The Mason List (40 page)

I sipped
on the cup, feeling the vapors warm my nose.  In a few hours, I would be
subjected to a formal Thanksgiving at the big house as Jess and I stared across
the table at each other; a stare of hurt and betrayal.  I may have finally
driven him mad.

“He’s
been having a hard time, you know.”  My dad took a drink, letting the black
liquid settle.  “The ranch stuff hasn’t been easy on him.  The poor boy always
looks exhausted, like he could fall asleep standing up.  He stops by here on
his way home.  He tries to make it seem random.  Makes up excuses, but I know
he comes here instead of home because it’s the closest thing to you.  It makes
him feel like he still has someone to lean on.”

“Does he
talk to you about it?”

“Not
really.  Caroline gives him some supper and he mostly just sits on the steps
out here, staring out into the darkness.  You’ve always been there for him and
now he just seems a little lost.”

“You’ve
got that switched around.  He’s always insisted on taking care of me.”

“Nah. 
You two always took care of each other.”  He tipped back the cup, finishing the
last drops.  The swinging was making me dizzy.  The coffee swished around in my
stomach, burning up through my chest.

“Well,
that about does it.  I’ll let you get back to thinking.  Better not take too
long.  You don’t want to cross hairs with Eva Lynn if you hold up Thanksgiving
by being late.”

“Yes,
sir.”

My dad
disappeared back inside to the old farmhouse; the place he now owned thanks to
Jess.  I remembered the day we moved in; sometimes it seemed like yesterday and
sometimes it felt like a million years ago.  I looked out in the distance,
wondering if he found them all; the red faces running down the dirt road.  I
guess I would find out at lunch while he glared across the table, hating me.

Easing up
from the swing, I went inside for a warm shower.  It had been a very long
morning and an even longer night; the smell of his body still lingered on my
skin.

After
getting ready, I spent the rest of the morning helping Caroline make pies, just
like old times at Jeeter’s.  She made a peach one, just for Jess, and a pan of
mac and cheese.  My father had it all wrong; Jess stopped by in the evenings
for Caroline’s food, not me.  It was like living at Jeeter’s. 

We
arrived at Mason Manor with only a minute to spare.  Dr. Mason hugged my tall
frame.  Mrs. Mason leaned in for a quick kiss on the cheek, leaving a clear
print of gloss. 

“It’s
good to have you back, Alexandra.  I can’t wait for you to entertain us with
your stories of Paris.” Mrs. Mason turned my wrist over, seeing the stars.  I
cringed for the inevitable reaction.  A lady would never adorn herself with
such items.  She studied it for a moment then looked me straight in the eye
with an odd smile. “Well, that’s an interesting shade of blue, dear.”

“Yes,
ma’am.” I almost chocked on my own spit.  She released my hand, and I followed
her into the formal dining room that seated sixteen.

“I’m sure
Jessup was excited to see you last night.  I’m sorry he had to run off so
early.  The ranch eats into every minute of his time.  I try to get him to slow
down, but you know how he is, dear.”

 
Shit! 
 The embarrassment blasted my cheeks, leaving me feeling naked.  The whole
damn town probably knew his truck was parked at my house last night.  It didn’t
matter how early he left, or how late he got there; somehow the gossips just
knew
in Arlis.

Dr. and
Mrs. Mason took a seat at each end of the grand table.  The distant cousins
from Luckenbach had made the trip this year.  Mr. Buckley, my father’s boss,
whose wife had recently passed away, sat next to Caroline.  I pulled up my
usual chair beside her and looked across the table, seeing his empty seat with
a fancy place setting of china, rimmed in gold.  Two more with folded linen
napkins held places for Skeeter and the boy formally known as Buzz.  

Mrs.
Mason presided over the dinner, leaving no question of her role as the
matriarch of the house.  After my time away, her voice felt like a strong glass
of sweet ice tea.  The meal carried out much like those in past hosted at the
Manor, with one exception.  Jess never came to dinner.  At twelve-thirty five,
the main telephone jingled with an incoming call.  Her lips pursed into a
disapproving frown as she talked with her son. 

Every
click of the grandfather clock counted off the minutes of his absence.  I
fielded questions about Paris.  Mrs. Mason’s cousin Betty had gone back in
1972.  She grinned while her eyes begged to share her stories.  I handed the
conversation over to her eager face, considering the entire platter of turkey
and dressing I needed to choke down my tight throat.  I ate a bite for me.  I
ate a bite for Sadie, the manipulative bitch.  My layover in Chicago had one
hell of an argument on the agenda for conspiring against me with Jess.

