The Language Inside (51 page)

so despite what

Samnang said

about me not needing to go

YiaYia drives us

to the Buddhist temple

where we pay our respects

to Chea Pen and his family

I show YiaYia
sompeas

on the way in

and she even does it

and holds the incense sticks

and sets them in the pot

everyone is in black and white

and I recognize a Newall aide there

and a dancer from the troupe

and we catch a glimpse of Lily

but not Samnang

before we have to leave

afterward we shop at three different markets

because YiaYia doesn’t like supermarkets

long as football fields

then we stop at an ATM in a plaza

with a Whole Foods

and I say
what’s that?

too expensive
YiaYia says

but I say
can’t we just go in?

she says
we’ve finished all the shopping

but I beg and she says grudgingly

all right, go see what it’s like

but just for a minute

then she comes in with me

I gaze at the produce

pick up some shiitake

white and purple eggplant

greens that look like
komatsuna

and sesame seeds for
ohitashi

I offer to cook that night

to make rice,
ohitashi

grilled eggplant with ginger

and salmon done with

soy sauce, sake and lemon

like we make in Kamakura

so YiaYia supervises

and even gives me a few tips

like using white wine since there’s no sake

the way to do spinach in a steamer

and how to cook rice

without a rice cooker

Mom brightens

says it’s a perfect dinner

and even calls Dad to tell him

on Thursday I still don’t see Samnang at school

so I text him in the evening

when I think all the ceremonies might be done

               ask how he’s doing

               if he’ll join the poetry workshop

but he texts back
I’ll pass

and a few minutes later

adds
I’m seeing my dad Sat

I text back

your dad? should you?

but he doesn’t reply

on Friday night

I text Samnang again
you ok?

he texts back
for now

I call him

hey, are you really okay?

yep, doing great

voice low and empty

you’re not
I say

are you seriously going to see your dad?

yeah
he says

and something about the way he says it

makes me uneasy

is that a good idea?
I say

I can hear his sharp intake of breath

then I can make out voices, music

people in the background

Samnang! where are you?

some party

are you drinking?

not yet

don’t!
I say

Samnang, get out of there

just walk out the door and come get me

I’ll be outside my grandmother’s house

he’s silent

but I hear his breathing

and I wait through

five inhales

and five exhales

yeah, okay

Mom is in bed, Toby beside her

they’re watching a movie

and I tell her I’m going out

with Samnang for a bit

she pauses the movie

asks Toby to refill her water glass

and when Toby’s out of earshot

I say
he just needs to talk

I’ll be back soon

my phone is charged

her eyes are stern

I know it’s late
I say

but he’s a careful driver

and I’ll call

if I need someone

to come get me

I put on my jacket, scarf, hat, gloves

and wait at the end of the driveway

jumping up and down and doing arm circles

hoping he really will come

finally I see his headlights

but when I climb in the passenger seat

there’s a six-pack on the floor

with one can missing

where’s that one?
I ask

out the window
he says

did you open it?

yeah, then I chucked it at a tree

why’d you open it?
I ask

no reason

there’s always a reason
I say

and I tell him to go somewhere we can talk

instead of driving around

heading nowhere

we park at a diner

go inside

order ginger ales

and french fries

the reason
I say
tell me

he rubs his hands over his face

all through his hair, then says

I don’t know

Lok Ta Chea—it hit me hard

I wait

push the fries toward him

he gulps his ginger ale

he starts again

it’s just the push and pull of people

that gets to me

some people expect me to

do this

others that

I’m supposed to be

Cambodian one minute

American the next

my elders want this

my teachers want that