The Last Straw (7 page)

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The way that Rodrick keeps himself busy when he's bored is by picking at this scab on the back of his hand that he never lets heal, but I'm not really interested in going that route.

Manny has it MADE in church. Mom and Dad let him bring all sorts of stuff with us to keep him entertained. Believe me, Mom and Dad never let me bring anything to church when I was his age.

[Image: A couple and their son.]

Mom and Dad ALWAYS baby Manny, though, and I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. Last week Manny was at preschool, and when he opened up his lunchbox his sandwich was cut in HALF, not in QUARTERS, the way he likes it.

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Manny threw a huge temper tantrum, and the teachers had to call Mom. So she left work and drove all the way down to Manny's school to make the extra slice.

[Image: A lady giving a slice to the small boy at his school.] The caption reads: "THERE YOU GO, SWEETIE!

SNIFF"

Anyway, I was thinking about this at church, and all of a sudden I got an idea in my head. I leaned over to Manny and whispered-

[Image: A boy talking to the small one ] The caption reads: "PLOOPY!"

Well, Manny completely LOST it.

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He started BAWLING, and everyone in the church turned their heads our way. Even the minister stopped talking to see what was going on.

Mom couldn't calm Manny down, so we had to leave. Instead of walking out the side door, though, we walked right down the center aisle.

I tried to look as cool as possible when we walked past the Hills family, but it was pretty tough, considering the circumstances.

[Image: Two men staring at the family walking past.]

The only person more embarrassed than me was Dad. Dad tried to cover his face with the church bulletin, but his boss spotted him and gave Dad the "thumbs up" on the way out.

120

Wednesday

Things have kind of been tense around the house since the mess the other day. First of all, Mom was really mad at me for calling Manny "Ploopy," so I had to remind her that she didn't have any problem when MANNY said it. So Mom banned the word for everyone, and she said that if anyone was caught saying it, they'd be grounded for a week. But of course it didn't take long for Rodrick to find a loophole.

[Image: A boy talking to the other one who is reading.] The caption reads: "MONDAY

PL-"

[Image: A boy talking to the other one who is confused.] The caption reads: "TUESDAY

-OO-"

[Image: A boy talking to the other one sitting in front of the t.v..] The caption reads: "TODAY

-PY!"

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This isn't the FIRST time Mom has banned us from saying certain words in the house. A while back, Mom made a "no swearing" rule, because Manny was picking up new words left and right.

[Image: The lady looks as the man breaks the cup of tea.]

The caption reads: "

@#$%!

DROP

SMASH

@#$%!

"

Every time someone said a bad word in front of Manny, they had to put a dollar in his "Swear Jar." So Manny was getting rich off of me and Rodrick.

[Image: A Desk with books and a jar of sweets.]

And then Mom upped the ante by banning words like "stupid" and "jerk" and stuff like that.

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To keep from going bankrupt, me and Rodrick came up with a bunch of code words that meant the same thing as the banned words, and we've been using them ever since.

[Image: A boy talking to the other as the lady looks.] The caption reads: "SPOOKY STORK!"

Every once in a while, I forget to switch back when I get to school, and I end up looking dumb. Just today, David Nester spit out a piece of gum and it landed in my hair. I really let loose with everything I had, but I don't think I upset David too much.

[Image: The boy is talking to the man sitting on the Swing.] The caption reads: "RASPBERRY PLASTIC TICKLE BEAR!"

123

The other thing that's changed since Easter is that Dad has been on me and Rodrick's case. I guess he's tired of us looking bad in front of his boss, Mr. Warren.

Dad made Rodrick enroll in an SAT class, and he made ME sign up for Rec League soccer.

Soccer tryouts were tonight. The coaches lined up all the kids for a "skills test," where you had to dribble the ball between some cones and stuff like that.

I tried my best, but I got ranked "Pre-Alpha Minus," which I'm sure is just adult code words for "You Stink."

[Image: A man talks to a boy playing with a ball.] The caption reads: "I SAID GO AROUND THE CONES!

DOINK"

124

After the skills test, they put us on different teams. I was hoping I'd get one of those fun coaches who doesn't take sports too seriously, like Mr. Proctor or Mr. Gibb, but I got the worst one out of the whole bunch, Mr. Litch.

Mr. Litch is one of these drill sergeant types who likes to yell a lot. Mr. Litch used to be Rodrick's coach, and he's pretty much the reason Rodrick doesn't do sports any more.

[Image: A man pointing at something as he talks to the boy.]

The caption reads: "

YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!"

Anyway, our first real practice is tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll just get cut so I can get back to playing video games. Twisted Wizard 2 is supposed to come out soon, and I heard it's AWESOME.

125

Thursday

I got put on a team with a bunch of kids I didn't really know. The first thing Mr. Litch did was hand out uniforms, and then he told us to come up with a team name.

I suggested that we call our team the "Twisted Wizards," and get the Game Hut to sponsor us.

[Image: Four children talking.]