I looked
at the empty plate across from me.  I heard those words again. 
I love you. 
I fiddled with my mac and cheese. 
I love you. 
I wanted to pretend
he never said it since that proved to be the only reasonable solution at this
point.  I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear the pain in his voice as he got
in the truck. 
You’re choosing not to love me back. 
I dreaded the
moment he would come in the room.  I dreaded those blue eyes.  I dreaded the
half smile he would flash at the others.  I dreaded that angry and broken
glare.  I dreaded the pain he tucked away to keep the peace. 
You’re just
gonna leave.

All I
ever wanted to do was the right thing by him.  Instead, I hurt Jess over and
over again, like I had a voodoo doll with his head taped in the center.  I
jabbed and poked until there was nothing but stuffing left.  My heart just
couldn’t stand it anymore.  How could I look Jess in the face and pretend after
finally hearing the truth?  The answer centered in the middle of my chest as I
continued to stare at his empty plate. 

The
elaborate meal ended, and we returned to the farmhouse.   I immediately went to
my room and got out my suitcase.  I shoved everything I could find inside and
zipped it tight.  With shaking hands, I picked up the phone and called the
airline.  My father watched from the doorway as I spoke to the reservation
desk.  This was the right decision.  I knew it in my heart.  I clicked end and
shoved the phone in my pocket.

“You sure
about this, Pumpkin?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. 
I’ll help you get loaded up then.”

Chapter 43

Today,
5:45 a.m.

Sadie and
I walk through the hospital doors.  We follow the path through the winding
hallway to the waiting room designated just for the ICU patients.  She stops
abruptly, seeing the folds of the area bursting at the seams. 

“Who are
these people?”

“Arlis.” 
I answer calmly.

We were
always notorious, but we were
their
notorious, which made this scene
feel comforting.  I scan from one familiar face to the next, seeing the
Landrys, the Crawfords, and Ms. Virginia Abbot with her son visiting from
Houston.  I make eye contact with Mrs. Ida Fleming as she rests in the corner
with her grandson, holding a teddy bear blanket.  Next to a tray of sandwiches,
Sara Beth Nelson visits with the Pritchetts and Ernie from The Bar.  My
father’s boss, Mr. Buckley, stands alone by the water fountain, dabbing red
swollen eyes.  I see Gunther from the feed store, talking to Bobby while
Skeeter holds the hand of a tiny, blonde woman.  The room is flowing with
people, who left their families and businesses in a caravan to Dallas to be
with one of their own.

A hand
pats me on the shoulder and I turn to see Caroline.  Another wraps an arm
around my waist.  They pull me in and crush my body in a landslide of
embraces.  The bodies pass me around from one person to the next as words float
around my head and against my neck. 

“Alexandra.” 
I turn to the familiar voice of Mrs. Mason.  The polished woman reeks of a
disheveled mess.  She pulls me tight against her tiny body.  “You’re feeling
better, dear?”

“Yes,
ma’am.”

She leans
back with a tormented smile.  “Good.”  She holds on for a moment, clenching my
hands.  Her eyes float in a sea of wetness before she releases me back into the
masses.  Shrinking away, I press my back against the wall and observe the
room.  Sadie stands to my right in fascination of those around us.

“You need
to go,” she whispers, her hazel eyes peering into mine.

“I know.”

“Want me
to go with you, sweetie?”

“No.”  I
swallow hard.  I need to do this alone.  Walking down the hall to the
restricted area, my gray shoes squeak, announcing my arrival on the path to the
inevitable.  An older woman with straight blonde hair glances up from her
screen.  Her rosy cheeks support a set of round-lens glasses.  I run my hand
over my stomach, trying to steady the anxiety.

“I’m here
to see Jessup Mason.”

“I’m
sorry ma’am.  Just like I’ve told the others.  It’s family only.”

“I know.”
I freeze for a moment, biting my lip.  I twirl the band around my finger.  It
feels loose, like it might slip off with a shrill ping on the hard floor.  “I’m
Alex Mason.  I…I’m his wife.”

Her eyes
jump up in a brief flash of pity.  “I’m sorry.  Let me take you back, ma’am.  I’ll
need to have you wash up first though.”

“Ok.” 

The woman
with the tag that reads, Sharlene, puts an arm around my waist.  The motherly
figure tucks me close to her side as we walk through the doors.

