The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (9 page)

Is There an Advantage to Temperament Variations?

The New York Times
recently reported findings that appeared in
Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews
that researchers in England, Germany, the Netherlands, France, and at the University of California, Berkeley, are honing in on proving a direct correlation between the neurobiology of the brain and personality traits. Researchers wondered why natural selection doesn’t produce a standard personality in all species—why nature consistently supports a range of traits. To find out, they are studying how genes and environment shape various aspects of personality. They began with the observation that animals, like humans, have a similar range of traits; these are bundled into several personality dimensions, a central one being the introvert/extrovert continuum. They concluded that when humans and animals have a range of responses built into their genes, it expands their chances of survival during environmental variations. In Germany, Dr. Kees van Oers found that in lean food years, bold female chickadees fared better than hesitant females. But hesitant males
had higher survival rates than bold males. During years of abundant food supplies, results were exactly the reverse. Van Oers concluded that when food is scarce, bold females can use their energy and drive to find food. Hesitant males don’t fight as much, so they burn less fuel. In abundant times, bold males can fight
and
feed while hesitant females do fine staying out of the fray.

Studying animals allows researchers to analyze the impact of environment vs. genes on personality. With shorter life spans than humans, generations of such animals can be tracked far faster. “Human mothers will not let you just swap their infants at birth, which would be a great study to do,” says Dr. Samuel Gosling, who studies hyenas.

All of these researchers are finding that personality variations in humans and animals derive largely from brain structure and function. And like humans, animals have consistent temperaments that remain stable over the course of their lives.

Research confirms that extroverted temperaments are the norm in most Western cultures. Since introverts focus on their internal world—a realm the typical extrovert has less access to—they appear mysterious to extroverts. This can unsettle the extrovert, who likes, and even expects, to know where someone else stands. Extroverts may view the introvert, even the introverted child, as unassertive, cool, passive, sneaky, or withholding. This sends the young innie the message that she is not behaving as she should be and that something is wrong with her.

Teacher and researcher Bonnie Golden, M.Ed., conducted a study to see whether extroverts have higher self-esteem because they fit the cultural norm. She asked 258 introverted and extroverted junior college students about their feelings of self-esteem in school, family relationships, friends, and internally. As expected,
the extroverts expressed a higher sense of self-esteem. The central condition that raised self-esteem for extroverts was accomplishing goals. The central condition that raised self-esteem for introverts was
being appreciated
.

What does this mean for raising an introverted child? In her book about personality types,
Gifts Differing
, Isabel Myers observes that extroversion has come to be seen as achieving healthy socialization rather than simply as a style of temperament. The result, she says, is that in Western cultures a penalty is placed on introverts.

As a parent, your job is twofold. First, you need to reestablish the notion of introversion as a temperament rather than as a failure of extroversion. This is important so that your child is better able to accept herself for who she is; and she feels able to articulate her needs without feeling ashamed. Second—and this is what the coming chapters of this book address—you can help give your child the tools needed to flourish in an extroverted world.

Perhaps the most important thing you as a parent can do is to project your acceptance of your child—and his temperament. Paradoxically, feeling accepted for who they are, in all their introverted glory, grants innies the self-esteem needed to test out and develop extroverted skills. As the introverts themselves said in Golden’s study, they need others to
understand
and
appreciate
who they are and what they have to offer.

What Introverts Offer Us

“
Change your thoughts and you change
your world
.” —
Norman Vincent Peale

Although no two introverts are exactly alike, they do share similarities in the way they move through the world. Unfortunately, as we have seen, their way of moving through life is often misunderstood
or devalued. But extroverts can learn a great deal by paying attention to introverts.

No doubt reflecting the fact that extroverts outnumber introverts by a three-to-one margin, American culture values doing over being. I think we can even safely say that our culture values
overdoing
. Introverts have the need to counterbalance doing with being. In this way, introverts can serve as anchors for the extroverts in their lives and offset the extroverted tendency to spin into action at a high velocity. Introverts remind us to stop and consider before acting. They also remind all of us to downshift, to enjoy hanging out, and to make time for reflection.

Introverts broaden the continuum of human behavior and show that there is more than one way to be. Without some introverted balance, extroverts can become too externalized and too dependent on others’ opinions. Introverts can show extroverts the value of checking in with oneself. Innies remind all of us that each person has a valuable perspective to contribute. Extroverts can be so oriented toward others that they forget to pause and consider their own needs and beliefs.

Extroverts can at times react without reflection. Introverts demonstrate the importance of pausing to relish introspection; their deliberateness shows the benefits of taking time before acting. They remind us to slow down, conserve our energy, and restore ourselves. Even extroverts need to retreat from the hubbub occasionally, and introverts can show them how to do so in a way that feels safe and pleasurable.

Introverts enjoy focusing on one thing in depth, and they are able to create long-terms goals based on well-thought-out ideas. They like to assess the results and to revel in what they’ve accomplished, rather than racing on to the next challenge. Innies also show us how to be in the moment. They demonstrate how to savor the blush on a pear, the scent of honeysuckle, and the sound of birds singing a few notes in the garden. They remind us to be quiet and hear our internal world.

Helping Your Innie Child Reap Introvert Advantages

“
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it
.” —
Doug Larson

Because of the way they’re hardwired, innie children are primed to enjoy the following twelve advantages. Parents can give these children a helping hand so that they can understand and use their potential strengths and brainpower. If they can embrace these advantages and learn to use them in positive ways, introverted children will be well on their way to forging a fulfilling life path.

