The Mason List (35 page)

“You know
you can’t just kiss me, Jess.”

“No, I
probably can’t.  But I would rather kiss you goodbye and deal with the
consequences than regret I never kissed you tonight.”

“This is
insane.  It will mess us up again.”

“You’re
leavin’.  How does it get more messed up than that?  You didn’t even include me
in your decision.  You didn’t even ask me how I’d feel ‘bout it.”

“That’s
not fair, Jess.”

“I know. 
Come here.”

Jess
grabbed my hips and pulled me forward.  I let him without a fight.  The guilt
of his words hit the mark, making it burn in my chest.  He held onto my waist
as I straddled his lap with one leg on each side of his thighs.  My wrists
dangled loosely around his neck.  Sadie’s warnings came back, and I brushed
them away.  I remembered her words, but it was his face I could see; pleading
with his eyes.  Those damn blue eyes were always my undoing. 

“Ok.  One
kiss and then…”  I’d barely uttered my reply before he leaned in with a
shocking, full-mouth kiss that sucked the words right off my tongue.  Jess
tasted better than every deep rooted memory I’d stored away that afternoon four
years ago.  His lips moved slowly and deeply as I struggled to stay focused.

“You
taste like salt,” I muttered against his mouth.

“So do
you.”

He kissed
me again and I never even tried to stop him.  The feeling consumed every piece
of my conscious.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  It felt crazy, stupid
and wonderful.  He kissed down the side of my neck as my head tilted back and
my eyes closed.  He kissed down to the edge of my bra.  Warmth spread from my
belly button and into the rest of my body.  I pulled back, overwhelmed by how
far this quickly spiraled out of control.

“Want me
to stop?”

Looking
into those haunted eyes, I saw the raw pain I’d caused my friend.  He didn’t
think tonight could make things worse.  It could get worse, but feeling his lips
on my skin, I didn’t care. 

 “Don’t
stop,”  I hesitated, watching his face.  “But it’s just tonight and we don’t
talk about it, ok?”

“Just
tonight.”

“Promise?”

“I
promise, Al.”

He linked
his pinky finger with mine and gave a little wink; a tiny snapshot of the
former boy before he slipped his tongue back through my lips.  I trusted him
more than anyone else.  I felt safe so the rules of the game lifted tonight,
setting me free if only for a few hours. 

I kissed
him back.  Tugging his shirt up, I pulled the orange fabric over his head.  My
fingers touched his bare skin, and I allowed myself to really feel him. 
Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his chest.  I knew he liked it because
every touch made him breath harder.

Putting a
hand on each side of my face, Jess pulled me back to his lips.  I dug my
fingers into his bare shoulders as he kissed me again, full on the mouth.  I
tasted him over and over again as his tongue slipped back and forth inside my
lips.  He was so good at this. 
We
were so good at this together.

“I’ve
never seen you naked,” he mumbled softly.  “I want to see all of you, Al.”

“But
you’ve…”  I pulled back startled.  He pressed his finger against my mouth to
stop me.

“No, I
haven’t.”  He said it wasn’t possible to erase the past, but there he sat,
offering me the impossible.  His blue eyes spoke back without a hint of
mockery. 

Jess
pushed my shirt slowly off my shoulders and down my arms.  The gray plaid fell
somewhere on the dark porch.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t care.  It didn’t matter
when those lips kept moving on my skin; his hot breath touching me everywhere. 

He
reached behind my back and worked the hooks on my bra.  As his slipped the gray
straps down my shoulders, Jess looked into my eyes.  I felt nervous as Jess saw
me for the first time.  His sweet face smiled at me. “You’re really beautiful,
Al.”

I closed
my eyes as he kissed down the front of my bare chest.  I sucked in a deep
breath.  I needed him.  I needed him like I needed air.  I needed him in a way
I had never needed him before. 

