The Memory Child (4 page)

Neil stood there with a goofy grin on his face. “Ah, wow, ah…thank you.”

“Now, just don’t be letting it go to your head. Remember, I’m still in charge of this company, and we can’t be installing all those newfangled pieces of equipment you want to requisition.” He winked
at Neil.

“Let’s talk on Monday.” Neil shrugged. Walter struggled with his words while Diane almost choked on her sip
of water.

Thunderous applause filled the room while Neil stepped off the podium. Brian shook the stunned m
an’s hand.

“You deserve
it, man.”

Neil pushed his glasses up. “It’s just a glorifi
ed title.”

Brian smiled sympathetically and moved off to the side for Diane. She hugged Neil, placing her lips close to his ear. Brian couldn’t make out what she said, but no doubt it was a threat coated with honey, if Neil’s slumped shoulders gave any indication. He knew how much Diane fought to keep Neil in Walter’s good graces. If Walter had his way, Neil would have been sent packing over a year ago, after Walter crashed their network and Neil yelled at him for his care
lessness.

“Diane, why don’t you come on up here,” Walter ca
lled out.

Brian grabbed his wife’s hand. A fragile look crossed
her face.

“I love you,” he whispered. There was a slight tremble to her lips before she blew him a kiss and headed toward
the stage.

What was going on? She’d been so excited about tonight. This was the night she’d worked so hard for—why did she seem hesitant? Whatever Walter had in store, he just hoped it wouldn’t put too much pressure
on Diane.

Once again applause filled the room as Diane took the stage. Brian puffed out his chest, proud to call the hot woman who commanded the room
his wife.

“This woman here is a cornerstone to our company. I may have known her since she was a teenager with a mind of her own, but I knew from that moment that she was someone special. Through thick and thin she’s been by my side as HK Solutions grew to become the company I knew it could be. I couldn’t trust anyone more than I trust this woman. And, folks, without Diane, we wouldn’t be where we are today. She’s not only the perfect business partner but also a dear friend and part of my family. She’s the daughter I never had but always wanted, and I’m very glad to have her by my side as we forge new grounds in the exciting world of creating software for the visually impaired t
ogether.”

“Aww. How sweet,” Neil
muttered.

“I am very proud to announce that”—there was a slight pause—“Diane Wright is no longer the vice president of HK Solutions, but is now the new CEO while I take on the role of chief operating
officer!”

A round of enthusiastic applause followed his anno
uncement.

“Did he just say what I thought he said?” N
eil asked.

Brian sat there in stunned silence before he jumped from his seat and clapped furiously. This was it! Everything Diane had worked so hard for. They’d expected Walter to announce one year of training where Diane would work side by side with Walter before she took on the role of president. But this was more. More than expected. More than anticipated. He couldn’t be prouder of her in thi
s moment.

No wonder Walter had insisted on the media being
present.

From the brightness of her smile and the way she reached for the edge of the podium for support, Brian could tell she hadn’t expected this either. He mouthed his love to her and saw it reflected back in her eyes before she turned back to Walter and placed her arms around him and hugged h
im close.

Tonight, with this announcement, all of Diane’s dreams had c
ome true.

So where did having a baby fit into the picture
for them?

CHAPTER FIVE

Diane

Present–March

M
ozart played in the background as I sat in the rocker we’d bought for Grace’s room. I stared down at her in my arms. It seemed like that was all I ever did. I could stare at her for hours on end, and in realit
y, I did.

It was hard not to. She was the most perfect baby I had ever seen in
my life.

I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture to send to Brian. I must have sent him more than a hundred photos since we’d come home from the hospital. I didn’t want him to miss out on a sing
le moment.

“Your daddy will fall in love with you the moment he holds you in his arms. I
know it.”

I held her in the crook of my arm and waited for her to smile. Her smile reminded me of Brian, which made me miss him all the more. This morning I’d worked on a word search puzzle he’d made for me, a love puzzle. It made me smile to circle words like
sweetheart
and
ice cream sundae
, knowing that he picked each word with a specific memory
in mind.

“Diane?” Nina poked her head into the room. “Why don’t you come out and join me for a cup
of tea?”

“I’d love that.” I pushed myself up from the chair, careful not to bump Grace while
I did so.

Little by little things were getting easier. Being a mother wasn’t as easy as I thought, even with a nanny in the house. When I was home, I wanted to be the one to take care of my daughter; at least, that was what I thought I had wanted. But more and more, I’d come to depend on Nina to help me, even with the little things like heating up the bottles or figuring out why Grace cried when there seemed to be
no reason.

“Why don’t you put her down for a nap?” Nina came in and placed a fresh blanket down in the bassinet I had set in
the crib.

I bit my lip. I really didn’t want to put her down. I loved
hol
ding her.

“The little angel will be fine. The monitor is turned on so you’ll hear eve
ry sound.”

