Read The Language Inside Online
Authors: Holly Thompson
like how not right away?
he says
like . . . I’d be able to get my permit
and your license?
not my license
I’d go back with my father
to start school in January
I hear a door bang shut
or a book thrown
then he’s wheezing
and I count seven inhales
and seven exhales
yeah, but . . .
he says
I know
I say
then I tell him I need to walk
for a bit, just think
that I need him to stay on the line
and he agrees
I go around to the front of the house
and make my way up the street
over the cracks and swollen
root wounds of the sidewalk
I like that he’s okay with silence
as if he’s walking with me
I like that he doesn’t feel the need
to fill the quiet every second
look
Samnang eventually says
I get it about being pushed and pulled
and pressure and guilt
but you can help from here
I know I can
I say
but now they’re saying I can go back
and I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what’s right
well, I can’t tell you what’s right
he says
I know, I’m not asking you to
but Samnang, whichever way I decide
I think I may have to try on the idea
before I make it final
Emma
he suddenly says
stay
he’s never spoken to me like this
with my name and a command
why?
I ask
he hedges
there are plenty of reasons
he says
but the vagueness bothers me
like?
I ask, just wanting to hear him say
but then his voice turns sharp
like figure it out!
he says
and hangs up
I hide out in my room
till YiaYia calls me down for dinner
which I hardly touch
then I go upstairs to write in my journal
but I end up just staring
at a blank page
the next morning
I get an email from Madoka
who must have heard from her parents
that my father’s going back
she says she’ll be preparing for high-school entrance exams
she says she’ll be busy but we can study together if I like
she says we can have dinner together now and then
but her words are muted
she doesn’t say she’s pleased
or is waiting for me
I disappear into homework
wishing Samnang would call
but he doesn’t
and I can’t say I blame him
Jae-Sun is mad at me when I mention
the possibility of my going back, saying
I already committed to Boston Model UN
so why can’t I just stay till that’s over
you flip-flopped
he says
my parents flip-flopped
I say
I decide not to say anything to Tracy
until I really know what I’m doing
Samnang is sullen
distant and cool
when we meet
in the halls at school
but by Wednesday
when we drive to the Newall Center
he’s thawed some
focusing less on later
and more on now
which is what I want to do
for a change
we skirt the topic of my decision
talk about our classes
our plans with Leap Sok and Zena
even dance
he tells me he consulted the dance troupe director
even checked with the other dancers
and they said I can join the practices
from next week after their performance
he adds
I asked about summers, too
in case you want to join in
whenever you’re back here
thanks
I say
as he parks at the center
so grateful that he’s waiting
patient
not pressing me
for an answer
on my decision
we sign in
and elevator up
to the wards
to our patients’ rooms