“Stay
with me tonight,” he whispered into my neck. “I want to keep touchin’ you.  All
of you.  I want it so damn much.  I want to know what it feels like to be
inside of you.  I want to see the look on your face when it happens.  I want to
know just once, what it feels like to be us.  Really us.”

I stilled
at the thought.  I was scared.  I was scared to say it.  I was scared to hear
it out loud.  I was scared to think about how it would change things.  I looked
back into his eyes.  Those damn blue eyes.  Our paths were officially going in
separate directions.  I could give Jess one night; a stolen moment during
spring break. 

“Yes.” I
whispered.  He stared back at me stunned.  I don’t think Jess ever thought I
would agree.  My heart pounded in my chest.  This was really happening.  I bit
down hard on my bottom lip, trying to calm down. 

“Are you
ok?”

“I’m
just…I.”  I smiled, feeling nervous as I looked at his sweet face. 

“It’s
ok.”  Jess whispered, taking my hand and placing it on his chest.  His heart
beat as fast as mine. “I know I asked, but I only want this if you’re sure,
Al.”

I nodded.

“Ok.” 
Jess grinned, looking as nervous as me.  He leaned over, grabbing my shirt off
the ground.   I slipped my arms inside, holding it shut over my bare chest. 
Crawling off his lap, I followed Jess across the deck with my bra in my hand. 
Before opening the door, he kissed me slowly, pushing my back against the side
of the house.  His hands slipped under my shirt, moving across my naked skin. 
He pulled back and kissed me on the nose.

“You
ready.” 

“Yeah.”

We
stumbled into the house, trying to be quiet so the other house guests would not
interrupt this terrible idea.   Jess opened the door to his bedroom and pulled
me inside.  The door shut with a tiny click of a lock.  This time around, no
one would see except the only person who mattered.

I woke to
the sound of rugged breathing.  Each exhale of warm air floated in small
tingles across my neck.  Pieces of silver moonlight peeked in the window,
illuminating the heavy body tucked around my bare skin, so close and so
familiar; he almost felt like an extension of my own limbs.

The last
few hours played through my mind like flashes, bringing a smile to my swollen
lips.  It was like flying through a lovely dream.  I remembered each touch,
each breath, and each word.  I blushed thinking of all the places those pink
lips had touched my body.  I swear that boy tried to kiss every single one of
my freckles; the ones he thought were so beautiful.  I would never forget a
single moment of tonight.  The memories would stay locked inside a piece of my
soul.

Sadie was
correct.  The right person at the right time was nothing short of magic, but
now it was time for me to turn back into that pumpkin.  The clock across the
room glowed five twenty-seven.  Scooting out from under his body, I knew it was
important to vanish from the room before Jess woke up.  We had made a promise
that would never stick if I was still here when the sun flooded the room with
reality.  I wanted a bittersweet end to this perfect night, not a fight
slinging blame over our careless actions.

Slipping
on one of his t-shirts, the familiar citrus, leather scent filled my nose.  I
watched his sweet face as he slept.  Jess made my body and heart feel things no
one else would ever come close to touching.  In a few hours, I would sit at the
volleyball game pretending this never happened.  A single tear slipped down my
cheek.  This would hurt. 

My
fingers traced the jagged scars imbedded in his arm from the tree house fire. 
Sometimes when I looked at Jess, I still saw that boy.  The one who stood in
the hallway.  The one who always saved me.  That boy deserved a better life
than what I could give him.

Leaning
over, I softly whispered against his dark hair, my parting words not for the
night, but for our entire relationship.  It was time.  I couldn’t be selfish
anymore.

“Goodbye, Jess.”

Chapter 38

When I was twenty-two…

I watched
from the safety of my dark sunglasses, with sweat dripping down my forehead. 
Sadie sat next to me in the adjoining chair; her rambling words echoed faintly
in my left ear.  I just wanted to watch the sand without feeling the weight of
the world; without hearing her stupid lecture.