Chapter 44

When
I was twenty-five…

The roar
of the engine vibrated through the ground and rattled the inside of my chest. 
This was it.  No turning back now as the future loomed ahead in the clear blue
sky.  The weight on my shoulders appeared to be almost gone.  The inside of my
body could breathe, like I’d been held underwater for so long I, forgot how to
take in a breath of oxygen.  I would finally be free.

The
engine killed, leaving only the sound of the wind through the trees.  The boots
crunched the winter grass, getting closer to where I sat on the blanket.  He
stopped next to my leg.  Those tired blue eyes looked down at me.  The heat of
the bonfire reflected on my cheeks; the one my father helped build when he
dropped me off by the old stump, almost two hours ago. 

“I got
your note.”

“Have a
seat.”  I patted the blanket next to me.  “You missed Thanksgiving.”

He
settled down, wincing a little from the sore muscles.  His body was covered in
dirt, and his right thigh was stained in blood. “How mad was she?”

“You know
that line that pops up sometimes right between her perfect eyebrows?”

“That
mad, huh.”

“Yeah. 
Everything turn out ok?”

“It was a
mess.  We finally got 'em all.  I lost eleven.  Had to shoot nine of ‘em.  It
was awful.  Some got trampled down with broken necks and then two caused an
accident over by Dobbers’.”

“Everyone
ok?”

“Yeah, I
guess.  They didn’t go to the hospital.  It busted up their Explorer pretty
good though.  It was a man and woman with a little girl, just travelin’
through.  I didn’t know ‘em.  It sure wasn’t the way any us wanted to spend
today, but it’s over now.”

“I'm
sorry.” 

Jess
looked sad and just plain tired.  My hands ached to pull his dark hair against
my cheek but I stayed with my fingers linked over my drawn-up knees.

“I
thought you’d be gone on the first plane out of here after this mornin’”  His
voice was gruff as he finally asked the question that stabbed away at his
heart.

“I
thought about it.”

“What
stopped you?”  He let out a deep breath, watching the bonfire.

“Here.” I
slid the picnic basket over to him.  He glanced at me, like I was crazy. 
“There’s mac and cheese in there.”

“What’re
you doin’ out here?”

“You
should take this.”  I pulled the folded-up piece of paper from my pocket and
handed it to him.  His eyebrows wrinkled.  “Throw it away or burn it.  I don’t
really give a shit.  Just get rid of it.”

“Alex,
what’s goin’ on?” He shoved the paper inside his coat and continued to watch me
like I’d suddenly grown two heads.

“I
thought we should talk.” My breath floated out in the cool air, much like the
release I felt on the inside as I handed over the Mason List to Jess.  The
scribbled torment was finally gone.  “It’s much better out here than yelling at
each other in my bedroom.  It’s calm, like it’s the only place in the world
that ever made sense.”

“You
think life makes sense in the place I almost got you burned to death?”

I ignored
his jab because we both knew what this spot really meant at Sprayberry.  I
looked at our names carved in the old stump, and the small markers for BB and
Carrot buried next to it.

While I
was away, I had searched for another place that gave me this feeling.  I
searched all over Paris and every other city for almost two years; beautiful
places with unique and ancient history, but none of them ever matched up to
this spot.  I finally knew in my heart, the simplest places in the world
sometimes have the most complex meaning.

“After
you left, I kept hearing you say those words.”  I looked at his sweet face,
feeling the warmth spread in my cold body.  “You never said it to me before, or
I guess I never
let
you say it to me.”

“Which
part?”

“That you
loved me.”

“Al…you’ve
always known that I loved you.”

“Maybe, I
guess.  But it’s strange you know.  How easy it is to ignore someone’s feelings
until they are spoken out loud.  How easy it is to pretend they are not real. 
I got caught up in everything running through my head like some shitty story on
repeat that I couldn’t hear what you tried to tell me for so long.  You finally
made me hear you.  Believe me.  Very loud and clear.  For once, I want to do
the right thing, Jess.”

“And
what’s that?”

“I think
I’ve always known.  But after hearing you? I did a lot of thinking today. 
You’re right.  I’m tired Jess.  All of this has to stop.  I don’t hate you.  I
don’t even hate the Masons.  Not really.  I hated what happened to me.  They
were just an excuse that made sense when nothing else did.  I hated what caused
me to be here and that stupid list just kept it alive inside of me.  It was a
way for me to never forget, a way for me to rehash it over and over again every
time I looked at it.  I pretended that I made it in some plan to use for the
greater good.  Like I could repay everything to your family and it would
somehow change what happened, and I’d feel better.”

“You were
tryin’ to repay it?”

