The House of Roses (30 page)

“
Caren.” 

He'd forgotten she was coming. Colin opened the door, as his brain began functioning again. Caren stood smiling on the other side.

“
Hi, Caren. Thanks for coming on such short notice.”

“
I probably would have come anyway. I'm worried about you.”

“
I'm fine,” Colin said softly, as Caren arched a brow at him.

“
You don't look fine.”

“
I'm not,” he whined, sounding like a child. “It hurts like hell, and I took a pill, which seems to have done more to my head than my knee.”

“
Did you eat?” Caren asked.

Colin looked away, but not before replying. “No,” he said, in little more than a whisper.

“
Colin!”

“
I know.”

“
I know, too. I know you doctor types. Good thing I came prepared.”

“
You brought food?” he asked, eying the paper sack she held. Caren nodded. “What did you bring me?”

“
Comfort food.”

“
Oh, Caren. I love you!” Colin said, sounding momentarily better.

“
Pastrami on rye with a side of fries, and don't think you're going to be eating like this when I'm running this place,” she said, setting the greasy bag on the breakfast bar. “Wow, it is small, isn't it?” she said, looking around for the first time.

“
Yes. Small and ugly.”

“
Not so much ugly, but it's very beige.”

“
It came with the beige.”

“
The pictures are..........,” Caren trailed off, trying to find something positive about the unattractive condo.

“
The pictures came with it, too.”

“
Ah,” Caren said, failing to find anything nice to say.

“
I want to buy a house. Someplace near a good school for Mia,” Colin said, and Caren was impressed.

“
Where does she go to school now?” Caren asked.

“
I'm not sure,” he admitted. He felt badly about that, but without looking at her chart, he legitimately couldn't remember.

“
Do you think it's wise to make her change schools?  Especially given what she's about to face?” Caren asked, and Colin looked at her. He hadn't thought about it.

“
Hmm, probably not. I don't know much about kids, I guess,” he admitted.

“
Good news. I do,” she said, as she watched Colin dig into the sandwich and fries.

“
When was the last time you ate?” she asked.

“
Last night on the plane,” he admitted, wiping his mouth on a paper napkin the size of a postage stamp. Suddenly he set the sandwich aside and began to cry. Caren wasn't sure how to react, and for a moment she just looked at him.

“
Are you all right?” she asked softly.

“
No.”

“
What can I do?” she asked, and Colin smiled through his tears.

“
You're going to be good to me, aren't you?” he asked.

“
Yes, and I'm starting now. What's wrong, Colin?”

“
I don't know, maybe it's the medication.”

“
Maybe it's not.”

“
I didn't figure you'd buy that,” he said.

“
Nope.”

“
My life was never like this, Caren. I got up, I went to work, I jogged in Central Park, I spent time with Cate. I had a routine. My life was orderly. I don't know what's happening to me. Everything is a mess, and I find myself crying all the time.”  Colin paused, but before Caren could respond, he made an admission. “I saw her today,” he said. “She was so beautiful, Caren. You know how you when you love someone, and you're apart, sometimes you begin to idolize them, to make them into something they're not?”

“
Yes, I know what you mean.”

“
It's not like that with Cate. She really is as beautiful as I remember. I just stood there looking at her, amazed she was standing in front of me. Then I kissed her.”

“
You did?” Caren said. Colin wiped his eyes on his sleeve and nodded.

“
Yeah,” he said, blushing like a teenager. “I think she kissed me back.”

“
Did your knees go weak?” she asked, and he smiled.

“
I'm not sure. It was after the knee injury. My knees were already weak.”

“
Do you still love her?” she asked, sounding serious.

“
Yes.”

“
How did you leave it with her?”

“
She said she'd call.”

“
She will.”

“
I hope so,” Colin said.

Thirty-five

Caren left at 5:00, and by then Colin had begun to feel human again. By 6:30, he was in a taxi heading toward the restaurant. His stomach churned as he thought of Rosario, and of Mia.
How did one tell a child her mother was dying?
  Mia would be frightened, and Colin wasn't sure how he would comfort her. He would have to defer to Rosario for that, and he'd have to learn as much as he could from her before her tired body finally gave out and she took her final breath. Not a man normally prone to prayer, Colin said a silent one, hoping God was listening. He asked God to give Rosario just a little bit more time, and although it felt selfish, he had Mia's best interest at heart. He needed the child's mother to show him how to be a parent. He had no idea, and the thought terrified him.

His stomach lurched again as the cab pulled up in front of the restaurant. The twenty five minute ride had passed quickly, too quickly for a man as frightened as Colin. He paid the driver, and stepped out of the taxi, leaning on the cane Caren had purchased for him that afternoon. He was unfamiliar with the restaurant. He had deferred to Rosario for that, too. Colin doubted he could eat, and his head was beginning to throb, keeping perfect time with the pain pulsing through his leg.