“You had
sex with Jess and promised not to talk about it.  That’s the most ludicrous,
moronic just plain
stupid
thing you may have ever done.”

I didn’t
reply.  We both knew this wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever done, but I really
didn’t want to be reminded of that incident either.

“I told
you to discuss this with him.  Just try to put some perspective on your
complicated relationship.  Instead, you granted him some ultimate last wish and
agreed to not speak about it so you wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving him in a
few months.”

“It’s
over Sadie,” I mumbled.

“It’s not
over.  You may pretend it’s over, but last night was just plain self-sabotage
on your part because…”

“Shut
up!”

“Alex.”

“Shut up,
Sadie.  Just shut the hell up.”

I felt
sick.  I couldn’t even make eye contact this morning with Jess.  He wasn’t even
focused on the game nor did he look in my direction.  I knew he was angry
because I snuck away before he woke up.  I didn’t know what else to do but
leave.  I’m not sure what Jess expected to happen this morning.  The
consequences of our actions were speaking loud and clear in the middle of a
thousand people.

I wish
he’d never asked me.  I wish I’d never agreed.  I wish I never knew how it felt
to have him touch me from the inside out.  I wish I never knew what it felt
like to really be us.  The weight of our actions pulled tight around my neck
like a noose.  Most spring breakers brushed the usual crazy antics of the week
right off their shoulders without a second thought.  Ours came with a high
price that twisted around my heart, over and over again, closing off my blood
supply.

Wearing
the dark shades, I watched the sand.  I watched the slutty girl in the yellow
bikini.  I watched two guys spill beer on the people next to us.  I watched
everything but him.

The game
ended.  The boys lost.  Jess and Seth made their way over to us on the
sidelines.  He pulled his t-shirt over his sweaty chest.  My stomach twisted as
I watched him get closer.  I didn’t know what to say to Jess.  I didn’t know
how I should act.  I didn’t know how to pretend like last night never happened
and it scared me.

Jess
stopped in front of my chair.  He smiled, saying nothing.  I pulled off my
sunglasses.  Sadie’s voice drifted away with the rest of the spring breakers. 
His blue eyes spoke a thousand words all rolled into a heartfelt stare.  They
calmed the panic inside my body.  In the silence between two friends, the air
carried an entire conversation.  His dark lashes blinked back a vow I knew he
meant more than anything. 
I promise this will not destroy us.

Chapter 39

When
I was twenty-two…

I pulled
my suitcase out to my father’s truck.  The brown bag contained only personal
items since I planned to buy most things once I arrived in Paris.  The moment
seemed surreal.  After months of endless planning, preparation, and finally
graduation, I was leaving.  I went back and sat on the porch steps to wait. 
The sun beat over my head and sweat ran down my back, creating wet spots
against the fabric of my t-shirt.  Things I would not miss; damn fire ants and
the sticky heat of a Texas summer.

“We gotta
go, Pumpkin.”

“I know. 
Just a few more minutes.”  I looked at my phone, seeing the screen absent of
any texts or missed calls.  I waited, feeling a little sick.

My father
stood in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder.  “We can’t wait any longer.
”

“But…he
promised.”

“I’m sure
he just got tied up.  We need to leave or you will miss your flight.”

I climbed
in the truck, feeling panicked.  We pulled out of the driveway with my face
pressed against the glass, half expecting him to come flying across the yard
from somewhere out on the meadow.  Jess promised to be here this morning. 
He
promised!

All the
way into the city, my father chatted with his words of thoughts and wisdom. 
The creases around his bright eyes seemed deep today.  He was sad, but tried
every possible way to stay upbeat about the trip.  He used
that
word
over and over again, except this wasn’t just a trip.  I let my father stay in
his deep-rooted denial as I stared at my phone, hoping Jess would call, but the
little box remained silent the entire drive to the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. 

