The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (160 page)

You need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.

A new young Catholic priest has just started working at the local church when his head priest, Father Edward, tells him he is going on a seminary for a week. Father Edward asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.

The new priest has been doing the job for only a few minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who mows our lawn.”

The priest looks to his handbook and finds the appropriate section on sexual desire and gardening. “You must do five Hail Marys, and put something in the collection box,” he tells her.

Minutes later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the man who came to fx the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on sexual relations with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten Hail Marys and an afternoon polishing the church brass.

Minutes later, yet another woman enters the confessional box and admits that she has given the local policeman a blow job. However, the priest cannot find any mention regarding felatio and wonders what to do.

He sticks his head out of the box and says, “I don’t suppose anyone knows what Father Edward’s going rate is for a blow job?”

A passing choirboy replies: “A Creme Egg and a Kit-Kat.”

An elderly priest called Father O’Donnell was walking through his parish one sunny day when he came upon a little frog sitting by a pond. “Dear me,” said Father O’Donnell, picking it up, “you’re the saddest frog I ever did see. I only wish you could talk to me so that you might tell me your troubles.”

The frog replied, “I can tell you. I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I refused to accept a sprig of heather from a malicious passing gypsy and she put a terrible curse on me, turning me into a talking frog.”

Father O’Donnell couldn’t believe his ears. “This is amazing,” he said. “Is there anything I might do to help you?”

“Now you mention it, there is,” replied the little frog. “The gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and care for me, the curse will be lifted and I’ll be back to normal.”

“Well now, let’s see about that, little fellow,” replied Father O’Donnell. So he picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and took it home. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

“And that, Your Worship, is the case for the defence.”

What was Princess Di’s favourite cocktail?

A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.

Why did Princess Diana have a Mercedes?

She wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda.

Why did Elton John sing at Princess Diana’s funeral?

Because he was the only queen that gave a fuck.

What’s the difference between Princess Diana and a beautiful bed of fowers?

Approximately six feet.

What do Princess Diana and Ferrero Rocher have in common?

They both come out of France in a fancy box.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.

What’s the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?

BMW doesn’t get any royalties.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common?