Nobody liked my idea, though. One kid said we should call the team the "Red Sox," which I thought was a terrible idea. Number one, the Red Sox are a BASEBALL team, and number two, our soccer uniforms are BLUE.

But of course everyone else LOVED the idea, and that's the name that won out. Then the assistant coach, Mr. Boone, said he was worried that if we called our team the Red Sox, we might get sued.

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I'm pretty sure those guys have better things to do than to go around suing middle school soccer teams, but like I said before, nobody wanted to listen to MY opinions.

So the team voted to change the name to "Red SOCKS," and that was final.

After that we started practice. Mr. Litch and Mr. Boone made us run laps and do leg-lifts and a bunch of other stuff that had nothing to do with soccer. In between wind sprints, I hung out by the water cooler with the other two Pre-Alpha Minus guys. And every time we were slow getting back to the field, Mr. Litch would yell-

[Image: A man calling the boys to him.] The caption reads: "GET YOUR BUTTS OVER HERE!"

127

Me and the other guys thought it would be pretty funny if the next time Mr. Litch said that, we all ran at him with our butts sticking out.

So the next time Mr. Litch yelled for us to get our butts over there, I ran with my rear end pointed at him. But the other guys TOTALLY hung me out to dry.

[Image: The man looks at the three boys one of them is near him.]

Mr. Litch did not appreciate my sense of humor, and he made me run three extra laps.

When Dad picked me up at the end of practice, I told him that maybe this soccer thing wasn't such a good idea, and that he should probably just let me quit.

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That made Dad pretty mad, so he said-

[Image: A man and his son in the car.] The caption reads: "NO SON OF MINE IS A QUITTER!"

Which isn't really true at all. I'm a HUGE quitter, and so is Rodrick. And I think Manny is on his third or fourth preschool by now.

Anyway, I got the feeling that if I'm gonna get out of soccer, I'm gonna have to think of another angle.

Friday

Ever since I started playing soccer, I've been going through my clothes twice as quick as I did before. I've been totally out of clean stuff to wear for a while now, so I've been pulling all of my clothes out of my dirty laundry piles. But I found out today that recycling clothes from the dirty laundry pile can be risky.

129

I was walking by some girls in the hallway today, and a pair of dirty underwear fell out of one of my pant legs. I just kept walking and hoped that the girls might think the underwear wasn't actually mine.

[Image: Two girls and a boy going to school.] The caption reads: "HEE HEE HEE!

PLOP"

But I paid the price for THAT decision later on in the day.

[Image: Two boys making fun of the third in the class.] The caption reads: "A PAIR OF BOYS' UNDERPANTS WITH THE NAME "GREG H." WRITTEN ON THE WAISTBAND WAS FOUND IN THE HALLWAY. WOULD THE OWNER PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT OFFICE TO RETRIEVE HIS ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

HAR HAR HAR!

HAR HAR!"

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I think I'd better hurry up and learn how to do my laundry, because I'm really running out of options. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to wear a T-shirt I got from my Uncle Gary's first wedding, and I'm really not looking forward to it.

[Image: A t- shirt with a picture of a kissing couple.] The caption reads: "Gary and Linda

Everlasting Love

"

I was kind of down in the dumps on the walk home from school today, but then something happened to change that. Rowley told me one of his friends from karate was having a sleepover this weekend, and he asked me if I wanted to come along.

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I was about to say "no way," but then Rowley said something that got my attention. The kid who's having the party lives on Pleasant Street, which is in the same neighborhood that Holly Hills lives in.

[Image: Two boys with their school bags.]

At lunch today I overheard a couple of girls saying that HOLLY is having a sleepover Saturday night, so this could really be the opportunity of a LIFETIME for me.

[Image: Girls having a pillow fight.]

132

Tonight at soccer practice, Mr. Litch told everyone the position they'd be playing in the first game on Sunday.

Mr. Litch told me I'd be the "Shag," and that sounded pretty cool to me. So when I got home, I bragged to Rodrick about it.

[Image: A boy talking to the other.] The caption reads: "I'M THE SHAG!"

I thought Rodrick would be impressed, but he just laughed. He told me that Shag wasn't actually a real position on the field-it's just a kid who chases the ball when it goes out of bounds. Then he showed me a rulebook with all the soccer positions, and sure enough, Shag wasn't in it.

[Image: A boy showing the picture to the other.]

133

Rodrick is always pulling my leg, so I guess I'll just have to wait until this weekend to see if he's telling the truth this time.

Sunday

Remind me to never go to a sleepover with Rowley again.

Yesterday afternoon Mom dropped me and Rowley off at his friend's house. The first hint that I was in for a long night was when we walked into the house and there wasn't a kid there who was older than six.

My SECOND hint was that everyone was wearing their karate gear.

[Image: Two big boys talking to the three small ones.]

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The whole reason I even WENT to this sleepover was so we could all sneak out and crash Holly's slumber party. But Rowley's friends were more interested in "Sesame Street" than they were in girls.