Checking
in at the ticket counter, I glanced down once more at the phone clasp in my
hand.  I assumed Frank had Jess knee-deep in something far out in the depths of
Sprayberry; his morning consumed with responsibilities much more important than
me leaving.  I did my best to understand and felt the guilt of the moment.  I
had no right to ask anything of him.     

Over the
last few months, the regret of college stupidity stabbed away, over and over
again.  Jess never kissed or touched me, but I felt it anyway; the electric
pull even when he was all the way across a room.  We were always close, but it
had transcended into a different type of unspoken cement binding us together,
which made this lack of a goodbye cut so deep.  I needed to see him just one
more time.  I needed to hear his voice.  I needed to feel his arms wrapped
tight around my shoulders.  Instead, I just felt hollow, like a limb had been
severed from my body with a dull knife and I was leaving it behind at
Sprayberry.

The
anxiety bubbled around inside my stomach.  I pulled out my phone and placed the
silent box in the security bucket.  Turning around, I gave one last wave toward
my father.  He stood on the edge of the gated area.  His hair was mostly gray
these days.  He wiped away a tear in the corner of his eye.  I felt sad for the
middle-aged man standing alone, watching his only child leave.  He knew deep
down, I wasn’t coming back for a very long time.  I wished Caroline was here to
soften the blow, but she was forced to stay behind with an emergency at
Jeeter’s. 

My father
smiled one last time before turning away.  Fighting the urge to run back and
sling my arms around his neck, I stepped forward through the body scanner.  The
grinding noise generated a perfect image that violated my body straight to my
scared soul. 

I
wanted Paris.  I needed Paris.
 I
silently chanted the words as a reminder.  

The wait
for the flight seemed endless.  Sticking in my headphones, I slipped away into
the sounds of Kings of Leon.  I eventually boarded the Boeing 767 with the rest
of the world travelers; all destined to new places and new adventures in cities
of the unknown.  Taking the window seat, I glanced at the large man squashed in
the one next to me.  A strange odor wafted up from around his body.  Cringing,
I took a deep breath through my mouth, trying not to think of the many hours to
come crammed just two inches from this weird bologna-smelling stranger.

Checking
my phone one last time, I flipped the off switch and settled against the seat. 
I yearned to keep it activated, but didn’t want to chance crashing the plane
with my desperate need to hang on to the hope of hearing his voice. 

My toes fidgeted inside my gray, canvas shoes.  I
hated flying.  The sound of the engines vibrated my seat as we left the
tarmac.  My white knuckles dug into the thighs of my jeans, making the Poison
Oak colored nail polish glow against my skin.  Deep breath in. 
Bologna.
 
Deep breath out.  Grabbing the sketch pad from my travel bag, I flipped through
pencil outlines to the first blank page.  Nothing calmed my nerves more than
putting gray lines on the paper.  My heart jolted in my chest as I saw the
familiar hand writing on the page.   

Alex,

Did you
really think you could leave without me having the last word? Well here it is. 
I know.  You hate me right now.  I can hear you muttering out loud the ways to
kill me.  You know that’s just going to scare the shit out of the poor idiot
trapped next to you.  Better keep it together.  Air marshals handcuff people
for that kind of crap you know.

But
seriously Al, I’ve dreaded this day for months.  So much that I just couldn’t
make myself come to the airport.  I couldn’t see you.  I couldn’t watch you
leave.  It hurts too much.  Maybe if I don’t see you go, I can still pretend
you might just walk through the door tomorrow.  Crazy I know.

So I
guess this is it.  I’ll miss you.  I’ll miss us.  I already do.  You mean more
to me than anyone else.  I want to say those other words to you, but I know it
won’t make this any easier.  Just know that you’ll always be my girl.  I
promise. 

I know
you’re scared right now.  But you’re gonna be just fine.  And don’t cry.  This
paper ain’t worth any of those damn tears of yours.  Be happy.  Remember, this
is your time, Alex.  Enjoy every minute of it.  I hope you find what you’re
looking for out there.

