The Last Straw (5 page)

I just wish someone woke me up when sixth period ended, because I didn't wake up until the NEXT period started.

[Image: The teacher stares at the boy as the others laugh in the class.] The caption reads: "SNORK?"

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The class I woke up in was taught by Mrs. Lowry. Mrs. Lowry gave me detention, and on Monday I'm gonna have to stay after school to serve it.

Tonight I was totally jittery from my sugar withdrawal, but I didn't have any money to go buy a soda or candy from the convenience store. So I did something I'm not real proud of.

I went to Rowley's and dug up the time capsule we buried in his front yard. But I only did it because I was desperate.

[Image: A boy shoveling the snow in the night.]

I took the time capsule back to my house, opened it up, and got out my three bucks. Then I went down to the convenience store and bought myself a big soda, a pack of gummy bears, and a candy bar.

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I guess I feel a little bad that the time capsule me and Rowley put together didn't stay buried for a few hundred years. On the other hand, it's kind of neat that one of US got to open it, because we had actually put some really good stuff in there.

[Image: A boy sitting in front of a T.V.]

Monday

I didn't really know what to expect from detention, but when I walked into the room, the first thought I had was, "I don't belong in here with these future criminals."

I took the only empty seat, which was right in front of this kid named Leon Ricket.

[Image: three boys sitting on chairs and one empty chair for a boy.]

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Leon is not the brightest kid in our school. He was in detention because of what he did when a wasp landed on the window in homeroom.

[Image: The man swings the chair at the window as the other tries to stop him.]

I found out that all you do in detention is sit there and wait for it to be over. You're not allowed to read or do your homework or ANYTHING, which is a pretty dumb rule, considering that most of the kids in there could really use the extra study time.

Mr. Ray was the moderator, and he more or less kept an eye on us. But every time Mr. Ray looked away, Leon would flick my ear or give me a Wet Willie or something like that. Eventually Leon got careless, and Mr. Ray caught Leon with his finger in my ear.

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Mr. Ray said if he caught Leon touching me again, he was gonna be in BIG trouble.

[Image: Children in the class with their teacher.] The caption reads: "YES, MR. RAY."

I knew Leon was just gonna go back to bugging me, so I decided to put a stop to it. As soon as Mr. Ray's back was turned, I slapped my hands together to make it seem like Leon hit me.

[Image: A boy is playing a prank in the class.] The caption reads: "OUCH!

SMACK"

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Mr. Ray turned around and told Leon he was gonna have to stay another half hour, and that he had detention again TOMORROW.

On the way home, I was wondering if I made the smartest move back there at the school. I'm not exactly the fastest runner, and a half hour isn't that big of a head start.

[Image: A boy running with a bag on the road.]

Tuesday

Tonight I realized ALL of my current problems can be traced back to when someone in my family started stealing the lunch snacks. So I decided to catch the thief once and for all.

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I knew Mom had gone grocery shopping over the weekend, so there was a fresh supply of snacks in the laundry room. That meant the snack thief was pretty much guaranteed to strike.

After dinner I went in the laundry room and turned off the light. Then I climbed in an empty basket and waited.

[Image: A boy hiding in the basket.]

About a half hour later, someone came in the room and turned on the light, so I hid under a towel. But it turns out it was just Mom.

I stayed perfectly still while she got clothes out of the dryer. Mom didn't notice me in there, and she dumped the clothes from the dryer right into the bin where I was hiding.

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[Image: The lady is putting the clothes in the basket.] The caption reads: "DUMP"

Then she walked out of the room, and I waited some more. I was seriously ready to wait there all night if that's what it took.

But the clothes from the dryer were really warm, and I started feeling a little drowsy. And before I knew it, I was asleep.

[Image: The boy is sleeping in the basket filled with clothes.] The caption reads: "ZZZZZ"

I don't know how many hours I slept, but what I DO know is that I woke up to the sound of crinkling cellophane.

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When I heard the sound of chewing, I turned on my flashlight and caught the thief red-handed.

[Image: The man is scared as the boy jumps up from the basket.] The caption reads: "HA!

MMMFF!"

It was Dad! Man, I should have known it was him from the start. When it comes to junk food, he's a total ADDICT.

I started to give Dad a piece of my mind, but he cut me off. He wasn't interested in talking about why he was stealing our lunch snacks. What he WAS interested in talking about was what the heck I was doing buried in a pile of Mom's underwear in the middle of the night.

Right at that moment, we heard Mom coming down the stairs.

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I think me and Dad realized how bad the situation looked for both of us, so we each just grabbed as many oatmeal creams as we could carry and made a run for it.

Wednesday

I was still really steamed at Dad for stealing our lunch treats, and I was planning on confronting him tonight. But Dad was in bed by 6:00, so I didn't get my chance.

Dad went to bed so early because he was depressed about something that happened when he got home from work. When Dad was getting the mail, our neighbors from up the street, the Snellas, walked down the hill with their new baby.