“Maybe. 
I don’t know.  But I do know that life doesn’t work that way.  You made me see
that this morning.  I realized that holding on to this is hurting me, and it’s
hurting you.  That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.  That’s not how this
gets better.  You said choose to accept it or walk away.  You said accept who
you
really
are to me.  It’s not a choice.”  I reached over, touching his
arm.  My fingers trailed down his Carhartt jacket to his bare fingers.  I felt
his heart beating in his veins.  The road to getting over the past would not be
easy, but it was one worth traveling for this boy.  I stayed calm in my seat. 
I looked straight into those blue eyes without an ounce of fear.

“Jess,
you said just about everything possible this morning but you never asked me. 
Ask me what you really wanted to ask me.”

“Because
I can’t.  That’s not the right thing.  I can’t ask you to stay.  It was wrong
of me to even put choices out there.  Maybe it will happen one day for us but I
get it.  You’re livin’ your life there and this one is mine.”

“That’s
the thing Jess.  Last night, you asked me to tell you about Paris.  It’s all
those things I said but they are empty moments.  I’m alone even in a crowded
room of people.  I’m alone every time I laugh because you’re not there with
me.  It’s an empty dream when the other half of me is somewhere else.  I am
only truly happy when I am with you.  I just always thought you deserved
someone better than me.”

“Al,
don’t say that.  You’ve…”

“No.” I
placed my finger across his lips.  I wanted to pull him against me; make him
feel what I was trying to say, but he needed to
hear
me say it.  “I have
hurt you.  I have hurt you in so many ways and you
never
deserved it.  I
haven’t been the person I should have been for you.  So I will just have to do
everything I can from now on to be that better person.  The one you deserve to
come home to every night because I want to be that person more than anything
else in the world.  Because I love you.” 

The words
left my lips at the same time the last brick crumbled that sat upon my
shoulders, holding me down in the dust.  I floated in the air; light and free
with the cool breeze, tossing me around like a crimson bird circling high above
us.  I was finally home.  I was finally happy. 

“You
really said it,” he whispered.  For Jess, I think he had waited so long to hear
those words the reality seemed imaginary.

“I should
have said it a long time ago.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to
me.  I love you, Jessup Mason.    I…love…you.”  Leaning forward, I kissed his
stunned lips.  He pulled back and studied my face.

“You
really want this?  All of it?  Because I can’t leave.  Sprayberry and I are a
packaged deal.”

“I want
you.  And if that means Sprayberry, then I’m all in.”

“What’re
you gonna do here?”

“I don’t
know.  Guess I’ll have to figure it out.”

“You’re
serious?”

“As
serious as my bags are sitting in Frank’s bedroom.”  I leaned forward and
touched my lips to his.  Pulling back, his eyes looked confused.  I assumed
Jess never made it past my note on the front door.  

“What
‘bout your apartment?”

“Guess
I’ll have to figure that out too.”

I kissed
him again, just because I could, just because that nagging voice inside my
brain was dead, and I could do whatever my heart wanted.  I relaxed, falling
backwards on the red quilt.  His body came with me, never letting go as he
stretched out on top of my cold limbs.  I kissed his face and eyes.  Jess
tasted a little like salt from working today.  I didn’t care because it tasted
of him.

This was
my future.  This was my home.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was
truly living.  Jess and I would have a life together; just the way he always
imagined and just the way I had dreamed every night when I closed my eyes.

“You’re
really stayin’ here with me?”  

“Yes, and
I was thinking.  We should put the porch right here.”

“Porch?”

“I’m not
staying in Frank’s forever.  I saw his bedroom.  It’s not that funny.”

He sat
up, staring out across the meadow.  His dark lashes blinked as he studied the
horizon.  We
could
put a house right here.  Why’d I not think of that?”

“That’s
why you need me here, for all the important decisions.”

He smiled
and leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose.  “I love you.”

“I love
you too, Jess”

He
settled down beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders to tuck me next to
his body.  My head rested against his chest.  The stars would pop out soon,
giving meaning to the darkness over our new home.  I felt the calm, sweet peace
of sharing this once again with him. 

“Does
this mean you’ll marry me?”

“Are you
asking?”

Jess
rolled on his side, looking down at me with those blue eyes.  He touched my
cheek, running his fingers through my hair.  “Will you marry me, Alex?”

“I don’t
know.  We’ve only been dating for about five minutes.”

He
grabbed my body, half tickling and half kissing me.  “Yes, ok.  Yes!” I
laughed.  “I will marry you.”