Send
me an email or something in a few weeks after you get your shit unpacked.  
Don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  I wish I could have done more today, but
this is all you get.  Cheap ass way out.  I know. – Jess

A tear rolled down my left cheek.  Touching his
familiar handwriting, I traced the sentences with my finger as I read them once
again.  In my mind, I heard his pancake-syrup voice, slurring the words
together.  My chest hurt.  The pain came as if a gun fired tiny bullets into my
skin with each word.  The tears fell in a steady stream from both eyes as I
reached the end with his scribbly name. 

Damn
you, Jess. 
I clutched
the book to my chest, like I could hug him through the pages.  I knew a letter
fared better than an ugly scene at the airport, followed by a string of
constant, sad phone calls.  We both knew this was the better end. 

I wiped
snot on my sleeve, not caring if bologna man saw it.  My teeth found their old
familiar groove in my bottom lip; an ugly cry needed to wait until later. 
Tucking the sketch pad back into my bag, I pulled out my headphones.  I stared
out the little window at the squares of fields and ranches thousands of feet
below me.  I fell asleep without even a glimpse of the deep blue ocean.

The
congestion of the Paris airport surpassed the ever present dysfunction of
Dallas-Fort Worth.  I made it through customs.  The nerves of the unfamiliar
circled through the blood in my body.  I found my bag in the maze of people
babbling in a hundred separate languages.  Reaching the lobby doors, I saw a
tiny little sign with my name. 
Alexandra Tanner.
  The tall, elegant
woman poised with a silhouette of a model.  She seemed younger than I expected.

“Margarette?”

“No.  Je
suis Greta.  Mlle Margarette est occupe.  Je vous emmene a l’appartement.”  Her
heart-shaped face blinked with wide, green eyes, waiting to see if I
comprehended.  The city lights illuminated her chocolate hair, which was cut in
a short bob around her long neck.  My vast knowledge of French vaporized from
my head.  She smiled faintly with understanding. “You have long flight.  Better
tomorrow.”

“Thank
you.  You are taking me to my apartment? Vous me aider a lppartement?”

 “Yes.  I
help.  I stay in apartment too.  I show you city.”

“You are
my roommate?”

“No. 
Petite room.  Une room?”

“Only one
room?”

“Oui.”

“Vous
vivez ene meme batiment?”  Greta shrugged, uncertain of my garbled words which
held a southern accent compared to her voice that sang the syllables like
poetry.  I followed behind to a waiting cab. “Do you live in the same
building?”

“Oh. 
Oui.”

The cab
driver flew down the freeway, passing cars faster than I could comprehend. 
Fatigue crashed my senses as I peered out the window glass.   New and old
buildings rose up from the ground and flashed by in a blur.  We crossed a river
and moved deeper into the city.

“You go
to the university too?”

“Oui.  I
am second year.”

“The tower?” 
I asked Greta, feeling the shame of knowing the question sounded like a
tourist.  I knew the apartment and university resided close to Champ de Mars. 
I needed to see the one place that would make everything feel grounded.

“Oui.” 
She turned to the driver and rambled off a sling of sentences that flowed like
a beautiful song.  As far as I knew, she just cursed him out with the voice of
an angel.  The cab whipped by pedestrians and turned corners on two wheels. 
Hitting the breaks, a squeal echoed as I fell forward against the back of the
seat. 

“You ten
minutes.”

“Merci.”

Stretching
my long legs, I ran past the visitors with maps and little packs fastened
around the waist.  I knew the spot from years of conjured up memories.  The
lone bench rested just off the sidewalk.  The last few steps made my lungs
constrict in breathless spasms.  I sat down, feeling the hard metal beneath my
legs.  Staring out toward the tower, I did the one thing I always wanted but
could never do with the poster in my room.  I turned around to see the view
from the other side of that little bench.