1. Introverts Have Rich Inner Lives

“Do you believe in God?” seven-year-old Adam asks me when we meet. He goes on to say, “My family isn’t religious, but my friend Kesah goes to church every Sunday.” I respond to his interest in religion and say, “Yes, I do. Sounds like you are wondering about God and what other people believe. People all over the world have many different religious beliefs.” “I’m still thinking about it,” he says. I can almost see the little wheels turning inside his head. “I’m sure you will decide what you believe,” I add.

Introverted children know they have an interior world. It is ever present and alive for them. Rather than constantly turning to others, they rely on their interior resources to guide them. In their private garden away from the material world they concentrate and puzzle out complex and intricate thoughts and feelings. This allows them to engage with the deeper aspects of life. They want to know what things mean, why something matters. They’re not afraid of the big questions. They can step outside themselves and reflect on their own behavior. As with many things, it is a double-edged sword: This interiority gives them rich inner resources, but it can also lead to feeling isolated.

Innie children want to understand themselves and those around
them, to know what makes people tick. They are observers and watch other kids. They are less vulnerable to peer pressure since their own internal thoughts and feelings serve as a base for them. They make decisions based on their own values and standards rather than running with the pack.

It’s important for parents and other key people in introverts’ lives to help them express their thoughts and ideas. Without the experience of talking with others, innies won’t learn how to value, trust, and manage their interiority. Without enough interaction with similar-minded children or adults they begin to think that other kids don’t share their experiences, that the tenor of their private thoughts separates them from others. Innie children will feel less alone if they are given the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings with other children. When this happens, everybody benefits.

Cherish your innie’s interiority. Chat with him about your thoughts and feelings. Ask for his responses and ideas, making sure to pause so he has enough breathing room to answer. Recognize that innies care about purpose, meaning, and feeling connected to others. Find ways for him to contribute by volunteering in an area of interest, hook him up with a pen pal in another country, or encourage him to give to a charity in some way that is comfortable to him. If you aren’t religious, you can find a mentor or religious person for him to talk to about his spiritual thoughts and questions. Help him make sense of all he notices, affirm his appreciation of nature, reduce his sense of isolation, and give him a means of directing his compassion.

2. Innies Know How to Smell the Roses

Isabella’s mother tells Marcie’s dad, “All I ever hear is, ‘I want to go over to Marcie’s house, she has her very own room.’” Isabella, who shares a room with two noisy, extroverted sisters, loves the peace and quiet of Marcie’s room. Marcie regards her bedroom as a sanctuary and can amuse herself there for hours: watching her two pet tropical fish, adding to her collection of nature drawings. At times, she enjoys sharing her retreat by having her best friends come over.
Isabella in particular loves to refuel in Marcie’s calm and peaceful play space.

Innies show us how to “stop and smell the roses.” Introverted children savor the little things, the details many people pass by without notice. There doesn’t have to be a lot of bells and whistles for them to find something fascinating. Often they don’t even need to leave home to keep themselves occupied and interested.

The classic film
To Kill a Mockingbird
opens with a leisurely shot that pans young Scout’s tattered cigar box. We are invited into her inner sanctum. Inside the box are coins, marbles, crayons, beads, dolls, a harmonica, and a pocket watch. We immediately know that Scout values the small things in life; they are a comfort to her. (Mary Badham, the introverted actress who played Scout, said that working on this film was like having a transparent glass jar dropped over her—she felt stared at by everyone. She never acted in another film.)

Innies remind us that we really don’t need so many fancy material things; they enjoy a slower pace and focusing on life’s simple joys. Validate your innie’s ability to savor a leisurely walk, a sprint through the water sprinkler, building blanket tents in the living room, watching
Lady and the Tramp
for the umpteenth time, or staying home and coloring. Let yourself slow down from time to time so that you can enjoy this with her. Introverted children remind us that real life is in these moments.

3. Innies Have a Love of Learning

“Do you know what the rings of Saturn are made of?” Justin asks me as he enters my office. The week before we had looked at pictures of Saturn together in a science book. “I think the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena has pictures on their Web site,” I offer. “Want to look?” “Yeah,” he says, with uncharacteristic excitement. We lean forward and “ooh” and “aah” over the incredible close-up images of the rings. Eight-year-old Justin asks informed, intelligent questions about their composition. From his questions, I learn a lot about Saturn myself.

Ironically, Justin’s parents brought him to see me because they were worried about his intelligence. Although he wasn’t doing so well in school—he had trouble tolerating the intense stimulation of his classroom’s extroverted style—it was obvious that he had a deep thirst for knowledge.

In general, a high percentage of introverted children grow up to attend college. Here, they may begin to enjoy learning in a whole new way, as their learning styles are better suited to higher education. College work rewards many innie strengths, such as learning by listening to lectures, taking essay exams, analyzing complex issues, being self-motivated, and choosing one’s own course of study. College study also requires good reading and writing skills, and many innies are good writers. Often they keep journals or do other kinds of writing without anyone knowing about it (the proverbial novel kept in the drawer). They usually enjoy reading as well. Innie children, for instance, may like to read aloud (if not under pressure), read silently to themselves, and be read to (or listen to a book on tape).

Support your innie’s love of learning. Introverts need lots of information to feed their brains. They are continually comparing and contrasting what they are learning with their own personal reactions—that internal voice is always chatting away. Without compelling data to fuel their thoughts they can become bored, self-critical, or even depressed. They need lots of relevant input to satisfy their curiosity and interests.