I still h
esitated.

“We should set up a playpen or something for her to sleep in downstairs.” I preferred to keep
her close.

“Trust me?” A few wisps had escaped from Nina’s ponytail and dangled in front of her face. She reached for Grace and I relinquished her without thought. The moment she left my arms I winced. I shouldn’t have done that. I could have put her down. I needed to learn to do things on my own more and more. Nina wasn’t going to be her
e forever.

“I do.” I sighed. “Will I ever get the hang
of this?”

Nina placed Grace down in her bed. I stood beside my baby and straightened her dress. I loved this outfit. It was one I’d picked out online just a few weeks ago. A soft cream dress with a dark pink ribbon on the hem, sleeves and neckline. The dress was quite long, down to her toes, so I didn’t have any leggings on her. I found them quite tiresome to get off when I needed to change her. Instead, I found some knitted booties in the dresser drawer, a gift from Walter while I’d been on bed rest. That hadn’t been the only thing he’d sent either. Almost daily, either a package would arrive or he’d come over in the evening and bring me something, a blanket, an outfit, or something special for me. That stopped, though, once I brought Grace home. He’d come over once with a gift-wrapped box and left it at the front door when no one had answered, and inside was a doll for Grace. Since then though, he’d kept his distance, which bothered me more than I wanted
to admit.

“Sweet dreams, my little princess.” I bent down to
kiss her.

How could it be possible to love a child as much as I
loved her?

I closed the door to her room and followed Nina down the stairs. A fresh wind blew through the open windows at the bottom of the s
taircase.

A tray was on the kitchen counter with tea and a plate of cut fruit along with bak
ed scones.

“I thought we could maybe sit outsid
e today?”

The scones looked delicious. I loved to cook but could never bake, and once Nina realized how much I loved homemade baked goods, she would spoil me once a week with muffins, cakes, or scones. My favorites were her croissants and vanilla scones, which she brought today. She cut a few slices of butter and placed them on a small plate and my mouth watered. I made my way to the back door but Nina s
topped me.

“I thought maybe we could sit on the front porch
instead?”

I froze. My throat dried up so I couldn’t swallow and a sudden chill swept over me, forcing the hairs on my arms to stan
d on end.

“I’d rather sit in the back.” My voice warb
led a bit.

“Have you noticed the flower beds in the front? The tulips are just starting to come up and you can see the lilacs starting to bloom. My mother used to have lilac bushes in our front yard growing up; I’d forgotten how much I loved the scent.” Nina babbled as she took my hand and turned me away from the back door. “Could you carry the tray? Be careful, though; the pot is full. I’ll grab the monitor and a blanket in case you get chilled with the wind.” She handed me the tray. Whether I wanted to or not, I was going out to
the front.

It’s not that I didn’t like sitting on the front patio, it was just that I
couldn’t.

Once upon a time, I used to go running early in the mornings. I’d get up, lace my sneakers, pull my hair back in a ponytail, and head outdoors. It didn’t matter whether the sun shone or storm clouds were rolling in. I used to go running through the paths that circled the downtown core, always stopping at a local coffee shop and chatting with the early morning servers while I sipped at my ch
ai latte.

When we moved to this new house, one thing I loved was that we were blocks away from a city park where I could run. I looked forward to getting back into the groove after Grace was born. I even bought one of those joggers so I could take her with me, but since her birth, I’d been hesitant to head outside. The most I’d done was to sit out on our backyard patio and soak up the sun for a few brief minutes while I made sure Grace stayed in the shade and sheltered from
any bugs.

I could head to work, no problem. I could run errands during work hours and on my way home, but the moment anything else was required of me I
panicked.

Like r
ight now.

“You can do this, Diane.” Nina led the way while I traile
d behind.

I’d mentally prepared myself for the sleepless nights, for my ineptness when it came to having a newborn. But nothing prepared me for the emotional aspect. I was strong in so many ways, but when it came to facing the public with Grace, I couldn
’t do it.

It was as if there was a deep fear that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t know how to handle the situation. What if she fell? What if she cried and I couldn’t get her to stop? What if she got sick—or worse, died—and there was nothing I
could do?

It was safer to stay home, where I knew I wasn
’t alone.

“Remember, Grace is safe in her bed. It’s just you and me having a cup of tea.” Nina held the door open for me, an encouraging smile filling
her face.

Right. It was just me. Grace was safe. This was no different than if I were heading to work or having a coffee on the patio of some cafe. I coul
d do this.

Except I couldn’t. My feet were rooted and refused to budge and my heart was about to rip out of my chest. I could feel it pushing against my ribs with each beat. I stared at Nina, at the door, and then at the tray in my hands, and felt like I was Alice in Wonderland looking down at everything that suddenly shrank in size. The floor beneath me caved in and I would have fallen through, I know I would have, if Nina hadn’t reached out and ste
adied me.

