The Last Straw (6 page)

[Image: A teacher talking to the boy.] The caption reads: "Dear Greg, I hate your guts."

99

After the card exchange came the Valentine's Dance. The dance was originally supposed to be at NIGHT, but I guess they couldn't get enough parents to volunteer to be chaperones. So they put the dance smack in the middle of the school day instead.

The teachers started rounding everyone up and sending them down to the auditorium at around 1:00. Anyone who didn't want to cough up the two bucks for admission had to go down to Mr. Ray's room for study hall.

But it was pretty obvious to most of us that "study hall" was basically the same thing as detention.

[Image: A teacher sits at his desk in the class.]

100

The rest of us filed into the gym and sat in the bleachers. I don't know why, but all the boys sat on one side of the gym, and all the girls sat on the other. Once everyone was inside the gym, the teachers started the music. But whoever picked out the songs is SERIOUSLY out of touch with what kids are listening to these days.

[Image: Children sitting and listening to the radio.] The caption reads: "EXIT

YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND..."

For the first fifteen minutes or so, no one moved a muscle. Then Mr. Phillips, the guidance counselor, and Nurse Powell walked to the middle of the gym and started dancing.

101

I guess Mr. Phillips and Nurse Powell thought if THEY started dancing, all the kids would come down onto the floor and join them. All they REALLY did was GUARANTEE that everyone stayed in their seat.

[Image: Two people dancing.]

Finally, Mrs. Mancy, the principal, grabbed a microphone and made an announcement. She said that everyone in the bleachers was REQUIRED to come down onto the floor and dance, and it would count for 20% of our Phys Ed grades.

At that point me and a couple of other boys tried to sneak out to go down to Mr. Ray's room, but we got caught by some teachers who were blocking the exits.

102

Mrs. Mancy wasn't kidding about the gym grade thing, either. She was walking around with Mr. Underwood, the Phys Ed teacher, and he was carrying his gradebook with him.

[Image: Two boys dancing as the teachers look at them.] The caption reads: "SNAP"

SNAP"

I'm already close to flunking Phys Ed, so I knew it was time to get serious. But I didn't want to look like a fool in front of the kids in my class, either. So I just came up with the simplest move I could do that would technically qualify as "dancing."

[Image: A boy trying to dance to the steps.] The caption reads: "STEP PAUSE STEP PAUSE"

103

Unfortunately, a bunch of guys who were worried about THEIR Phys Ed grades saw what I was doing, and they came over to where I was. And the next thing I knew, I was surrounded by a bunch of bozos who were stealing my moves.

[Image: Four boys dancing.] The caption reads: "STEP STEP STEP STEP"

I wanted to get as far away from those guys as I could, so I looked around the gym for a place where I could go and dance in peace.

That's when I spotted Holly Hills across the room, and I remembered why I even bothered coming to the dance in the first place.

Holly was dancing with her friends in the middle of the gym, and I started doing my step-dance thing, moving slowly toward them.

104

All the girls were lumped together in one big pack, and they were dancing like professionals, probably because they spend all their free time watching MTV.

[Image: Girls are dancing.]

Holly was right in the middle of the group. I kind of danced around the outside of the circle for a while, trying to find an opening, but I couldn't.

Finally, Holly stopped dancing and went to get a drink, and I knew it was my big chance.

[Image: A boy looks at the girl who is cooking.] The caption reads: "STEP"

105

But just when I was about to go up to Holly and say something witty, Fregley came flying in out of NOWHERE.

[Image: A boy is scaring the other boy as the girl looks at him.] The caption reads: "BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!"

Fregley had pink frosting covering his face, so he was probably all hopped-up on sugar from the cupcakes they were serving at the refreshments table. All I know for sure is that he TOTALLY ruined what should have been a great moment between me and Holly.

A few minutes later, the dance was over, and I missed my chance to make a good impression on her. I walked home alone after school, because I just needed a little time by myself.

106

After dinner Mom told me there was a Valentine's card out in the mailbox with my name on it. When I asked her who it was from, she just said, "someone special." I ran out to the mailbox and got the card, and I have to admit I was pretty excited. I was hoping it was from Holly, but there are at least four or five other girls at my school who I wouldn't mind getting a card from, either.

The card was in a big pink envelope with my name written in cursive. I ripped it open, and here's what I found: a sheet of construction paper with a piece of candy taped to it, and it was from ROWLEY.

[Image: A boy posting a new love letter in the box.] The caption reads: "FRESH"

Sometimes I just don't know about that boy.

107

MARCH

Saturday

The other day Dad found Manny's blanket, Tingy, on the couch. I don't think Dad knew what it was, so he threw it away.

[Image: A man throwing dirt in the bin.]

Ever since then Manny's been turning the house upside down looking for his blanket, and finally Dad had to tell him that he accidentally threw it out. Well, Manny got his revenge yesterday by using Dad's Civil War battlefield as a playset.

[Image: The man looks at the table with toys.]

