The Last Straw (3 page)

[Image: a boy is patting the sand as the other stands near with a shovel.] The caption reads: "PAT PAT"

Monday

Well, my week got off to a rough start. When I got out of bed, Mom's bathrobe wasn't where it usually is, hanging on my doorknob.

I asked Mom if she took the robe back, but she said she didn't. So I have a feeling Dad had something to do with it.

44

A couple of days ago, I figured out a way to combine the bathrobe experience and the heating vent experience, and I don't think Dad really approved of my idea.

[Image: A boy opens the door to find another singing in his gown.] The caption reads: "AAAAAAAAHHHH!

FWOOSH"

I figure he either hid the robe or got rid of it. Now that I think of it, Dad made a run to the Goodwill bin last night after dinner, so that's probably not a good sign.

Anyway, if Dad DID get rid of the robe, it wouldn't be the first time he's thrown out someone's personal property. You know how Manny has been trying to quit using his pacifier?

45

Yesterday morning Dad got rid of every single one of Manny's binkies.

Well, Manny totally freaked out. The only way Mom could get him to calm down was to dig out his old blanket, this thing he calls "Tingy."

Tingy started off as a blue blanket that Mom knitted for Manny's first birthday, and it was love at first sight.

[Image: A lady is showing something to the little baby.]

Manny carried that thing around with him everywhere he went. He wouldn't even let Mom take it away from him so she could WASH it.

It started falling apart, and by the time Manny was two, his blanket was basically a couple of pieces of yarn held together by raisins and boogers.

46

I think that's when Manny started calling his blanket "Tingy."

[Image: cartoon of two snakes.]

For the past couple of days, Manny's been dragging Tingy around the house just like he did when he was a baby, and I've been trying to stay out of his way as much as possible.

[Image: A boy sitting on a sofa looking at the younger one.]

Wednesday

I'm getting really tired of walking to school every day, so this morning I asked Mom if she would drive me and Rowley. The reason I didn't ask her sooner is because Mom's car is covered in all these embarrassing bumper stickers, and kids at my school are brutal when it comes to that sort of thing.

47

I've tried scraping the bumper stickers off, but whatever kind of glue they put on those things is meant to last until the end of time.

[Image: A board of a school.] The caption reads: "My child is a graduate of

Tender Cuddles Preschool

"

Today me and Rowley got a ride from Mom, but I told her to let us out BEHIND the school.

[Image: Two boys thank the lady in the car.] The caption reads: "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP YOU OFF?

YEP, THANKS FOR THE RIDE!"

48

Well, I made the dumb mistake of leaving my backpack in the car, so Mom brought it to me in fourth period. And of course she picked TODAY to finally start going to the gym.

[Image: A lady gives a bag to a boy in his class.] The caption reads: "YOU FORGOT THIS, SWEETIE!"

It was just my luck, too. Fourth period is the only time I have a class with Holly Hills, and I've been trying to make a good impression on her this year. I figure this incident probably set me back about three weeks.

I'm not the only one who's trying to impress Holly Hills, either. I think just about every boy in my class has a crush on her.

49

Holly is the fourth-prettiest girl in the class, but the top three all have boyfriends. So a lot of guys like me are doing everything they can to get in good with her.

I've been trying to come up with an angle to separate myself from the rest of the goobers who like Holly. And I think I finally figured it out: humor.

See, the kids in my class are like Neanderthals when it comes to jokes. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's the kind of thing that passes for comedy at my school-

[Image: A man kicking the boy.] The caption reads: "HAR HAR HAR!

TRIP"

Anytime Holly's in the area, I make sure I use my best material.

50

I've been using Rowley as my comedy partner, and I've actually trained him on a couple of pretty decent jokes.

[Image: Five boys in conversation.] The caption reads: "WHATCHYA DOIN'?

WHERE'D YA GET IT?

EATIN' CHOCOLATE.

A DOGGIE DROPPED IT!

HEH HEH HEH."

The only problem is, Rowley's starting to get a little greedy about who gets to say what, so I don't know if this partnership is gonna work out long-term.

[Image: Two boys talking.] The caption reads: "CAN I DO THE "DOGGIE DROPPED IT" PART?

UM...I DON'T THINK SO."

51

Friday

Well, I learned my lesson about getting a ride from Mom, so I'm back to walking to school. But when I was heading home with Rowley this afternoon, I seriously didn't think I had the energy to make it up the hill to my house. So I asked Rowley if he'd give me a piggyback ride.

Rowley didn't exactly jump at the idea, so I had to remind him that we're best friends and this is the kind of thing best friends do for each other. He finally caved when I offered to carry his backpack for him.

[Image: A boy carrying the other on his shoulder.] The caption reads: "GASP WHEEZE"

52

I have a feeling this was a one-time thing, though, because Rowley was completely wiped out by the time he dropped me off at my house. You know, if the school is going to take away our bus ride home, the least they can do is install a ski lift on our hill.

