The Language Inside (59 page)

Friday is the performance

and YiaYia drops me off

because there’s some PTA

event at Toby’s school

so I sit by myself in the crowd

reading each word of the program

when the lights dim

five dancers come onstage

and I recognize the blessing dance

the girls with the silver cups

tossing petals

for peace, prosperity

and health

I wait for Samnang

all through the pestle dance

with Sovann and Paul

beating the long

pestle poles on the ground

and Nary and others dancing

               feet fast

between the poles

all through the

slow and formal fan dance

by the girls

I wait

knowing that like those girls

he has to be

sewn into his costume

that it takes more than an hour

to ready for his role

but finally Serey is there

onstage

alone

in an orange skirt

and gold top

and gold tail

and headdress

as the mermaid

Sovann Machha

she dances

around the stage

in stately circles

and slow one-legged turns

her hands curving through the air

then Hanuman

the white monkey king

appears

and Hanuman is Samnang

and I know this is his first time

dancing this role

before an audience

Samnang follows Serey around the stage

in all her mermaid’s glitter

and my heart races for him

he bounds monkey-like

holds his dagger high

approaches her from all sides

and in the end

he wins her over

and cartwheels offstage

after a celebratory coconut dance

there’s another classical dance

then for the last piece

Samnang is onstage again

in loose blue trousers

with all the dancers—

it’s the fishing dance

with the flirting guys

circling the shy girls

the advances

the rebuffs

the beat

of the bamboo fish traps

on the floor

I love this one

and I am hoping

especially I can

learn this dance

but near the end of the fishing dance

I lose one performer

then another

and when I try to see Samnang

his whole body disappears

I want it to be just

the after-blindness

from someone’s flash

or a stage light

but it’s not

I sink down in my chair

put on my coat

cover my head

with my scarf

the lights come up

the applause is too loud

people rise all around me

I let them climb over my knees

file out

while I stay in my seat

quiet

hidden

eventually Samnang finds me

when the numbness

is in my jaw

and up my arm

and I’m blind and

the crescent of triangles

is flickering and arcing

                                        right

                                             out

                                                  of

                                             his

                                          head

hey

he says

knowing

I reach my hand out

he takes it

squats down

kisses my hair

and helps me up

and outside to the parking lot

inside the car I’m shivering

Samnang reclines my seat

blasts the heat

covers me with his jacket

drives

when we stop

he helps me into

YiaYia’s house