The restaurant was dark and it took a moment for his eyes to adjust. The smell of the food hit his nostrils and his stomach lurched, and Colin was surprised to find it lurched from hunger, not fear. He spotted Rosario sitting on a bench in a corner. She stood when she saw him. Colin gasped. She was beautiful, stunning even, and for a moment, Colin had an image of what Mia would look like as a grown woman. He would be an old man when that day came, but the little girl who would grow under his watchful eye would be a beauty. He smiled, despite his fear, and Rosario smiled back. To a passerby, she would not have looked like a woman facing death. Her hair had been cut and styled, and lay softly on her shoulders. She wore a red dress that fit her thin body perfectly, and she stood proud in elegant black pumps. Even from across the room he could feel her emotion, and see her eyes were moist. Although it was Caitlin his heart longed for, for a moment he was taken by Rosario's beauty, and more than anything, Colin wished she was his date, not a dying friend whose last wish he was prepared to grant. Slowly he limped toward her, the cane helping to support his weight.

“
Rosario, you look lovely,” Colin said.

He took her hand in his, and lost in the moment, he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to hers. It felt appropriate, although it seemed awkward. There was no passion in the kiss, although Rosario's lips trembled beneath his, and when Colin pulled back, he saw tears on her cheeks. He brushed them away with the fingers on his right hand, and as he did, he felt a tug on his left hand, the hand that held the cane. He looked to see Mia at his side.

“
What happened to you?” she asked.

“
I fell,” Colin said, and when Rosario sat back on the bench, he did as well. It felt good to take the weight off his injured leg, and it put him eye level with the little girl.

“
You're not going to die, are you?” Mia asked, looking genuinely frightened.

“
No,” Colin said.

He watched Mia's face register relief, and he looked at her eyes.
She knew
. Rosario had told her. He didn't need to be a father to notice, it was enough to be a doctor, an observer, a man. Where there had once been great light shining from the little girl's eyes, there was now resignation. Despite the horror that lay in wait inside the child's body, life had radiated from those eyes, the two pools of amber in the perfect little face. The light that had burned there could have guided sailors home, and Colin felt a tiny part of him die as he realized it was gone. Part of Mia's childhood had also died, gone forever, stolen away by a reality a child should never face.

Carefully Mia climbed into Colin's lap. She laid her head on his shoulder, and gently he put his arms around her, folding her into a safe embrace. Rosario wept at his side, and again he reached for her hand. She nodded, answering the question in his eyes. She had told Mia, and he couldn't imagine the resolve it had taken for her to do that. Her strength and dignity impressed him.

“
It will be okay,” he whispered, and Rosario smiled through her tears.

“
Your table is ready,” a voice said above them, and Colin looked up to see a young woman he assumed was the hostess.

“
Thank you,” Colin said, surprised by the unsteadiness in his voice.

“
If you'll come with me,” the hostess said and Colin nodded.

“
Let's go, sweetheart,” Colin said to Mia, who raised her head to look at him.

“
Can Mama come?” she asked, with fear in her eyes.

“
Yes,” Colin said, through a sob forming in his throat.

“
Mama's right here, mija,” Rosario said in little more than a whisper.

Colin felt a pain in his chest, that if not for his emotion and medical training, would have truly frightened him. His heart was breaking for the little girl whose hand he held tightly, and for the woman pressed against his side. He had never doubted his own strength, but suddenly he wasn't sure he could stand, and it had nothing to do with the injury to his leg. He sat for another moment on the bench with the two beautiful women, one he would help to die with dignity, and the second, he would help find a way to live again when the other was gone.

“
Do you like chocolate milk?” Mia asked, and for a moment the tension was broken.

Colin nodded and sighed with relief, and he felt Rosario relax beside him. Rosario stood and offered her hand, which he took. Colin stood, and Mia reached out her hand. He handed the cane to Rosario, took Mia's hand in his much larger one, and the three walked hand in hand behind the hostess, deep into the restaurant, toward an uncertain future they were prepared to face together.

***

Caitlin watched as Liz Parker drove away. She could hear voices coming from the farmhouse and although she was drawn to them, she needed some time to herself. She and Liz had alternately visited Ella at the allotted times, and although the visits had been brief, Caitlin felt emotionally drained.

She quietly padded across the lawn, conscious of the leaf cover beneath her feet, and the blanket of stars above her head. She paused, and looked into the night sky. Thousands of stars, like tiny angels, winked back at her, and for a moment she was taken by their beauty. She'd forgotten how glorious the night sky could be. The stars in the New York City sky disappeared behind light pollution, and as Caitlin stood staring at their unmarred magnificence, she realized that a part of her had disappeared in the city. It wasn't the city's fault, it was something she'd simply let happen, something so gradual that it went unnoticed, until the last star winked out, and a part of her disappeared with it. Suddenly it seemed as though she had found it, that lost piece of herself. It was here, in this place, in the little village of  New Hope, where she had left it. She had left the childish part of her behind, the part that was brave enough to dream, to think that anything was possible.

Her feet moved soundlessly over the soft ground, and she was drawn to the solitude of Rita's shop. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

She was surrounded by the smell of flowers, and earth, and felt herself calm as she stood in the dark. The harvest moon cast shadows that danced off the clean surfaces.

Caitlin took her phone from her purse, and dialed the number before she could change her mind. Her call went right to voice mail. The rich voice was the same one she heard in her head, and her heart raced as she listened.

“
You have reached Doctor Colin Thomas. Please leave a message at the tone.”  The tone sounded, and Caitlin inhaled sharply.

“
Colin, it's Cate. It was good to see you today. I hope you're feeling better, and I would like to see you. I'm sorry I was standoffish. Things have been really crazy lately, more so than you could possibly imagine. Please call me some time. I need to talk to you.”