The Language Inside (60 page)

I hear my mother and Toby

I feel myself led

to my mother’s bed in the den

I feel my shoes removed

               by Samnang

my coat removed

               by Samnang

smelling his head

hot, damp and not yet showered

after dance

and I hear some words

               
stay

sit

                                        
Emma

                         
while

it seems everyone has left

the voices are farther

the dark is smooth

then the edge of the bed

               dips

and someone is

beside me

with me

Samnang

still

and quiet

he takes my hand

and I curl against him

and sleep

he’s gone of course

when I wake in the night

and go out to the kitchen

for some toast which I eat

sitting on the counter

in the ghostly blue streetlight

and in my head I hear

hey

and I think

maybe now

I’ll start to know

my life

in the study I find my phone

in my bag on the floor

and from the bed set up for my mom

I call Samnang

wake him

apologize

we murmur

our voices low

both of us half-asleep

you were a great Hanuman
I tell him

thanks
he says
sorry you got sick

he tells me he sat and talked

with my mom and Toby after I fell asleep

before YiaYia got home

he tells me Mom asked him

if he knew

what I’d decided

               and he said he didn’t

               but he hoped I’d stay

               even though he understood

               that maybe I needed to go

and she said she felt exactly the same

she mentioned a dance project
he says

and I realize I haven’t told him

my plans for Dance for Tohoku

I close my eyes and tell Samnang my idea

the vision that was so clear

in that creative burst

during my last migraine

my dance program

of hip-hop

followed by
soran bushi

more hip-hop

a folk dance from Tohoku

then a circle dance of
tanko bushi

with the audience

all to raise money for Tohoku

and I tell him what Tracy suggested

tanko bushi
for halftime shows

then the full program in March

but the full program doesn’t feel quite full enough

I say groggily

the program needs more . . . something

then Samnang says soft but so clear

that the words plunge deep into my ear

maybe you should add some other kind of dance

like Cambodian

Cambodian?
I say

to raise money for Tohoku?

yeah, like the fishing dance

or the monkey dance

I don’t get it
I say

how does that relate to Japan?

well, in the villages where my relatives live

tons of things were funded by Japanese NPOs—

               
schools, wells, irrigation systems, even some of the houses

you could mix in Cambodian dance

Cambodian dancers raising money, too

as a kind of thank-you to Japan

I take this in

what he’s saying

my eyes wide open now

you mean, like, some members of your troupe

plus the school dance club

performing together?

why not?
he says

and I smile

there on my mother’s healing bed

in my grandmother’s den

holding the voice of Samnang

close to my ear

that

would be amazing
I say

yeah
he says

but Samnang
I whisper

if we did that

we’d have to start practicing soon

to be ready for the one-year anniversary

and I hear his breath catch

as he calculates

that date

I sleep late

shower

eat cereal

and finally

call Madoka

midnight

her time

turn on Skype

I tell her

please