The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (12 page)

Separation anxiety is triggered when a parent moves out of visible range. It can start at about six months and generally peaks at around age two. Separating from loved ones is scary for children at certain ages and is an ongoing issue throughout life. Like stranger anxiety, it may occur under many conditions, disappear and reappear
unpredictably, and have different degrees of intensity. Separation anxiety can crop up when a child goes on a sleepover, learns a new skill such as reading, or goes on a vacation. It can resurface with an older child if there’s a divorce or if the child faces any important transition. Again, innies may have a particularly strong reaction to separation. These episodes can be reduced by preparation—alerting your child about upcoming transitions and separations—and handling them in a kind but matter-of-fact way.

The deep roots you establish with your innie will help her to manage in the outside world as she grows up. For example, my daughter Kristen used her bond with her own daughter, Emily, to create bridges to strangers. When passersby smiled at Emily, Kristen smiled back and said, “My little one has delayed smiles, so she’ll be smiling at you in a few minutes.” Strangers usually laughed and smiled back. This kind of action made the world seem friendlier to Emily. As she grows up, her strong bond with her mother and these bridging experiences become internalized. Later on, Emily’s own internal caretaker may remind her, “I have delayed smiles so I better speed up this smile.”

Nurturing Interdependence

“
I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it.” —John Muir

Parents I work with often feel overwhelmed and aren’t sure where to direct their energies. Every aspect of child rearing seems so important. What should they focus on? Understanding what your innie needs makes your job easier and more enjoyable. Knowing innie vulnerabilities relieves the pressure of guesswork. You can be prepared for trouble spots and reduce the urge to blame your child or to experience those awful pangs of parenting guilt. And as for potential behavior problems in the future, you can nip them in the bud.

Every child shows hints and signs of his natural bent. Within your child’s behaviors and moods are clues for how best to parent him. Observing your introverted child’s patterns and noting how your child responds are important ways for you to learn how to meet his needs. Things are not always what they seem at first glance. For example, parents may think their introverted child is highly dependent because he is sensitive or cautious. On the other hand, if an innie tends to be withdrawn or internally focused, he may seem more independent. However, this may or may not be true. Once he’s made his initial assessment of a situation, the cautious child may be quite independent. And the internally focused child may long to be more connected to his parents but simply not know how to tell you what he needs. As you understand your innie’s energy patterns—learn to read his or her needs for connection and solitude, and establish good lines of communication with your child—you will be able to decode subtle signals with increasing ease.

Child rearing is a paradox: A child only develops wings and becomes independent if he has established strong roots of
de
pendence with you. Your child was born with his own little seeds to grow to independence and maturity through his attachment to you. The seemingly opposing capacities of dependence and independence ultimately lead to the most mature relational ability: interdependence.

Here are four vital things you can do to forge close bonds with your innie:

• Offer the assurance of proximity
. Although your innie may be in another room or seem to be oblivious as to the presence of family members, she is actually highly attuned to her parents’ whereabouts. She is calmed by your proximity. You are available if needed. (Talking on the phone is the quickest way to be reminded that a young child needs you. The moment you start talking, your previously happily occupied child suddenly needs your attention so as to be reassured that you know she’s there.)

• Provide a safe haven
. Your innie looks to family members who are familiar, reliable, calm, and caring in order to experience
them as safe havens. Loud voices, tension, and overt fighting undermine this perception of safety. The innie child seeks the comfort of predictability from the parent in order to build trust.

• Teach your innie how to engage and disengage
. This is the delicate dance that underlies all human relationships: engaging and disengaging. Parents teach innies that interacting is fun through enjoyable, affirming engagement—eye contact, conversation, and connection. Disengagement (looking away, quiet time, release) allows the child space to appreciate her or his separateness.

Real communication requires this back-and-forth flow. Without it, interactions are awkward, stilted, and one-sided. You may have talked with someone and noticed a lack of flow. It’s uncomfortable. The ability to engage and disengage establishes the rhythms of relating. This helps children learn to be together and apart, to give and to take, and to communicate in a two-way exchange.

• Offer a portable yet secure base
. You and your child play, talk, have fun, and enjoy each other’s company. Such experiences, repeated again and again, help in the creation of your child’s internal caretaker, which gives her emotional self-sufficiency. They also help her develop a basic sense of self-confidence. Other relationships and learning experiences build on this core sense of self, culminating in an internal sense of security. As she grows up, your child will refer to this built-in secure base and take it wherever she goes. Innies in particular must have a sturdy, internal foundation as they confront a world where they need to adapt.

Child development experts say the capacity for interdependence is built through particular moments in a parent/child relationship, such as when a child is hurt or needs comfort or when parents leave and return. Can the child ask for help and reassurance? Can she acknowledge your leaving and perhaps cry? When the two of you reunite, can she reconnect with you? Can she seek comfort? These
moments heighten her need for you to be a safe, trustworthy person. If you and your child have a good bond, that trust is confirmed. The trust that’s built up enables you to help her overcome the innie’s natural reluctance to venture out into the world. A positive bond develops both aspects of interdependence—dependence and independence—so that your innie can trust others and feel secure in herself.

Teach the Importance of Temperament

“
We have all come on different ships but we’re in the same boat now.” —Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
.

Speak with your children about temperament. Even very young children can understand that people are born with unique personalities. Explain that part of temperament is about where someone gets his energy and where he focuses his attention—inside himself or outside himself. Understanding the idea of temperament will help your child weather any perceived criticisms of his introverted nature; this way he knows there’s a reason for his responses and needs, and he won’t take things as personally. Give him the tools he needs to gauge other people’s temperaments. Accepting that others are different in
their
own way will enhance his people skills and tolerance.