[Image: Two boys sitting and waiting at a stop.]

I've e-mailed the principal about five times with my suggestion, but I haven't heard anything back yet.

When I got to my house, I was pretty tired, too. My new thing is that I take a nap every day after school.

53

In fact, I LIVE for my naps. Sleeping after school is the only way I can really recharge my batteries, and on most days the second I get home, I'm in bed.

[Image: A boy jumps into his bed.] The caption reads: "AAAAAAAHHH!"

I'm actually kind of becoming an expert at sleeping. Once I'm out, I can sleep through just about anything.

The only person I know who's better at sleeping than me is RODRICK, and here's the reason I say that. A couple of weeks ago, Mom had to order Rodrick a new bed because he'd worn his out. So the furniture guys came to take his old mattress and box spring away.

54

When they came, Rodrick was in the middle of his after-school nap. So they took his bed away, and he just slept on the floor, right in the middle of his empty bed frame.

[Image: A boy is sleeping.]

The thing I'm worried about is that Dad is going to ban our after-school naps. I'm starting to get the feeling he's sick of waking the two of us up for dinner every night.

[Image: Two boys and a man at the dinning table.]

Tuesday

Well, I hate to admit this, but I think my naps are starting to have an effect on my grades.

55

See, I used to do my homework when I got home from school, and then I watched TV at night. Lately I've been trying to do my homework WHILE I watch TV, and sometimes that doesn't work out too good.

[Image: A boy is sitting on the sofa watching t.v.] The caption reads: "TO MAKE SURE CARISSA STICKS AROUND FOR ANOTHER WEEK, DIAL "492" OR TEXT THE WORD "CARISSA" NOW!"

"BEEP BEEP BEEP"

I had this four-page Biology paper due today, but last night I kind of got caught up in this show I was watching. So I had to try to write the whole thing in the computer lab during recess today.

I didn't have a lot of time to do any research, so I played with the margins and the font size to stretch what I had to four pages. But I'm pretty sure Ms. Nolan is gonna call me on it.

56

[Image: First two pages of a book.] The caption reads: "CHIMPS

A four-page paper by

GREG HEFFLEY 1

This is a chimpanzee, or "chimp" for short.

Chimps are the subject of the paper you're holding in your hand right now. 2"

57

[Image: Last two pages of a book.] The caption reads: "Chimps are supposed to be smart, but I'm not so sure that's true."

GET OUT OF MY WAY, CHIMP!

BUT YOU ARE ONE.

DON'T CALL ME "CHIMP"!

OH, YEAH. 3"

"Well, it looks like I'm out of paper, so I guess this is

4

"

58

Yesterday I actually got a "zero" on a quiz in Geography. But in my defense, it was really hard to study for the quiz and watch football at the same time.

To be honest with you, I don't think teachers should be making us memorize all this stuff to begin with, because in the future everyone is going to have a personal robot that tells you whatever you need to know.

[Image: A boy is sitting and talking to a robot.] The caption reads: "ROBOT! WHAT'S THE LARGEST ESTUARY IN THE WORLD?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

"THE OB RIVER, IN RUSSIA."

59

Speaking of teachers, today Mrs. Craig was in a really bad mood. That's because the big dictionary that usually sits on her desk was missing.

I'm sure someone just borrowed it and forgot to put it back, but the word Mrs. Craig kept using was "stole."

[Image: A teacher is standing near her desk.]

Mrs. Craig said that if the dictionary wasn't returned to her desk before the end of the period, she was keeping everyone inside for recess.

Then she told us she was going to leave the room, and that if the "culprit" returned the dictionary to her desk, there wouldn't be any consequences, and there would be no questions asked.

60

Mrs. Craig made Patty Farrell class monitor and left the room. Patty takes her job as class monitor really seriously, and when she's in charge, nobody dares to step out of line.

[Image: Teacher teaching the class.]

I was just hoping the person who took the dictionary would hurry up and come clean, because I had two cartons of chocolate milk for lunch.

[Image: Children in a classroom.] The caption reads: "MAY I PLEASE USE THE LAVATORY?

NO."

61

But nobody did come forward. And sure enough, Mrs. Craig stuck to her promise and kept us inside for recess. Then she said she was gonna keep us inside every day until the dictionary was returned.

Friday

Mrs. Craig has kept us inside for the past three days, and still no dictionary. Today Patty Farrell was sick, so Mrs. Craig put Alex Aruda in charge of the room while she was gone.

Alex is a good student, but people aren't afraid of Alex the way they are of Patty Farrell. As soon as Mrs. Craig left the room, it was complete pandemonium.

[Image: Children fighting in the class room] The caption reads: "WHAP

ALEX ARUDA"

62

A couple of guys who were sick of getting stuck inside for recess every day decided to try and figure out who took Mrs. Craig's dictionary.

The first person they interrogated was this kid named Corey Lamb. I think Corey was number one on the list of suspects because he's smart and he's always using big words.