving him as he rested his head in his hands and his shoulders started to shake. He was crying. I’d never seen Drew Saben like this. I could see he was broken and I went to his side. “There’s no control anymore. All of this shit with work and then we lose our baby and now my sister’s about to self-destruct and I have no idea why this is all happening at once. No fucking clue why,” he said, his voice shaking.

“It’s okay, Drew,” I said softly, as I went to him and began rubbing his back.

I reached for a tissue and turned to face him, wiping his cheeks.

“I’m not weak like this, Natalie,” he insisted, taking the tissue from me.

“We all have our breaking point. It’s okay if you’ve reached yours.”

I barely got the words out when he picked me up, moving swiftly down the hall and into our bedroom. He laid me on the bed and then he was on me, his lips covering mine desperately. His tongue entered my mouth with a mission and he seemed to be searching for something he couldn’t find. He was pulling at my shirt, tugging it off fiercely and then doing the same with my shorts. His lips were on my neck then, traveling down the base of my throat, between my breasts and down to my navel as his expert hands slid the rest of my clothes off. The speed at which he was moving was alarming. He stopped to look at me for a moment, the hunger pouring from him, and then stood up, removing his own clothes and returning to me. He didn’t wait any longer and I could tell by the way he moved with me that I was the vessel he was using to release all of the burdens he’d been holding in. I tried to keep up with him, but he was too much and when he finally collapsed on top of me, I could barely breathe.

“I’m sorry, baby. So sorry,” he mumbled into my ear as I wrapped my arms around him, trying to bring him any comfort I could, until he rolled off of me, curled into my arms and fell asleep. 

~~~

When he woke up, he was still wrapped in my arms, but then he sat up, staring down at me, looking more like the Drew I knew and loved. He’d seemed so troubled when he first came home and I could tell there were issues still heavy on his mind, but he seemed a little better and that’s what mattered.

“I shouldn’t have broken down like that. It won’t happen again,” he said resolutely and I wondered who he was trying to convince, me or himself.

“You don’t need to be afraid to talk to me, Drew,” I said softly, brushing my fingertips over his rougher than usual cheek thanks to his light beard. Drew was usually impeccably groomed, including a clean-shaven face. It was obvious his mind had been elsewhere.

I wanted him to say something, to open up to me about what he was really thinking, but he remained quiet.

“Talk to me,” I whispered, pulling him close and kissing him gently.

“Come with me to California,” he said after a few quiet moments and when I pulled back, I could feel my face curled up in confusion.

“You’re set on going to California while Christina’s in rehab?”

“I have to, Natalie.”

“Why? Why do you have to?” I asked him. “You keep saying you have to, but I don’t understand why. Pay for the rehab if you feel you have to, but you don’t have to go with her.”

I watched as his eyes closed tightly and he pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds.

“Why can’t you simply accept that I have to do this?”

“Because you’re changing everything for her and I can’t understand why. Help me understand,” I pleaded.

“Have I ever done anything to make you doubt me?” he asked, opening his eyes and looking into mine.

“No. Not until now,” I replied and I saw him flinch slightly at my words.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he said, his mouth forming into a firm line. “I wish you would trust me when I tell you this is important.”

“I know it’s important, but what if my life changed and I needed you? Would you drop everything for me? Would you follow me if I asked you to?”

“This isn’t about you, Natalie. This is about my sister who nearly died,” he said and his words stung.

His answer told me all I needed to know and the fact he would drop everything for his sister and interrupt our lives solidified what I needed to do with my own life.

“I need to be there. My mom is coming and even though this changes everything, I’d like you to come too.”

I didn’t respond. I couldn’t give him an answer. I found my clothes, putting them back on and made my way to the kitchen. I heard him getting dressed and he appeared a few moments later as I searched the fridge for a snack.

“You haven’t said anything,” he said and I turned to him.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll at least think about it.”

“I can’t say that. You want me to drop everything for someone who despises me. I’m sorry for what’s happened. Truly, I am, but what about my life? What about graduate school?”

“It’ll happen, Natalie. Maybe now’s not the right time though. Maybe with everything that’s happened we need to put certain things on hold and just be together.”

I closed the refrigerator and stood up, meeting his eyes and I noticed how worried he looked.

“Why is my life always revolving around you?” I asked softly and I didn’t mean for my words to come out harshly, but I could tell he took it that way by the way his eyebrows creased. “First Ethan and now you.”

“Excuse me?” he asked and after all the debate I’d had with myself on how I was going to tell him about grad school, I simply walked over to the drawer I’d been keeping the letters in and handed them to him. His eyes moved quickly over each piece of paper and I could tell when he’d read the acceptance letter from Iowa State by the way his eyes widened and then he looked up at me. “When did these letters come in?”

“A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I wanted to tell you…”

“But you thought this kind of decision was better made without me,” he interrupted, setting the letters down forcefully on the counter. “How could you make this kind of decision without even discussing it with me? Without even telling me you’d applied to Iowa. You didn’t even discuss the possibility with me.”

“The same way you decided on California without discussing it with me,” I told him flatly, meeting his glare with mine.

“That’s not fair, Natalie. It’s completely different.”

“Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.”

His hand cupped his mouth as he took in a deep breath. He looked angry and I could tell he was trying to calm himself before he spoke again.

“I thought New York and L.A. were your only choices. I can make things work in New York or L.A. I can’t make it work in Iowa.”

“Well, New York and L.A. don’t want me,” I said dejectedly. “Am I supposed to give up?”

“Of course not, but there’s got to be a better option than this. Apply again for spring admittance or next year. There’s too much going on right now. Maybe you should hold off for a little while.”

“And keep putting it off until I eventually give up?” I asked softly, meeting his eyes and I could see how worried they were.

“You sound like you’ve already made up your mind then. Why were you even waiting for me to come home?”