Read The Language Inside Online
Authors: Holly Thompson
when I can finally see her on the screen
seated at her desk
face brightened by her study lamp
her favorite sax-player posters
Sadao Watanabe, Kaori Kobayashi and Mindi Abair
barely visible in the dark behind her
I take a long breath and say
I won’t be coming back with my father
there are too many reasons to stay—
my mom, Zena, dance
Samnang . . .
she smiles, wearily, says it’s okay
she hadn’t expected I would
and had worried that I actually might
even though I shouldn’t
when I squint at her, puzzled
she elaborates
just take care of your mother
that’s your obligation now
and I marvel at how in just a couple months
my thinking seems to have shifted slightly
like a fault slip in an earthquake
away from Madoka’s clear-cut view of life
with obligation guiding everything
and I’m glad that I made this decision
not just by ranking my obligations
maybe I have
become a little more of an
amerika-jin
but Miyagi
I say
your relatives need so much help
your grandparents, your cousins, those towns
up and down the coast of Tohoku . . .
Emma
she says
it’s just a half year or so, right?
and besides, other people are helping, too
that’s everyone’s responsibility, not just yours
well, tell your cousins
I haven’t forgotten them
I say
and that I’m starting a project
to raise money for their schools
so we’ll want to know what they need—
can you ask them to make some lists?
talk with their teachers, start thinking
of what they might purchase
with funds we raise?
I explain my dance idea—
Tracy’s crazy suggestion
of
tanko bushi
at halftime
and the full Dance for Tohoku program
for the one-year anniversary
Emma-chan, sugoi!
—great!
they need so much
she says
band instruments, sports uniforms, cameras . . .
everything was swept away
then she tells me about the service for her aunt
changes in her grandparents’ town
and the plans for rebuilding
we’ll do what we can to help
I say
after we end our Skype
I shut myself in my room
and make a card
using the outline of a runner
I find on the Internet
shaped a bit like my mother
traced again and again
to create a woman speeding
across the page
inside
I write my message
with my revised poem
a healing breast
on a running woman
is hardly noticed
early afternoon I give my mother the card
and I tell her I look forward
to being her pacer
when she starts running again
in spring
and suddenly she’s bawling
like she hasn’t ever let herself cry
through any of this cancer mess
YiaYia comes running
followed by Toby
and at first they wonder
what I did now
to upset Mom
but I tell them my decision
and Toby does this new high five
he’s been trying to teach me
and my mom smiles through her tears
and YiaYia hugs me tight
then I call my father in New York
and he is so relieved
he sounds like he might cry, too
finally I call Samnang
hey
he says
hey
I say
you decided
he says
I decided
I say
well?
he asks
can you come get me?
I say
now? I’m at my mother’s
and I’m watching Lena and Van
can’t someone else stay with them?
he takes forever to think this over
and I have to summon all
my Japanese patience
as I wait
let me see what I can do
he finally says
it may take me half an hour, okay?
finally an hour later he rings the doorbell
sticks his head inside to tell YiaYia
he’ll have me home by dinner
then takes my hand
on the walkway I pause to face him
as he eyes me with anticipation
I ask if he can take me to a place
where we can see water
if not the sea
at least a pond
or lake
or river
so we can talk
there are about two hours
left of daylight
he looks toward the car
examines the sky
scrunches his face
let me call Serey
he says
and I squint at him thinking
what?
for a while
he paces up and down the sidewalk
smiling, waving his hands
jabbering into his cell phone
then he returns to me
I asked her to come,
too
he says
and to my quizzical look
he bursts out laughing
pats my shoulder and says
kidding!
she was giving me directions