[Image: The couple greets the boy checking his mail.] The caption reads: "HEY THERE, FRANK!"

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The baby's name is Seth, and I think he's about two months old.

Every time the Snellas have a baby, six months later they throw a big "half-birthday" party and invite all the neighbors.

The highlight of each Snella half-birthday party is when the adults line up and try to make the baby laugh. The grown-ups do all these wacky things and make COMPLETE fools of themselves.

[Image: A lady sits beside the baby's cot and the three men are sitting.] The caption reads: "GOO GOO GOO GOO GOO!"

I've been to every single Snella half-birthday party so far, and no baby has laughed once.

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Everyone knows the REAL reason the Snellas have these half-birthday parties is because their big dream is to win the $10,000 Grand Prize on "America's Funniest Families." That's this TV show where they play home movies of people getting hit in the groin with golf balls and stuff like that.

The Snellas are just hoping something really funny will happen at one of their parties so they can catch it on videotape. They've actually gotten some pretty good stuff over the years. During Sam Snella's half-birthday party, Mr. Bittner split his pants doing jumping jacks. And during Scott Snella's party, Mr. Odom was walking backward, and he fell in the baby pool.

[Image: A man falls into the baby's bathing tub as the lady looks.]

The caption reads: "

WWAAUUGH!

WHIRR"

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The Snellas turned in those videos, but they didn't win anything. So I guess they're just gonna keep having babies until they do.

Dad HATES performing in front of people, so he'll do everything he can to avoid having to act like a fool in front of the whole neighborhood. And so far, Dad has weaseled his way out of every single Snella half-birthday party.

At dinner, Mom told Dad he HAS to go to Seth Snella's half-birthday party in June. And I'm pretty sure Dad knows that this time, his number is finally up.

[Image: A man is touching the calendar.] The caption reads: "JUNE"

Thursday

Everybody at school has been talking about the big Valentine's Dance that's coming up next week.

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This is the first year at my school that they've actually had a dance, so everyone's all excited. Some of the guys in my class were even asking girls if they would be their dates to the dance.

Me and Rowley are both bachelors at the moment, but that's not gonna stop us from arriving in style.

[Image: The three girls look at the boys stepping out of the limo.]

I figured if me and Rowley scraped together some money in the next few days, we could rent a limo for the night. But when I called the limo company, the guy who answered the phone called me "Ma'am." So that pretty much blew any chance he had of getting MY business.

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Since the dance is next week, I realized I was gonna need something to wear.

I'm kind of in a pinch because I've already worn most of the clothes I got for Christmas, and I'm almost out of clean stuff to wear. I went through my dirty clothes to see if there was anything I could wear a SECOND time.

[Image: A boy throwing out the clothes from the bag.] The caption reads: "SHAKE SHAKE"

I separated my laundry into two piles: one that I could wear again, and one that would get me sent down to Nurse Powell's office for a lecture on hygiene.

[Image: A boy picks up a shirt from the pile.] The caption reads: "SNIFF"

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I found a shirt in pile number one that wasn't so bad, except it had a jelly stain on the left-hand side. So at the dance, I'll just need to remember to keep Holly Hills to the right of me at all times.

Valentine's Day

I was up late last night making Valentine's cards for everyone in my class. I'm pretty sure my middle school is the only one in the state that still makes all the kids give cards to one another.

Last year I was actually looking forward to the card swap. The night before Valentine's Day, I spent a lot of time making an awesome card for this girl named Natasha who I kind of liked.

[Image: A love letter.]

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I showed Mom my card to check for spelling errors, but she said what I wrote wasn't "age appropriate." She told me maybe I should just get Natasha a little box of candy or something, but I wasn't about to take romantic advice from my mother.

At school everyone went around the room and put their Valentine's cards in one another's boxes, but I delivered my card to Natasha personally.

[Image: A boy is giving a letter to the girl.]

I let her read it, and then I waited to see what she made for ME.

Natasha dug around in her box and pulled out this cheap store-bought card that was supposed to be for her friend Chantelle, who was out sick that day.

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Then Natasha scribbled out her friend's name and put MY name on it instead.

[Image: A letter with a cartoon on it.] The caption reads: "To: Greg From: natasha

I think you're FAR OUT"

Anyway, you can probably see why I wasn't too enthusiastic about the card exchange THIS year.

Last night I came up with a great idea. I knew I had to make a card for everyone in the class, but instead of being all mushy and saying things I didn't really mean, I told everyone EXACTLY what I thought of them.

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The trick was, I didn't actually SIGN any of my cards.

[Image: Boys in a class.] The caption reads: "Dear James, you smell."

A few of the kids complained about the cards to our teacher, Mrs. Riser, and then she went around the room trying to figure out who sent them. I knew Mrs. Riser would think that whoever DIDN'T get a card was the culprit, but I was prepared for that, because I made a card for MYSELF, too.