The teacups rattled and hot liquid splashed onto the tray, droplets landing on my fingers as I gripped t
he handle.

“Deep breath, Diane. A dee
p breath.”

Nina breathed in and I followed her example. We breathed out together. She took a few steps backward and pushed open the screen door. I took one step forward, then another. I tried to ignore the pressure in my chest and the fact that my eyes were filling with tears. I tried to ignore everything except for the woman who waited for me to ste
p outside.

My hands shook but I took another step. I had tunnel vision. I focused on Nina and h
er smile.

The moment I did it, the moment I crossed the threshold and stepped onto the porch, the weight that pressed so hard against my chest lifted. It was strange. I drank in the sunshine, the fresh air, and the feel of life around me. Nina took hold of the tray and set it down on the wic
ker table.

“Did something happen to the furniture? I thought it was white?” We’d picked up a set at a local garage sale when we’d first moved in. Brian had been determined to blend in; he didn’t want us to have the “condo” look about us, even though I thought whatever look we had would fit in. We used to tour the garage sales when we were first married but now we never took the time. The odd Saturday we had off we enjoyed lounging in bed and eating fresh croissants with our coffee while checking the news. But there had been a community garage sale and so Brian felt it would be a good way to get to know our neighbors. And get to know the
m we did.

Bob and Jenny lived down the street with four kids. Chad and Natasha lived two doors down with a house full of dogs. Sherri and Darryl lived a block over with their hockey team’s worth of kids. Every couple we met had children. We seemed to be the only childless couple around, unless you counted Doug and Leona, who lived next door. They were a bit older and no doubt would have grandchildren running around their yard sooner
or later.

We had meals brought over to us to welcome us to the neighborhood after that garage sale, and had more comments than I could count on the wicker set we’d bought from some house across the park. It almost felt like
Desperate Housewives
. I kept waiting for Bree Van de Kamp to show up with a basket of fresh-baked
muffins.

“See, isn’t this nice?” Nina ignored my comment and sat down before she poured the tea. I could tell the brew was a bit strong, but that was
my fault.

I sank down in my chair and let out a long sigh. This was nice. It was a beau
tiful day.

Nina set the baby monitor down on the table between us and turned up the volume. I smiled my thanks and leaned back, soaking in the fresh outdoors and willing myself
to relax.

One step at a time. That was all it took. One step until I was back to being the woman I used to be. I had no idea I’d change in such a drastic way once I had Grace. No one had prepared me for the emotional influx and inse
curities.

“Have you heard from Brian at all?” It seemed like forever since I last spoke with my husband. I knew he was busy; he was always busy when overseas, and the time difference didn’t help that much. He once told me that his goal when away was to make it home ahead of schedule, so I hated to bo
ther him.

“The phone has been very quiet lately.” Nina sipped at her tea, her focus out on
the lawn.

“Why hasn’t he called? It’s not like him at all. He should be home any day, but I don’t even know his itinerary.” I bit my lip. “I don’t even know if he’s seen any of the pictures I’ve sent him o
f Grace.”

Nina placed her cup down on the tray. I noticed the way she turned slowly toward me. I wondered whether she hurt her bac
k somehow.

“You have? Taken
pictures?”

I nodded.

“I love taking photos of her. I should work on her baby album as well. I saw it this morning in her room. I’d almost forgotten a
bout it.”

“So did I.” Nina’s voice was quiet. She glanced my way, a quick, fur
tive look.

“Maybe”—I smiled at Nina—“that will be my afternoon project. We could sit outside in the back and go through it together. The first few days after Grace’s birth are a bit fuzzy, so I’ll need you to help fill in the
blanks.”

“I thought maybe we could go for a walk today. Get some exercise with this fresh air. Remember, you wanted to start runnin
g again?”

Nina had been quick to ignore my idea, I
noticed.

“I’m not quite ready for a walk. I’d rather just relax today with Grace and work on the bab
y album.”

Nina sighed. “I really do wish you’d consider a walk. We can work on the album af
terward.”

The thought of taking Grace out in public, on a walk where everyone would gawk and want to touch her, hold her, breathe their germs on her…no. It was
too soon.

One step at a time. But they had to be steps I was willing to take. Not ones Nina forc
ed on me.

I knew she was worried about me. About my mental state. I overheard her last night on the phone. She was concerned that I was withdrawing and using Grace as an excuse. Except that wa
sn’t true.

Was I withdrawing? Yes. Of course I was. I could feel it. It was as if my brain couldn’t handle the person I used to be. That Diane was a workaholic and this Diane was a mother. I wasn’t sure how to merge the two identities. But was it a cause for alarm? Hardly. This had to be normal for most working mothers. The idea of having only a short period of time to adjust to having a child was ri
diculous.

And I wasn’t ready to make the change. Plain an
d simple.

“Oh, look, you have guests.” Nina’s voice perked up as
she stood.