108

Manny's been taking his anger out on everyone else, too. Today I was sitting on the couch just minding my own business, and Manny walked up to me and said-

[Image: The little boy talks to the elder one sitting on the sofa.] The caption reads: "PLOOPY!"

I didn't know if "Ploopy" was some kind of little-kid bad word or what, but I didn't like the sound of it. So I went to find Mom and ask her if SHE knew what it meant.

Unfortunately, Mom was on the phone, and when she's gabbing with one of her friends, it takes forever to get her attention.

[Image: The boy tries to talk to his mom who is on the phone.] The caption reads: "MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

TUG TUG"

109

I finally got Mom to stop talking for a second, but she was mad that I interrupted her. I told her Manny called me "Ploopy," and she said-

[Image: The woman screams at the boy scaring him.] The caption reads: "WHAT IS A PLOOPY?"

That kind of threw me for a second, because it's the exact question I was trying to ask HER. I didn't have an answer, so Mom just went back to her conversation.

After that, Manny knew he had a green light to call me Ploopy whenever he wanted, and that's what he's been doing all day.

[Image: A boy peeps from the door to look at the big boy.] The caption reads: "WIPE MY HEINIE, PLOOPY!"

110

I guess I should've known that telling on Manny wasn't gonna get me anywhere. When me and Rodrick were little, we used to tell on each other so much that it made Mom crazy. So she brought out this thing called the Tattle Turtle to solve the problem.

[Image: A tortoise.]

Mom came up with the Tattle Turtle idea when she taught preschool. The idea behind the Tattle Turtle was that if me and Rodrick had a problem with each other, we had to tell the Tattle Turtle instead of Mom. Well, the Tattle Turtle worked out GREAT for Rodrick, but not so much for me.

[Image: The boy talks to the tortoise on the table as the other boy looks.] The caption reads: "TATTLE TURTLE, RODRICK STOLE ALL THE MONEY FROM MY PIGGY BANK!"

111

Easter

On the car ride to church today, I felt like I was sitting on something sticky. And when I got out and turned around to look at the back of my pants, there was chocolate ALL OVER them.

[Image: A boy is standing near the car with his parents.]

Manny had brought his Easter bunny with him in the car, and I must've been sitting on an ear or something.

Mom was trying to get the family inside so we could get good seats, but I told her there was no WAY I was going in there looking like that.

I knew Holly Hills and her family were probably already there, and I really didn't need her wondering if I'd pooped in my pants.

112

Mom said skipping church on Easter wasn't an option, and we argued back and forth. Then Rodrick chimed in with HIS solution.

[Image: A boy shows his pants to the family.] The caption reads: "HE CAN WEAR MY PANTS!"

Rodrick knows that church on Easter is always at least two hours long, so he was just looking for an excuse to get out of it. But right at that moment, Dad's boss and his family pulled up alongside us in the parking lot.

[Image: The men on the road look at the car as it goes by.] The caption reads: "HAPPY EASTER, HEFFLEYS! HONK"

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Mom made Rodrick put his pants back on, and then she gave me her sweater to tie around my waist.

I don't know which was worse: wearing dress pants with chocolate all over them or wearing Mom's pink Easter sweater like a kilt.

[Image: The family walks into the house.]

Church was pretty full. The only seats that were empty were right up front where Uncle Joe and his family were sitting, so we sat next to them.

I looked around, and I spotted Holly Hills and her family three rows back. I was pretty sure she couldn't see what I was wearing from the waist down, so that was a relief.

114

As soon as the music started up, Uncle Joe reached out to hold hands with me and his wife, and he started singing.

[Image: People standing in rows and singing.]

I tried to break free a couple of times, but Uncle Joe had an iron grip. The song was only like a minute long, but to me it felt like half an hour.

After the song was over, I turned to the people behind us, pointed at Uncle Joe, and made the "cuckoo" sign so everone knew I wasn't on board with this holding-hands thing.

[Image: A boy is twisting his ear.] The caption reads: "TWIRL"

115

Somewhere in the middle of church, they passed a basket around so people could give money to help the needy.

I didn't have any money of my own, so I whispered to Mom to see if she would give me a dollar. Then, when the basket came to me, I made a big deal of putting the dollar in the basket to make sure Holly could see how generous I was.

[Image: The boy is putting the money in the basket for donations in the church.]

But when I put the money in the basket, I realized Mom had given me a TWENTY, not a single. I tried to grab the basket to make change, but it was too late.

All I can say is, I better get some points in Heaven for THAT donation.

116

I've heard that when you do good deeds, you're supposed to be all private about it, but that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to ME.

If I start hiding my good deeds, I'm sure I'll just regret it later on.

[Image: A little boy talking to the man on the seat.] The caption reads: "BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT SQUIRREL I HELPED WITH THE BROKEN LEG?

SORRY... I MUST'VE MISSED THAT."

Like I said before, the Easter service is SUPER long. One of the songs was going on for about five minutes, and I started looking for ways to entertain myself.