One good way to broach the topic of temperament is to talk about favorite book or movie characters. Is Spider-Man an innie or an outie? What about Harry Potter? How about Ron and Hermione? Are any of the Baudelaire orphans in the
Series of Unfortunate Events
books an innie? What about the characters in Charles Schulz’s
Peanuts
cartoons?

With younger children, you can read books that feature characters with clear temperament types like the Winnie-the-Pooh stories. Discuss how the various characters act. What words would best describe each of them? What makes each unique? How do Christopher Robin and his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood help one another with their different temperaments? Ask your child if he thinks he is more like Eeyore, Pooh, Christopher Robin, Tigger, Kanga or Roo, Piglet or Owl.

Innies and Children’s Literature: Do They Dominate?

One place where innies may be in the majority is the children’s bookshelf. Many protagonists in children’s literature are innies. Why? In part, I’d say this is because they make interesting and complex characters. Literature comes alive when a story is depicted through the eyes of a thoughtful, observant character with a rich inner life. I would add that the authors of children’s literature tend to be innies (creating an entire imaginary world is a quintessential innie task), and they write for a majority of readers who are, themselves, innies. It’s the same for movies with children as the protagonists.

Who are some innies who live on the page? Harry Potter and his friend, studious Hermione Granger. Violet (the brainy inventor) and Klaus (the nonstop reader) in Lemony Snicket’s
A Series of Unfortunate Events
books. Roald Dahl’s heroes, like modest Charlie in
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
and thoughtful Matilda, stuck in a family of loudmouths, in
Matilda
.

Some extroverts I can think of include Lucy in
Peanuts
, Tigger in
Winnie-the-Pooh
, Ariel in
The Little Mermaid
, Samwise Gamgee in
The Lord of the Rings
, Ron Weasley in the
Harry Potter
books, along with Dennis the Menace, Eloise, and Tom Sawyer.

Temperament and Energy

A core difference between innies and outies is the source of their energy: where their
oomph
comes from and how they replenish it. When energy is flagging, kids are more prone to meltdowns, crankiness, indecisiveness, and self-centeredness. Come to think of it, so is anyone.

Picture yourself with a lightbulb affixed to the top of your head. Now imagine that this is connected to a battery, and the battery to a charger. The energy from the charger is flowing into the battery. The battery illuminates the lightbulb. It lights up. Consider what recharges the battery, and what depletes it. An outie replenishes his recharger by being wrapped up in activity. When he is quietly reflecting, energy flows out, leaving the lightbulb dim. Conversely, an innie gets recharged by quiet solo time. When he’s out with lots of people, he loses energy and therefore brightness.

Explain to your innie how personal energy works. This will give her a tangible reason for why she needs breaks. Ask her to imagine the lightbulb on top of her head. What’s the wattage right now? Is it bright, medium, or barely glowing? Point out when she is refueled, “Oh, I see that your bulb is bright.” When her energy shifts from high to low you can say, “It looks like your bulb is barely lit right now.” Explain how taking a relaxing break rekindles the bulb. And how energy level has an affect on her mood and inclination to be with other people.

Note to parents:
Take notice of the relative glow of
your
personal lightbulb. Parenting requires a lot of energy and effort!

Another way to help your child understand temperament is to ask her to think about her friends and teachers. Are any of them introverts? Help her develop concrete examples to support her
opinions and offer positive feedback: “I see what you mean, Kylie. Your friend Max is very quiet when he goes to new places with us. I saw how you helped him by holding his hand.” It will build your child’s confidence to know that she can accurately “read” temperament. Plus, knowing what to expect in a friend’s behavior reduces
an introverted child’s energy outlay. Acknowledge her capacity to notice other children’s behavior and use her ability to help them. Don’t condone any ridiculing of other people. Lead by example, and be open to other points of view. Acknowledge that she may not like all the ways people’s differences manifest themselves.

Helping Innies Be Innies

“
A child is the root of the heart.” —Carolina Maria de Jesus

Often parents of introverts think that they should encourage extroverted traits in their children. Not only is this impossible, like planting a tulip bulb and expecting a rose to miraculously poke out of the soil, but it’s counterproductive. In their classic book
Please Understand Me
, psychologist David Keirsey and coauthor Marilyn Bates caution that introverted children are particularly vulnerable to damage if they are forced to behave as extroverts. Innies are frequently misunderstood, and they are often pressured to function outside of their comfort zones. They aren’t designed to be racy sports cars. They can’t sustain an outgoing, energetic, and chatty extroverting style all the time. Too much extroverting overloads their system and reduces their physical and emotional energy. Innies are reliable station wagons. But without downtime, they have no resources left to develop their natural introverted gifts.

The messages innies receive from their families are crucial. If they get the message that they are bad, defective, or should be more outgoing, they will feel shame about who they are. They will retreat into themselves and conclude that the negative reactions they receive from outside are correct. In order to build a positive view of herself, an innie needs to feel accepted and appreciated in her own family.

One aspect of temperament is how someone gives and receives love. Parents often don’t understand why their child doesn’t feel loved by them. They know they love their child. But telling a child “I love you” isn’t always the best way to convey that message. You need to give your child love in the language he understands. Conveying your love to your child is vitally important. Introverted children may be more subdued in how they receive and express love. But their apparent nonchalance can be deceptive.