The Light in the Wound (18 page)

The next day, Jesse had to leave to attend an early morning meeting at school. We had a quick breakfast together, and he promised to pick me up after another thesis meeting that night.

“I need to fatten you up a bit, babe. It looks like you’ve lost a ton of weight,” he said, as he held me close before walking out the door.

Just as his car drove out, Alex’s car pulled into the driveway.

“Was that Jesse I just saw leaving here?” He looked baffled, shaking his head in confusion.

“I took him back, Alex,” I said.

He turned right around, got in his car and drove away. As I stood in the driveway trying to make sense of what had just happened, my phone rang.

“Hi.”

“Isa, just tell me. What made you do that?”

“Do what? I belong with him, A. I love him.”

“It’s too soon. You were just getting better.” His tone was clipped, almost scolding.

“That’s not true. I’m better now that he’s back.”

I was taken aback by the absurdity of it all. I was defending my decision to Alex?

“Whatever.”

“Why are you so upset?”

Silence.

The next few weeks seemed to fly by with Jesse in my life once again. Not that anything had drastically changed. I was so busy working on my thesis that it took the pressure off of us trying to make sense of his crazy schedule. I heard from Alex a week later, apologizing for having been too busy to call or text or write. Betty was more blatant about his absence than he was. But that’s why I loved her so much.

“You know he’s pissed, don’t you? He really can’t stand what Jesse did to you, and he thinks it’s going to happen again,” she said as we locked arms while strolling through the mall one night after class.

“He should be more supportive than that. He saw how what happened killed me, why isn’t he glad that I’m happy again?”

“Because he lived it. He saw firsthand how it killed you.”

“So did you, and look, you’re still here.” I pulled her closer to me and leaned my head on her shoulder.

“Isa, I love you dearly, but I’m not
in
love with you.” She looked me straight in the eye.

“Stop, Betty. That’s ridiculous. I really just want him to know how much I value his friendship. Oh, wait, here’s the Sobe Clutch I was telling you about. Bleu Nuit or Amarante?”

Saved by the Louis Vuitton store.

“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you can control it.”

—John Steinbeck

Evie and Seth were married on a glorious December afternoon, complete with a horse-drawn carriage, four bridesmaids and four groomsmen. The beautiful, historical Spanish church was nestled inside a park lined with trees and surrounded by a botanical garden. I took my role as maid of honor very seriously and helped significantly with the planning of the wedding.

“My God, Isabel, you are stunning — more beautiful than the bride!” Jesse panted in my ear as he rushed up the church’s steps to greet me.

“Shhh. Jess, Evie’s already stressed out right now!”

“What’s wrong?”

“My mother is here!”

Claudia Holtzer made a surprise appearance that day that no one will ever forget. She flew in from Canada the day before without Gracie, who couldn’t miss school. Claudia insisted that her husband was going to give Evie away at the wedding. Evie remained steadfast with her decision to have my father (we do have one, after all) walk her down the aisle. My mother seemed to relent, although I always had the funny feeling that it was merely a temporary truce. As we were lining up outside the church to get ready for the procession, my mother walked up to Evie and asked her once again to allow my new stepfather to give her away. My father watched all this until he finally stepped into the ring to handle his ex-wife. She screamed and clawed at him and then finally ... she fainted. Evie was beside herself with embarrassment and was visibly upset and in tears. Finally, everyone was ushered back into the church, the procession line was organized and the wedding was off to a start. Jesse and I were riding in the back of the ambulance with my mother.

It was the same routine when we arrived at the hospital — migraine, unbearable pain, and the need for medication. I knew the drill. In my mind, I could recite the sequence of events that would follow. Jesse and I sat outside of my mother’s private room, while doctors tended to her and tried to contact her psychiatrist.

“I’m so sorry, Jesse, you’re stuck here with me.” My eyes were filled with sadness because despite our efforts to forge ahead with our own lives, I felt so tied down to this.

“I’m holding the hand of a beautiful bridesmaid, I am not in a meeting, I am not in class. I am where I always want to be.”

“Jess, she ruined Evie’s special day.”

“We might just have to get married abroad,” he said, as he laughed and pulled me closer to him.

Three hours later, with my mother asleep in her hospital bed, Jesse and I made it back to the reception. We arrived just in time to join in the celebration. The reception had gone on for hours and the Spanish restaurant where it was held was reserved for the entire night. Evie was happily leading a line dance, while Seth was kicking back with his friends. Alicia looked beautiful, but troubled. I chalked it up to exhaustion with the two kids so close in age running her ragged every day. Jesse and I were contentedly doing a slow dance despite the fast beat, and it was a great way to end a very stressful evening. My mother was still in confinement, but I figured that I had until the morning to worry about it. We stayed for an hour or so and then took off to get some rest, knowing that the Claudia Holtzer saga was far from over.

My mother remained for one more day and boarded a plane that night to return back to Canada with her husband to avoid another stint in rehab. Before she left, I was able to spend a few hours with her. We talked, we laughed; I told her that I loved her. I promised to visit her again soon and cried when I watched her walk away from the car at the airport.

There is something to be said about a child’s loyalty to her mother, no matter what the circumstance may be. There is unconditional love that forgives no matter how much hurt is thrown your way. There is a relentless hope that a person can change and a compelling belief that things can only get better. There is acceptance.

I learned how to love someone with all my heart, while aspiring to become the complete opposite of who she was. I loved her, but I swore to never be like her.

“Action expresses priorities.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

Before I knew it, Jesse and I were lining up to take our graduation pictures. It was an emotional time for everyone, with one more month left at school and all of the anticipation built around what our futures looked like after we walked through those gates for the very last time. I had less of an affinity to the school than Jesse did, since I spent most of my days there waiting for him. To Jesse, it was like leaving his one and only home — a home where he was revered and cherished, where he was lauded with accomplishments every single day for four years. He was in different closing ceremonies and parties and celebrations almost every day of the month leading up to graduation. I tried to attend as much of them with him as I could, and I always made sure that I showed my support during the last few months of his tenure. That year, the Varsity Baseball team also won the State Championships, another notch to add to Jesse’s belt as the team’s star pitcher. Career wise, we were well on our way to working right after graduation. He was to start at that global consulting firm two weeks after school, while I had managed to land a job working for a Senator as an aide to the Senate Committee on Economics. My grandfather’s doing, I couldn’t deny it. But I knew that once I got in, I would be able to prove my own merit and make them forget that I might have gotten the offer through my family’s connections.

Evie and Seth decided to move to the U.S., courtesy of the fact that Seth was born in Washington, D.C. I cried for days after she left, knowing that I wasn’t going to be seeing her for a while. Betty and I still saw each other whenever we got the chance. Alex left for Europe to find himself a year ago, and he either got lost or lost my phone number because I never heard from him while he was gone. Betty said it was because he told her that he had to get over me. I accused her of being overly dramatic and asked her to tell him that I missed him. I did miss him. He was a good friend to me and he somehow helped ease my loneliness and knew how to cheer me up. Betty was engaged to Leigh, so she was another one I suspected was going to say goodbye to me soon. Everyone had their own lives to plan, their own courses to chart. Mine was slowly coming together, but it still had Jesse in it every step of the way. I would have quit the job I hadn’t even started and thrown it all away if he were to ask me to marry him right at that moment. But he had his life plan and nothing was going to make him divert from it. Nothing at all.