Read The Merry Wives of Windsor Online
Authors: William Shakespeare
[
Exit Falstaff
]
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this
shape
72
. He cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
she’s a witch, forbade her my house and hath threatened to
beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and
the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ay, in
good sadness
78
is he, and talks of the basket
too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence
79
.
MISTRESS FORD
We’ll
try
80
that, for I’ll appoint my men to carry
the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did
last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go dress
him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with
the basket. Go up, I’ll bring linen for him straight.
[
Exit
]
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him,
dishonest
87
varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet
honest
89
too.
We do not
act
90
that often jest and laugh,
[
Exit
]
[
Enter Mistress Ford with John and Robert
]
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders.
Your master is
hard at
93
door. If he bid you set it down, obey
him. Quickly,
dispatch
94
.
[
Exit
]
JOHN
Come, come, take it up.
ROBERT
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
JOHN
I hope not, I had
as lief
97
bear so much
John and Robert lift the basket
lead.
[
Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans
]
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
99
way then to unfool me again?— Set down the
basket, villain.
John and Robert set down the basket
Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you
panderly
rascals, there’s a knot, a
gin
103
, a pack, a conspiracy
against me.
Now shall the devil be shamed
104
. What, wife, I say!
Come, come forth. Behold what honest clothes you send
forth to bleaching.
PAGE
Why, this
passes
107
, Master Ford. You are not to go
loose any longer, you must
be pinioned
108
.
EVANS
Why, this is lunatics, this is mad as a mad dog!
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
[
Enter Mistress Ford
]
Come hither, Mistress Ford — Mistress Ford the honest
woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath
the jealous fool to her husband. I suspect without cause,
mistress, do I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me
in any dishonesty.
FORD
Well said, brazen-face,
hold it out
118
! Come forth,
sirrah!
Pulls clothes out of the basket
PAGE
This passes.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
EVANS
’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s
clothes? Come away.
FORD
Empty the basket, I say!
To John and Robert
PAGE
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be
there again? In my house I am sure he is. My intelligence is
true, my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me
To John and Robert
John and Robert empty the basket
PAGE
Here’s no man.
SHALLOW
By my
fidelity
135
, this is not well, Master Ford. This
wrongs you.
EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.
FORD
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
Help to search my house this one time. If I find not
what I seek,
show no colour for my extremity
142
, let me forever
be your
table-sport
143
. Let them say of me, ‘As jealous as Ford,
that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s
leman
144
.’ Satisfy
me once more, once more search
with me.
John and Robert refill the basket and exeunt with it
MISTRESS FORD
What, ho, Mistress Page, come you and the old
woman down. My husband will come into the chamber.
FORD
Old woman? What old woman’s that?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a
quean
, an old
cozening
151
quean! Have I not
forbid her my house? She comes
of
152
errands, does she? We are
simple men, we do not know what’s brought to pass
under
153
the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by
spells,
by th’figure
, and such
daubery
155
as this is, beyond our
element
156
. We know nothing. Come down, you
Takes a cudgel
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband.— Good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
[
Enter Mistress Page leading Falstaff in woman’s clothes
]
MISTRESS PAGE
Come,
Mother Prat
160
, come, give me your hand.
FORD
I’ll
prat
161
her. Out of my door, you witch,
Beats Falstaff
you
rag
, you baggage, you polecat, you
runnion
162
! Out, out! I’ll
conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.
[
Exit Falstaff
]
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed
the poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it.
’Tis a goodly credit for you
166
.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
EVANS
By yea and no
168
, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed. I
like not when a ’oman has a great peard. I spy a great peard
under his muffler.
FORD
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I
cry out thus upon no
172
trail, never trust me when I
open
173
again.
PAGE
Let’s
obey his humour
174
a little further. Come,
gentlemen.
[
Exeunt Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans
]
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by th’mass, that he did not: he beat him
most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I’ll have the cudgel
hallowed
179
and hung o’er the
altar. It hath done
meritorious
180
service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? May we, with the
warrant
181
of
womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue
him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of
wantonness
184
is, sure, scared out of
him. If the devil have him not in
fee-simple
, with
fine and
185
recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of
waste
186
, attempt
us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
served
188
him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape the
figures
191
out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their
hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further
afflicted, we two will still be the
ministers
193
.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed,
and methinks there would be no
period
195
to the jest, should he
not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the
forge
with it, then
shape it
197
. I would
not have things cool.
Exeunt
running scene 15
Enter Host and Bardolph
BARDOLPH
Sir, the German desires to have three of your horses.
The duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are
going to meet him.
HOST
What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear
not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen.
They speak English?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir. I’ll call them to you.
HOST
They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay,
I’ll
sauce them
. They have had my house a week
at command
9
.
I have turned away my other guests. They must
come off
10
, I’ll
sauce them. Come.
Exeunt
running scene 16
Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Evans
EVANS
’Tis one of the best discretions of a ’oman
1
as ever I
did look upon.
PAGE
And did he send you both these letters at
an instant
3
?
MISTRESS PAGE
Within a quarter of an hour.
FORD
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.
I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an
heretic
8
,
As firm as faith.
PAGE
’Tis well, ’tis well, no more.
Be not as extreme in submission as in offence.
But let our plot go forward. Let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.
FORD
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
PAGE
How? To send him word they’ll meet him in the park
at midnight? Fie, fie, he’ll never come.
EVANS
You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has
been grievously peaten as an old ’oman. Methinks there
should be terrors in him, that he should not come. Methinks
his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires.
PAGE
So think I too.
MISTRESS FORD
Devise but how you’ll
use
24
him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
MISTRESS PAGE
There is an old tale goes that
Herne the hunter
26
,
Sometime
27
a keeper here in Windsor Forest,
Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great
ragged
29
horns,
And there he
blasts
the tree, and
takes
30
the cattle,
And makes
milch-kine
31
yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner.
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed
eld
34
Received and did deliver to our age
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
PAGE
Why, yet there
want
37
not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s Oak.
But what of this?
MISTRESS FORD
Marry, this is our device:
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
PAGE
Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come,
And in this
shape
43
. When you have brought him thither,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
MISTRESS PAGE
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their
growth
47
, we’ll dress
Like
urchins
,
oafs
48
and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen
tapers
49
on their heads,
And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she and I are newly met,
Let them from forth a
sawpit
52
rush at once
With some
diffusèd
53
song. Upon their sight,
We two in great amazèdness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And fairy-like to pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape profane.
MISTRESS FORD
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposèd fairies pinch him
sound
61
,
And burn him with their tapers.
MISTRESS PAGE
The truth being known,
We’ll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
FORD
The children must
Be practised well to this, or they’ll ne’er do’t.
EVANS
I will teach the children their behaviours, and I will
be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber.
FORD
That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them
vizards
70
.
MISTRESS PAGE
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attirèd in a robe of white.
PAGE
That silk will I go buy.— And in that time